Situationships

For the life of me, I do not understand why I just can't get this love part down. My experience is all but standard- I did not get married straight out of high school or college, I didn't have children with the first man I settled down with, I didn't choose a forever partner- I've had great loves but they weren't my forever people. However, what I did notice is that most of my partners got coupled, engaged or married with the person after me. I guess me not having luck didn't necessarily mean that I wasn't lucky for others. I am a month away from being 40 and I am just as lost today as I was at 20. In adulthood, I keep running into emotionally unavailable men of all ages who are still working out what they truly want or who they truly want; I think I can help them sort it or maybe, I am that one. A friend of mine in the UK and I were speaking about this sort of thing a couple of days ago and he mentioned the casual dating vibe the US gave him when he was working here. It sparked a lovely conversation but also made me realize that maybe it's not me- maybe I'm dating in the wrong country.😂

Done. Definitely done trying to help other people sort their own baggage on me and not with me. I need help as well! I need sorting! Seriously, where is he? I have been dating since I was 15!! Why is it that it's so much easier focusing on someone else's needs rather than your own? I have been saying all of 2025 that I wanted to be cared for, I craved to be loved and I wanted my person. This isn't some sculpted creature perfect for me that fits into that "tall, dark and handsome" category; it's someone who chooses me even when it's hard. That's what I believe love is and it's not easy for me either. When I get my feelings hurt or I feel betrayed, I act like a raccoon in a trash bag because all my fears based on history resurface and I like keeping the past in the past. It's hard to come back from that, plus rebuilding something that wasn't yours to begin with just doesn't seem like the focus anymore. I've run into grown men who would like to commit or at least that's what they say, but somehow not fully and not to me. I've had the boys as well who are just committed to the bachelor vibe calling themselves vagabonds, interested in the sex but not the relationship.

Since the retreat, I have been more open to possibilities of change because I've truly felt like I've been changing all year. The grief, the losses, the lack of TLC by people who I thought loved me most has changed me. And just like the shadows, the light has been a great part of my life this year as well. People held me while I cried and slept, witnessed me experience extreme sadness, joy and have revelations about my life journey. It's been a beautiful and destructible ride all year. I've witnessed my own death and rebirth several times through losing jobs, money, friendships, possibilities of relationships- it's been wild, y'all. Change is inevitable, and there are still a few people in my life that have stuck with me through the good, the bad and the ugly. I am eternally grateful. I am also thankful for the ones who have passed through my life in seasons teaching me what I want more of and what I don't want. Everyone teaches you something.

I am open to change- the change within myself to grow into the woman I am meant to be, the change in expectations and fluidity of intimacy, the change in financial livelihood and an open heart to being a beginner again. 

Toodles!

No one is coming

No one is coming to save you. No one is coming to intentionally empathize or change your life. No one is coming to wipe your face, or dust the dirt off your petticoat. That's what I've realized this year; like truly, wholly realized. It hit me like a wet towel across my face when I got yet another call with bad news on the other line about my physical body. There is no one out there that's going to save you from life, from pain, from rejection, from living with yourself. You have to learn to pour into yourself because your heart, your body, your mind, your spirit...are the first home you have. Only one person that truly will be there for you- is you. And you better get your stuff together girl, cause no one is coming!

First thing, I have recently experienced a disappointment in how my love life was going. It's okay. I'm an idiot...again. I shouldn't have let myself slip for someone that wasn't available to catch me, or willing. In his defense, he warned me. I had faux hope- lesson learned. I am changing that pattern because it doesn't serve the person I am becoming. I am stepping into my full feminine and that takes lots of vulnerability and growth. Not everyone can handle that and that is okay. Sometimes, people tell you or show you that you're too much; you just need a man with bigger hands. Next thing- I have recently experienced love and intimacy which has opened me up to the desire of dating again. The desire to be wanted, loved, cared for, impressed, and honestly? Claimed. Last thing, the same person that has disappointed me has also shown me what I am capable of when it comes to relationships, no matter how complicated. I'm thankful. I've learned I want more understanding, less reading between the lines and more of the "Do you want to be mine- circle yes or no."

We often are not very forward with each other. We hide behind masks, we project insecurities and aggravations on others, we perform what our parents taught us or how life molded us. I have decided this year early on that I was going to be radically honest about everything. That is how we grow, how we evolve, how we become- in truth. I was born and raised in a not very honest family, and then add the dishonesty of the world, the greed, manipulations, the omission of truth and BOOM! You get human beings in fear of communication and touch, which are the most important senses. We forgot how to just BE. We are so busy doing, setting goals, running after money and nose-deep in the technology that we have forgotten about the importance of making memories without media.

I have a fantastic retreat coming up with amazing humans in the NY mountains. To meet, to hug, to connect with and speak my truth. To grow, remember, unplug and just BE with. The 16 year old girl inside me has been SCREAMING that she needs a safe space, a quiet, loving space, a soft space for months. She has been begging for life, for love, for connection, for romance and all she has gotten is death, disappointment, an inferiority complex, and soft rejections. Now, one thing that the adult me has figured out is how to compartmentalize and just keep swimming. I have to for survival, focus on me. Life has smacked me in the face and this retreat is perfect, Divine timing!

Toodles! 

Spirituality v. Grief

Hey everyone,

My grandmother passed away on 8/17. My sister's father in law passed on 8/19. You can't make this up. My families lost two generations of grandparents in two days- a great-grandma and a grandfather. I AM NOT OKAY!! We buried my grandmother on Wednesday 8/20, and Niko on Friday 8/22. On Saturday, I attended my sweet friend Marcy's offering; a grief retreat that I had registered for weeks before specifically for my neighbor. Never dreamed I would be in terrible need of it. I couldn't be more grateful that Spirit had put it on my path and very grateful for Marcy for holding such a safe container that I could scream, cry, grieve and release all the stuck energy that I have been harboring for years.

After I got home on Friday from the funeral and sitting shiva essentially all week, I spoke with a dear friend of mine who reads past lives. We had already started discussing my past lives last year, but really decided to hone in on how many I have lived. She mentioned that a previous life of mine on this land was in the 1400's and that I was one of the Mound people at Etowah village, which is now in Cartersville, GA about 271 miles away. So after I got out of the retreat on Saturday and got home at 2:30pm, I packed, got a babysitter for the farm and left on the road at 4:20pm. There were numerous things that happened on the trip down that made me feel safe and pointed out I was on the right path. Once I got there, I checked into a hotel and signs continued to happen. The energy of the place felt amazing- I felt as if I was home. 

On Sunday, 7 days since my grandmother had passed- I woke up early, had coffee in the hotel room, meditated and watched the beautiful scenery outside of my window. I got dressed and headed to Etowah Indian Mounds Historic Site. Once I got there, I asked for the guide that I  trauma vomited all over on the phone. Once Lucy came to the front, I started crying. I thanked her for being so kind and patient on the phone with me. She informed me that people often come to Etowah for healing and I told her a little of why I was there. We exchanged hugs and I headed to the mounds. I took pictures of everything at the center without reading it, and then stepped onto the land. I walked tops of Mounds A, B, C and the river bank barefoot. I was met by a butterfly at the beginning and the end of the journey through my Native land. I saw many more signs on the way back home that confirmed I was divinely protected and that she was still here, in the wind.

I recommend visiting Native lands, national and state parks while they are still funded and taken care of. Suffice to say, I found Spirit out there. 

Grief

We live every day trying to avoid it but it catches up. Something no one can fix. Something no one can control or change. Death. When it comes, it brings violent waves of grief. 

So an old friend of mine died a couple of weeks ago and even though we hadn't been in much contact over the last few years while she was sick, the grief has hit me in waves. Waves of days okay and not okay, as well as waves of emotions like anger, envy, sadness, and large spectrums of each. It's been a wild and weird ride. I've experienced enough death for my 39 years here on Earth, and let me say that it never gets easier. Grief never gets easier. There is nothing anyone can say to comfort you. Today, I find a friend lost his dear dog. Death, no matter how big, always brings grief, and that grief is personal and it comes in spirals for all of us.

You know, historically, grief after death was often expressed publicly through mourning rituals, but in the 20th and 21st centuries, it became increasingly viewed as a private, personal experience. Something jaded inside of me says capitalism had something to do with that and someone is definitely earning off of that idea. Anywho, grief is awful and just because there is nothing anyone can say doesn't mean you have to do it alone. You shouldn't do it alone. Grief can come for different reasons- it doesn't always come with death. Losing a job, a relationship or some dream that you were chasing after can be grieved. It can also be the death of a character you once were in your life once you start your healing journey. However, humans sometimes  always suck at being comforting. We don't know what to say, we don't know how to be there or we make assumptions someone wants to be left alone. 

I didn't grow up in a very comforting family, and when I did have something to grieve I did it alone to which I promised myself I wouldn't ever do that to someone else. If you have had a loss, know that if you call or text me those news, I won't leave you alone for a few weeks. I mean, I will if you really want me to, but I'll be in the shadows, lurking for when you need a hug or a good cry. Being alone sucks anyway and then you add a life situation and it's even harder. We weren't meant to be doing life alone- I will die on this hill! I don't mean you have to settle and partner up, but know that this life is meant to be lived with friends, family, soul tribe, etc. We are on this Earth for connections!!!

All this to say, if you know of someone who is dealing with grief, ask them what they need. If you have an anxious friend or the loss is fresh and they're still in shock, show up! Bring dinner. Watch a movie. Have a cry sesh. Have a smoke sesh and then a cry sesh. Let them tell you memories of their person. Show you pictures of their dog and reminisce. Give them long hugs! Give them permission to just need your presence in the room while they cry and do dishes. The ideas are endless! 

Grief is fucking awful, weird, exhausting and difficult. And we should never do things that feel like that, ALONE!

Second chances

Well hello there! I have been in a more creative mood lately and wish my ADHD would allow me to sit down and write them out. I have been journaling a lot more than usual and it feels good to let things out, however it’s also very lonely to be the only human in the house. Lots of changes- miss Gypsy came into my life and birthed Loki, Storm, Gypsy Jr, and Rain. And then everyone went to their forever home but Gypsy mama and Rain stayed. And then we added Lola for a few months!

First, this mami has gone back home this year!! This was a soul healing trip full of adventures, celebrations, happiness, family, friends and ALLLLLLL the Adriatic. 🖤 Therapy has me in a new awakening- it always takes a heart break to kick you in the ass! 🫡 LOL!

I have been ready to date again since last year and well, it didn’t happen last year. But this time around, I think it will. And I am happy with what the Universe has given me lately. She is definitely showering me with a lot more happiness, community, trust and random laughter. I am totally here for it! 

Secondly, I was in Hot Yoga Nashville studio all weekend for a Buti cert audit and as much as I enjoyed 30 hours of yoga, I am absolutely and utterly exhausted, sore but so damn happy! I mean, seriously?! Life changing!

Covid Chronicles

Hello, my dear readers! 

This girl has COVID and has it kind of rough. Go figure I get it when I planned a road trip weekend! These past couple of months have not been kind to my physical or my mental health. It seems I take a step forward and 5 back; I know that life is trying to teach me lessons but can I have a small break? I’ve learned them- over and over. Don’t play with boys that don’t plan a future and don’t lick people’s faces? Were those it?! Cause lessons learned! 

On a brighter note, I get to be home with my boys and since my depression has been rearing its ugly head lately, I can try and use this home time to center myself again. One problem I can see is the isolation, but with all the stimuli I’ve gotten lately it would be relaxing to just be home alone. Stitch also makes it super easy to be alone. He cuddles, he lays against me when I have fevers and he watches over me while I’m sick. Most people aren’t that comforting.

Mushu, on the other hand is currently wrapped around my feet, clawing and biting me...with love. Every time I don’t feel good he tries to entertain me with his antics and I love that. I could use the good mood. Today has been rough- fevers on and off. With those comes the high blood pressure and the ringing in the ears, as well as body aches, sniffles and a sore throat. I feel horrible! Thank God for great friends- Aaron brought me drinks and snacks and Iva is making sarma which are stuffed cabbage rolls! I usually get some at Christmas, but since I had a horrendous Christmas, I didn’t get to eat any. Also, my mother never brought me a plate like she said she would. Anyways, that’s my reality for right now people! Struggle is real!

Until next time, toodles!

So, therapy

So, therapy taught me that more people need to go. I think the next time I am ready to put myself out there, that’s what’s going to say on my Hinge app. All therapy is, is you being a responsible human who wants to coexist well with other people? We all need a little TLC. I mean, your brain deserves it and those who love you- or are trying to- deserve it as well! 

Currently, I am healing. I miss him. Looking back opened my eyes to a few things we should have both paid attention to from the beginning. Man, we sped things up and it felt great doing it. Trauma did that. One beautiful thing he taught me- hope!! I can do this. I know what I need in love, in relationships and it all begins with hope!

I am also currently missing a yoga studio so badly. Luckily, we are still getting together sometimes for pop up Buti classes. It has made me realize how much I love having this community around me in my daily life and how much I miss having it around. Most of the things in my life that were keeping me together have started slipping in some way, shape or form lately and it is driving me up the wall. I keep getting caught up in my own shit, and if you stay in it long enough it starts not to smell. I am trying so hard to come out of it. 

Sometimes, I truly can’t wait for my person. That man who is going to hear everything that I have to say, but will take only the important things to heart. The one who will take this world on with me, not fight with me about it. It’s not easy living as a minority in 2023, and a woman at that, but that’s a story for another time. Or stories. #metoo

Toodles.

Oops, I did it again

I let someone in. Way in. A lot further than anyone has been in a while. When I showed him glimpses of the hard, he ran..both times. I never said I was an easy person to deal with nor have I ever said that I am neurotypical and everything in my head goes according to plan. It doesn't. Let me break it down for you all. 

CPTSD- complex post traumatic stress disorder

MDD- major depressive disorder

ADD- attention deficit disorder

GAD- generalized Anxiety disorder

Now, let's delve into PTSD just a touch. It means if you date me, when we fight I act like a racoon in a trash bag BUT I will not cuss you, disrespect you or do anything physical. I definitely won't do anything that deserves me being called a bitch. Right after he told me I was "safe" with him and I believed him. I really wish more boys would ask the men what that truly means- to be safe with someone. To be vulnerable. To be courageous and honest. That takes guts- sticking around takes guts! Running away would be the "bitch" move. I digress. 

If you know or love anyone who is suffering from a mental illness, DO SOME FUCKING RESEARCH! Ask them, be curious! Why are people so fucking selfish nowadays? Someone tells me they are neurodivergent in some way, I'm like "I want to learn everything about you and then some". I can sometimes act like a know it all, but that's because I'm reading up on whatever you are telling me you have.  Anyway...I fell in love, got my heart broken, and am still wondering what the fuck happened? 

Where is my happy ending? I guess I will have to create one by my damn self!

Toodles!

Hello, trauma! It's me, Gabi.

     Hello, my dear readers!!! I am forewarning you, this blog post won't be an easy one. It wasn't easy for me to write it and for some of you that love me, it won't be easy to read it. And whatever happens, the show must go on.. so here it goes. I hope everyone had great holidays like 4th of July, Labor day, and such. I hid in my house and prayed my heart rate evened out enough for me to be able to breathe. Even this many years later, I am still affected by some things that should have normalized after 24 years in America, but nope- the body keeps a score. Having a trauma brain is a forever prison and it just helps to decorate the walls. 

  

  I am not really sure where to begin on this topic because there are many layers to be peeled back when it comes to my traumatic experiences. Trauma does not just root in the things happened, it also roots in betrayal, neglect, being an empath and many other experiences. If you have not properly worked through your traumatic events and you are still bleeding from those cuts, you will end up bleeding on people who didn't cut you. This often means projections of pain, trust or anger issues, commitment phobia, and many others ways you could inject someone else with your bullshit. See, I sit and feel my emotions now. I try to recognize my triggers, set boundaries and breathe through an event, but sometimes that is impossible. For example, 4th of July fireworks are SO fucking pretty but it scares the shit out of my trauma brain- mostly when I can't see them. I know they are only fireworks and I know they can't hurt me, but the sound triggers me and immediately puts me in fight or flight status. Sprinkle some social anxiety onto that and I am ready to jump out of my skin.

     For me and my story, it begins before the war and a little before my parents divorce when a new man or two were introduced to mine and my sister's life. Shortly after they divorced, my mother remarried one very mean and abusive man, but also someone who held us together; who on some days woke up to make my life hell and no one can tell me otherwise. And when he did these things, it was always my fault. I internalized those things and made them my own. For the longest time, I thought something was wrong with me and that's why people loved me toxically and violently. Being told that he loved me most also stung like a thousand bees (still does, which is why I refuse to hear it). Fast forward to now, I am finally not so angry when it comes to him. He passed away in 2013 and I was there beside him on his death bed. Why? I am the bigger person; his trauma will not ruin me. It's taken me years of therapy and years of work on myself to get that way. I talk to him now- especially when I am walking my favorite trail around the cemetery. 

War had torn our country apart, and all for the sake of land, power and religion. After my mother remarried, we still weren't safe in Bosnia; her new last name only protected her. Being a refugee at 9 years old, having to sleep in a camp, trust strangers and make it safely across the border? I'd say that leaves a bit of a scar. We experienced a few years of normalcy while we lived with my father in Croatia, and I finally felt that I had a family I was longing for. I had friends, I loved my school-- I even had a boyfriend (we were 11 years old; it was serious- I was gonna marry him). I was learning how to ride a bike. Nightmares had stopped. Life was good. Until it wasn't again. My sister Manuela left for America with my mother in Nov '96 and I was supposed to come when I finished 8th grade, or so I thought. Papers came saying my mother had me and my brother booked for 9/29/1997. You can imagine the discontent but the promise of a better life loomed. We boarded the bus to Vienna while I watched the three most important men in my life cry as they were letting me go. We spent the night in NYC and then boarded another plane to Nashville. I stepped off the plane and SURPRISE- mom is 9 months pregnant!!! I was shook, but then my big little love was born a month later. 

Shit went down for many years after that--that's a whole other long story, but my intention in sharing a little piece of my life is to remind all of you to be kind to people. We all have lives that we have lived that have been affected by things that may still be affecting us. Please, be kind to people, be curious, ask questions and let's normalize talking about mental health and setting our boundaries so we don't get triggered and affected negatively. Let's normalize communication again, calling each other like it's the 90's and having solid friendships rather than 300 Instagram likes. PLEASE?! Human decency is dying and we are part of the problem. 

Against the wall

Hello. It's me. Dear Jesus, thank you. God, if you're listening, I'm grateful. I'm struggling, but I cannot believe how you answer my prayers. If you do not directly influence me, then thank you for sending people my way. I'm especially thankful for a few just today. It means a lot to me that you believe in me, that you think of me and that you help me in any way I need it. Guys, tho..seriously. Thanks for asking, texting, wishing, praying, paying and everything else in between. You have made me cry in joy, and God only knows I can never repay you. Thank you to theether, Anna, for your smiling face that I saw at lunch even if it was for a few minutes. Thank you to my theether from another mister, Hana, you're the real MVP. You've been my GPS, my photographer and my delivery woman all week. Thank you big sister, Manuela, for my 2nd tests and your words of encouragement throughout this week. I love you. 

That brings me to my second point. I cannot schedule these tests until way later in June it seems like which switches my plans a little LOT. It just seems like every time I try to do something in the education field, it's cursed to fail before it begins. It's frustrating. Life is frustrating. I am so frustrated I could scream. Or go for ice cream. I think I'll take a yogurt instead and plan a vacation if my dream doesn't work out this year. C'est la vie!! So hello guys, how's your Thirsty Thursday going? Is everyone still alive- y'all make it out okay?

Just wanted to make sure that this Thursday didn't end up with some victims. Much love. 

Parents

Oh you chose me. For whatever reason you chose to have me. I've often wondered why God said "Those parents!" and just handed me over. Mom, I just never could be a full girl; but as I'm finding out you're not much of one either. Dad, I am the best son you've ever had; I take care of myself and you've never really had to worry about paying for my dresses, books and college. I took care of me. You both have taught me so much and I just cannot thank you enough. It hasn't been an easy road and the fact that it's still unsure is a bit disconcerting.  There are many things you've taught me; there are many things I've had to learn on my own when I wasn't ready. I grew up fast, and hard, I learned things the hard way and I've been put through hell. You've been there times to pick me up and often, it was great timing. I didn't have to ask. I never did.  My dear parents, you tried your best. Of that, I'm pretty sure. I cannot thank you enough for being there for me when I needed you the most and when I didn't think I had it in me to keep going. For some reason, I always found my way back to you; whether it was to visit Dad back home in Croatia, move in with mom or move mom in after life decides to show its ugly side.

Wait? You're single?

At some point in our lives do we give off a vibe that our expiration date is near and we need to settle down? Is my clock ticking my life away and I am just waiting for something perfect for me? Or is the expiration date near and it gives the okay for guys to treat you like a carton of milk? They commit to the one behind you with a day less on her spoiled stage. It seems that even my mother has a higher chance to meet someone to love than I do. This isn't really for the lack of trying, but in reality I do have a "No Loser" policy and it goes in effect once in a while.
For example, I meet one, like one, imagine our life, do one and never have ones time again. So meet, like, fuck, marry, and kill. The five elements of any "I am thirty two years old and am starting to collect animals" club.

So, no I am not 32; I am 25 with 7 years experience. In all reality, I am a little kid who works overtime and pays bills. I pay my taxes, I'm nice to older people, I am a people person, and I will probably be able to put your child to sleep and get your animal to love me immediately. Seriously. That's wifey material right there if I ever saw it. But no, I work a lot, and the only place I would meet someone would be in gym when I go once or twice a month, or at work. I meet many people at work, but some of them are just lost causes and I can't fix any more people. I am not the Red Cross and I love me more than you. I want a partner. I want someone who is prepared to be ever thine, ever mine, ever ours. Gabi out.  . . . . drops mike. Literally.

As it pertains now

My dear bloggers, It's been a while since I have written mainly because I feel like I have nothing to say. I work, I come home to eat and sleep, play with my dog and repeat. Every chance in which I get to change my reality, I take it. Sometimes I go to a girlfriend's house, have wine and gripe about my daily life. Mainly, I stay home, and enjoy visits from my friends and some family. 

 I have much to say lately but unknown to my conscious mind how to put all that into words, so until my heart can allow me to speak again, then my fingers will do their magic. Until then I just leave you with a few songs..

hello skeletons

For the past couple more like a few years, I have been silent. Silent and waiting patiently for things to get better. Crying a little, fighting a little, drinking a little, meeting and losing friends, getting my heart broken (a few times)..Years passed..I lost myself in many little pieces in many different directions. I thought maybe people could make it better. A new friendship. A new perspective. Maybe a new relationship would make my heart feel better or my life worth living. One day in summer of last year, I fell in love with a man. I poured myself into a long distance relationship and forgot, yet again, what it's like to love me, care about me, respect me, take care of me, my needs and my existence because there is not one soul who will. I traveled there and took a month long vacation, if vacation could really be the word for it. It was more like cramming a part of a life story into a month's worth of visit while you're in the mother countries with your family and the new guy while you're having a month long anxiety attack. It wasn't successful and it just took a while to crash and burn. How does one explain being in love and not being able to allow the one person who loves you love you? Oh..yeah..depression. At the time that's how it started..

Vacation left me on thin ice in relationship, family life, friendship and then my career starter to do a downward spiral. Not to mention home life wasn't and isn't necessarily in order either. So what happens to your mind frame when every aspect of your life feels like it's fallen down the rabbit hole? It goes into survival mode. It shuts off. It starts shutting off things like problem solving, information processing, patience, sleep, and people as well as many others in order for you to function as a person minimally. It starts turning on only for moments of major adulting I call work, needs, drive, repeat. Eat sometimes is part of it, but often I am too exhausted or so busy at work that I cannot function. I came back from my vacation in Croatia after a month to find that no one has done anything in my office in my job position which set me back. I am constantly trying to be the best employee because that is my responsibility, but I constantly am feeling alone in that. Anyway, long story short the job position in the company I am currently in is making my life so crazy that I have developed some really bad anxiety and have been a hermit from the everyday life. I already suffer from depression (if you're crazy and you know it- shake your meds). It has taken such possession of me and my life. I worry constantly that I am not good enough and then I think back on stuff that I have done to make me a better safety manager, make me a better coworker; hell..make me a better person. 

I've tried. And kept trying. And will keep trying to fight. In life. Work. Friends. In myself, because for the first time in life I am in a crisis. I am in need and I need some major R&R. I have to keep fighting and looking for the little things in a day to feel okay, because if I don't that will be the end of me. There are only a few people in my life that know how I feel. How I truly feel on a daily basis living with very high anxiety and very deep depression, among everything around me lookin' just a little crazy. I'm as mad as the hatter and as lost as Alice.

Last word

I grew up a kid of divorced parents and I was also a middle child, so I was fucked hardcore from beginning. I have many issues and none of them I fear. They're a part of me and every characteristic rolled up into this is me. I fear failure, I fear a lot of things in life, but I will never fear who I am. That's the only thing I have left in this world. My integrity. My self-righteousness and my word. I don't promise I'm an angel. I have fallen many times. I have clipped my wings once this little girl grew up and started living in our jacked up world. I don't promise to be a good sister, a good daughter or even a good friend. But one thing I do promise is that I will always tell it how it is. The truth, whole truth and nothing but the truth. I would rather hurt your feelings once with the truth, than hurt your feelings every time you remember the lie.
Few people know me as me and they take me as I am. I have mostly guy friends because frankly, girls talk shit. Girls remind me of my own weaknesses and guys are just easier with emotions than we are. I learn a lot from people I am around and I chose to surround myself with people who remind me how the world is and how the hell to deal with it all. I choose to surround myself with people who are honest; I sometimes fail. I fail to see the person for their true colors and I am often surprised when I feel the cold steel in my back. 
Many people don't know me at all. Usually, I try. I try to make you see me. I try to bring you into the world of Gabi, but often I make mistakes because I am human and sometimes, people judge me for the little stupid shit that happens. Chances are, my mistakes are twisted and turned into something ugly for the world to talk about it. If you never let me fix it, you never gave me a chance.
Here is a little, small, minute insight on me. I will never lie to you. If I fuck up, I will royally fuck up and stand by my mistakes. If I tell you you look fat in those jeans, you really do. If I tell you you're beautiful, I mean it with my whole heart. If I give you advice, it means I care enough about you to want you to do better. If I trust you, it means you've worked hard enough to jump over my walls and get in. I will never lie to protect your feelings because that lie will turn into many more I have to tell you to make sure you're okay and frankly, I am way too lazy to try to remember what I said to you yesterday to make sure it matches what I tell you today. My short term memory sucks anyway and I don't care to think too much. If I tell you I'm your friend, it means I will stand by you no matter what. If I tell you I love you, it means you're carrying my heart. Don't break it.

Lately, I've been feeling..

Like I'm not good enough. Like whatever good I have done in the world will never outshine the bad. Like I'm a bad sister, friend, daughter, grand-daughter. Sometimes, these feelings end up taking my life over and in my own eyes, I don't measure up. It's amazing how the people in our lives can either build us or destroy us. They can influence our self-esteem, they can influence our footprint in this world, they have the power, but only if we let them have control. I've let it happen for too long. I haven't had someone build me in a really long time.

Lately, I've been anti-social. I just want to sit on my couch, and watch my Dexter marathon on Netflix and eat something not good for me. It may have something to do with March. It may very well be because I am dealing with a butt-load of emotions since it's been a year since my step-dad died or it may be because for the first time in my life, I have no one. I have a few friends and my family, but no one to really sit and hash things out with. No one to talk to about my deepest, darkest secrets or my hopes and dreams, no one to lean on, to depend on, to feel like myself around, to just relax with. My roommate, so far, is handling all of that herself, but with her one job and school and my two jobs, the only time I see her is gym time and that time is to put work in and to sweat. We have a few talks in the hours we do see each other and I'm thrilled she is in my life. I probably would have been hanging from my ceiling if it hadn't been for her.

I've noticed that for the past two years, I have completely changed the person I am. I used to be fun, I used to be talkative, I used to be social and I was everyone's friend. So many people leaned on me and confided in me. So many people loved me and were grateful I'm their friend. So many people knew the real me. I'm not the same person I used to be. Something dark has taken over my life and it has left only a small shell of my former self. That is my fault. I let my life be controlled. I let my life pass me by. I let people influence how I felt, how I loved, who I was, my friendships, my finances and where I lived.

No more. I am letting go and starting over, but first I have to deal with my dark times. I have to get knocked down to the bottom and I'm pretty close. I have to fall down into a bottle of alcohol before I get out. I have to relive my failed relationships and learn my mistakes. I have to get rid of my baggage before I can make room for anyone in my life. I have to let go.


Thank you, Obama-care. This chickie is about to get therapy. I wonder if they have couples counseling for anyone who wants to come with me?

I'm done

I'm done trusting you. I'm done trying with you. There is no more hope left. You have betrayed me in every aspect of my life and I don't want to build a life with someone who continuously stabs me in the back. I'd rather be alone. I kept coming back, kept attempting to love you like I did. I kept coming back thinking "This time will be different", but every time I came back, more secrets and lies poured out. And I just can't. This is the end of my line. I'm at the end of my rope. My heart has been broken by you so many times and I cannot give it to you anymore. You were supposed to keep it safe. You were supposed to mend the hurt and make sure that you put it back together. I would never do what you have done to me. I have made my mistakes and I have fixed them. You continue to make yours and think I'm going to be okay with it because I love you. It doesn't work that way. You have turned into the most vindictive and spiteful human being I have ever met and this isn't the person I want to be with. I don't need to watch my back around the ones I love the most.

I don't have to name all the fucked up shit you did. I'm hoping you know it. I'm hoping you are halfway a decent human being and you know every single lie you told, every single hurt you brought up on me purposely, every single betrayal, every single untold information. I hope it haunts you. I hope you can't sleep knowing you could have fixed all of it and chose not to. I never wanted my freedom until you became my prison. You became everything I hated about myself and I hope one day, someone "loves" you like you "loved" me.

I need someone who will respect me in EVERY way even when he is mad, hurt by me or upset with me not talk to other girls or lie to me to "pay me back" or hurt me. I need someone to cherish me, be honest with me, be proud of me, show me off, be lovey with me, take care of me, care about me, trust me, consider me in everything he does. I need to be the girl he can't get out of his head, he can't sleep or breathe without. I need to be the girl he would kill or die for. I need to be his one and ONLY.

Thank you for proving to me that I was an idiot for ever trusting a word that has come out of your mouth. You are incapable of love, you are incapable of being a decent human being, you think the world owes you something, you think you're God's gift to women, and you think you are always right. Well, let me teach you something. NO ONE IS RIGHT in love. If you truly love someone, being right will never be more important, lying will never even be an issue, and doing things on purpose to the one you "love" because the person has hurt you somehow would never occur.

I told you once, I want to keep your friendship. Maybe years later we can look back on this and laugh. Maybe I'll never be able to look at you again. Right now, I'm so indifferent. It's almost as if I don't care anymore. This cold has swept over my heart and the only thing I have left is my hatred towards you and your actions. When the one you love the most betrays you, your world falls apart. You should know. Your ex wife did it to you and you sent karma to the wrong girl. I was always the wrong girl.

And another year older

Ok, so I love birthdays.
This year..not so much! I miss my step-dad, I feel lonely, I'm single, I feel humiliated, betrayed, untrustworthy..shitty is the perfect way I feel. 30 is getting closer and I still haven't found my prince charming. I guess this is what a girl has to feel when she is going through a nearing-30 crisis. I wonder what happens at 40?

Know what I'm doing to celebrate my birthday? Getting off work, going home for a quick nap, gym for a couple of hours and then either downing a bottle of wine at the house or going out to the local watering hole alone, maybe with a few friends for a drink to drown my pity party.

So my best friend and I have been chatting through texts for the past two hours and of course, he is just as challenged in relationships as I am. While he is afraid to fall in love, I am not. I welcome it with open arms.
Apparently, I have come to the conclusion that "I'm a great girl, any guy would be lucky to have me, I have the qualities any man would want" BUT NO ONE WANTS TO HAVE! I mean c'mon! I'm honest, I'm loyal, I'm independent, I don't take bullshit, I hate liars, I don't cheat or do any "behind your back" bullshit. The most horrible thing about me? I have male friends who I hardly see or talk to, I'm everyone's friend. I'm sick of being me. I have had every SINGLE EX tell me "you're a great girl. you deserve the best. you're what every man wants," but every single of the ones that have told me that, have done the worst to me. Physically abused me, mentally abused me, cheated on me, lied to me, have been insanely jealous FOR NO REASON, hid things from me, tried to change me, couldn't accept me for me or love me for me, call me names, etc.

What happened to loving someone for THEM? To make them happy, to make them smile because their happiness is ESSENTIAL like air to yours? I guess I'm too old to believe in fairy tales. Only two men in my life lived to see me smile and one of them is my daddy.
So please guys, thank you SO much about letting me know I'm the best you've ever had but treating me the worst you've ever done. I appreciate it, but from now on, love me less.

Anyways, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

P.S. I have two friends who I added online for a game I used to play who NEVER met me and surprised me last night with gift cards for my birthday. Thank you so much to the both of you. You have somewhat restored my faith in humanity and made me cry like a little girl.

P.P.S. My coworkers are awesome. I cried again.

Sometimes it's the little things

So, I've been going crazy with all the stuff that has been going on in my life. The break up, the getting back together, finding out he was talking to a couple of someone else's while I begged for another chance, I mean, he claimed he planned on marrying me. Although, I think this was just something to say to get me back, it worked. Feeling like I was cheated on, lied to, like my life and all my plans were literally taken from underneath my feet, my heart re-breaking into a million tiny pieces (good luck to the next one is all I have to say; he will have to cement that shit back on).

I spoke to a couple of good friends of mine last night. Actually, the irony is I spoke to the two that he hated so much and thought they posed a threat, but yet they stood up for him in some ways. The thing is, the threat was really in him. He was afraid of a lot of things. Even his own shadow when it came to love. He was so afraid I would hurt him that he ended up hurting me. I am no angel. I did have a huge part in this, but I would never do things intentionally (i.e. I did my bullshit when we were broken up. He did his when we were together.) Anyways, I came to the conclusion that I wasn't the person he fell in love with. He is looking for something else, someone else and I never came close to being good enough.

Moving on to the conversations. My friends want to see me happy. Regardless. It can be with him, or anyone else. They support me. They both asked me the same questions. "Do you love him?" and then gave me a speech on how to fix it if I do. At first their reaction to their friend being hurt is "fuck that asshole, you can do better" but when that friend is crying and broken, they want to see her happy again. And the other question was "how am I?" Of course, when you ask a brokenhearted girl "how is she", her reaction is quite simple.

Tears pouring out in clumps, her make up running, her hair stuck to the side of her wet face and snot bubbles coming out of her nose. Ladies and gents, it is NOT a pretty sight. I won't give you the details of the conversations because I'm apparently out of my mind crazy for ever thinking I could have gotten this one right. I'll just give you the basic gist of it. It takes a really strong person to love someone who is already broken. The thing is, I knew I was. I knew I had issues and that my issues will only be resolved with someone patient, caring and kind enough to deal with my high-tech bullshit. He was more of the "you hurt me so I hurt you back" type. I rarely got an "I'm sorry" and we never communicated about anything other than pointing fingers. All I ever got were "I'm sorry but.." There was only one time I believed he was truly sorry, and even that was taken away from me.

The thing I heard from both of my friends was to just live. It's not okay now, but it will be later. To not let this pain stop me from loving again, from living, from being consumed by life and all the little, beautiful things it has to offer. To guard myself against people but not so much that when someone amazing comes around and wants to give me the world, that I run. One thing I will never let happen again; I will never let anyone lie to me again. I've lied a couple of times and I regret it. Once to him; It only hurts more. Being lied to about everything? Where he's at, who he's with, who he talked to, even the little tiniest things like time..that builds on disappointment after disappointment until it explodes.

Anyways, I write this and it seems to you like I'm doing fine. Let me just make it clear that I am in no way okay. BUT maybe this is the first step in healing is being able to let it out. And since I can't let it out to the one who hurt me, I can to my blog and my poor family and friends. I've cried so much on my mother's shoulder the past weekend, it's amazing she still has one. I've been angry, I've been disappointed, I've felt betrayed. I spent a few nights drinking and drugging myself stupid with my friends. The healing process continues, I guess. I don't want to know what tomorrow will be like. I want life to surprise me.

Woah, we are actually nuts

Dear readers, are you ready to laugh at how crazy women actually are? So here is a little story to help you grasp the insanity that I have in my head on a daily basis.

So, my boyfriend and I broke up. It's a really sad thing. I kinda, sorta, possibly really did love him. Okay, so anyways, it was me that called it quits generally for the sake of my individuality. I didn't want to be in a relationship where I didn't trust him and he didn't trust me. Both of us have fucked up over and over again and despite the warning signs telling us not to, we fell in love and ruined each other's lives. There were lies, there was hidden information, there was that one thing with the rules, and a lot of "who the hell is that texting" and just general hatred of our opposite sex friends.

Okay, I have been a tomboy my whole life. I had two best girl friends that I can remember and that was it. The rest were boys. My dad for sure got a son, just with a vagina. I grew up not trusting females. They would stab you, lie to you, deceive you, sleep with your guy, get a boyfriend and ditch you completely, etc. The boys, I felt more comfortable with. First of all, they can't sleep with my bf or ex.

Anyways, on to my actual point. I got handed a ultimatum. I didn't make a choice and the silence was enough for him to make the choice for me. Even though this was what I wanted, as soon as I got it..I didn't want it anymore. Now, don't get me wrong. He would be my perfect man if he wasn't so jealous and actually let me have my freedom..but he won't. That's not who he is and I can't ask him to be anything less or more than what he is just to be with me.

Okay, so my point? Women are insane. The thought creeps into my head every day about what he is doing, where he is, if someone is making him smile, things remind me of him and I want to share. While some of the thoughts turn my stomach, others make me miss him. I wrote the same text message at least 500 times and never sent it.

The reason I didn't send it? Going back would mean I let go of my individuality and become what he wants me to be. That isn't compromise anymore. That's me becoming someone I'm not. I love my freedom and I love him. He doesn't like the fact that I have male friends. He doesn't trust me. Those things won't change no matter how much we love each other. I've tried. Maybe not as many times or ways as I'd have liked, but I tried. Haha should have hired a counselor.

I've never had this problem with a guy before; they usually knew how I was before the relationship. I don't know why this one didn't believe me.

One thing he said and he was right; I do stand up for people that would never stand up for me. I also sacrifice my life for them and their happiness, when I should worry about my own. Not anymore. Thanks for that..

I guess it takes time, but I swear one more person tells me that to comfort me and I'm snapping necks!