Monsters

One of my favorite old pastimes was watching psychological thrillers, serial killers documentaries and local hauntings. Teaching small children, I have been slowly integrating psychology into my every day life and theirs. Watching them grow from tiny, angry psychopaths into beautiful, regulated children is an amazing reward of my job. When I was at WKU, I studied child psychology many times in different classes and it really just taught me more about myself. It's interesting when you focus outward, sometime you also tend to heal your inward. However, when we focus on the good, we mustn't forget the bad, the evil, the subhuman.

I've been delving into the Monster series on Netflix. It started with Dahmer a few months back; I've watched the Ed Gein story and currently watching the Lyle and Erik Menendez story. It's wild to see that monsters are not always born, that they can be created by neglect, abuse, war or a mix of all of the above. They are created by a series of unfortunate, traumatic events that can be chronic. At times, it's one thing that is the catapult to murder, but then sometimes it's continuous, ominous happenings that change your DNA and make you into someone bad, someone who uses their magic for evil.

We all have magic. We can use it for good or for evil. Money can be used for good or evil, so can weapons, and so can words. We create our reality, our lives and we put our boundaries up to feel safe. We use magic every day- whether we are manipulating an outcome or whether we are using intentional kindness and radical honesty is up to us. So if we are magic, we are medicine, we are intuitive, we are pure animals and we are still children. So I ask today, are you using your magic for good...or for evil? Are you intentionally lying and deceiving yourself, your partner, your people.. or are you using your words to create, to learn, to grow? Are you leaning more towards the psychosis of your life or the magic that you have within you that is weird, strange and wonderful?

How much of society are you making into the standard human response? Are you listening to yourself and making your kinks feel subhuman? Are you depending on social norms to tell you who you are and what you like? I, myself, am not a huge fan of the word "social norms" because who is to say what's normal? Normal is a setting on a dryer, not a human being. There are things that we all do like bleed, sexual desires and triggers and have flesh and meat suits but we are inherently all same, but different. How much of our differences really truly matter? I am full of questions lately as I am stepping into new territory by stepping into my feminine. It's awkward, it feels unsafe, I feel strange, loud and obnoxious all while I feel peaceful and like I am coming home. Weird. It's all strange. The Cheshire Cat said it best.

No one is coming

No one is coming to save you. No one is coming to intentionally empathize or change your life. No one is coming to wipe your face, or dust the dirt off your petticoat. That's what I've realized this year; like truly, wholly realized. It hit me like a wet towel across my face when I got yet another call with bad news on the other line about my physical body. There is no one out there that's going to save you from life, from pain, from rejection, from living with yourself. You have to learn to pour into yourself because your heart, your body, your mind, your spirit...are the first home you have. Only one person that truly will be there for you- is you. And you better get your stuff together girl, cause no one is coming!

First thing, I have recently experienced a disappointment in how my love life was going. It's okay. I'm an idiot...again. I shouldn't have let myself slip for someone that wasn't available to catch me, or willing. In his defense, he warned me. I had faux hope- lesson learned. I am changing that pattern because it doesn't serve the person I am becoming. I am stepping into my full feminine and that takes lots of vulnerability and growth. Not everyone can handle that and that is okay. Sometimes, people tell you or show you that you're too much; you just need a man with bigger hands. Next thing- I have recently experienced love and intimacy which has opened me up to the desire of dating again. The desire to be wanted, loved, cared for, impressed, and honestly? Claimed. Last thing, the same person that has disappointed me has also shown me what I am capable of when it comes to relationships, no matter how complicated. I'm thankful. I've learned I want more understanding, less reading between the lines and more of the "Do you want to be mine- circle yes or no."

We often are not very forward with each other. We hide behind masks, we project insecurities and aggravations on others, we perform what our parents taught us or how life molded us. I have decided this year early on that I was going to be radically honest about everything. That is how we grow, how we evolve, how we become- in truth. I was born and raised in a not very honest family, and then add the dishonesty of the world, the greed, manipulations, the omission of truth and BOOM! You get human beings in fear of communication and touch, which are the most important senses. We forgot how to just BE. We are so busy doing, setting goals, running after money and nose-deep in the technology that we have forgotten about the importance of making memories without media.

I have a fantastic retreat coming up with amazing humans in the NY mountains. To meet, to hug, to connect with and speak my truth. To grow, remember, unplug and just BE with. The 16 year old girl inside me has been SCREAMING that she needs a safe space, a quiet, loving space, a soft space for months. She has been begging for life, for love, for connection, for romance and all she has gotten is death, disappointment, an inferiority complex, and soft rejections. Now, one thing that the adult me has figured out is how to compartmentalize and just keep swimming. I have to for survival, focus on me. Life has smacked me in the face and this retreat is perfect, Divine timing!

Toodles! 

To date or not to date?

I am stepping out of my 3's into my 4's this year. I turn the big FOUR OH in November. It's been a big year- I have been so focused on releasing all that doesn't serve the woman I am growing into. 2025 has been a really hard year so far. I've mourned a 1 year death anniversary of a close friend, another old friend's cancer battle ending, my grandmother and Niko passing, as well as some health issues and a love life that keeps attracting unhealthy relationship patterns. The year has not been kind, but the strangest thing has happened. I've been able to face it all head on and stay standing. I am convinced that the last three years of hell with losing partners, jobs, friendships, family matters and health concerns prepared me for the moment where I lost my biggest cheerleader and didn't fall apart completely. It's really been life affirming for me that I am divinely protected. The last three years of handling life without a partner, has put me in a position to think hard about my future and where I would like to see myself in a year or five.

As a woman, when you consider your future there are many paths to think about. Do you want to be a mother and how much time is left for that? Would you like to get married? Would it matter if they have been married and had kids already? Do you want someone with small kids, grown kids or without any at all? Would you be okay partnered up and never married because at this point in your age range, people are working on their first, maybe even second divorce? Once you ask all of your questions and further examine where you are on those paths, then you can figure out what you want. It takes time, courage, passion and desire in order to experience life fully and learn about your human experience. It's been many years since I had the desire and now that I do, I am not sure where to start. I am open about wanting to spend life with a partner and I have been for a few years. I have experienced the fast life, the depressed life, the angry life and now all I want is a soft life with a safe person for me.

I don't shy away from vulnerabilities anymore. I don't mind being open to life anymore, radically honest, courageous, willing to compromise, and also willing to get my heart broken. As George Adair said "everything you want is on the other side of fear." Essentially, you are dating to either marry/partner up or dating to break up. I don't like starting something "to see where it goes". Having intention is important to me when it comes to dating. It's a choice. You are choosing that person each hour, each day, each week, month, year, decade. I want someone to choose me, even when I make it hard to. I want to be someone's only choice, not an option until the next one comes along or until the last one comes back. That is really hard to find in the "talking culture" nowadays. I'm either dating or not, coupling up or not, planning or not, all in or nothing at all. I don't want crumbs- I'm not settling for a slice- I want the whole damn pie.

I was told recently that this smells like desperation. I had to ponder on that statement to see if that's what this was. I decided it wasn't desperation, but a broken pattern of hoping some man chooses me yet again instead of releasing that story. It's time to find and let someone love me that actually wants to love me, build with me, share a life with me. Let me assure you if I was desperate, I would take any of the many men that would like my attention and love. Just because I don't have a main hitter doesn't mean I don't have a line-up.

Toodles!

Spirituality v. Grief

Hey everyone,

My grandmother passed away on 8/17. My sister's father in law passed on 8/19. You can't make this up. My families lost two generations of grandparents in two days- a great-grandma and a grandfather. I AM NOT OKAY!! We buried my grandmother on Wednesday 8/20, and Niko on Friday 8/22. On Saturday, I attended my sweet friend Marcy's offering; a grief retreat that I had registered for weeks before specifically for my neighbor. Never dreamed I would be in terrible need of it. I couldn't be more grateful that Spirit had put it on my path and very grateful for Marcy for holding such a safe container that I could scream, cry, grieve and release all the stuck energy that I have been harboring for years.

After I got home on Friday from the funeral and sitting shiva essentially all week, I spoke with a dear friend of mine who reads past lives. We had already started discussing my past lives last year, but really decided to hone in on how many I have lived. She mentioned that a previous life of mine on this land was in the 1400's and that I was one of the Mound people at Etowah village, which is now in Cartersville, GA about 271 miles away. So after I got out of the retreat on Saturday and got home at 2:30pm, I packed, got a babysitter for the farm and left on the road at 4:20pm. There were numerous things that happened on the trip down that made me feel safe and pointed out I was on the right path. Once I got there, I checked into a hotel and signs continued to happen. The energy of the place felt amazing- I felt as if I was home. 

On Sunday, 7 days since my grandmother had passed- I woke up early, had coffee in the hotel room, meditated and watched the beautiful scenery outside of my window. I got dressed and headed to Etowah Indian Mounds Historic Site. Once I got there, I asked for the guide that I  trauma vomited all over on the phone. Once Lucy came to the front, I started crying. I thanked her for being so kind and patient on the phone with me. She informed me that people often come to Etowah for healing and I told her a little of why I was there. We exchanged hugs and I headed to the mounds. I took pictures of everything at the center without reading it, and then stepped onto the land. I walked tops of Mounds A, B, C and the river bank barefoot. I was met by a butterfly at the beginning and the end of the journey through my Native land. I saw many more signs on the way back home that confirmed I was divinely protected and that she was still here, in the wind.

I recommend visiting Native lands, national and state parks while they are still funded and taken care of. Suffice to say, I found Spirit out there. 

Spirituality 3.0

I'm going to be real honest here and tell you that I have set the Bible down. It's been sitting on my coffee table last two weeks just looking at me. I have made it to Numbers. When I decided to read the Bible cover to cover, I knew it was going to take a lot of focus for several reasons. I wasn't a huge history nut when I was younger, I watched my family do dumb shit and justify it with celebratory Catholicism and was made fun of for going to church and Sunday school. So.. not a big fan of religion already and then I come to the US and saw all the money poured into churches but not homeless shelters, and I had enough. Religion just has never been my cup of tea, and I was familiar with a few of them; while I believed a little of each I just never belonged in any single one. I was a little bit Catholic, with a hint of Muslim and a pinch of Jehovah's witness, and add some Buddhism 101 on the side. 

Fast forward to now, I have searched long and hard until I reached spirituality which to me was believing in all of the religions, in all of the Gods and Goddesses, deities and saints. Everyone is right, every God is the "one" and everything you believe in that is good is great. I don't argue anyone over my views being right or wrong, and I don't push the way I believe onto someone else. Not anymore. It's just simple peace, in my head, in my heart and my soul is learning to relax daily. My nervous system has always been in a war zone, but this year it's learning to breathe, be still and become what it should have been all along- regulated, efficient, loving.

So back to religion and God. My beliefs are different than most people's. I think God is in each of us, I think Heaven and Hell are right here on Earth, and I think that many Messiah's have walked this Earth and potentially some would be considered "schizo or crazy" now in our modernized societies all over the world. I also believe in magic and things that religion, God, spirituality, science cannot explain and don't have a word for besides magic or woo-woo. You can go ahead and take me out back, hang me or stone me because I will stand by my beliefs. I feel them deeply. I feel the magic in my skin every time I hear a good song. I feel it in my hands the moment I enter a room filled with heavy energy. I feel it in my belly when someone I like looks at me in that way and compliments my existence in their life. 

So yeah, magic is everywhere. In you, in me, in them, in it. Our Creator is good all the time, magic is a big part of it. Anyway, I'm going to sign off on this short and sweet post by saying I choose to keep my childlike magic alive every day and it's a very hard job. The lack of whimsy in adulthood is disgusting and I recommend you to go outside and frolic in some grass today and see if your ass doesn't feel like magic. You can't be sad, mad, or unhappy if you're skipping. Toodles!!

Your brain

BRAAAAAINS!!! We all have them, not all of us use them, but its main function is to keep us alive, not happy. Because of my own struggles with my own brain, I have often read books on the wonder of our brain- how it thinks, what chemicals do what, where the secret doorways are and how to make more neurons! Because of my fascination with the brain, it always made me wonder what makes us great humans, but also what can make us go tick tick BOOM! I've been fascinated with serial killers, and the dark abyss of the world for a long time on the account of that curiosity. 

As we have all seen in Inside Out 1 and 2, our brain has chemicals which do certain things, and those little assholes can sometimes get their information wrong. When they do, they wreak havoc. We think thoughts that are not like us, we get super tired or scared for no reason, and we tend to blow up at the smallest situations because our bodies think they're at war. Fun. It's so much fun being a human being. Wow! And then to be a man or a woman. Our hormones cycle every 28ish days. As a cisgender man, your cycle is daily- how great for you all. We get to feel 34 feelings before breakfast and you get to press reset at night. Just genius. Our creator definitely had a tremendous fun time making us. Anyhoo, back to the brain.

I started researching and looking into neuroscience because I was tired of people telling me to just think positive. And the terrible diagnoses like MDD, anxiety, C-PTSD and ADHD just felt like tainted labels which the capitalist patriarchy was charging me for. Or worse yet- comparing whatever I was going through only to claim "it wasn't that bad". I was sick of feeling like something was constantly wrong with me. With a little bit of reading, I realized my nervous system was doing its job, but its job was only to keep me “safe”- whatever that means. In the meantime, my nervous system was so dysregulated and dysfunctional, it would make me complete all 7F trauma responses in a safe situation. I constantly have to soothe and talk myself down from a ledge; it's exhausting but it's getting better. Things like plant medicine, meditation, sound healing, yoga, Reiki, work for me in the healing space, among many others things. It's what helps me get by on a daily basis. Call me your witchy godmother.

In September of 2021, I discovered Buti yoga because I was plummeting into a depressive state, and needed a way to get energy out of my body. A friend suggested it, I went to a class and fell in love. In March of 2022, I became a Buti yoga instructor. In 2023, going further on my yoga journey and developing my personal practice, I started my 500 hour yoga teacher training including meditation, breathwork and somatic therapy which I graduated from in March of 2024. My YTT broke me open. It put me face first with some very uncomfortable situations, while going through a series of unfortunate events and just wanting to belong to a community was kicking in the fawn response like crazy.

As of last month, I was attuned as a Reiki 1 Practitioner. I have used these modalities to keep myself from going insane when life decides to life. I am also using these healing modalities to regulate my nervous system, develop healthy relationships with myself and others, and sink into shadow work to heal some traumas- one day at a time. Wish me luck!

Muse

Who, where or what is your muse? 

Is it your partner, or maybe your child? Is it a parent or a sibling? Every time you think about them or spend time with them, it opens you up creatively! Is it your cat or your dog? You sit on the ground brushing them, or take them on a walk and an idea strikes? And if it isn't a person or a thing, is there a specific spot where you go that just fuels your insides and ignites the fire? Maybe you'd get in your car, and go to that spot on the lake, sit on your favorite rock and just ponder the meaning of life, while great ideas just pour out of you? Or are you one of those people that need to go through some shit in order for your muse to appear so technically it isn't a person, place or thing and it's just a situation. Maybe it's the act of having sex. Let's be real- chemically, there is a whole lot happening in your body as you are having sex or having an orgasm so why wouldn't that be a good time to jolt some genius thought?

Recently, I was discussing being inspired to write lately and thanks to a few places, things and people, I have been writing the last couple of months more and more. I even put a little notebook in my purse so when I hear someone say something yummy, interesting or hell, even jolting, I would like to be able to keep up with it so I can ponder later on the subject. Who you surround yourself with matters, and I've been really picky lately about who I let in. I mean that whole-heartedly. I am careful about my energy, selective even. I choose people who choose me. I love people who love me. I see people who see me. I don't let anyone in my house, head or bed just willy nilly anymore. My peace is important and the world feels like it's about to spontaneously combust.

Muses have been portrayed usually by women, the feminine and only single apparition. Your muse(s) could be multiples of people, things, places and situations. For example, absolutely every time I have lunch with a friend of mine, she inspires me to become a Goddess who wants to be groveled for. She inspires me to step into my feminine wiles and she encourages my sexcapades a thousand percent! It's not one thing she says or does, it's the pure essence of her energy mingling with mine and the topics we discuss. I have another close friend, that when we spend the day together she makes me want to heal the world. Seriously. She makes me feel like I have the power to heal myself and the ENTIRE world. Can you imagine a friend's presence making you feel like that? 

Anyway, think about it. I'd love to hear about some of your muses. We don't have to name people, places, things or situations unless we want to. This is just for fun! Are you aware that you even have a muse? If not, I suggest you do some soul searching and find your person, place or thing- it's incredible! 

Kindness

This word has popped up a lot for me lately and it got me thinking. It's almost one of those "in" words now that are plastered on T-shirts, office walls and jewelry, but do we really participate in kindness? When was the last time you were kind? Are you only kind to certain people? How about being kind for no reason- when it didn't benefit you at all? Do you quantify kindness and think things like "I did it yesterday, I don't have to today"?

I've always been deep into language- maybe because I've had to learn 3 before my 12th birthday. Here is what the dictionary says about kindness --"the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate". Now, first thing I noticed was the and in the sentence which means being kind requires us to be 3 things at the same time. So in order for me to delve further into kindness, I now have to know what being friendly, generous and considerate means. Definitions of each :) You're welcome!

Friendly- Behaving in a pleasant, kind way towards someone.

Generous- Giving or willing to freely give more of something, as money or time, than is strictly necessary or expected.

Considerate- always thinking of other people's wishes and feelings.

WOW! That sounds like a lot of work, doesn't it!? It is. That's why only special people do it and they do it well. They almost feel like magic or sunshine, as I like to say it. They are the ones you don't have to teach how to love you. They show up. They do. They don't ask and they don't wait to be asked. They see a need, and they fill it. Those are your people- and often we have to be in the muck, the yuck, the stink, the funk, the down and dirty to see who those people truly are and that sometimes sucks. It also stinks to hope for it from certain people and not have that need met. Sucks. But this post is about kindness, and I am going to kindly finish it. 

Be kind to someone today and ask them to pay it forward. THE WORLD NEEDS IT! YOU NEED IT! I NEED IT! WE NEED IT!!!!

Spirituality 2.0

The other day I went on an adventure outside in my back yard. I sat down on the grass and smelled the ocean during meditation and it brought me back home when everyone was still Earthly present. Back home when I felt like a kid and had a supportive family and great friends. It brought me back to moments of my grandmother's knitting, my grandfather's piddling in the garage, my uncle's lessons on handwriting and my aunt's great cooking! It carried me through each memory and gently let me remember, but also showing me the harsh reality of forgetting what their voices sounded like. How I wish things were different, but absolutely being grateful they were mine.

The adventure left me sobbing for the grief that I've let myself feel again, this many years later. Baka (grandma) died in 2002, Eko (my nickname for my uncle) in 2008, Deda (grandpa) in 2010 and Strina (aunt) in 2020. It's been a painful road and each passing felt unreal because I have not been to any of the funerals. The interesting thing was that grief for each person felt new, as if I was feeling it for the first time. It's strange what kind of process grief has, because in my experience, you never truly get over anything. You just transmute it to mean something different, to hurt a little differently but not project onto others. 

Life is hard, y'all and whatever you have been through in life has brought you here. You haven't been through what you have been through to just get here though. There's more to see, more to travel, more joy to discover and more love to give. Because, isn't that the whole point? I know you must be thinking what woo woo shit is this now, since self-care is a commercialized retreat instead of a given right, but hear me out. Life is meant to be lived in community, with others who love and care for you as you do for them. For the path of communication, creativity and life force to flow both ways. And in community is when you heal!

You are not supposed to have it all figured out- no one does. You are not supposed to do it alone- many of us have at least one person, place or thing. You are not supposed to know everything- which means you share knowledge and find people who are capable of the things you seek. Same as they do- which inherently means there is something in YOU that is needed by someone else. That's that magic woo woo shit some of us are talking about.  It's the medicine and wisdom that you have inside you if only you were quiet enough to listen, and still enough to hear. 

Toodles! I'm going to go thank a tree for letting me breathe another day.

Spirituality

Look, I am not even going to apologize for not writing, because I feel at this point in my life, I am intuitive enough to know when something saps my creativity. Depression, unprocessed feelings, shadows lurking around, are all catalysts to my creativity sap and I usually go dark. I don't write for months, I don't open up enough and my communication begins to lack. Then I get frustrated at people for not being able to read my mind and it just starts a downhill spiral. So, again, I will not apologize for not writing. I will, however, do better. It seems I am slowly tapping back into my creativity, play and just plain joy, so I will do the best I can. It would help if whoever is still reading these, to give me some topics as suggestions. 

Okay, so the topic in my life lately that's been coming up a lot is Spiritualism/Spirituality and what I mean when I say "I am not religious, I am spiritual."

Oxford Dictionary term of "Spiritualism" is:

1. Noun- a system of belief or a religious practice based on supposed communication with the spirit of the dead, especially through mediums.

2. Philosophy- the doctrine that the spirit exists as distinct from matter, or that spirit is the only reality.

Spirituality is a noun and described as "the quality of being concerned with the human spirit or soul as opposed to material or physical things" And then it goes into deeper, but loose definition according to the social norms that spirituality is a “personal search for the purpose or meaning of life.”

Wow! That was not what I expected at all to be the definitions but interesting! For my definition, it begins with religion/s- plural- and moves on to what I chose to believe in, and what rings true to my mind, body and soul. I was raised Catholic-ish. You know the kind; celebratory of either life or death- we go to funerals and weddings, but never go to church on Sundays, do not get funky with lent and just overall, non practicing. The traditions, though, in our Eastern European country run deep because we take only what fits us and run with it. And then at a young age, I fall in love and end up living in a house with practicing Jehovah's witness for almost 4 years and take it upon myself to learn more about it- go to the assemblies, catch a meeting or two, read and ask questions. 

Fast forward years later, and I have friends and ex-partners that are Muslim, or Orthodox, whose religions I intended to find out a little about, especially if it was important to them or they were actively practicing. However, when you find out from other people, it tends to be watered down with their favorite traditions, their families upbringing and a little sprinkle of their own characteristics. It's fascinating to see how different people interpret the same religion and lead their lives accordingly. 

Anywho, today, I am reading the Bible. Painfully, slowly, but nevertheless. I want to find out word for word, as much as my brain can understand before I move on to the next Holy Book. I am attending once a month Satsang and learning more about how to truly embody my Divine highest self. As unsteady as everything in my life is, I feel more sensuous, more connected to Mother Earth, more grounded this year than I have last and it feels like sort of a rebirth. So to me, spirituality is being connected to Spirit and leading our own lives with connection to nature, love, plant medicine, nourishment, movement, etc. 

Toodles! Love y'all!

Anonymous

You know, there was a time when we didn’t hide behind little screens and anonymous comments. There was a time when we had courage to talk our differences out instead of running. There was even a time when people actually had conversations face to face. We don’t seem to live in that time anymore. We have become keyboard warriors, micro aggressors, passive aggressive douchenozzles who haven’t leaned into vulnerability in decades! Now, I understand the world changes and some of the technology making our lives easier is doing exactly that, but weren’t we taught that everything that comes easy isn’t worth having? That’s because we weren’t supposed to be using technology so much that we forget our humanity. We forgot what it was like waiting for something to happen and having the patience to watch it unfold. We forgot what it felt like to have to apologize to someone and having the guts to look them in the face to admit you're wrong, not sending some text saying "Sorry" it took you one second to even think about. 

Instead, we comment anonymously on someone's blog without having the guts to face them, or we accumulate the dislikes, disappointments and then lash them out online. Maybe we collect them inwardly and turn on ourselves. Either way, we have been avoiding the real problems and staying silent. We forgot humanity, above all else and we turned on each other with such a hatred rather than doing what every single religion preaches which is LOVE. Have love for yourself, for your fellow humans- not just the ones you kind of like. Have enough courage to bring up the hard subjects and stay objective discussing them. Have enough vulnerability to recognize your first world fucking problems, entitlement and the privilege that you have. 

I chose to lean into curiosity instead and find out the why. I chose to find people interesting and step out of my comfort zone each day in some way to get to know other humans as they are, not as I want them to be. I chose to be among people and all of their dirty laundry, not shy away from society because there's movements we are uncomfortable with. And now, I chose to get offline and go tend to my own needs as COVID is slowly easing the hatred it has for my body.

“Nothing happens until something moves.”- Albert Einstein

Toodles!

Oops, I did it again

I let someone in. Way in. A lot further than anyone has been in a while. When I showed him glimpses of the hard, he ran..both times. I never said I was an easy person to deal with nor have I ever said that I am neurotypical and everything in my head goes according to plan. It doesn't. Let me break it down for you all. 

CPTSD- complex post traumatic stress disorder

MDD- major depressive disorder

ADD- attention deficit disorder

GAD- generalized Anxiety disorder

Now, let's delve into PTSD just a touch. It means if you date me, when we fight I act like a racoon in a trash bag BUT I will not cuss you, disrespect you or do anything physical. I definitely won't do anything that deserves me being called a bitch. Right after he told me I was "safe" with him and I believed him. I really wish more boys would ask the men what that truly means- to be safe with someone. To be vulnerable. To be courageous and honest. That takes guts- sticking around takes guts! Running away would be the "bitch" move. I digress. 

If you know or love anyone who is suffering from a mental illness, DO SOME FUCKING RESEARCH! Ask them, be curious! Why are people so fucking selfish nowadays? Someone tells me they are neurodivergent in some way, I'm like "I want to learn everything about you and then some". I can sometimes act like a know it all, but that's because I'm reading up on whatever you are telling me you have.  Anyway...I fell in love, got my heart broken, and am still wondering what the fuck happened? 

Where is my happy ending? I guess I will have to create one by my damn self!

Toodles!

Hello, trauma! It's me, Gabi.

     Hello, my dear readers!!! I am forewarning you, this blog post won't be an easy one. It wasn't easy for me to write it and for some of you that love me, it won't be easy to read it. And whatever happens, the show must go on.. so here it goes. I hope everyone had great holidays like 4th of July, Labor day, and such. I hid in my house and prayed my heart rate evened out enough for me to be able to breathe. Even this many years later, I am still affected by some things that should have normalized after 24 years in America, but nope- the body keeps a score. Having a trauma brain is a forever prison and it just helps to decorate the walls. 

  

  I am not really sure where to begin on this topic because there are many layers to be peeled back when it comes to my traumatic experiences. Trauma does not just root in the things happened, it also roots in betrayal, neglect, being an empath and many other experiences. If you have not properly worked through your traumatic events and you are still bleeding from those cuts, you will end up bleeding on people who didn't cut you. This often means projections of pain, trust or anger issues, commitment phobia, and many others ways you could inject someone else with your bullshit. See, I sit and feel my emotions now. I try to recognize my triggers, set boundaries and breathe through an event, but sometimes that is impossible. For example, 4th of July fireworks are SO fucking pretty but it scares the shit out of my trauma brain- mostly when I can't see them. I know they are only fireworks and I know they can't hurt me, but the sound triggers me and immediately puts me in fight or flight status. Sprinkle some social anxiety onto that and I am ready to jump out of my skin.

     For me and my story, it begins before the war and a little before my parents divorce when a new man or two were introduced to mine and my sister's life. Shortly after they divorced, my mother remarried one very mean and abusive man, but also someone who held us together; who on some days woke up to make my life hell and no one can tell me otherwise. And when he did these things, it was always my fault. I internalized those things and made them my own. For the longest time, I thought something was wrong with me and that's why people loved me toxically and violently. Being told that he loved me most also stung like a thousand bees (still does, which is why I refuse to hear it). Fast forward to now, I am finally not so angry when it comes to him. He passed away in 2013 and I was there beside him on his death bed. Why? I am the bigger person; his trauma will not ruin me. It's taken me years of therapy and years of work on myself to get that way. I talk to him now- especially when I am walking my favorite trail around the cemetery. 

War had torn our country apart, and all for the sake of land, power and religion. After my mother remarried, we still weren't safe in Bosnia; her new last name only protected her. Being a refugee at 9 years old, having to sleep in a camp, trust strangers and make it safely across the border? I'd say that leaves a bit of a scar. We experienced a few years of normalcy while we lived with my father in Croatia, and I finally felt that I had a family I was longing for. I had friends, I loved my school-- I even had a boyfriend (we were 11 years old; it was serious- I was gonna marry him). I was learning how to ride a bike. Nightmares had stopped. Life was good. Until it wasn't again. My sister Manuela left for America with my mother in Nov '96 and I was supposed to come when I finished 8th grade, or so I thought. Papers came saying my mother had me and my brother booked for 9/29/1997. You can imagine the discontent but the promise of a better life loomed. We boarded the bus to Vienna while I watched the three most important men in my life cry as they were letting me go. We spent the night in NYC and then boarded another plane to Nashville. I stepped off the plane and SURPRISE- mom is 9 months pregnant!!! I was shook, but then my big little love was born a month later. 

Shit went down for many years after that--that's a whole other long story, but my intention in sharing a little piece of my life is to remind all of you to be kind to people. We all have lives that we have lived that have been affected by things that may still be affecting us. Please, be kind to people, be curious, ask questions and let's normalize talking about mental health and setting our boundaries so we don't get triggered and affected negatively. Let's normalize communication again, calling each other like it's the 90's and having solid friendships rather than 300 Instagram likes. PLEASE?! Human decency is dying and we are part of the problem. 

it's me, again

 Hello, my dear readers.. I wonder how many of you are left and still reading? Or every now and again, typing the link in or clicking on a favorite's button, just hoping that I have written something? I know I have; checked my own, that is.  I can't tell you how many times I have written a few lines, and just hoped it gave birth to more sentences by the morning. Then I'd read it and realize it just didn't have that something, so I delete it. Then I wait a few days weeks, and do it all over again. I've had a few of my old readers ask me why I am not writing anymore, as well as a few new ones. The main reason is I go to therapy and I guess all my thoughts I process in an actual journal and with my therapist. I have been trying to do that more out loud. I also can't help when I verbal diarrhea all over people sometimes. My screen comes down, and a lot of different me's come out. Sometimes at work, my hood side comes out and I think "oh shit, this is the day I get fired", but thankfully, most of the manager boys take what I spew with a grain of salt. So far, methinks. Or at least they're grown and some of them know to communicate if I've hurt their feelings.

I'm going to go crazy without work for the next 6 weeks. I am currently laid up because I've had spinal surgery. Yay, getting old for me is a blast! I am a 35 year old in a 65 year old's body, apparently. This is a mix of bad genetics, life, bad posture, a few car accidents and bad decisions sprinkled on top. Being laid up for days or weeks at a time gets you to ponder on your decisions in life, so naturally I have been going through mine with a fine toothed comb wondering "Why is this happening to me? and what could I have done differently?" I mean, it's not like I don't have any anxiety and depression anyway, but let's put ourselves in 30 stupid scenarios that have no way of happening. I don't have enough to worry about, really. Let's add silly shit to the list. *rolls eyes*

So far, being laid up and not being able to do a whole lot for myself,  I have learned to trust the process a little more rather than worry about things and try to control them. I've learned that my body will tell me when and how I need to do things, and there are consequences to it when I do not listen. So, I vow to be kinder to it and myself when I heal and during my recovery. If not, I'm afraid it's going to try to kill me harder.

I am relentless though. I couldn't have done this without my best friend; she has been with me the first week as my nurse/server and also dinner buddy. It feels weird to be on my own, but I am a good patient. I do what the doctor says. I don't push my limits when I don't need to. My family and friends are champions, constantly checking in, bringing food and making sure I am okay. Beyond blessed and grateful to be able to depend on people. 

The upside of being home, however, is being able to be with my boys every day. They are keeping me sane and entertain me with their antics. I still have a long way to go and every day, I get up for them. They lay in bed with me and cuddle when there are bad days, and they meow and throw toys at mama when it's a good day. This entire thing is a rollercoaster ride and I am taking it one day at a time. Just thankful that I am sharing it with these funny boys. 

Still swinging

Do you ever feel like no matter how many times you swing, you will always come up short? Sometimes the feeling is debilitating because it feels like no matter how hard you try, that you will always almost get it. And we all know- almost doesn't count. In every aspect, I still keep swinging. At some point, life came to a screeching halt. It was like a car going 100 mph hitting a wall. The car is in currently in the shop. I have to still keep swinging.

Just saying.
Speaking of mental health, if you see anyone struggling with life and I understand we all are, just be kind. You don't have to pull out dollar bills or immediately judge the situation. Just be kind. Ask them how they are. Even if you don't believe a word out of their mouth. Even if you're struggling yourself. Connect with a soul out there, because as you can all see, our World is slowly dying. And we are killing it. With every bad decision we all make collectively together, which is why we should all encourage each other to do better and be best, instead of knocking each other down. I stay away from social media just because of that; I do not want to see the arguing unless it's constructive or productive.

I say this, but I am a hypocrite. I still make bad decisions, and I make mistakes. I work hard and I dream and sometimes play harder. I love animals. I pay my taxes. I don't wish anything bad on anyone. I try to do right by everyone. Treat everyone like you want to be treated, right? I personally think that is not technically correct, but that's just me. I can debate why, but I'll save it for the few of you who may be interested enough to ask. So, anyway, I try. That's the point. Isn't it?

Against the wall

Hello. It's me. Dear Jesus, thank you. God, if you're listening, I'm grateful. I'm struggling, but I cannot believe how you answer my prayers. If you do not directly influence me, then thank you for sending people my way. I'm especially thankful for a few just today. It means a lot to me that you believe in me, that you think of me and that you help me in any way I need it. Guys, tho..seriously. Thanks for asking, texting, wishing, praying, paying and everything else in between. You have made me cry in joy, and God only knows I can never repay you. Thank you to theether, Anna, for your smiling face that I saw at lunch even if it was for a few minutes. Thank you to my theether from another mister, Hana, you're the real MVP. You've been my GPS, my photographer and my delivery woman all week. Thank you big sister, Manuela, for my 2nd tests and your words of encouragement throughout this week. I love you. 

That brings me to my second point. I cannot schedule these tests until way later in June it seems like which switches my plans a little LOT. It just seems like every time I try to do something in the education field, it's cursed to fail before it begins. It's frustrating. Life is frustrating. I am so frustrated I could scream. Or go for ice cream. I think I'll take a yogurt instead and plan a vacation if my dream doesn't work out this year. C'est la vie!! So hello guys, how's your Thirsty Thursday going? Is everyone still alive- y'all make it out okay?

Just wanted to make sure that this Thursday didn't end up with some victims. Much love. 

Okay-ish

So, hello 2018. It's nice to have you. You've been with us for about 3 months now, and as far as I'm concerned, you can slow down a little. Kick your feet up, stay a while. You're passing me up quickly and I have so many life decisions to make keep refusing to make. It's not fair how some years are begged to go on forever while some you pray would go at lightning speed. I'm not sure how to feel about you yet, so stick around.

Well guys, I used to update you all about my life constantly, but I am not really sure anyone reads this blog anymore. I've kept you entertained with my antics and my dark humor. I've shared my student teaching festivities as well as many posts griping about random topics that interest a handful of people. I've tried to make you laugh, make you think, make you even shed a few tears and now I'm not sure where to go with this blog from here. I'm not even sure whether to keep it. I guess this post is a cry of help from a writer who has developed a block, and not just in the writing department.


To update a little bit for the few of you who may care and don't know. I used to do the job, friends, love, family update so I might as well keep up with the blog traditions and continue. I've changed jobs. I no longer work in the trucking industry and in some ways, it's a blessing. No more unset or vague rules, no more bosses instead of leaders, no more policies that just don't benefit anyone but the ones making money. I have not always had such aversion for the transportation industry; it's more developed in this last year when the flood came. I now work in the HR Department at Lowe's. I'm still new and learning, but it's a new adventure.


I've made some new friends, as well as kept more in touch with my old ones. Since the end of 2017 and beginning of 2018, it seems like the floods came for a few of us. Keeping in touch for us doesn't just mean over social media with a few likes and heart eyes emojis on some pictures. I mean, kept in real touch..real world communication such as text messages, phone calls, video chats, visits, etc. I appreciate it all, but I definitely appreciate any of the above more when it was unexpected.


Oh love, where art thou? Bueller? Bueller?...Anyone? Oh wait. No. See, I have a theory about this. Every time I have an interest, it's with someone who is just unattainable. Whether he is physically, emotionally or mentally unattainable, it makes him not able to continue in the proceedings of being hired on as my future anything. And for some reason, God likes to play jokes on me so he magnetizes these men and make me be a part of this magnetism, so that a particular man finds me and then proceeds to waste my time. Yes, I voluntarily do this and blame no one, but I've wisened up.  I've had some laughs. Now it's time to get serious. So, love department, you ask? Closed until further notice. I had a few glimmers of hope, but then I realized...


Family. 2018 has been fun so far and is about to be even more fun. Anna is having surgery in June on her back and mom spent a week in the hospital with staph and pneumonia. Big sis is building a house; I am beyond excited for her and her family. Brother is always brother. We're all making it in some way.


Short and sweet, I used to have a lot to say; I was an open book. Lately, I prefer to be a diary. Only a few get to read and only the ones willing to pick it up for the long term read. Toodles!

Parents

Oh you chose me. For whatever reason you chose to have me. I've often wondered why God said "Those parents!" and just handed me over. Mom, I just never could be a full girl; but as I'm finding out you're not much of one either. Dad, I am the best son you've ever had; I take care of myself and you've never really had to worry about paying for my dresses, books and college. I took care of me. You both have taught me so much and I just cannot thank you enough. It hasn't been an easy road and the fact that it's still unsure is a bit disconcerting.  There are many things you've taught me; there are many things I've had to learn on my own when I wasn't ready. I grew up fast, and hard, I learned things the hard way and I've been put through hell. You've been there times to pick me up and often, it was great timing. I didn't have to ask. I never did.  My dear parents, you tried your best. Of that, I'm pretty sure. I cannot thank you enough for being there for me when I needed you the most and when I didn't think I had it in me to keep going. For some reason, I always found my way back to you; whether it was to visit Dad back home in Croatia, move in with mom or move mom in after life decides to show its ugly side.

Thoughts of Stitch- Day one

4/28/17- 6:30 am   Today, mom woke up just like a cat. In a panic attack. But, she's so happy towards me. She lets Oreo in for a few minutes. He sleeps with us, then wakes up, and slaps me to wake up. In which he wakes Mom up and ruins her moment. Sometimes, he isn't in the room that early, and she's calm but listening through mom ears for him and his moment to be hers. When he isn't let in, sometimes I'm glad. #sorrynotsorry.
Mom got up to let me go do my business and she left the door open. I climbed down the steps and stepped to visit our next door neighboor; but before I walk over there, I'll pee on Mom's tires because she's mine. It's mine. This house is mine. I walked down the street and stopped at the home two houses down. I peed on their lawn and decided to go on. Their little dog pisses me off. He always gets me in trouble with Mom and I am not about to ask the little ass his name. Next is the nice guy that keeps his lawn well taken care of. I usually like to walk around the little bushes on the walk way, but I'll try not to pee on them. Unless someone else has, then I have to; cause it's mine. This block is mine.
I finally get to the STOP sign and I know it's red, because I've heard Mom say it before and then make that "ha" face when she remembers that I can't see colors. Especially red. The only thing I can see is the gray image on a circle plate.   
So, I STOP. And won't go further because mom is now outside whistling for me. I start walking back and pee a little here and there on random pieces of grass, and get to the next door neighbor's yard and poop right in the middle of it. Mom gripes at me, so when I'm done, I traipse to the house like a guilty kid. It's Saturday today, which means I will be in the house today with my cat, while mom goes to visit her friend. All day I get to sleep and chase the cat around as well as chew on myself and lick on myself without anyone looking. Grandma came in for a little bit then left to visit Aunt Manuela and the family.
I was left a few hours until Grandma came back, and then Mom. It's so good when everyone is here. I'm always my happiest when family is here. I can only imagine if all family...could be together.. Anyway, it's like 1am, and I am sleeping so mom is finishing this for me. She knows what to say and she knows me so well. I ESP her while I sleep and she knows it subconsciously. She looks over at me and tells me I'm beautiful. My eyes are closed and I'm really still; she doesn't know I hear her.  Anyway, good night guys and gals, I am going to sleep. More on Stitch and fam later.

Oh hello, 1:30am. Mom needs a quiet vacuum. She spilled some goldfish crumbs and I'm all over it. Now I'm going to watch some Family Guy while mom medicates and goes to bed for some cuddles. Missed her all day.  zZzZ

Sisters

So, sisters? Annoying, pretentious, troublesome, fun, soulmates, embarrassing, considerate, rude, hurtful, joyous. Right? We all have different experiences. Mine are such different ones that I honestly don't know what I would do without any one. Manuela- wonderful mom, inspiration to other women, caring sister. I've known this woman my whole life, We had it rough.; we struggled and we overcame. We grew up, grew closer and realized that we can't do without each other. I couldn't do it without you. You have been my strength when I thought I didn't have any. You're the reason I crossed the ocean blue. Because that's what I would literally do; cross oceans for you. Please, don't ever change. Don't ever give up on your kids. They are us all over again and there will be rough times. Tetka is always here. I love you dearest sister. You are the light of my life. Anna- Oh little one, how I love you let me count the ways. You have been the most joyous, the most annoying, the most challenging and wonderful present. You are getting older and I don't know what to do with myself of both sadness and such pride. You go to school, you work hard when asked to and you pay your own way. You're also kind, generous, sometimes naive and sweet. I don't know why more people cannot have a heart like you. You have a love that is so huge, please don't try to stifle it. Your personality is getting bigger and I cannot express how thankful I am that you are growing up to be such a strong woman. Volim te do mjeseca i nazad. Casey- I sat and never got up. There is nothing you could have said that would keep me away. It was stronger than anything. Some people are just meant to be together in this mess we call life. You're my soulmate, my motivation, often my big sister and my Dear Abby. I depend on you to keep me level headed, down to Earth and able to assess a situation from both sides. There is a lot we have learned together from our family lives and opinions in general. You are broken in the ways that I can help and vice versa. We blend together and ESP each other. I don't think that I could ever thank you because often you have been the reason I have stayed in this world. I don't know whether to hit you or thank you, but I'm here. For better or worse. Because you're my half. I love your little family and that means Jason too; and I miss Barb. I remember often thinking why I don't get that worry from my own mother. I love you to the moon and back again infinite times, Kimmy- I will forever and always call you that. I will be the only one now in the world that can call you that. I miss you but I know you're near. I know you know I'm here and I cannot wait for the day we both are not so busy in our tornados to be able to get together. I am so grateful you have Aaron; and Constance and Cameron are my favorite kiddos to follow on Facebook. You have grown up into such an amazing young woman, then woman. And now you should be an inspiration to others. You have been through so much and I am so thankful I was a part of your best and worst days. I miss mom too. LYLAS!Tereza- Hardworking, amazing mom, terrific woman, awesome friend, compassionate human. I mean, you are so many things. You are my soul, my heart, the first friend in a new country, and the very best friend I've ever had. Our life experiences were similar and that's what grew us closer to each other. I cannot imagine my life without you. You have such a huge heart and your kids are absolutely lucky to have you. We sense each other with an ocean in between us and not many people can say that. Volim te najvise na svijetu!

I love you all. With every ounce, inch and heartbeat of my little black heart.