Grief

We live every day trying to avoid it but it catches up. Something no one can fix. Something no one can control or change. Death. When it comes, it brings violent waves of grief. 

So an old friend of mine died a couple of weeks ago and even though we hadn't been in much contact over the last few years while she was sick, the grief has hit me in waves. Waves of days okay and not okay, as well as waves of emotions like anger, envy, sadness, and large spectrums of each. It's been a wild and weird ride. I've experienced enough death for my 39 years here on Earth, and let me say that it never gets easier. Grief never gets easier. There is nothing anyone can say to comfort you. Today, I find a friend lost his dear dog. Death, no matter how big, always brings grief, and that grief is personal and it comes in spirals for all of us.

You know, historically, grief after death was often expressed publicly through mourning rituals, but in the 20th and 21st centuries, it became increasingly viewed as a private, personal experience. Something jaded inside of me says capitalism had something to do with that and someone is definitely earning off of that idea. Anywho, grief is awful and just because there is nothing anyone can say doesn't mean you have to do it alone. You shouldn't do it alone. Grief can come for different reasons- it doesn't always come with death. Losing a job, a relationship or some dream that you were chasing after can be grieved. It can also be the death of a character you once were in your life once you start your healing journey. However, humans sometimes  always suck at being comforting. We don't know what to say, we don't know how to be there or we make assumptions someone wants to be left alone. 

I didn't grow up in a very comforting family, and when I did have something to grieve I did it alone to which I promised myself I wouldn't ever do that to someone else. If you have had a loss, know that if you call or text me those news, I won't leave you alone for a few weeks. I mean, I will if you really want me to, but I'll be in the shadows, lurking for when you need a hug or a good cry. Being alone sucks anyway and then you add a life situation and it's even harder. We weren't meant to be doing life alone- I will die on this hill! I don't mean you have to settle and partner up, but know that this life is meant to be lived with friends, family, soul tribe, etc. We are on this Earth for connections!!!

All this to say, if you know of someone who is dealing with grief, ask them what they need. If you have an anxious friend or the loss is fresh and they're still in shock, show up! Bring dinner. Watch a movie. Have a cry sesh. Have a smoke sesh and then a cry sesh. Let them tell you memories of their person. Show you pictures of their dog and reminisce. Give them long hugs! Give them permission to just need your presence in the room while they cry and do dishes. The ideas are endless! 

Grief is fucking awful, weird, exhausting and difficult. And we should never do things that feel like that, ALONE!

Spirituality 2.0

The other day I went on an adventure outside in my back yard. I sat down on the grass and smelled the ocean during meditation and it brought me back home when everyone was still Earthly present. Back home when I felt like a kid and had a supportive family and great friends. It brought me back to moments of my grandmother's knitting, my grandfather's piddling in the garage, my uncle's lessons on handwriting and my aunt's great cooking! It carried me through each memory and gently let me remember, but also showing me the harsh reality of forgetting what their voices sounded like. How I wish things were different, but absolutely being grateful they were mine.

The adventure left me sobbing for the grief that I've let myself feel again, this many years later. Baka (grandma) died in 2002, Eko (my nickname for my uncle) in 2008, Deda (grandpa) in 2010 and Strina (aunt) in 2020. It's been a painful road and each passing felt unreal because I have not been to any of the funerals. The interesting thing was that grief for each person felt new, as if I was feeling it for the first time. It's strange what kind of process grief has, because in my experience, you never truly get over anything. You just transmute it to mean something different, to hurt a little differently but not project onto others. 

Life is hard, y'all and whatever you have been through in life has brought you here. You haven't been through what you have been through to just get here though. There's more to see, more to travel, more joy to discover and more love to give. Because, isn't that the whole point? I know you must be thinking what woo woo shit is this now, since self-care is a commercialized retreat instead of a given right, but hear me out. Life is meant to be lived in community, with others who love and care for you as you do for them. For the path of communication, creativity and life force to flow both ways. And in community is when you heal!

You are not supposed to have it all figured out- no one does. You are not supposed to do it alone- many of us have at least one person, place or thing. You are not supposed to know everything- which means you share knowledge and find people who are capable of the things you seek. Same as they do- which inherently means there is something in YOU that is needed by someone else. That's that magic woo woo shit some of us are talking about.  It's the medicine and wisdom that you have inside you if only you were quiet enough to listen, and still enough to hear. 

Toodles! I'm going to go thank a tree for letting me breathe another day.

Hello, trauma! It's me, Gabi.

     Hello, my dear readers!!! I am forewarning you, this blog post won't be an easy one. It wasn't easy for me to write it and for some of you that love me, it won't be easy to read it. And whatever happens, the show must go on.. so here it goes. I hope everyone had great holidays like 4th of July, Labor day, and such. I hid in my house and prayed my heart rate evened out enough for me to be able to breathe. Even this many years later, I am still affected by some things that should have normalized after 24 years in America, but nope- the body keeps a score. Having a trauma brain is a forever prison and it just helps to decorate the walls. 

  

  I am not really sure where to begin on this topic because there are many layers to be peeled back when it comes to my traumatic experiences. Trauma does not just root in the things happened, it also roots in betrayal, neglect, being an empath and many other experiences. If you have not properly worked through your traumatic events and you are still bleeding from those cuts, you will end up bleeding on people who didn't cut you. This often means projections of pain, trust or anger issues, commitment phobia, and many others ways you could inject someone else with your bullshit. See, I sit and feel my emotions now. I try to recognize my triggers, set boundaries and breathe through an event, but sometimes that is impossible. For example, 4th of July fireworks are SO fucking pretty but it scares the shit out of my trauma brain- mostly when I can't see them. I know they are only fireworks and I know they can't hurt me, but the sound triggers me and immediately puts me in fight or flight status. Sprinkle some social anxiety onto that and I am ready to jump out of my skin.

     For me and my story, it begins before the war and a little before my parents divorce when a new man or two were introduced to mine and my sister's life. Shortly after they divorced, my mother remarried one very mean and abusive man, but also someone who held us together; who on some days woke up to make my life hell and no one can tell me otherwise. And when he did these things, it was always my fault. I internalized those things and made them my own. For the longest time, I thought something was wrong with me and that's why people loved me toxically and violently. Being told that he loved me most also stung like a thousand bees (still does, which is why I refuse to hear it). Fast forward to now, I am finally not so angry when it comes to him. He passed away in 2013 and I was there beside him on his death bed. Why? I am the bigger person; his trauma will not ruin me. It's taken me years of therapy and years of work on myself to get that way. I talk to him now- especially when I am walking my favorite trail around the cemetery. 

War had torn our country apart, and all for the sake of land, power and religion. After my mother remarried, we still weren't safe in Bosnia; her new last name only protected her. Being a refugee at 9 years old, having to sleep in a camp, trust strangers and make it safely across the border? I'd say that leaves a bit of a scar. We experienced a few years of normalcy while we lived with my father in Croatia, and I finally felt that I had a family I was longing for. I had friends, I loved my school-- I even had a boyfriend (we were 11 years old; it was serious- I was gonna marry him). I was learning how to ride a bike. Nightmares had stopped. Life was good. Until it wasn't again. My sister Manuela left for America with my mother in Nov '96 and I was supposed to come when I finished 8th grade, or so I thought. Papers came saying my mother had me and my brother booked for 9/29/1997. You can imagine the discontent but the promise of a better life loomed. We boarded the bus to Vienna while I watched the three most important men in my life cry as they were letting me go. We spent the night in NYC and then boarded another plane to Nashville. I stepped off the plane and SURPRISE- mom is 9 months pregnant!!! I was shook, but then my big little love was born a month later. 

Shit went down for many years after that--that's a whole other long story, but my intention in sharing a little piece of my life is to remind all of you to be kind to people. We all have lives that we have lived that have been affected by things that may still be affecting us. Please, be kind to people, be curious, ask questions and let's normalize talking about mental health and setting our boundaries so we don't get triggered and affected negatively. Let's normalize communication again, calling each other like it's the 90's and having solid friendships rather than 300 Instagram likes. PLEASE?! Human decency is dying and we are part of the problem. 

How are you, really?

Hello, my dear bloggers!!!

How are you all? How are you managing in this crazy world of ours? 2020 has been shit. I mean the pandemic has really made a huge impact on the entire world, overseas and here. I worry about both, because I have family in both. I hope everyone is staying safe, wearing masks and staying a 6 ft. distance from others. As an empath, I completely feel how this has impacted most of you. On top of that, most of us deal with daily bull in our lives anyway whether it's work, family or personally related. And if this isn't the cherry on top of it all, some of us deal with mental health issues that make life that much harder to swim through. We must keep swimming, tho!

Now, there's that one thing that no one wants to talk about...Mental health! We actually would have to sit in our feelings and talk about them then. Haha! Well, starts with me first! 

Today was rough for me. I'm a big girl and I admit my things. All my things, cause how are you otherwise able to grow from them? In my conversations with family, I've found out a lot of things over the course of a few weeks regarding health, financial stress overseas, work stress and personal issues. It's rough anyway plus sprinkle 2020 all over it. I have to take deep breaths and I have to ground myself most of the time to only focus on things I can control and that are in my power to change. But I feel....All of the things. So when I ask people how they are, I truly mean how are you..to your core?

Thankfully, 4th of July has passed and for me that brings back a lot of bad. This year it affected me differently, and even though I was spending it with friends, it wasn't going the way I needed it to. This 2020 anxiety is a lot different. It's a surprise every time my PTSD wants to wake up. Most of the time I can control and figure out how to human again, but sometimes it takes me on a different adventure. This year, thank God, I breathed through every firework unseen like a champ, although my heart was pounding out of my chest. I like that my neighborhood obeyed the 11pm rule, and did not go past that, but there were some in the distance that I still heard well into the am hours. I know this is a time to celebrate for most of my American brothers and sisters, but damn man. For us war refugees..for us with PTSD, you're killing us once a year. Not just once a year, but several days before and after your one day of celebration. It's rough! 

*Steps down off my little soapbox*

So, how are you, really? 

Because I don't know what to say lately

What we are meant to be will be

Who did you dream of being as a child? An astronaut exploring space, a nurse wanting to save lives or a teacher who helps students get off the street? What was your ultimate success story while you were an innocent human not knowing what troubles lie ahead?
I wanted to be a lawyer. Actually, no, let me rephrase that. My parents thought I could argue with anyone over anything. They thought I should be a successful lawyer forever arguing my life away. And, so as an 11 year old little girl in a foreign classroom, on career day I decided to look up the curriculum for a lawyer. I saw 6 years of school and thought "I barely know English. There is no way in hell!" Little did I know that I would grow up to love school and imagine myself as a lifetime learner. Now, if I could only get the government to grant me a career as a lifetime student. I mean, they let anyone be president nowadays. For agent orange's fan club, just *insert snarky comment and get off my blog*..for everyone else - "thank you and keep reading".
So, as I grew up I wanted to be a counselor. My 6th grade counselor Ms. E helped me so much that I would like to donate my time and sanity to some children and advise them about life. I mean all we need in life is some TLC and some time with our loved ones. When we grow up, we add people in our lives for short or long periods. It is up to us and them how long they stay and often, they leave us with a companion for life or just a lesson for future experiences.
I went to college and finished for Elementary Education. I had to first teach in the state of KY as an intern and I panicked. I also had a witch for a mentor teacher and she made my life a living hell. She was also very mean to the children, including her own, but no names shall be mentioned. So, I had to teach with a mentor Satan observing me and I panicked. I signed up for graduate school now and am still searching for myself. 
So, as I often ask of you, my dear readers, is usually to share something about your life. No worries. You won't be public. Your answers will help me fuel more people to talk and stop using Facebook as their counseling service. I would like to know what you wanted to be in life? Whether a mom, a sailor, or a truck driver. If you ended up being anything else, I would like to know that as well. I would even go as far as asking what your hobbies are or what you're good at? We often do not run in the directions to make our hobbies our careers, but if you have, I wanna KNOOOOOW!

What we are meant to be is written in the stars and planned just for us? So that would make us puppets and regardless what choices we make, they are leading us to something regardless of what we want or what path we take? If you're Christian, you believe we are made in God's image and that we have free will. So does that mean God had depression and anxiety? That makes sense why he rested on the 7th day.

If you would like to share your religious beliefs as well, we can make that next post topic. I prefer you being honest and respectful.

Ok! The End.

On female sexuality.

Sexuality- noun

- capacity for sexual feelings

- a person's sexual preference

- sexual activity

In today's age when we count everyone's good times and judge every person's notches, how much sexuality is good sexuality? How much fun time can we have before someone calls us a whore or call a man a womanizer? And the misuse of the word "whore" just pisses me off. Don't call me that; I'm not getting paid for it. Do you really think I would be on the struggle bus if that was the case? Bish, please.
We live in a world where sexuality is measured by how many partners we have, to how often we want it. So, how many people have you slept with? What is your body count? Ew. We get asked that in relationships, by our doctors, by our friends and sometimes even by family. That's too creepy.  In relationships, why does that even matter? In case you're wondering about my health, it's fine thank you, but why the fuck do you have the need to know how many people I have slept with? I'm not sure how anyone else feels about this but to me it's just one of those things to laugh off and never talk about. If you're really comfortable with the person and you don't think they will judge you or not believe you if it's low or high, go ahead. If you're really SURE. I mean if you are really, really relationship sure; this little tidbit can ruin your situation. And it's not soap- I didn't get used up. In fact, I learned tricks!

When the doctor asks you, then it's just uncomfortable. You have to remember how many partners you have, so you sit in the doctor's office imagining the face to those 4, 24, 36 or 78 guys you have slept with. Not only are you trying to put a name to a face and face to a name, now the memories flood and you sit there with A- a stupid grin or smile on your face or B- utmost disgust because of some of those memories. You then look up at the individual who is now TOTALLY judging you for the number you said. So when this happens to me, and it does every new relationship, it pisses me off. Not only do I have to relive my great, good, bad and ugly decisions, but I have to take shit from some nurse who didn't have enough balls to become a doctor or a nurse practitioner? HELL NO.

Friends will ask you and if they are anything like mine, they know it all and well, I mean ALL. Yours won't judge you unless they are that way anyway, and I'm pretty sure at this point in your friendship you know how they are. Mine are amazing. I can talk about anything with them and offer pictures. Of the guy! Not of that! Now I know my blog is R rated, but I don't go that far. :)

These are the days of our lives

Happy SaturYAY readers!  There is not a day more glorious than Saturday.  I tanned a little and played by the pool with my sister and her friends. It was so funny to hear 20 something year olds talk about life while you, the big sister drink in hand is contemplating how much damage your skin would get if you fell asleep drinking? I watched my all time favorite show all day, worked a little, designed a little and now I'm writing a little. I am interested in your stories as well as your questions if you have anything to ask in ways of advice, business ideas or if you just want to talk about your hobbies or ways you volunteer or give to others. I am doing a little project and would like to see who really reads this blog and what can I do for however many of you that there is. There is a tiny little spot in my black little heart that tells me to care. And I do and have. I want to help. Words are all that can give now and I read really well. Your identity will never be published, unless you want to be famous in my tiny little blogosphere. Think of my blog as a column in some wild non-existing newspaper that talks about our real life issues in real life actually by a real live person. This is just a personal project of my own. Consider it as if your little big life is my one great adventure.  Also, my dear readers, just because I am interested in you doesn't mean I won't write a little about myself in between on days when I feel like the Cat Woman I am. :) P.S. Your dearest is buying a house and is opening a little side gig. With help of many friends for editing, logo, investments, and free labor. Cause who doesn't love to work with their friends over some mimosas, pool and trees?   

Last word

I grew up a kid of divorced parents and I was also a middle child, so I was fucked hardcore from beginning. I have many issues and none of them I fear. They're a part of me and every characteristic rolled up into this is me. I fear failure, I fear a lot of things in life, but I will never fear who I am. That's the only thing I have left in this world. My integrity. My self-righteousness and my word. I don't promise I'm an angel. I have fallen many times. I have clipped my wings once this little girl grew up and started living in our jacked up world. I don't promise to be a good sister, a good daughter or even a good friend. But one thing I do promise is that I will always tell it how it is. The truth, whole truth and nothing but the truth. I would rather hurt your feelings once with the truth, than hurt your feelings every time you remember the lie.
Few people know me as me and they take me as I am. I have mostly guy friends because frankly, girls talk shit. Girls remind me of my own weaknesses and guys are just easier with emotions than we are. I learn a lot from people I am around and I chose to surround myself with people who remind me how the world is and how the hell to deal with it all. I choose to surround myself with people who are honest; I sometimes fail. I fail to see the person for their true colors and I am often surprised when I feel the cold steel in my back. 
Many people don't know me at all. Usually, I try. I try to make you see me. I try to bring you into the world of Gabi, but often I make mistakes because I am human and sometimes, people judge me for the little stupid shit that happens. Chances are, my mistakes are twisted and turned into something ugly for the world to talk about it. If you never let me fix it, you never gave me a chance.
Here is a little, small, minute insight on me. I will never lie to you. If I fuck up, I will royally fuck up and stand by my mistakes. If I tell you you look fat in those jeans, you really do. If I tell you you're beautiful, I mean it with my whole heart. If I give you advice, it means I care enough about you to want you to do better. If I trust you, it means you've worked hard enough to jump over my walls and get in. I will never lie to protect your feelings because that lie will turn into many more I have to tell you to make sure you're okay and frankly, I am way too lazy to try to remember what I said to you yesterday to make sure it matches what I tell you today. My short term memory sucks anyway and I don't care to think too much. If I tell you I'm your friend, it means I will stand by you no matter what. If I tell you I love you, it means you're carrying my heart. Don't break it.

Hump Day Confessions

So I decided to just do the damn thing and do the actual blog post that was meant for hump day. Confessions or something like that. Okay, I totally confess I drink a lot and don't even care about my liver function. With drinking come new friends, old friends, sex friends, best friends, great conversations, funny experiences, jokes, bad decisions and good memories. My bartender said she put me on the liver donor list, so I'm totally good for two lifetimes. Bless her sweet soul. Don't stop the party!

...running around yesterday made me realize I need to go back to gym. My body enjoys me working out although my mind really wants to watch Netflix. I feel the sexiest when I am in the gym and I do like the way I feel leaving after a good workout.

...either that, or I need to fatten and lazy up my friends and family so they quit making me do shit. 

...I think I am somewhat allergic to bullshit. It's really refreshing to hang out with people who say exactly what is on their minds. Recently, I have been eliminating the negativity in my life and this includes anyone who causes any kind of drama...and by drama, I don't mean like normal crap that life throws our way. I mean the legit "he said she said" high school bullshit or racist, inconsiderate shit talking drama.

Tell 'em, Sweet Brown!

...and remember, tomorrow is Thirsty Thursday! Stay thirsty, my friends!

Happy Hump Day Y'all!!!

What is love?

Cue in head-nodding to go with the movie reference below. For those of you who don't know what movie this is, just click the X in the top right hand corner because you probably are too young to be here.

Alright, onto the rant. I could possibly start with the bible quote of 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 "Love is patient, love is kind bla bla bla" but we all know that the shit doesn't work that way anymore. When the Bible was written there was no Facebook, no Twitter, no other parties in the relationship, no baggage, no middle child syndrome, no cell phones and no other modern diagnoses and gadgets that generally fuck up our simple way of life. So, when you get asked "what is love", how do you answer? Do you base it on how the person makes you feel or what kind of person they are? Are you focused on talking about one person in general, or do you speak of love as a thing?

This is where I am going with this...

Many people have many definitions of what love is; no one is wrong. Maybe you think love is someone who showers you with materialistic stuff. Maybe you think love is telling the truth always and being each other's friends. Maybe you think love is sex or any kind of physical response. No one can define love because it exists in each of us differently. We show it differently, we see it differently, we respond to it differently so when we meet someone who shares our values and definition we "fall in love."

I mean, this is the way it's supposed to happen. Right? Boy meets Girl. Boy and Girl are compatible. Boy and Girl fall in love. Boy and Girl live happily ever after. 

Simple, right?! 

Sure..in a perfect world where we all are one color, one religion, one opinion, one nationality, one mindset. Too bad that world doesn't exist and love is not simple. It never really was; people were just more ashamed, hid things well and/or had less options.

In my general expertise of love (aka my experiences dating), love is very hard to come by. If you put two people who see love differently together, they will always be on different steps of that relationship ladder and as we all know, our generation is really good at buying new things instead of fixing the old. This applies to both people and animals, or generally any living, breathing things around us. We are ruiners, not builders. The relationships that once were two people are now 13 people, a Facebook page, a Twitter account and extra phone numbers laying around in cell phones. We're all guilty of it, myself included.

One thing I vouch: From today, I will fix it..well at least starting with myself. I will work on it. I will trust more, love more, hope more, live more, talk more and less where applies, listen more, help more, offer more, kiss more, hug more. I will not let outside influences hinder my heart. 

I will not run away. No more running away.