Monsters

One of my favorite old pastimes was watching psychological thrillers, serial killers documentaries and local hauntings. Teaching small children, I have been slowly integrating psychology into my every day life and theirs. Watching them grow from tiny, angry psychopaths into beautiful, regulated children is an amazing reward of my job. When I was at WKU, I studied child psychology many times in different classes and it really just taught me more about myself. It's interesting when you focus outward, sometime you also tend to heal your inward. However, when we focus on the good, we mustn't forget the bad, the evil, the subhuman.

I've been delving into the Monster series on Netflix. It started with Dahmer a few months back; I've watched the Ed Gein story and currently watching the Lyle and Erik Menendez story. It's wild to see that monsters are not always born, that they can be created by neglect, abuse, war or a mix of all of the above. They are created by a series of unfortunate, traumatic events that can be chronic. At times, it's one thing that is the catapult to murder, but then sometimes it's continuous, ominous happenings that change your DNA and make you into someone bad, someone who uses their magic for evil.

We all have magic. We can use it for good or for evil. Money can be used for good or evil, so can weapons, and so can words. We create our reality, our lives and we put our boundaries up to feel safe. We use magic every day- whether we are manipulating an outcome or whether we are using intentional kindness and radical honesty is up to us. So if we are magic, we are medicine, we are intuitive, we are pure animals and we are still children. So I ask today, are you using your magic for good...or for evil? Are you intentionally lying and deceiving yourself, your partner, your people.. or are you using your words to create, to learn, to grow? Are you leaning more towards the psychosis of your life or the magic that you have within you that is weird, strange and wonderful?

How much of society are you making into the standard human response? Are you listening to yourself and making your kinks feel subhuman? Are you depending on social norms to tell you who you are and what you like? I, myself, am not a huge fan of the word "social norms" because who is to say what's normal? Normal is a setting on a dryer, not a human being. There are things that we all do like bleed, sexual desires and triggers and have flesh and meat suits but we are inherently all same, but different. How much of our differences really truly matter? I am full of questions lately as I am stepping into new territory by stepping into my feminine. It's awkward, it feels unsafe, I feel strange, loud and obnoxious all while I feel peaceful and like I am coming home. Weird. It's all strange. The Cheshire Cat said it best.

To date or not to date?

I am stepping out of my 3's into my 4's this year. I turn the big FOUR OH in November. It's been a big year- I have been so focused on releasing all that doesn't serve the woman I am growing into. 2025 has been a really hard year so far. I've mourned a 1 year death anniversary of a close friend, another old friend's cancer battle ending, my grandmother and Niko passing, as well as some health issues and a love life that keeps attracting unhealthy relationship patterns. The year has not been kind, but the strangest thing has happened. I've been able to face it all head on and stay standing. I am convinced that the last three years of hell with losing partners, jobs, friendships, family matters and health concerns prepared me for the moment where I lost my biggest cheerleader and didn't fall apart completely. It's really been life affirming for me that I am divinely protected. The last three years of handling life without a partner, has put me in a position to think hard about my future and where I would like to see myself in a year or five.

As a woman, when you consider your future there are many paths to think about. Do you want to be a mother and how much time is left for that? Would you like to get married? Would it matter if they have been married and had kids already? Do you want someone with small kids, grown kids or without any at all? Would you be okay partnered up and never married because at this point in your age range, people are working on their first, maybe even second divorce? Once you ask all of your questions and further examine where you are on those paths, then you can figure out what you want. It takes time, courage, passion and desire in order to experience life fully and learn about your human experience. It's been many years since I had the desire and now that I do, I am not sure where to start. I am open about wanting to spend life with a partner and I have been for a few years. I have experienced the fast life, the depressed life, the angry life and now all I want is a soft life with a safe person for me.

I don't shy away from vulnerabilities anymore. I don't mind being open to life anymore, radically honest, courageous, willing to compromise, and also willing to get my heart broken. As George Adair said "everything you want is on the other side of fear." Essentially, you are dating to either marry/partner up or dating to break up. I don't like starting something "to see where it goes". Having intention is important to me when it comes to dating. It's a choice. You are choosing that person each hour, each day, each week, month, year, decade. I want someone to choose me, even when I make it hard to. I want to be someone's only choice, not an option until the next one comes along or until the last one comes back. That is really hard to find in the "talking culture" nowadays. I'm either dating or not, coupling up or not, planning or not, all in or nothing at all. I don't want crumbs- I'm not settling for a slice- I want the whole damn pie.

I was told recently that this smells like desperation. I had to ponder on that statement to see if that's what this was. I decided it wasn't desperation, but a broken pattern of hoping some man chooses me yet again instead of releasing that story. It's time to find and let someone love me that actually wants to love me, build with me, share a life with me. Let me assure you if I was desperate, I would take any of the many men that would like my attention and love. Just because I don't have a main hitter doesn't mean I don't have a line-up.

Toodles!

Muse

Who, where or what is your muse? 

Is it your partner, or maybe your child? Is it a parent or a sibling? Every time you think about them or spend time with them, it opens you up creatively! Is it your cat or your dog? You sit on the ground brushing them, or take them on a walk and an idea strikes? And if it isn't a person or a thing, is there a specific spot where you go that just fuels your insides and ignites the fire? Maybe you'd get in your car, and go to that spot on the lake, sit on your favorite rock and just ponder the meaning of life, while great ideas just pour out of you? Or are you one of those people that need to go through some shit in order for your muse to appear so technically it isn't a person, place or thing and it's just a situation. Maybe it's the act of having sex. Let's be real- chemically, there is a whole lot happening in your body as you are having sex or having an orgasm so why wouldn't that be a good time to jolt some genius thought?

Recently, I was discussing being inspired to write lately and thanks to a few places, things and people, I have been writing the last couple of months more and more. I even put a little notebook in my purse so when I hear someone say something yummy, interesting or hell, even jolting, I would like to be able to keep up with it so I can ponder later on the subject. Who you surround yourself with matters, and I've been really picky lately about who I let in. I mean that whole-heartedly. I am careful about my energy, selective even. I choose people who choose me. I love people who love me. I see people who see me. I don't let anyone in my house, head or bed just willy nilly anymore. My peace is important and the world feels like it's about to spontaneously combust.

Muses have been portrayed usually by women, the feminine and only single apparition. Your muse(s) could be multiples of people, things, places and situations. For example, absolutely every time I have lunch with a friend of mine, she inspires me to become a Goddess who wants to be groveled for. She inspires me to step into my feminine wiles and she encourages my sexcapades a thousand percent! It's not one thing she says or does, it's the pure essence of her energy mingling with mine and the topics we discuss. I have another close friend, that when we spend the day together she makes me want to heal the world. Seriously. She makes me feel like I have the power to heal myself and the ENTIRE world. Can you imagine a friend's presence making you feel like that? 

Anyway, think about it. I'd love to hear about some of your muses. We don't have to name people, places, things or situations unless we want to. This is just for fun! Are you aware that you even have a muse? If not, I suggest you do some soul searching and find your person, place or thing- it's incredible! 

Chronic baddies

Have you ever seen one of those signs that asks you how do you feel physically on a sliding scale 1-10 with 1 being mild pain and 10 being severe?- I would add 10 being even excruciating. Here is a breakdown of the scale- 1-3 mild pain, 4-6 moderate pain, and 7-10 being severe. Leaves much room for questioning, methinks.

I have not been at level 0 since I was in my teens. That's my truth. I have been at levels 3-8 the last 4 months. Call it getting older, call it degenerative disc disease, arthritis, stress, call it whatever makes you sleep better at night but for me it feels like "today, I am able to live or not live." At pain levels 8, people are shut down in a hospital while all I am getting is doctors telling me I'm overweight and to move. I AM MOVING- I am a fucking yoga teacher! It feels like pins and needles in my back when I walk, and it feels an elephant is sitting on my hips when I sit down, but oh when I lay? It feels wonderful, for a whole 5 minutes and then I sink in and start throbbing. It's great. Every day. 

A yoga sister of mine and I were chatting about pain sucking the life out of you and how wonderful it is to have people who you can vent to and talk to about important things such as trauma, physical, mental or spiritual! One of the many things we talked about, we were discussing how people ask questions as if the person they're asking hasn't thought of every question, solution, problem and googled naturalist medicine on how to solve it. I do appreciate people asking, but the questions get tiring. We are wasting time questioning things and not moving into action- sooner! If you know someone who is in pain, chronic, severe, excruciating pain and they are functioning?- Ask how you can help! We are handling the entire world that you are as well, but we are also physically worn out, burned out, torn down. Be kind. Offer help. Care. Hug them- it's been PROVEN to lessen pain!

Health care system as a whole is not equipped to TAKE CARE of people. It is set up as a business to keep people unhealthy- unless you do your research as well. You have to participate in your own life- get out of your own way! Our physical self is only one part of us but it's a big part in this energy field we call Earth! The medical business industry in the US is based on patching bullet wounds with Band-Aids, and that's been my experience since the very first doctor and the very first big ache! There is not a doctor that looks at you holistically to heal all parts of you- physical, mental, spiritual. So then you have to venture out and start your own research. Get into the western medicine in different states, and then turn to your woo woo friend and ask what they can do. Do whatever you need to in order to feel better because your life depends on it. So does a few people's.

Being without employment, there is a lot of work to do in order to keep my mind and body on some sort of schedule even though I just want to curl up and watch TV. I try to get out of the house once a day. Right now the only thing that keeps lessening my pain is movement- any activity to warm up my muscles and joints, plant medicine, somatic therapy, dancing, eating foods that make my body feel good and being around the people that keep my body/mind/soul safe. Also crying!!- I cry a lot lately!

Toodles!

Spirituality 2.0

The other day I went on an adventure outside in my back yard. I sat down on the grass and smelled the ocean during meditation and it brought me back home when everyone was still Earthly present. Back home when I felt like a kid and had a supportive family and great friends. It brought me back to moments of my grandmother's knitting, my grandfather's piddling in the garage, my uncle's lessons on handwriting and my aunt's great cooking! It carried me through each memory and gently let me remember, but also showing me the harsh reality of forgetting what their voices sounded like. How I wish things were different, but absolutely being grateful they were mine.

The adventure left me sobbing for the grief that I've let myself feel again, this many years later. Baka (grandma) died in 2002, Eko (my nickname for my uncle) in 2008, Deda (grandpa) in 2010 and Strina (aunt) in 2020. It's been a painful road and each passing felt unreal because I have not been to any of the funerals. The interesting thing was that grief for each person felt new, as if I was feeling it for the first time. It's strange what kind of process grief has, because in my experience, you never truly get over anything. You just transmute it to mean something different, to hurt a little differently but not project onto others. 

Life is hard, y'all and whatever you have been through in life has brought you here. You haven't been through what you have been through to just get here though. There's more to see, more to travel, more joy to discover and more love to give. Because, isn't that the whole point? I know you must be thinking what woo woo shit is this now, since self-care is a commercialized retreat instead of a given right, but hear me out. Life is meant to be lived in community, with others who love and care for you as you do for them. For the path of communication, creativity and life force to flow both ways. And in community is when you heal!

You are not supposed to have it all figured out- no one does. You are not supposed to do it alone- many of us have at least one person, place or thing. You are not supposed to know everything- which means you share knowledge and find people who are capable of the things you seek. Same as they do- which inherently means there is something in YOU that is needed by someone else. That's that magic woo woo shit some of us are talking about.  It's the medicine and wisdom that you have inside you if only you were quiet enough to listen, and still enough to hear. 

Toodles! I'm going to go thank a tree for letting me breathe another day.

Shrimp Bowl

What a game! What a game! I mean, I watched all of it and was rooting them on! I was also drinking heavily, eating SO much food and having a great time with my girls and boys at the Shrimp Bowl! I was dragging this morning, but it was worth it! The queen RiRi had DONE THE DAMN thing! And I ate my weight in shrimp, crab legs, potatoes, sausage and corn in some magic!

Work has been great. I am proud to say all three of my stores are staffed so I could focus on training!! That in itself is a blessing because then I can do a lot more to implement change. And have more time to take time off so I can travel, work on myself and do some more training as well!

You know how we do, my dear fans. The 5 of you that read this blog know l like to update life, work and love but my love life is on half pause, cause I have been super focused on healing from someone who wasn’t ready for me. But, I am keeping an open mind and open heart. I know it’s coming and I am excited!

Anyway, toodles! I’m killing this Mario game on the Nintendo switch!

Anonymous

You know, there was a time when we didn’t hide behind little screens and anonymous comments. There was a time when we had courage to talk our differences out instead of running. There was even a time when people actually had conversations face to face. We don’t seem to live in that time anymore. We have become keyboard warriors, micro aggressors, passive aggressive douchenozzles who haven’t leaned into vulnerability in decades! Now, I understand the world changes and some of the technology making our lives easier is doing exactly that, but weren’t we taught that everything that comes easy isn’t worth having? That’s because we weren’t supposed to be using technology so much that we forget our humanity. We forgot what it was like waiting for something to happen and having the patience to watch it unfold. We forgot what it felt like to have to apologize to someone and having the guts to look them in the face to admit you're wrong, not sending some text saying "Sorry" it took you one second to even think about. 

Instead, we comment anonymously on someone's blog without having the guts to face them, or we accumulate the dislikes, disappointments and then lash them out online. Maybe we collect them inwardly and turn on ourselves. Either way, we have been avoiding the real problems and staying silent. We forgot humanity, above all else and we turned on each other with such a hatred rather than doing what every single religion preaches which is LOVE. Have love for yourself, for your fellow humans- not just the ones you kind of like. Have enough courage to bring up the hard subjects and stay objective discussing them. Have enough vulnerability to recognize your first world fucking problems, entitlement and the privilege that you have. 

I chose to lean into curiosity instead and find out the why. I chose to find people interesting and step out of my comfort zone each day in some way to get to know other humans as they are, not as I want them to be. I chose to be among people and all of their dirty laundry, not shy away from society because there's movements we are uncomfortable with. And now, I chose to get offline and go tend to my own needs as COVID is slowly easing the hatred it has for my body.

“Nothing happens until something moves.”- Albert Einstein

Toodles!

Oops, I did it again

I let someone in. Way in. A lot further than anyone has been in a while. When I showed him glimpses of the hard, he ran..both times. I never said I was an easy person to deal with nor have I ever said that I am neurotypical and everything in my head goes according to plan. It doesn't. Let me break it down for you all. 

CPTSD- complex post traumatic stress disorder

MDD- major depressive disorder

ADD- attention deficit disorder

GAD- generalized Anxiety disorder

Now, let's delve into PTSD just a touch. It means if you date me, when we fight I act like a racoon in a trash bag BUT I will not cuss you, disrespect you or do anything physical. I definitely won't do anything that deserves me being called a bitch. Right after he told me I was "safe" with him and I believed him. I really wish more boys would ask the men what that truly means- to be safe with someone. To be vulnerable. To be courageous and honest. That takes guts- sticking around takes guts! Running away would be the "bitch" move. I digress. 

If you know or love anyone who is suffering from a mental illness, DO SOME FUCKING RESEARCH! Ask them, be curious! Why are people so fucking selfish nowadays? Someone tells me they are neurodivergent in some way, I'm like "I want to learn everything about you and then some". I can sometimes act like a know it all, but that's because I'm reading up on whatever you are telling me you have.  Anyway...I fell in love, got my heart broken, and am still wondering what the fuck happened? 

Where is my happy ending? I guess I will have to create one by my damn self!

Toodles!

Old-fashioned

Hello, my dear readers! I always begin my posts by greeting you fuckers and no one ever says "hello" back. How rude! 😆

I started writing this post on 10/24/21 and then never finished it or posted it because it seemed the more I thought about dating, the worse the actual dating reality got. People are afraid to be vulnerable, they want easy and no one is willing to put work in anything that looks different from their reality. I want to offer an ending now to this post.

10/2021- So, after I got back home from the gym, I immediately jumped in the shower and started to process the day. As always, I do my best thinking in the shower. I have recently acknowledged that I would like to find my life partner and have gone on several dates- today's thought process has been mostly about it. Also, it's been a blast getting over feelings for the last guy I tried to date. Emotionally unavailable douchebags who lie and cheat seem to leave a mark more so than people who actually treat you right.

So, my thinking in the shower was mainly on me being old-fashioned and wondering if anyone else felt like I do. When it comes to dating, I am a geriatric millennial. I still make phone calls, I refuse to use a lot of social media and I prefer to know where I stand when I am seeing someone. I would like none of this "talking or hanging out" nonsense. That is just messy and asking for someone's feelings to be hurt. If you don't set clear boundaries, how the hell are you supposed to know what's going on? Now, I am not saying you have to immediately jump into marriage, but why not make your intentions clear? If you'd like to just be friends with benefits, tell me. I would like to be able to make an informed decision whether I want to fuck you part time. Mine is not a community vagina; I don't want to sleep with other people through you and to be obvious, you are putting someone's  a few people's health in jeopardy (whether sex is safe or not)."

And scene! Yes, I have had situationships- you know, the one or two month dating spiels where the guy lies to you and talks to other girls. Or gets too emotionally attached and runs from anything hard. No one likes to be "tugged by their nose" as my countrymen like to say (it's a bosnian saying and the translation is much better). No 

Toodles! I hope everyone has a great weekend!!!

Blog Day 3- A book you love

Hello Day 3!

Well, how did you know I was a reader, Day 3?

I'm glad you ask because I LOVE TO READ! The topic is "A book you love" and I love all of them, so it's hard to pick just one. There are a few books that come to mind when the topic comes up though and they are:

- Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom...I was in the 9th or 10th grade (can't remember-I've killed a few  lot of brain cells since then) and I remember getting this book assigned to us as a class project. We were supposed to read a few chapters a day, and then do a worksheet answering certain questions or summarizing what we read; you know the drill. All I remember is I picked up this book and didn't set it down. It just captured my attention and made me cry several times. I love books that are able to touch your emotions as if it were happening to you.

- Lord of the Rings Trilogy by J.R.R. Tolkien...I read this book (I had the three books in one) faster than I've read anything in my life. Then I read it again, slower this time, really taking in the scenery it was depicting and the stories of each character. I obsessed over LOTR so much that I even had a guild on an online game I was playing at the time called "Lords of the Ring". And then the movies were made; I watched all of them several times!!


And today, my dear readers, the status of my reading? It's been a while since I've finished a book. I keep thinking I'll read when I work less, when I have more time, when I have more motivation to do things, when I get a boyfriend so we can be "that" couple, when "insert excuse here"- I've started reading several and haven't finished one. Life happens and my concentration is at a -10 anyway, so my book reading has dropped off my list of things to do. I promise, as soon as my brain quietens down and I can breathe again, I'll read again, too. 

Still swinging

Do you ever feel like no matter how many times you swing, you will always come up short? Sometimes the feeling is debilitating because it feels like no matter how hard you try, that you will always almost get it. And we all know- almost doesn't count. In every aspect, I still keep swinging. At some point, life came to a screeching halt. It was like a car going 100 mph hitting a wall. The car is in currently in the shop. I have to still keep swinging.

Just saying.
Speaking of mental health, if you see anyone struggling with life and I understand we all are, just be kind. You don't have to pull out dollar bills or immediately judge the situation. Just be kind. Ask them how they are. Even if you don't believe a word out of their mouth. Even if you're struggling yourself. Connect with a soul out there, because as you can all see, our World is slowly dying. And we are killing it. With every bad decision we all make collectively together, which is why we should all encourage each other to do better and be best, instead of knocking each other down. I stay away from social media just because of that; I do not want to see the arguing unless it's constructive or productive.

I say this, but I am a hypocrite. I still make bad decisions, and I make mistakes. I work hard and I dream and sometimes play harder. I love animals. I pay my taxes. I don't wish anything bad on anyone. I try to do right by everyone. Treat everyone like you want to be treated, right? I personally think that is not technically correct, but that's just me. I can debate why, but I'll save it for the few of you who may be interested enough to ask. So, anyway, I try. That's the point. Isn't it?

Different America experience

I woke up today, watched the news and cried. I wish the mother-ship would come and take me home  where the world is peaceful and we aren't killing each other because we have different skin colors, or religions, or interests, etc. I don't understand why it's always "us against them". I don't understand why we can't just look at each other like two human beings in this sad world of ours full of injustice anyway. We all have our own America story. We all have our own experience. None of us live in a perfect world and we all have our trials and tribulations.

I wonder why we can't just get along or move along if we don't. I don't understand... It makes me sad. It upsets my soul. I hope it bothers you. I hope you know that if you feel a little danger, a gun is not the first thing you need to pull to disable the danger. A danger that may not end up being a danger at all but because you've been conditioned to believe that someone a little darker than you is an immediate threat. A danger that may have children at home, waiting for him to get home from the grocery store. A danger that is a man in this shitty world just like you are.

So that's how my Sunday began. I wonder what your America experience is. I always call on my readers to write me, and none of you do. But as much as some of you troll on FB and type your opinion where it doesn't matter, why don't you type it somewhere where it may? Like starting difficult conversations about your version of America and sharing it with someone who isn't like you? This world isn't puppies and sunshine. We aren't alone, but everyone is scared to care. And hey..I get it. If your world and your American dream isn't working out and you're bitter..I get it. I've been there and am there on some days. We can still chat about it.

Life is one. My enjoyment and disdain at the same time is sorting through myself, and no one wants to look in the mirror and analyze. Self-analyze. That's scary. We all want to believe we're good, kind, happy and that we try. So do it today. Go to that place of hurt. Understand it. Cry about it. Drink or smoke through it. But understand it. Be honest with yourself to admit when you are wrong, when you've said something racist, sexist or any kind of ism/t that represents your differences from someone else - but admit it. Admit it to yourself. Have that hard conversation with yourself and then find someone else and start it again. Keep working through it, because hate and fear were taught. Our way of "seeing differences" first was instilled by someone, somewhere in our lives; don't be afraid to admit they were wrong!!!




P.S. This was a backdated post from about two weeks ago and finished today. Thankfully it's not Sunday yet.

Okay-ish

So, hello 2018. It's nice to have you. You've been with us for about 3 months now, and as far as I'm concerned, you can slow down a little. Kick your feet up, stay a while. You're passing me up quickly and I have so many life decisions to make keep refusing to make. It's not fair how some years are begged to go on forever while some you pray would go at lightning speed. I'm not sure how to feel about you yet, so stick around.

Well guys, I used to update you all about my life constantly, but I am not really sure anyone reads this blog anymore. I've kept you entertained with my antics and my dark humor. I've shared my student teaching festivities as well as many posts griping about random topics that interest a handful of people. I've tried to make you laugh, make you think, make you even shed a few tears and now I'm not sure where to go with this blog from here. I'm not even sure whether to keep it. I guess this post is a cry of help from a writer who has developed a block, and not just in the writing department.


To update a little bit for the few of you who may care and don't know. I used to do the job, friends, love, family update so I might as well keep up with the blog traditions and continue. I've changed jobs. I no longer work in the trucking industry and in some ways, it's a blessing. No more unset or vague rules, no more bosses instead of leaders, no more policies that just don't benefit anyone but the ones making money. I have not always had such aversion for the transportation industry; it's more developed in this last year when the flood came. I now work in the HR Department at Lowe's. I'm still new and learning, but it's a new adventure.


I've made some new friends, as well as kept more in touch with my old ones. Since the end of 2017 and beginning of 2018, it seems like the floods came for a few of us. Keeping in touch for us doesn't just mean over social media with a few likes and heart eyes emojis on some pictures. I mean, kept in real touch..real world communication such as text messages, phone calls, video chats, visits, etc. I appreciate it all, but I definitely appreciate any of the above more when it was unexpected.


Oh love, where art thou? Bueller? Bueller?...Anyone? Oh wait. No. See, I have a theory about this. Every time I have an interest, it's with someone who is just unattainable. Whether he is physically, emotionally or mentally unattainable, it makes him not able to continue in the proceedings of being hired on as my future anything. And for some reason, God likes to play jokes on me so he magnetizes these men and make me be a part of this magnetism, so that a particular man finds me and then proceeds to waste my time. Yes, I voluntarily do this and blame no one, but I've wisened up.  I've had some laughs. Now it's time to get serious. So, love department, you ask? Closed until further notice. I had a few glimmers of hope, but then I realized...


Family. 2018 has been fun so far and is about to be even more fun. Anna is having surgery in June on her back and mom spent a week in the hospital with staph and pneumonia. Big sis is building a house; I am beyond excited for her and her family. Brother is always brother. We're all making it in some way.


Short and sweet, I used to have a lot to say; I was an open book. Lately, I prefer to be a diary. Only a few get to read and only the ones willing to pick it up for the long term read. Toodles!

Parents

Oh you chose me. For whatever reason you chose to have me. I've often wondered why God said "Those parents!" and just handed me over. Mom, I just never could be a full girl; but as I'm finding out you're not much of one either. Dad, I am the best son you've ever had; I take care of myself and you've never really had to worry about paying for my dresses, books and college. I took care of me. You both have taught me so much and I just cannot thank you enough. It hasn't been an easy road and the fact that it's still unsure is a bit disconcerting.  There are many things you've taught me; there are many things I've had to learn on my own when I wasn't ready. I grew up fast, and hard, I learned things the hard way and I've been put through hell. You've been there times to pick me up and often, it was great timing. I didn't have to ask. I never did.  My dear parents, you tried your best. Of that, I'm pretty sure. I cannot thank you enough for being there for me when I needed you the most and when I didn't think I had it in me to keep going. For some reason, I always found my way back to you; whether it was to visit Dad back home in Croatia, move in with mom or move mom in after life decides to show its ugly side.

Wait? You're single?

At some point in our lives do we give off a vibe that our expiration date is near and we need to settle down? Is my clock ticking my life away and I am just waiting for something perfect for me? Or is the expiration date near and it gives the okay for guys to treat you like a carton of milk? They commit to the one behind you with a day less on her spoiled stage. It seems that even my mother has a higher chance to meet someone to love than I do. This isn't really for the lack of trying, but in reality I do have a "No Loser" policy and it goes in effect once in a while.
For example, I meet one, like one, imagine our life, do one and never have ones time again. So meet, like, fuck, marry, and kill. The five elements of any "I am thirty two years old and am starting to collect animals" club.

So, no I am not 32; I am 25 with 7 years experience. In all reality, I am a little kid who works overtime and pays bills. I pay my taxes, I'm nice to older people, I am a people person, and I will probably be able to put your child to sleep and get your animal to love me immediately. Seriously. That's wifey material right there if I ever saw it. But no, I work a lot, and the only place I would meet someone would be in gym when I go once or twice a month, or at work. I meet many people at work, but some of them are just lost causes and I can't fix any more people. I am not the Red Cross and I love me more than you. I want a partner. I want someone who is prepared to be ever thine, ever mine, ever ours. Gabi out.  . . . . drops mike. Literally.

On female sexuality.

Sexuality- noun

- capacity for sexual feelings

- a person's sexual preference

- sexual activity

In today's age when we count everyone's good times and judge every person's notches, how much sexuality is good sexuality? How much fun time can we have before someone calls us a whore or call a man a womanizer? And the misuse of the word "whore" just pisses me off. Don't call me that; I'm not getting paid for it. Do you really think I would be on the struggle bus if that was the case? Bish, please.
We live in a world where sexuality is measured by how many partners we have, to how often we want it. So, how many people have you slept with? What is your body count? Ew. We get asked that in relationships, by our doctors, by our friends and sometimes even by family. That's too creepy.  In relationships, why does that even matter? In case you're wondering about my health, it's fine thank you, but why the fuck do you have the need to know how many people I have slept with? I'm not sure how anyone else feels about this but to me it's just one of those things to laugh off and never talk about. If you're really comfortable with the person and you don't think they will judge you or not believe you if it's low or high, go ahead. If you're really SURE. I mean if you are really, really relationship sure; this little tidbit can ruin your situation. And it's not soap- I didn't get used up. In fact, I learned tricks!

When the doctor asks you, then it's just uncomfortable. You have to remember how many partners you have, so you sit in the doctor's office imagining the face to those 4, 24, 36 or 78 guys you have slept with. Not only are you trying to put a name to a face and face to a name, now the memories flood and you sit there with A- a stupid grin or smile on your face or B- utmost disgust because of some of those memories. You then look up at the individual who is now TOTALLY judging you for the number you said. So when this happens to me, and it does every new relationship, it pisses me off. Not only do I have to relive my great, good, bad and ugly decisions, but I have to take shit from some nurse who didn't have enough balls to become a doctor or a nurse practitioner? HELL NO.

Friends will ask you and if they are anything like mine, they know it all and well, I mean ALL. Yours won't judge you unless they are that way anyway, and I'm pretty sure at this point in your friendship you know how they are. Mine are amazing. I can talk about anything with them and offer pictures. Of the guy! Not of that! Now I know my blog is R rated, but I don't go that far. :)

These are the days of our lives

Happy SaturYAY readers!  There is not a day more glorious than Saturday.  I tanned a little and played by the pool with my sister and her friends. It was so funny to hear 20 something year olds talk about life while you, the big sister drink in hand is contemplating how much damage your skin would get if you fell asleep drinking? I watched my all time favorite show all day, worked a little, designed a little and now I'm writing a little. I am interested in your stories as well as your questions if you have anything to ask in ways of advice, business ideas or if you just want to talk about your hobbies or ways you volunteer or give to others. I am doing a little project and would like to see who really reads this blog and what can I do for however many of you that there is. There is a tiny little spot in my black little heart that tells me to care. And I do and have. I want to help. Words are all that can give now and I read really well. Your identity will never be published, unless you want to be famous in my tiny little blogosphere. Think of my blog as a column in some wild non-existing newspaper that talks about our real life issues in real life actually by a real live person. This is just a personal project of my own. Consider it as if your little big life is my one great adventure.  Also, my dear readers, just because I am interested in you doesn't mean I won't write a little about myself in between on days when I feel like the Cat Woman I am. :) P.S. Your dearest is buying a house and is opening a little side gig. With help of many friends for editing, logo, investments, and free labor. Cause who doesn't love to work with their friends over some mimosas, pool and trees?   

Thoughts of Stitch- Day three

 He won't stop looking at me and every time I look at him, he tries to meow at me or jump like he's all that and a bag of chips. I feel like he is constantly undermining me like "Try me!"



His cockiness amazes me. He is so rude to mom, who feeds him by the way and he treats grandma like he's king of the house. He is not. I own this. And them. So, we woke up this morning at 6 am. Mommy was sweaty and woke up in a panic. She was okay a few minutes later when she walked through the hallway to let me go potty. We woke grandma up and we were all late getting ready; but we all made it on time to work. I, of course, stayed home. I'm only 2.5. So Oreo and I were finally alone. Oh, how I am going to chase the heck out of this cat. It's going to be an all day process.

It's a beautiful day outside and I think this is lunch time. Mommy is home from work!! I hope she stays. I think this is where she stays home. I'm pretty sure she isn't going anywhere because she looks exhausted.

And she is off again. I'm sure when she comes back, aunt Anna comes with her. I'll wait and see if all three come home at the same time. Oreo has been quiet but that's because he is dead asleep on the couch. He snores when he is comfortable and happy. 

Oh wait! Mommy is home! I am so excited. She let me outside and I stepped off the porch. I immediately took off after the squirrel down the road. Mom yelled and yelled, but soon I couldn't hear her anymore. By the time I came back, mom had gotten in her car and circled the block. I apparently was gone too long. 

After a while, Anna, Rachel and Dee Dee came over. They all looked so pretty; they smell amazing, too. They sat and talked for a little bit, while mommy drew a little. They had to go back to work for a little bit, but were back soon after. Mommy put on a movie, and everyone was laughing and laughing. I am so happy I can't stand it. Everyone pays attention to me, calls me cute and praises me when I do something silly. 

Mommy is getting pretty tired and I think everyone is about to leave. They're making their way outside and I am let out to pee. I can't wait to go to bed. She's exhausted and I am tired too. I just want to cuddle and sleep right next to her. Last night, I kept hearing noises and had to keep watch.

Good Night from Stitch and family.

Thoughts of Stitch- Day one

4/28/17- 6:30 am   Today, mom woke up just like a cat. In a panic attack. But, she's so happy towards me. She lets Oreo in for a few minutes. He sleeps with us, then wakes up, and slaps me to wake up. In which he wakes Mom up and ruins her moment. Sometimes, he isn't in the room that early, and she's calm but listening through mom ears for him and his moment to be hers. When he isn't let in, sometimes I'm glad. #sorrynotsorry.
Mom got up to let me go do my business and she left the door open. I climbed down the steps and stepped to visit our next door neighboor; but before I walk over there, I'll pee on Mom's tires because she's mine. It's mine. This house is mine. I walked down the street and stopped at the home two houses down. I peed on their lawn and decided to go on. Their little dog pisses me off. He always gets me in trouble with Mom and I am not about to ask the little ass his name. Next is the nice guy that keeps his lawn well taken care of. I usually like to walk around the little bushes on the walk way, but I'll try not to pee on them. Unless someone else has, then I have to; cause it's mine. This block is mine.
I finally get to the STOP sign and I know it's red, because I've heard Mom say it before and then make that "ha" face when she remembers that I can't see colors. Especially red. The only thing I can see is the gray image on a circle plate.   
So, I STOP. And won't go further because mom is now outside whistling for me. I start walking back and pee a little here and there on random pieces of grass, and get to the next door neighbor's yard and poop right in the middle of it. Mom gripes at me, so when I'm done, I traipse to the house like a guilty kid. It's Saturday today, which means I will be in the house today with my cat, while mom goes to visit her friend. All day I get to sleep and chase the cat around as well as chew on myself and lick on myself without anyone looking. Grandma came in for a little bit then left to visit Aunt Manuela and the family.
I was left a few hours until Grandma came back, and then Mom. It's so good when everyone is here. I'm always my happiest when family is here. I can only imagine if all family...could be together.. Anyway, it's like 1am, and I am sleeping so mom is finishing this for me. She knows what to say and she knows me so well. I ESP her while I sleep and she knows it subconsciously. She looks over at me and tells me I'm beautiful. My eyes are closed and I'm really still; she doesn't know I hear her.  Anyway, good night guys and gals, I am going to sleep. More on Stitch and fam later.

Oh hello, 1:30am. Mom needs a quiet vacuum. She spilled some goldfish crumbs and I'm all over it. Now I'm going to watch some Family Guy while mom medicates and goes to bed for some cuddles. Missed her all day.  zZzZ

Sisters

So, sisters? Annoying, pretentious, troublesome, fun, soulmates, embarrassing, considerate, rude, hurtful, joyous. Right? We all have different experiences. Mine are such different ones that I honestly don't know what I would do without any one. Manuela- wonderful mom, inspiration to other women, caring sister. I've known this woman my whole life, We had it rough.; we struggled and we overcame. We grew up, grew closer and realized that we can't do without each other. I couldn't do it without you. You have been my strength when I thought I didn't have any. You're the reason I crossed the ocean blue. Because that's what I would literally do; cross oceans for you. Please, don't ever change. Don't ever give up on your kids. They are us all over again and there will be rough times. Tetka is always here. I love you dearest sister. You are the light of my life. Anna- Oh little one, how I love you let me count the ways. You have been the most joyous, the most annoying, the most challenging and wonderful present. You are getting older and I don't know what to do with myself of both sadness and such pride. You go to school, you work hard when asked to and you pay your own way. You're also kind, generous, sometimes naive and sweet. I don't know why more people cannot have a heart like you. You have a love that is so huge, please don't try to stifle it. Your personality is getting bigger and I cannot express how thankful I am that you are growing up to be such a strong woman. Volim te do mjeseca i nazad. Casey- I sat and never got up. There is nothing you could have said that would keep me away. It was stronger than anything. Some people are just meant to be together in this mess we call life. You're my soulmate, my motivation, often my big sister and my Dear Abby. I depend on you to keep me level headed, down to Earth and able to assess a situation from both sides. There is a lot we have learned together from our family lives and opinions in general. You are broken in the ways that I can help and vice versa. We blend together and ESP each other. I don't think that I could ever thank you because often you have been the reason I have stayed in this world. I don't know whether to hit you or thank you, but I'm here. For better or worse. Because you're my half. I love your little family and that means Jason too; and I miss Barb. I remember often thinking why I don't get that worry from my own mother. I love you to the moon and back again infinite times, Kimmy- I will forever and always call you that. I will be the only one now in the world that can call you that. I miss you but I know you're near. I know you know I'm here and I cannot wait for the day we both are not so busy in our tornados to be able to get together. I am so grateful you have Aaron; and Constance and Cameron are my favorite kiddos to follow on Facebook. You have grown up into such an amazing young woman, then woman. And now you should be an inspiration to others. You have been through so much and I am so thankful I was a part of your best and worst days. I miss mom too. LYLAS!Tereza- Hardworking, amazing mom, terrific woman, awesome friend, compassionate human. I mean, you are so many things. You are my soul, my heart, the first friend in a new country, and the very best friend I've ever had. Our life experiences were similar and that's what grew us closer to each other. I cannot imagine my life without you. You have such a huge heart and your kids are absolutely lucky to have you. We sense each other with an ocean in between us and not many people can say that. Volim te najvise na svijetu!

I love you all. With every ounce, inch and heartbeat of my little black heart.