Spirituality 3.0

I'm going to be real honest here and tell you that I have set the Bible down. It's been sitting on my coffee table last two weeks just looking at me. I have made it to Numbers. When I decided to read the Bible cover to cover, I knew it was going to take a lot of focus for several reasons. I wasn't a huge history nut when I was younger, I watched my family do dumb shit and justify it with celebratory Catholicism and was made fun of for going to church and Sunday school. So.. not a big fan of religion already and then I come to the US and saw all the money poured into churches but not homeless shelters, and I had enough. Religion just has never been my cup of tea, and I was familiar with a few of them; while I believed a little of each I just never belonged in any single one. I was a little bit Catholic, with a hint of Muslim and a pinch of Jehovah's witness, and add some Buddhism 101 on the side. 

Fast forward to now, I have searched long and hard until I reached spirituality which to me was believing in all of the religions, in all of the Gods and Goddesses, deities and saints. Everyone is right, every God is the "one" and everything you believe in that is good is great. I don't argue anyone over my views being right or wrong, and I don't push the way I believe onto someone else. Not anymore. It's just simple peace, in my head, in my heart and my soul is learning to relax daily. My nervous system has always been in a war zone, but this year it's learning to breathe, be still and become what it should have been all along- regulated, efficient, loving.

So back to religion and God. My beliefs are different than most people's. I think God is in each of us, I think Heaven and Hell are right here on Earth, and I think that many Messiah's have walked this Earth and potentially some would be considered "schizo or crazy" now in our modernized societies all over the world. I also believe in magic and things that religion, God, spirituality, science cannot explain and don't have a word for besides magic or woo-woo. You can go ahead and take me out back, hang me or stone me because I will stand by my beliefs. I feel them deeply. I feel the magic in my skin every time I hear a good song. I feel it in my hands the moment I enter a room filled with heavy energy. I feel it in my belly when someone I like looks at me in that way and compliments my existence in their life. 

So yeah, magic is everywhere. In you, in me, in them, in it. Our Creator is good all the time, magic is a big part of it. Anyway, I'm going to sign off on this short and sweet post by saying I choose to keep my childlike magic alive every day and it's a very hard job. The lack of whimsy in adulthood is disgusting and I recommend you to go outside and frolic in some grass today and see if your ass doesn't feel like magic. You can't be sad, mad, or unhappy if you're skipping. Toodles!!

Your brain

BRAAAAAINS!!! We all have them, not all of us use them, but its main function is to keep us alive, not happy. Because of my own struggles with my own brain, I have often read books on the wonder of our brain- how it thinks, what chemicals do what, where the secret doorways are and how to make more neurons! Because of my fascination with the brain, it always made me wonder what makes us great humans, but also what can make us go tick tick BOOM! I've been fascinated with serial killers, and the dark abyss of the world for a long time on the account of that curiosity. 

As we have all seen in Inside Out 1 and 2, our brain has chemicals which do certain things, and those little assholes can sometimes get their information wrong. When they do, they wreak havoc. We think thoughts that are not like us, we get super tired or scared for no reason, and we tend to blow up at the smallest situations because our bodies think they're at war. Fun. It's so much fun being a human being. Wow! And then to be a man or a woman. Our hormones cycle every 28ish days. As a cisgender man, your cycle is daily- how great for you all. We get to feel 34 feelings before breakfast and you get to press reset at night. Just genius. Our creator definitely had a tremendous fun time making us. Anyhoo, back to the brain.

I started researching and looking into neuroscience because I was tired of people telling me to just think positive. And the terrible diagnoses like MDD, anxiety, C-PTSD and ADHD just felt like tainted labels which the capitalist patriarchy was charging me for. Or worse yet- comparing whatever I was going through only to claim "it wasn't that bad". I was sick of feeling like something was constantly wrong with me. With a little bit of reading, I realized my nervous system was doing its job, but its job was only to keep me “safe”- whatever that means. In the meantime, my nervous system was so dysregulated and dysfunctional, it would make me complete all 7F trauma responses in a safe situation. I constantly have to soothe and talk myself down from a ledge; it's exhausting but it's getting better. Things like plant medicine, meditation, sound healing, yoga, Reiki, work for me in the healing space, among many others things. It's what helps me get by on a daily basis. Call me your witchy godmother.

In September of 2021, I discovered Buti yoga because I was plummeting into a depressive state, and needed a way to get energy out of my body. A friend suggested it, I went to a class and fell in love. In March of 2022, I became a Buti yoga instructor. In 2023, going further on my yoga journey and developing my personal practice, I started my 500 hour yoga teacher training including meditation, breathwork and somatic therapy which I graduated from in March of 2024. My YTT broke me open. It put me face first with some very uncomfortable situations, while going through a series of unfortunate events and just wanting to belong to a community was kicking in the fawn response like crazy.

As of last month, I was attuned as a Reiki 1 Practitioner. I have used these modalities to keep myself from going insane when life decides to life. I am also using these healing modalities to regulate my nervous system, develop healthy relationships with myself and others, and sink into shadow work to heal some traumas- one day at a time. Wish me luck!

First home

Look, I was never known for having small feelings. Everything I've ever felt has always felt immense and loud which means that the feelings that are already loud and achy were extra that and anything good felt amazing. This is wonderful to have until something bad happens; then it's torturous. And life be lifing a whole lot lately! I grew up not being able to express myself fully, and often being shushed or shut down when I showed emotions or expressed feelings, so when I became a teenager I often acted out in order to let the suffocated into silence energy out of me. I was also in a foreign land trying to assimilate and unspoken hormones were directing my actions. I started hanging out with all the people my mother didn't want me around. I wanted to do everything opposite of what my stepfather said. I was noticing holes in my most important pillars, and I needed a way out.

My voice mattered then, and it matters now. Of course, when I was a teenager, I wasn't aware of that so the agreement that I adopted then was that I was "too loud, too much, too emotional, too aware, too outspoken, too everything but at the same time not enough." I often hid myself and did what individual friends or groups wanted me to do. I was smoking cigarettes at 7, I tried weed and alcohol at 13, I was sexually active at 15. I tried to fit in. It worked until it didn't- my body is intuitive. Your body is intuitive- it knows what you need. It recognizes people, places and patterns of behavior so it gives you butterflies and chills when you're around someone you're attracted to but also a sense of cold sweat or pain when it's warning you about something or someone. All you have to do is be quiet and pay attention. I wish I knew that then because I would have saved myself lots of heartaches.

Fast forward to today, and I am learning daily to listen to my body. It's my first home regardless of the country it was born in or the parents it was granted to. My first and only true home that will reflect how I take care of her daily is my precious body. Recently, I received information from my doctor that my body already was privy to. At 27, I was gifted this gentle pause of degenerative disc dis-ease mainly in my cervical spine and some arthritis in my lumbar and hips. Now at 39, I have arthritis in my entire spine, degenerating discs in both lumbar and cervical plus new degeneration of my SI joints. My body was yelling this since 2025 started. She howled every time I sat in the car for longer than a few hours. She shouted every time I binged watched a season or 5 of some serial killer show. She bawled every time I didn't take care of myself that day. She is screaming now and I have to listen. 

I am terrified. I am staying off Google because I am not about to psych myself out. I am going to focus on PT, and a re-test in 3 months for some of the other things that showed on my lab work. My 5 year plan is not going to include a motorized scooter or wheelchair. Neither will my 10 to 40 year plan. FUCK THAT! Like a friend of mine says "God's going to have to catch me." 

Chronic baddies

Have you ever seen one of those signs that asks you how do you feel physically on a sliding scale 1-10 with 1 being mild pain and 10 being severe?- I would add 10 being even excruciating. Here is a breakdown of the scale- 1-3 mild pain, 4-6 moderate pain, and 7-10 being severe. Leaves much room for questioning, methinks.

I have not been at level 0 since I was in my teens. That's my truth. I have been at levels 3-8 the last 4 months. Call it getting older, call it degenerative disc disease, arthritis, stress, call it whatever makes you sleep better at night but for me it feels like "today, I am able to live or not live." At pain levels 8, people are shut down in a hospital while all I am getting is doctors telling me I'm overweight and to move. I AM MOVING- I am a fucking yoga teacher! It feels like pins and needles in my back when I walk, and it feels an elephant is sitting on my hips when I sit down, but oh when I lay? It feels wonderful, for a whole 5 minutes and then I sink in and start throbbing. It's great. Every day. 

A yoga sister of mine and I were chatting about pain sucking the life out of you and how wonderful it is to have people who you can vent to and talk to about important things such as trauma, physical, mental or spiritual! One of the many things we talked about, we were discussing how people ask questions as if the person they're asking hasn't thought of every question, solution, problem and googled naturalist medicine on how to solve it. I do appreciate people asking, but the questions get tiring. We are wasting time questioning things and not moving into action- sooner! If you know someone who is in pain, chronic, severe, excruciating pain and they are functioning?- Ask how you can help! We are handling the entire world that you are as well, but we are also physically worn out, burned out, torn down. Be kind. Offer help. Care. Hug them- it's been PROVEN to lessen pain!

Health care system as a whole is not equipped to TAKE CARE of people. It is set up as a business to keep people unhealthy- unless you do your research as well. You have to participate in your own life- get out of your own way! Our physical self is only one part of us but it's a big part in this energy field we call Earth! The medical business industry in the US is based on patching bullet wounds with Band-Aids, and that's been my experience since the very first doctor and the very first big ache! There is not a doctor that looks at you holistically to heal all parts of you- physical, mental, spiritual. So then you have to venture out and start your own research. Get into the western medicine in different states, and then turn to your woo woo friend and ask what they can do. Do whatever you need to in order to feel better because your life depends on it. So does a few people's.

Being without employment, there is a lot of work to do in order to keep my mind and body on some sort of schedule even though I just want to curl up and watch TV. I try to get out of the house once a day. Right now the only thing that keeps lessening my pain is movement- any activity to warm up my muscles and joints, plant medicine, somatic therapy, dancing, eating foods that make my body feel good and being around the people that keep my body/mind/soul safe. Also crying!!- I cry a lot lately!

Toodles!

Spirituality 2.0

The other day I went on an adventure outside in my back yard. I sat down on the grass and smelled the ocean during meditation and it brought me back home when everyone was still Earthly present. Back home when I felt like a kid and had a supportive family and great friends. It brought me back to moments of my grandmother's knitting, my grandfather's piddling in the garage, my uncle's lessons on handwriting and my aunt's great cooking! It carried me through each memory and gently let me remember, but also showing me the harsh reality of forgetting what their voices sounded like. How I wish things were different, but absolutely being grateful they were mine.

The adventure left me sobbing for the grief that I've let myself feel again, this many years later. Baka (grandma) died in 2002, Eko (my nickname for my uncle) in 2008, Deda (grandpa) in 2010 and Strina (aunt) in 2020. It's been a painful road and each passing felt unreal because I have not been to any of the funerals. The interesting thing was that grief for each person felt new, as if I was feeling it for the first time. It's strange what kind of process grief has, because in my experience, you never truly get over anything. You just transmute it to mean something different, to hurt a little differently but not project onto others. 

Life is hard, y'all and whatever you have been through in life has brought you here. You haven't been through what you have been through to just get here though. There's more to see, more to travel, more joy to discover and more love to give. Because, isn't that the whole point? I know you must be thinking what woo woo shit is this now, since self-care is a commercialized retreat instead of a given right, but hear me out. Life is meant to be lived in community, with others who love and care for you as you do for them. For the path of communication, creativity and life force to flow both ways. And in community is when you heal!

You are not supposed to have it all figured out- no one does. You are not supposed to do it alone- many of us have at least one person, place or thing. You are not supposed to know everything- which means you share knowledge and find people who are capable of the things you seek. Same as they do- which inherently means there is something in YOU that is needed by someone else. That's that magic woo woo shit some of us are talking about.  It's the medicine and wisdom that you have inside you if only you were quiet enough to listen, and still enough to hear. 

Toodles! I'm going to go thank a tree for letting me breathe another day.

Anonymous

You know, there was a time when we didn’t hide behind little screens and anonymous comments. There was a time when we had courage to talk our differences out instead of running. There was even a time when people actually had conversations face to face. We don’t seem to live in that time anymore. We have become keyboard warriors, micro aggressors, passive aggressive douchenozzles who haven’t leaned into vulnerability in decades! Now, I understand the world changes and some of the technology making our lives easier is doing exactly that, but weren’t we taught that everything that comes easy isn’t worth having? That’s because we weren’t supposed to be using technology so much that we forget our humanity. We forgot what it was like waiting for something to happen and having the patience to watch it unfold. We forgot what it felt like to have to apologize to someone and having the guts to look them in the face to admit you're wrong, not sending some text saying "Sorry" it took you one second to even think about. 

Instead, we comment anonymously on someone's blog without having the guts to face them, or we accumulate the dislikes, disappointments and then lash them out online. Maybe we collect them inwardly and turn on ourselves. Either way, we have been avoiding the real problems and staying silent. We forgot humanity, above all else and we turned on each other with such a hatred rather than doing what every single religion preaches which is LOVE. Have love for yourself, for your fellow humans- not just the ones you kind of like. Have enough courage to bring up the hard subjects and stay objective discussing them. Have enough vulnerability to recognize your first world fucking problems, entitlement and the privilege that you have. 

I chose to lean into curiosity instead and find out the why. I chose to find people interesting and step out of my comfort zone each day in some way to get to know other humans as they are, not as I want them to be. I chose to be among people and all of their dirty laundry, not shy away from society because there's movements we are uncomfortable with. And now, I chose to get offline and go tend to my own needs as COVID is slowly easing the hatred it has for my body.

“Nothing happens until something moves.”- Albert Einstein

Toodles!

Covid Chronicles

Hello, my dear readers! 

This girl has COVID and has it kind of rough. Go figure I get it when I planned a road trip weekend! These past couple of months have not been kind to my physical or my mental health. It seems I take a step forward and 5 back; I know that life is trying to teach me lessons but can I have a small break? I’ve learned them- over and over. Don’t play with boys that don’t plan a future and don’t lick people’s faces? Were those it?! Cause lessons learned! 

On a brighter note, I get to be home with my boys and since my depression has been rearing its ugly head lately, I can try and use this home time to center myself again. One problem I can see is the isolation, but with all the stimuli I’ve gotten lately it would be relaxing to just be home alone. Stitch also makes it super easy to be alone. He cuddles, he lays against me when I have fevers and he watches over me while I’m sick. Most people aren’t that comforting.

Mushu, on the other hand is currently wrapped around my feet, clawing and biting me...with love. Every time I don’t feel good he tries to entertain me with his antics and I love that. I could use the good mood. Today has been rough- fevers on and off. With those comes the high blood pressure and the ringing in the ears, as well as body aches, sniffles and a sore throat. I feel horrible! Thank God for great friends- Aaron brought me drinks and snacks and Iva is making sarma which are stuffed cabbage rolls! I usually get some at Christmas, but since I had a horrendous Christmas, I didn’t get to eat any. Also, my mother never brought me a plate like she said she would. Anyways, that’s my reality for right now people! Struggle is real!

Until next time, toodles!

So, therapy

So, therapy taught me that more people need to go. I think the next time I am ready to put myself out there, that’s what’s going to say on my Hinge app. All therapy is, is you being a responsible human who wants to coexist well with other people? We all need a little TLC. I mean, your brain deserves it and those who love you- or are trying to- deserve it as well! 

Currently, I am healing. I miss him. Looking back opened my eyes to a few things we should have both paid attention to from the beginning. Man, we sped things up and it felt great doing it. Trauma did that. One beautiful thing he taught me- hope!! I can do this. I know what I need in love, in relationships and it all begins with hope!

I am also currently missing a yoga studio so badly. Luckily, we are still getting together sometimes for pop up Buti classes. It has made me realize how much I love having this community around me in my daily life and how much I miss having it around. Most of the things in my life that were keeping me together have started slipping in some way, shape or form lately and it is driving me up the wall. I keep getting caught up in my own shit, and if you stay in it long enough it starts not to smell. I am trying so hard to come out of it. 

Sometimes, I truly can’t wait for my person. That man who is going to hear everything that I have to say, but will take only the important things to heart. The one who will take this world on with me, not fight with me about it. It’s not easy living as a minority in 2023, and a woman at that, but that’s a story for another time. Or stories. #metoo

Toodles.

Hello, trauma! It's me, Gabi.

     Hello, my dear readers!!! I am forewarning you, this blog post won't be an easy one. It wasn't easy for me to write it and for some of you that love me, it won't be easy to read it. And whatever happens, the show must go on.. so here it goes. I hope everyone had great holidays like 4th of July, Labor day, and such. I hid in my house and prayed my heart rate evened out enough for me to be able to breathe. Even this many years later, I am still affected by some things that should have normalized after 24 years in America, but nope- the body keeps a score. Having a trauma brain is a forever prison and it just helps to decorate the walls. 

  

  I am not really sure where to begin on this topic because there are many layers to be peeled back when it comes to my traumatic experiences. Trauma does not just root in the things happened, it also roots in betrayal, neglect, being an empath and many other experiences. If you have not properly worked through your traumatic events and you are still bleeding from those cuts, you will end up bleeding on people who didn't cut you. This often means projections of pain, trust or anger issues, commitment phobia, and many others ways you could inject someone else with your bullshit. See, I sit and feel my emotions now. I try to recognize my triggers, set boundaries and breathe through an event, but sometimes that is impossible. For example, 4th of July fireworks are SO fucking pretty but it scares the shit out of my trauma brain- mostly when I can't see them. I know they are only fireworks and I know they can't hurt me, but the sound triggers me and immediately puts me in fight or flight status. Sprinkle some social anxiety onto that and I am ready to jump out of my skin.

     For me and my story, it begins before the war and a little before my parents divorce when a new man or two were introduced to mine and my sister's life. Shortly after they divorced, my mother remarried one very mean and abusive man, but also someone who held us together; who on some days woke up to make my life hell and no one can tell me otherwise. And when he did these things, it was always my fault. I internalized those things and made them my own. For the longest time, I thought something was wrong with me and that's why people loved me toxically and violently. Being told that he loved me most also stung like a thousand bees (still does, which is why I refuse to hear it). Fast forward to now, I am finally not so angry when it comes to him. He passed away in 2013 and I was there beside him on his death bed. Why? I am the bigger person; his trauma will not ruin me. It's taken me years of therapy and years of work on myself to get that way. I talk to him now- especially when I am walking my favorite trail around the cemetery. 

War had torn our country apart, and all for the sake of land, power and religion. After my mother remarried, we still weren't safe in Bosnia; her new last name only protected her. Being a refugee at 9 years old, having to sleep in a camp, trust strangers and make it safely across the border? I'd say that leaves a bit of a scar. We experienced a few years of normalcy while we lived with my father in Croatia, and I finally felt that I had a family I was longing for. I had friends, I loved my school-- I even had a boyfriend (we were 11 years old; it was serious- I was gonna marry him). I was learning how to ride a bike. Nightmares had stopped. Life was good. Until it wasn't again. My sister Manuela left for America with my mother in Nov '96 and I was supposed to come when I finished 8th grade, or so I thought. Papers came saying my mother had me and my brother booked for 9/29/1997. You can imagine the discontent but the promise of a better life loomed. We boarded the bus to Vienna while I watched the three most important men in my life cry as they were letting me go. We spent the night in NYC and then boarded another plane to Nashville. I stepped off the plane and SURPRISE- mom is 9 months pregnant!!! I was shook, but then my big little love was born a month later. 

Shit went down for many years after that--that's a whole other long story, but my intention in sharing a little piece of my life is to remind all of you to be kind to people. We all have lives that we have lived that have been affected by things that may still be affecting us. Please, be kind to people, be curious, ask questions and let's normalize talking about mental health and setting our boundaries so we don't get triggered and affected negatively. Let's normalize communication again, calling each other like it's the 90's and having solid friendships rather than 300 Instagram likes. PLEASE?! Human decency is dying and we are part of the problem. 

Oy, vey

 Look, y’all, we all bitch about working, having no time, and productivity push that is shoved down our throats on a daily basis. Sitting at home for six weeks has given me a new love of work! And I low-key like my job. Not to mention, it's nice to have a damn paycheck!

I mean, I love being at home with my boys and all.. but having no social life, having to depend on people for everything for a while and then less so, having a 5-10lb weight restriction and not being able to drive was killing me mentally. Thankfully, I have mental health therapy twice a month and this month, I got to breathe a little more. I am currently occupying my time with an adorable little kitten named Mushu. He is the newest addition to the Smit family and I love him so much already. His antics make me laugh and make me forget that my life currently blows chunks! Thanks to my big sis Manuela for bringing him and my brother in law for waiting for him at the Amish. 

Yes, my down time wasn’t intentional, it was necessary! Life threatening if I didn't have it, but I just wish our short term disability company thought so cause so far they have screwed me and only approved 3 weeks of pay. I am down to no vacation, sick or holiday time, bare savings and living on my last dollars. My big sister has helped me out tremendously, along a few friends who donated to my struggle through Venmo, Cashapp, bringing me food and being there for me in other ways. My total bills from the hospital amounted to a whopping $5060.81. If any of my lovely readers are feeling generous, throw some dollars to your girl this way. I would appreciate it beyond words!

Venmo- gabriela-smit

Cashapp- gabrielasmit

I long to believe that everything happens for a reason. I often have said my back or my neck hurts, and the horrific thing sometimes is that people look at me and think I’m too young for these aches and pains, or worse yet, that I’m lying. Trust me, the shit that happens in my life I can't make up, so I wish I was lying on any of it. Hell, but I totally agree- I am way too damn young but here we are! I have accepted it fully and with this surgery, I hope to correct a lot of it so I can get my life back and prevent my body from needing any more lovely surgeries.

Toodles, my dear readers. Until next time. 

it's me, again

 Hello, my dear readers.. I wonder how many of you are left and still reading? Or every now and again, typing the link in or clicking on a favorite's button, just hoping that I have written something? I know I have; checked my own, that is.  I can't tell you how many times I have written a few lines, and just hoped it gave birth to more sentences by the morning. Then I'd read it and realize it just didn't have that something, so I delete it. Then I wait a few days weeks, and do it all over again. I've had a few of my old readers ask me why I am not writing anymore, as well as a few new ones. The main reason is I go to therapy and I guess all my thoughts I process in an actual journal and with my therapist. I have been trying to do that more out loud. I also can't help when I verbal diarrhea all over people sometimes. My screen comes down, and a lot of different me's come out. Sometimes at work, my hood side comes out and I think "oh shit, this is the day I get fired", but thankfully, most of the manager boys take what I spew with a grain of salt. So far, methinks. Or at least they're grown and some of them know to communicate if I've hurt their feelings.

I'm going to go crazy without work for the next 6 weeks. I am currently laid up because I've had spinal surgery. Yay, getting old for me is a blast! I am a 35 year old in a 65 year old's body, apparently. This is a mix of bad genetics, life, bad posture, a few car accidents and bad decisions sprinkled on top. Being laid up for days or weeks at a time gets you to ponder on your decisions in life, so naturally I have been going through mine with a fine toothed comb wondering "Why is this happening to me? and what could I have done differently?" I mean, it's not like I don't have any anxiety and depression anyway, but let's put ourselves in 30 stupid scenarios that have no way of happening. I don't have enough to worry about, really. Let's add silly shit to the list. *rolls eyes*

So far, being laid up and not being able to do a whole lot for myself,  I have learned to trust the process a little more rather than worry about things and try to control them. I've learned that my body will tell me when and how I need to do things, and there are consequences to it when I do not listen. So, I vow to be kinder to it and myself when I heal and during my recovery. If not, I'm afraid it's going to try to kill me harder.

I am relentless though. I couldn't have done this without my best friend; she has been with me the first week as my nurse/server and also dinner buddy. It feels weird to be on my own, but I am a good patient. I do what the doctor says. I don't push my limits when I don't need to. My family and friends are champions, constantly checking in, bringing food and making sure I am okay. Beyond blessed and grateful to be able to depend on people. 

The upside of being home, however, is being able to be with my boys every day. They are keeping me sane and entertain me with their antics. I still have a long way to go and every day, I get up for them. They lay in bed with me and cuddle when there are bad days, and they meow and throw toys at mama when it's a good day. This entire thing is a rollercoaster ride and I am taking it one day at a time. Just thankful that I am sharing it with these funny boys. 

How are you, really?

Hello, my dear bloggers!!!

How are you all? How are you managing in this crazy world of ours? 2020 has been shit. I mean the pandemic has really made a huge impact on the entire world, overseas and here. I worry about both, because I have family in both. I hope everyone is staying safe, wearing masks and staying a 6 ft. distance from others. As an empath, I completely feel how this has impacted most of you. On top of that, most of us deal with daily bull in our lives anyway whether it's work, family or personally related. And if this isn't the cherry on top of it all, some of us deal with mental health issues that make life that much harder to swim through. We must keep swimming, tho!

Now, there's that one thing that no one wants to talk about...Mental health! We actually would have to sit in our feelings and talk about them then. Haha! Well, starts with me first! 

Today was rough for me. I'm a big girl and I admit my things. All my things, cause how are you otherwise able to grow from them? In my conversations with family, I've found out a lot of things over the course of a few weeks regarding health, financial stress overseas, work stress and personal issues. It's rough anyway plus sprinkle 2020 all over it. I have to take deep breaths and I have to ground myself most of the time to only focus on things I can control and that are in my power to change. But I feel....All of the things. So when I ask people how they are, I truly mean how are you..to your core?

Thankfully, 4th of July has passed and for me that brings back a lot of bad. This year it affected me differently, and even though I was spending it with friends, it wasn't going the way I needed it to. This 2020 anxiety is a lot different. It's a surprise every time my PTSD wants to wake up. Most of the time I can control and figure out how to human again, but sometimes it takes me on a different adventure. This year, thank God, I breathed through every firework unseen like a champ, although my heart was pounding out of my chest. I like that my neighborhood obeyed the 11pm rule, and did not go past that, but there were some in the distance that I still heard well into the am hours. I know this is a time to celebrate for most of my American brothers and sisters, but damn man. For us war refugees..for us with PTSD, you're killing us once a year. Not just once a year, but several days before and after your one day of celebration. It's rough! 

*Steps down off my little soapbox*

So, how are you, really? 

Welp

I was watching the other day what the current president of my country was saying, and to be honest, it doesn't surprise me anymore. I'm worried that I am starting to get "used to" the things that come out of his mouth. It means I'm starting to normalize it and internalize it, and NO!!! That is NOT something that is normal. At all. Among other reasons, I don't have any form of news on my TV, but he is for sure one of the main ones. When I do decide to clue in- which is at least once a week like a citizen should- I often laugh at what I find. I do not hold back my despisement of him, or of his tactics and general existence. I didn't like him before; why would I now? Lord..especially now. I can't stand how he is handling this situation. We are supposed to be listening to the president for some comfort and something smart or knowledgeable to say. The bar doesn't even have to be that high; at least not tell people to drink bleach. 2020...VOTE, y'all and THINK hard about your choices! CHOOSE WISELY!

I am going back to work tomorrow today. Insomnia has kicked in and I am writing. I have built up my immune system, I have done enough work on myself and my health to feel "safer" going back. Now that everyone is mandated to wear a mask (at least the associates), I can breathe a little easier- pun intended. Oh, wait. You mean to tell me there are still people not doing what they are supposed to do? Oh, okay. And our country is reopening? Oh, okay. We have had the highest numbers, with numbers still mostly rising? Oh, okay. Welp. May the Goddess help us and may we all be safe.

Regardless of being a little terrified of the general public nowadays and really sick of the entitled pricks, I am excited to see my work family. It's been three weeks! I imagine it's going to be a long day and I spent the day mentally preparing for my first day back. I took the day to relax and not think about work at all, but just do what I felt like doing. I did some laundry, set out an outfit being all proactive and whatnot, danced in the long, hot shower and chatted with some friends. Not to mention, I got to video chat with some eye candy that's stuck in the mother country for his birthday, so all in all, a good damn day..and now night.

I think I am finally going to try to sleep. I hope tomorrow goes by as quickly as it can so I can be back at home with my boys. It's going to suck to be without them to cuddle with every moment or to kiss on. If they would let me bring my dog to work, I'd stay there as long as they needed me to. Just no one touch him. Do you see what World we live in today?! 6 ft. back, ma'am/sir!

Good night! Toodles!

Cut the shit out!

Okay..okay, let's not get too close. Please, keep a distance of 6ft. That isn't hard..it isn't science. Pretend there is a bullet coming for either of us if we stand closer than that to each other. Because there is. And that bullet is invisible and you only have a small chance of survival to begin with; it doesn't really matter if it was 20 ft long in the shape of Barney. Why? Because we, as the human race, SUCK ass! We are slowly dying off and the reason being?? We cannot follow simple rules!!!

1. Cough into your elbow- If you should just so happen to fuck up and cover your face for that enormously obnoxious sneeze with your hands, then by all means, please go wash them for more than 20 seconds (ABC's, birthday song, Cardi B "Bodak Yellow"- whatever your flavor is) or sanitize them, you lazy POS.

2. Socially Distance 6ft-  I know that you just can't resist and I completely understand, but I need you to stand back for your own safety and mine. When words come out of your mouth, it is followed by spit. I would like to not exchange any bodily fluids unless responsibly and consensually. Kthxbai. Which brings me to my next point.

3. Wear a mask- Find one, make one, buy one. Wear a bandana. You won't offend me for protecting yourself from me and me from yourself. We all appreciate that.

Yay! Epidural time. 

4. Clean and disinfect your work areas- Essentials, if you are working somewhere with the public like I am was**, please double, triple, quadruple whatever corporate cleaning is. They will do the legal minimum; we need to extend that to keep everyone safer. This is just a personal preference. I like knowing you and I are safe.

5. Educate yourself- Please read up on how Covid19 is spread, what the symptoms are, and if there is a testing center nearby. The more you know, the more you will do. I fucking hope!

6. Don't be a Dick- Yes, you have to wait in line. Yes, things are being done differently. Yes, there are changes. Stop, breathe, and ask yourself if you'd act like that with yo mama around! Stop it. You're not the only human with things to do. In fact, if you are not one of the ESSENTIALS, PLEASE GTFO of my way!

**I am currently on leave because of my use of steroids-- no worries, it's not the fun kind that will have me coming back to work looking like a Bosnian Massy Arias (no, she does not use them, I LOVE HER, please check her out). It's the kind that I need to have in order to be at a pain level zero like a whole human being, and it's also currently the one that is lowering my immune system to even below substandard use so I am prone to everything. Last time I was down for 5 days barely mobile, and 9 days sick. 

Thoughts of Stitch- Day one

4/28/17- 6:30 am   Today, mom woke up just like a cat. In a panic attack. But, she's so happy towards me. She lets Oreo in for a few minutes. He sleeps with us, then wakes up, and slaps me to wake up. In which he wakes Mom up and ruins her moment. Sometimes, he isn't in the room that early, and she's calm but listening through mom ears for him and his moment to be hers. When he isn't let in, sometimes I'm glad. #sorrynotsorry.
Mom got up to let me go do my business and she left the door open. I climbed down the steps and stepped to visit our next door neighboor; but before I walk over there, I'll pee on Mom's tires because she's mine. It's mine. This house is mine. I walked down the street and stopped at the home two houses down. I peed on their lawn and decided to go on. Their little dog pisses me off. He always gets me in trouble with Mom and I am not about to ask the little ass his name. Next is the nice guy that keeps his lawn well taken care of. I usually like to walk around the little bushes on the walk way, but I'll try not to pee on them. Unless someone else has, then I have to; cause it's mine. This block is mine.
I finally get to the STOP sign and I know it's red, because I've heard Mom say it before and then make that "ha" face when she remembers that I can't see colors. Especially red. The only thing I can see is the gray image on a circle plate.   
So, I STOP. And won't go further because mom is now outside whistling for me. I start walking back and pee a little here and there on random pieces of grass, and get to the next door neighbor's yard and poop right in the middle of it. Mom gripes at me, so when I'm done, I traipse to the house like a guilty kid. It's Saturday today, which means I will be in the house today with my cat, while mom goes to visit her friend. All day I get to sleep and chase the cat around as well as chew on myself and lick on myself without anyone looking. Grandma came in for a little bit then left to visit Aunt Manuela and the family.
I was left a few hours until Grandma came back, and then Mom. It's so good when everyone is here. I'm always my happiest when family is here. I can only imagine if all family...could be together.. Anyway, it's like 1am, and I am sleeping so mom is finishing this for me. She knows what to say and she knows me so well. I ESP her while I sleep and she knows it subconsciously. She looks over at me and tells me I'm beautiful. My eyes are closed and I'm really still; she doesn't know I hear her.  Anyway, good night guys and gals, I am going to sleep. More on Stitch and fam later.

Oh hello, 1:30am. Mom needs a quiet vacuum. She spilled some goldfish crumbs and I'm all over it. Now I'm going to watch some Family Guy while mom medicates and goes to bed for some cuddles. Missed her all day.  zZzZ

No one ever died from humor

Humor is a part of life and if you can't laugh at yourself, then shut your pie hole about other people's lives. For me, I laugh at something I do everyday. Mainly because I'm incredibly skilled in tripping over thin air and walking into walls. I always say quite a bit about my life on my blog and I feel like the readers I have, I am loyal to..but sometimes you have to take a break from reality and just fucking laugh. So enjoy the memes and have a great weekend. So how I feel after leg day

When I am in the gym, I tend to think I am the Hulk and I should be able to lift heavier and do more because well, stupid. Then the next day, I am praying to God to let me sit on the toilet because, well STUPID.

I took the same amount of pre-workout as I used to at the beginning of this year when I was regularly going to the gym because bad ass.

My most hated thing at the gym is when people are sitting at the machine, not using it and doing something else other than lifting. One of these days bro..one of these days.

I like to workout at my own pace, at my own weight skill and on my own time. I appreciate advice and constructive criticism, but...

My favorite question in the world is "you lift? you want to be huge?"

When people say lifting is bad for me, and that I should only do cardio so I don't get bulky.

Hump Day Confessions

So I decided to just do the damn thing and do the actual blog post that was meant for hump day. Confessions or something like that. Okay, I totally confess I drink a lot and don't even care about my liver function. With drinking come new friends, old friends, sex friends, best friends, great conversations, funny experiences, jokes, bad decisions and good memories. My bartender said she put me on the liver donor list, so I'm totally good for two lifetimes. Bless her sweet soul. Don't stop the party!

...running around yesterday made me realize I need to go back to gym. My body enjoys me working out although my mind really wants to watch Netflix. I feel the sexiest when I am in the gym and I do like the way I feel leaving after a good workout.

...either that, or I need to fatten and lazy up my friends and family so they quit making me do shit. 

...I think I am somewhat allergic to bullshit. It's really refreshing to hang out with people who say exactly what is on their minds. Recently, I have been eliminating the negativity in my life and this includes anyone who causes any kind of drama...and by drama, I don't mean like normal crap that life throws our way. I mean the legit "he said she said" high school bullshit or racist, inconsiderate shit talking drama.

Tell 'em, Sweet Brown!

...and remember, tomorrow is Thirsty Thursday! Stay thirsty, my friends!

Happy Hump Day Y'all!!!

Move over, fat ass

Okay, so most of you know I have been losing weight since last year and the last time I blogged anything healthy was that I was 138or9 lbs.

Well, today I come to you weighing at a whopping 150lbs and UNHAPPY! I have gained most of my weight back and it's a little discouraging. I have been going to the gym as frequently as I can, which used to be every day and now I'm good if I can get a couple of days in. Many people are saying I am just building muscle and it weighs more than fat bla bla bla. I say I'm just back to being a fat ass who needs to go back to calorie counting.

Seriously?! This weight problem is annoying. I mean Jesus H. Christ on wheels, I have battled with it my whole life. Can a girl get a fucking break? It seems like I take one step forward and two steps backwards.
Well, it's time to fucking do something about it. From today, I am trying to eat better, cook more, eat junk less, be more active, be less bitchy (moderately less), be more happy! I am leaving for Bosnia in a month and a half and I want to have a fabulous body when I get there. Or at least, one I can be kind of proud of.

You don't understand..My people are judgmental little fucks. They are all thin and beautiful back in the mother country; high heels and motherfucking tiaras. I am NOT even exaggerating. I need to be HOT! Okay, enough of my pity party. I just need to stop whining and do it. I hate cooking with a passion. When it comes to cooking for myself, I'd rather skin a bear. It's not that I don't have a sense for it; I mean anyone can Google a recipe and copy it. It's just that I'm fucking lazy and want it fast. When my belly grumbles and lets me know "hey we're hungry", I want food then, not wait a damn half hour prep time, hour cook time and 15 minutes cleaning time. I want it NOW! 

Also, grocery shopping?! Ain't nobody got time for that!

In other news, lookie what my family did. Extremely proud of both of them for sticking by their promise and getting the tattoo with me. My older sister is a different story. Chickenshit.

Gym is my boyfriend

The reason I love gym so much is because it's always there. It never disappoints and every day you are closer and closer to your goal. It makes you disciplined, it makes you work for what you want and it makes you own up to your bullshit. It is the best therapy in the world. It relieves your stress, your anger, your drama, amps up your happiness and it's the best sleep aid.

I have to tell myself this every day. I get very impatient because I have been going for almost 3 months and don't see a lot of results whereas my roommate is looking like a DIME! I gotta keep reminding myself that we have different goals and body structures. She keeps me motivated though. Just seeing her body change as much as it has keeps me going and pushing for mine.

Now don't get me wrong. I HATE going to the gym, but once I am there I feel reborn. I absolute hate getting in the car for the ride to the gym. I hate getting on the treadmill with the thought of walking uphill. I hate thinking about how sore I am. I hate how sore I actually am. I hate when I struggle with my weight. I hate not being strong enough to lift what I want to lift. I hate how everyone in my gym looks like they've been there since birth and I look like a beached whale (according to me and the mirrors)....I hate..I hate...but I'm there. Every day. I still go. I don't quit. I may fall down, but I get back up. I suffer my pain because I want the body that I want.



I fall. I stumble. I don't go for a week. I get depressed. I let life get to me. I let the outside affect my inside. I let other people affect how I feel about me. I make mistakes. I am not perfect. I can't is in my vocabulary.

But I don't give up.

I can't afford to give up, because the only person I will fail is myself.

I won't give up. Even if it kills me.