Monsters

One of my favorite old pastimes was watching psychological thrillers, serial killers documentaries and local hauntings. Teaching small children, I have been slowly integrating psychology into my every day life and theirs. Watching them grow from tiny, angry psychopaths into beautiful, regulated children is an amazing reward of my job. When I was at WKU, I studied child psychology many times in different classes and it really just taught me more about myself. It's interesting when you focus outward, sometime you also tend to heal your inward. However, when we focus on the good, we mustn't forget the bad, the evil, the subhuman.

I've been delving into the Monster series on Netflix. It started with Dahmer a few months back; I've watched the Ed Gein story and currently watching the Lyle and Erik Menendez story. It's wild to see that monsters are not always born, that they can be created by neglect, abuse, war or a mix of all of the above. They are created by a series of unfortunate, traumatic events that can be chronic. At times, it's one thing that is the catapult to murder, but then sometimes it's continuous, ominous happenings that change your DNA and make you into someone bad, someone who uses their magic for evil.

We all have magic. We can use it for good or for evil. Money can be used for good or evil, so can weapons, and so can words. We create our reality, our lives and we put our boundaries up to feel safe. We use magic every day- whether we are manipulating an outcome or whether we are using intentional kindness and radical honesty is up to us. So if we are magic, we are medicine, we are intuitive, we are pure animals and we are still children. So I ask today, are you using your magic for good...or for evil? Are you intentionally lying and deceiving yourself, your partner, your people.. or are you using your words to create, to learn, to grow? Are you leaning more towards the psychosis of your life or the magic that you have within you that is weird, strange and wonderful?

How much of society are you making into the standard human response? Are you listening to yourself and making your kinks feel subhuman? Are you depending on social norms to tell you who you are and what you like? I, myself, am not a huge fan of the word "social norms" because who is to say what's normal? Normal is a setting on a dryer, not a human being. There are things that we all do like bleed, sexual desires and triggers and have flesh and meat suits but we are inherently all same, but different. How much of our differences really truly matter? I am full of questions lately as I am stepping into new territory by stepping into my feminine. It's awkward, it feels unsafe, I feel strange, loud and obnoxious all while I feel peaceful and like I am coming home. Weird. It's all strange. The Cheshire Cat said it best.

To date or not to date?

I am stepping out of my 3's into my 4's this year. I turn the big FOUR OH in November. It's been a big year- I have been so focused on releasing all that doesn't serve the woman I am growing into. 2025 has been a really hard year so far. I've mourned a 1 year death anniversary of a close friend, another old friend's cancer battle ending, my grandmother and Niko passing, as well as some health issues and a love life that keeps attracting unhealthy relationship patterns. The year has not been kind, but the strangest thing has happened. I've been able to face it all head on and stay standing. I am convinced that the last three years of hell with losing partners, jobs, friendships, family matters and health concerns prepared me for the moment where I lost my biggest cheerleader and didn't fall apart completely. It's really been life affirming for me that I am divinely protected. The last three years of handling life without a partner, has put me in a position to think hard about my future and where I would like to see myself in a year or five.

As a woman, when you consider your future there are many paths to think about. Do you want to be a mother and how much time is left for that? Would you like to get married? Would it matter if they have been married and had kids already? Do you want someone with small kids, grown kids or without any at all? Would you be okay partnered up and never married because at this point in your age range, people are working on their first, maybe even second divorce? Once you ask all of your questions and further examine where you are on those paths, then you can figure out what you want. It takes time, courage, passion and desire in order to experience life fully and learn about your human experience. It's been many years since I had the desire and now that I do, I am not sure where to start. I am open about wanting to spend life with a partner and I have been for a few years. I have experienced the fast life, the depressed life, the angry life and now all I want is a soft life with a safe person for me.

I don't shy away from vulnerabilities anymore. I don't mind being open to life anymore, radically honest, courageous, willing to compromise, and also willing to get my heart broken. As George Adair said "everything you want is on the other side of fear." Essentially, you are dating to either marry/partner up or dating to break up. I don't like starting something "to see where it goes". Having intention is important to me when it comes to dating. It's a choice. You are choosing that person each hour, each day, each week, month, year, decade. I want someone to choose me, even when I make it hard to. I want to be someone's only choice, not an option until the next one comes along or until the last one comes back. That is really hard to find in the "talking culture" nowadays. I'm either dating or not, coupling up or not, planning or not, all in or nothing at all. I don't want crumbs- I'm not settling for a slice- I want the whole damn pie.

I was told recently that this smells like desperation. I had to ponder on that statement to see if that's what this was. I decided it wasn't desperation, but a broken pattern of hoping some man chooses me yet again instead of releasing that story. It's time to find and let someone love me that actually wants to love me, build with me, share a life with me. Let me assure you if I was desperate, I would take any of the many men that would like my attention and love. Just because I don't have a main hitter doesn't mean I don't have a line-up.

Toodles!

First home

Look, I was never known for having small feelings. Everything I've ever felt has always felt immense and loud which means that the feelings that are already loud and achy were extra that and anything good felt amazing. This is wonderful to have until something bad happens; then it's torturous. And life be lifing a whole lot lately! I grew up not being able to express myself fully, and often being shushed or shut down when I showed emotions or expressed feelings, so when I became a teenager I often acted out in order to let the suffocated into silence energy out of me. I was also in a foreign land trying to assimilate and unspoken hormones were directing my actions. I started hanging out with all the people my mother didn't want me around. I wanted to do everything opposite of what my stepfather said. I was noticing holes in my most important pillars, and I needed a way out.

My voice mattered then, and it matters now. Of course, when I was a teenager, I wasn't aware of that so the agreement that I adopted then was that I was "too loud, too much, too emotional, too aware, too outspoken, too everything but at the same time not enough." I often hid myself and did what individual friends or groups wanted me to do. I was smoking cigarettes at 7, I tried weed and alcohol at 13, I was sexually active at 15. I tried to fit in. It worked until it didn't- my body is intuitive. Your body is intuitive- it knows what you need. It recognizes people, places and patterns of behavior so it gives you butterflies and chills when you're around someone you're attracted to but also a sense of cold sweat or pain when it's warning you about something or someone. All you have to do is be quiet and pay attention. I wish I knew that then because I would have saved myself lots of heartaches.

Fast forward to today, and I am learning daily to listen to my body. It's my first home regardless of the country it was born in or the parents it was granted to. My first and only true home that will reflect how I take care of her daily is my precious body. Recently, I received information from my doctor that my body already was privy to. At 27, I was gifted this gentle pause of degenerative disc dis-ease mainly in my cervical spine and some arthritis in my lumbar and hips. Now at 39, I have arthritis in my entire spine, degenerating discs in both lumbar and cervical plus new degeneration of my SI joints. My body was yelling this since 2025 started. She howled every time I sat in the car for longer than a few hours. She shouted every time I binged watched a season or 5 of some serial killer show. She bawled every time I didn't take care of myself that day. She is screaming now and I have to listen. 

I am terrified. I am staying off Google because I am not about to psych myself out. I am going to focus on PT, and a re-test in 3 months for some of the other things that showed on my lab work. My 5 year plan is not going to include a motorized scooter or wheelchair. Neither will my 10 to 40 year plan. FUCK THAT! Like a friend of mine says "God's going to have to catch me." 

Shrimp Bowl

What a game! What a game! I mean, I watched all of it and was rooting them on! I was also drinking heavily, eating SO much food and having a great time with my girls and boys at the Shrimp Bowl! I was dragging this morning, but it was worth it! The queen RiRi had DONE THE DAMN thing! And I ate my weight in shrimp, crab legs, potatoes, sausage and corn in some magic!

Work has been great. I am proud to say all three of my stores are staffed so I could focus on training!! That in itself is a blessing because then I can do a lot more to implement change. And have more time to take time off so I can travel, work on myself and do some more training as well!

You know how we do, my dear fans. The 5 of you that read this blog know l like to update life, work and love but my love life is on half pause, cause I have been super focused on healing from someone who wasn’t ready for me. But, I am keeping an open mind and open heart. I know it’s coming and I am excited!

Anyway, toodles! I’m killing this Mario game on the Nintendo switch!

Oops, I did it again

I let someone in. Way in. A lot further than anyone has been in a while. When I showed him glimpses of the hard, he ran..both times. I never said I was an easy person to deal with nor have I ever said that I am neurotypical and everything in my head goes according to plan. It doesn't. Let me break it down for you all. 

CPTSD- complex post traumatic stress disorder

MDD- major depressive disorder

ADD- attention deficit disorder

GAD- generalized Anxiety disorder

Now, let's delve into PTSD just a touch. It means if you date me, when we fight I act like a racoon in a trash bag BUT I will not cuss you, disrespect you or do anything physical. I definitely won't do anything that deserves me being called a bitch. Right after he told me I was "safe" with him and I believed him. I really wish more boys would ask the men what that truly means- to be safe with someone. To be vulnerable. To be courageous and honest. That takes guts- sticking around takes guts! Running away would be the "bitch" move. I digress. 

If you know or love anyone who is suffering from a mental illness, DO SOME FUCKING RESEARCH! Ask them, be curious! Why are people so fucking selfish nowadays? Someone tells me they are neurodivergent in some way, I'm like "I want to learn everything about you and then some". I can sometimes act like a know it all, but that's because I'm reading up on whatever you are telling me you have.  Anyway...I fell in love, got my heart broken, and am still wondering what the fuck happened? 

Where is my happy ending? I guess I will have to create one by my damn self!

Toodles!

Hello, trauma! It's me, Gabi.

     Hello, my dear readers!!! I am forewarning you, this blog post won't be an easy one. It wasn't easy for me to write it and for some of you that love me, it won't be easy to read it. And whatever happens, the show must go on.. so here it goes. I hope everyone had great holidays like 4th of July, Labor day, and such. I hid in my house and prayed my heart rate evened out enough for me to be able to breathe. Even this many years later, I am still affected by some things that should have normalized after 24 years in America, but nope- the body keeps a score. Having a trauma brain is a forever prison and it just helps to decorate the walls. 

  

  I am not really sure where to begin on this topic because there are many layers to be peeled back when it comes to my traumatic experiences. Trauma does not just root in the things happened, it also roots in betrayal, neglect, being an empath and many other experiences. If you have not properly worked through your traumatic events and you are still bleeding from those cuts, you will end up bleeding on people who didn't cut you. This often means projections of pain, trust or anger issues, commitment phobia, and many others ways you could inject someone else with your bullshit. See, I sit and feel my emotions now. I try to recognize my triggers, set boundaries and breathe through an event, but sometimes that is impossible. For example, 4th of July fireworks are SO fucking pretty but it scares the shit out of my trauma brain- mostly when I can't see them. I know they are only fireworks and I know they can't hurt me, but the sound triggers me and immediately puts me in fight or flight status. Sprinkle some social anxiety onto that and I am ready to jump out of my skin.

     For me and my story, it begins before the war and a little before my parents divorce when a new man or two were introduced to mine and my sister's life. Shortly after they divorced, my mother remarried one very mean and abusive man, but also someone who held us together; who on some days woke up to make my life hell and no one can tell me otherwise. And when he did these things, it was always my fault. I internalized those things and made them my own. For the longest time, I thought something was wrong with me and that's why people loved me toxically and violently. Being told that he loved me most also stung like a thousand bees (still does, which is why I refuse to hear it). Fast forward to now, I am finally not so angry when it comes to him. He passed away in 2013 and I was there beside him on his death bed. Why? I am the bigger person; his trauma will not ruin me. It's taken me years of therapy and years of work on myself to get that way. I talk to him now- especially when I am walking my favorite trail around the cemetery. 

War had torn our country apart, and all for the sake of land, power and religion. After my mother remarried, we still weren't safe in Bosnia; her new last name only protected her. Being a refugee at 9 years old, having to sleep in a camp, trust strangers and make it safely across the border? I'd say that leaves a bit of a scar. We experienced a few years of normalcy while we lived with my father in Croatia, and I finally felt that I had a family I was longing for. I had friends, I loved my school-- I even had a boyfriend (we were 11 years old; it was serious- I was gonna marry him). I was learning how to ride a bike. Nightmares had stopped. Life was good. Until it wasn't again. My sister Manuela left for America with my mother in Nov '96 and I was supposed to come when I finished 8th grade, or so I thought. Papers came saying my mother had me and my brother booked for 9/29/1997. You can imagine the discontent but the promise of a better life loomed. We boarded the bus to Vienna while I watched the three most important men in my life cry as they were letting me go. We spent the night in NYC and then boarded another plane to Nashville. I stepped off the plane and SURPRISE- mom is 9 months pregnant!!! I was shook, but then my big little love was born a month later. 

Shit went down for many years after that--that's a whole other long story, but my intention in sharing a little piece of my life is to remind all of you to be kind to people. We all have lives that we have lived that have been affected by things that may still be affecting us. Please, be kind to people, be curious, ask questions and let's normalize talking about mental health and setting our boundaries so we don't get triggered and affected negatively. Let's normalize communication again, calling each other like it's the 90's and having solid friendships rather than 300 Instagram likes. PLEASE?! Human decency is dying and we are part of the problem. 

Oy, vey

 Look, y’all, we all bitch about working, having no time, and productivity push that is shoved down our throats on a daily basis. Sitting at home for six weeks has given me a new love of work! And I low-key like my job. Not to mention, it's nice to have a damn paycheck!

I mean, I love being at home with my boys and all.. but having no social life, having to depend on people for everything for a while and then less so, having a 5-10lb weight restriction and not being able to drive was killing me mentally. Thankfully, I have mental health therapy twice a month and this month, I got to breathe a little more. I am currently occupying my time with an adorable little kitten named Mushu. He is the newest addition to the Smit family and I love him so much already. His antics make me laugh and make me forget that my life currently blows chunks! Thanks to my big sis Manuela for bringing him and my brother in law for waiting for him at the Amish. 

Yes, my down time wasn’t intentional, it was necessary! Life threatening if I didn't have it, but I just wish our short term disability company thought so cause so far they have screwed me and only approved 3 weeks of pay. I am down to no vacation, sick or holiday time, bare savings and living on my last dollars. My big sister has helped me out tremendously, along a few friends who donated to my struggle through Venmo, Cashapp, bringing me food and being there for me in other ways. My total bills from the hospital amounted to a whopping $5060.81. If any of my lovely readers are feeling generous, throw some dollars to your girl this way. I would appreciate it beyond words!

Venmo- gabriela-smit

Cashapp- gabrielasmit

I long to believe that everything happens for a reason. I often have said my back or my neck hurts, and the horrific thing sometimes is that people look at me and think I’m too young for these aches and pains, or worse yet, that I’m lying. Trust me, the shit that happens in my life I can't make up, so I wish I was lying on any of it. Hell, but I totally agree- I am way too damn young but here we are! I have accepted it fully and with this surgery, I hope to correct a lot of it so I can get my life back and prevent my body from needing any more lovely surgeries.

Toodles, my dear readers. Until next time. 

it's me, again

 Hello, my dear readers.. I wonder how many of you are left and still reading? Or every now and again, typing the link in or clicking on a favorite's button, just hoping that I have written something? I know I have; checked my own, that is.  I can't tell you how many times I have written a few lines, and just hoped it gave birth to more sentences by the morning. Then I'd read it and realize it just didn't have that something, so I delete it. Then I wait a few days weeks, and do it all over again. I've had a few of my old readers ask me why I am not writing anymore, as well as a few new ones. The main reason is I go to therapy and I guess all my thoughts I process in an actual journal and with my therapist. I have been trying to do that more out loud. I also can't help when I verbal diarrhea all over people sometimes. My screen comes down, and a lot of different me's come out. Sometimes at work, my hood side comes out and I think "oh shit, this is the day I get fired", but thankfully, most of the manager boys take what I spew with a grain of salt. So far, methinks. Or at least they're grown and some of them know to communicate if I've hurt their feelings.

I'm going to go crazy without work for the next 6 weeks. I am currently laid up because I've had spinal surgery. Yay, getting old for me is a blast! I am a 35 year old in a 65 year old's body, apparently. This is a mix of bad genetics, life, bad posture, a few car accidents and bad decisions sprinkled on top. Being laid up for days or weeks at a time gets you to ponder on your decisions in life, so naturally I have been going through mine with a fine toothed comb wondering "Why is this happening to me? and what could I have done differently?" I mean, it's not like I don't have any anxiety and depression anyway, but let's put ourselves in 30 stupid scenarios that have no way of happening. I don't have enough to worry about, really. Let's add silly shit to the list. *rolls eyes*

So far, being laid up and not being able to do a whole lot for myself,  I have learned to trust the process a little more rather than worry about things and try to control them. I've learned that my body will tell me when and how I need to do things, and there are consequences to it when I do not listen. So, I vow to be kinder to it and myself when I heal and during my recovery. If not, I'm afraid it's going to try to kill me harder.

I am relentless though. I couldn't have done this without my best friend; she has been with me the first week as my nurse/server and also dinner buddy. It feels weird to be on my own, but I am a good patient. I do what the doctor says. I don't push my limits when I don't need to. My family and friends are champions, constantly checking in, bringing food and making sure I am okay. Beyond blessed and grateful to be able to depend on people. 

The upside of being home, however, is being able to be with my boys every day. They are keeping me sane and entertain me with their antics. I still have a long way to go and every day, I get up for them. They lay in bed with me and cuddle when there are bad days, and they meow and throw toys at mama when it's a good day. This entire thing is a rollercoaster ride and I am taking it one day at a time. Just thankful that I am sharing it with these funny boys. 

How are you, really?

Hello, my dear bloggers!!!

How are you all? How are you managing in this crazy world of ours? 2020 has been shit. I mean the pandemic has really made a huge impact on the entire world, overseas and here. I worry about both, because I have family in both. I hope everyone is staying safe, wearing masks and staying a 6 ft. distance from others. As an empath, I completely feel how this has impacted most of you. On top of that, most of us deal with daily bull in our lives anyway whether it's work, family or personally related. And if this isn't the cherry on top of it all, some of us deal with mental health issues that make life that much harder to swim through. We must keep swimming, tho!

Now, there's that one thing that no one wants to talk about...Mental health! We actually would have to sit in our feelings and talk about them then. Haha! Well, starts with me first! 

Today was rough for me. I'm a big girl and I admit my things. All my things, cause how are you otherwise able to grow from them? In my conversations with family, I've found out a lot of things over the course of a few weeks regarding health, financial stress overseas, work stress and personal issues. It's rough anyway plus sprinkle 2020 all over it. I have to take deep breaths and I have to ground myself most of the time to only focus on things I can control and that are in my power to change. But I feel....All of the things. So when I ask people how they are, I truly mean how are you..to your core?

Thankfully, 4th of July has passed and for me that brings back a lot of bad. This year it affected me differently, and even though I was spending it with friends, it wasn't going the way I needed it to. This 2020 anxiety is a lot different. It's a surprise every time my PTSD wants to wake up. Most of the time I can control and figure out how to human again, but sometimes it takes me on a different adventure. This year, thank God, I breathed through every firework unseen like a champ, although my heart was pounding out of my chest. I like that my neighborhood obeyed the 11pm rule, and did not go past that, but there were some in the distance that I still heard well into the am hours. I know this is a time to celebrate for most of my American brothers and sisters, but damn man. For us war refugees..for us with PTSD, you're killing us once a year. Not just once a year, but several days before and after your one day of celebration. It's rough! 

*Steps down off my little soapbox*

So, how are you, really? 

Welp

I was watching the other day what the current president of my country was saying, and to be honest, it doesn't surprise me anymore. I'm worried that I am starting to get "used to" the things that come out of his mouth. It means I'm starting to normalize it and internalize it, and NO!!! That is NOT something that is normal. At all. Among other reasons, I don't have any form of news on my TV, but he is for sure one of the main ones. When I do decide to clue in- which is at least once a week like a citizen should- I often laugh at what I find. I do not hold back my despisement of him, or of his tactics and general existence. I didn't like him before; why would I now? Lord..especially now. I can't stand how he is handling this situation. We are supposed to be listening to the president for some comfort and something smart or knowledgeable to say. The bar doesn't even have to be that high; at least not tell people to drink bleach. 2020...VOTE, y'all and THINK hard about your choices! CHOOSE WISELY!

I am going back to work tomorrow today. Insomnia has kicked in and I am writing. I have built up my immune system, I have done enough work on myself and my health to feel "safer" going back. Now that everyone is mandated to wear a mask (at least the associates), I can breathe a little easier- pun intended. Oh, wait. You mean to tell me there are still people not doing what they are supposed to do? Oh, okay. And our country is reopening? Oh, okay. We have had the highest numbers, with numbers still mostly rising? Oh, okay. Welp. May the Goddess help us and may we all be safe.

Regardless of being a little terrified of the general public nowadays and really sick of the entitled pricks, I am excited to see my work family. It's been three weeks! I imagine it's going to be a long day and I spent the day mentally preparing for my first day back. I took the day to relax and not think about work at all, but just do what I felt like doing. I did some laundry, set out an outfit being all proactive and whatnot, danced in the long, hot shower and chatted with some friends. Not to mention, I got to video chat with some eye candy that's stuck in the mother country for his birthday, so all in all, a good damn day..and now night.

I think I am finally going to try to sleep. I hope tomorrow goes by as quickly as it can so I can be back at home with my boys. It's going to suck to be without them to cuddle with every moment or to kiss on. If they would let me bring my dog to work, I'd stay there as long as they needed me to. Just no one touch him. Do you see what World we live in today?! 6 ft. back, ma'am/sir!

Good night! Toodles!

Cut the shit out!

Okay..okay, let's not get too close. Please, keep a distance of 6ft. That isn't hard..it isn't science. Pretend there is a bullet coming for either of us if we stand closer than that to each other. Because there is. And that bullet is invisible and you only have a small chance of survival to begin with; it doesn't really matter if it was 20 ft long in the shape of Barney. Why? Because we, as the human race, SUCK ass! We are slowly dying off and the reason being?? We cannot follow simple rules!!!

1. Cough into your elbow- If you should just so happen to fuck up and cover your face for that enormously obnoxious sneeze with your hands, then by all means, please go wash them for more than 20 seconds (ABC's, birthday song, Cardi B "Bodak Yellow"- whatever your flavor is) or sanitize them, you lazy POS.

2. Socially Distance 6ft-  I know that you just can't resist and I completely understand, but I need you to stand back for your own safety and mine. When words come out of your mouth, it is followed by spit. I would like to not exchange any bodily fluids unless responsibly and consensually. Kthxbai. Which brings me to my next point.

3. Wear a mask- Find one, make one, buy one. Wear a bandana. You won't offend me for protecting yourself from me and me from yourself. We all appreciate that.

Yay! Epidural time. 

4. Clean and disinfect your work areas- Essentials, if you are working somewhere with the public like I am was**, please double, triple, quadruple whatever corporate cleaning is. They will do the legal minimum; we need to extend that to keep everyone safer. This is just a personal preference. I like knowing you and I are safe.

5. Educate yourself- Please read up on how Covid19 is spread, what the symptoms are, and if there is a testing center nearby. The more you know, the more you will do. I fucking hope!

6. Don't be a Dick- Yes, you have to wait in line. Yes, things are being done differently. Yes, there are changes. Stop, breathe, and ask yourself if you'd act like that with yo mama around! Stop it. You're not the only human with things to do. In fact, if you are not one of the ESSENTIALS, PLEASE GTFO of my way!

**I am currently on leave because of my use of steroids-- no worries, it's not the fun kind that will have me coming back to work looking like a Bosnian Massy Arias (no, she does not use them, I LOVE HER, please check her out). It's the kind that I need to have in order to be at a pain level zero like a whole human being, and it's also currently the one that is lowering my immune system to even below substandard use so I am prone to everything. Last time I was down for 5 days barely mobile, and 9 days sick. 

Against the wall

Hello. It's me. Dear Jesus, thank you. God, if you're listening, I'm grateful. I'm struggling, but I cannot believe how you answer my prayers. If you do not directly influence me, then thank you for sending people my way. I'm especially thankful for a few just today. It means a lot to me that you believe in me, that you think of me and that you help me in any way I need it. Guys, tho..seriously. Thanks for asking, texting, wishing, praying, paying and everything else in between. You have made me cry in joy, and God only knows I can never repay you. Thank you to theether, Anna, for your smiling face that I saw at lunch even if it was for a few minutes. Thank you to my theether from another mister, Hana, you're the real MVP. You've been my GPS, my photographer and my delivery woman all week. Thank you big sister, Manuela, for my 2nd tests and your words of encouragement throughout this week. I love you. 

That brings me to my second point. I cannot schedule these tests until way later in June it seems like which switches my plans a little LOT. It just seems like every time I try to do something in the education field, it's cursed to fail before it begins. It's frustrating. Life is frustrating. I am so frustrated I could scream. Or go for ice cream. I think I'll take a yogurt instead and plan a vacation if my dream doesn't work out this year. C'est la vie!! So hello guys, how's your Thirsty Thursday going? Is everyone still alive- y'all make it out okay?

Just wanted to make sure that this Thursday didn't end up with some victims. Much love. 

Parents

Oh you chose me. For whatever reason you chose to have me. I've often wondered why God said "Those parents!" and just handed me over. Mom, I just never could be a full girl; but as I'm finding out you're not much of one either. Dad, I am the best son you've ever had; I take care of myself and you've never really had to worry about paying for my dresses, books and college. I took care of me. You both have taught me so much and I just cannot thank you enough. It hasn't been an easy road and the fact that it's still unsure is a bit disconcerting.  There are many things you've taught me; there are many things I've had to learn on my own when I wasn't ready. I grew up fast, and hard, I learned things the hard way and I've been put through hell. You've been there times to pick me up and often, it was great timing. I didn't have to ask. I never did.  My dear parents, you tried your best. Of that, I'm pretty sure. I cannot thank you enough for being there for me when I needed you the most and when I didn't think I had it in me to keep going. For some reason, I always found my way back to you; whether it was to visit Dad back home in Croatia, move in with mom or move mom in after life decides to show its ugly side.

FBGM- My ideas

• Day 1- Buy car

• Day 7- Buy house

• Day 14- Open company

• Day 15- Start working more hours

• Day 20- Sign up for graduate school

• Day 30- Have a fucking panic attack

• Day 31- Keep having the same panic attack

• Month 2/ Day 2- Panic attacks galore

On female sexuality.

Sexuality- noun

- capacity for sexual feelings

- a person's sexual preference

- sexual activity

In today's age when we count everyone's good times and judge every person's notches, how much sexuality is good sexuality? How much fun time can we have before someone calls us a whore or call a man a womanizer? And the misuse of the word "whore" just pisses me off. Don't call me that; I'm not getting paid for it. Do you really think I would be on the struggle bus if that was the case? Bish, please.
We live in a world where sexuality is measured by how many partners we have, to how often we want it. So, how many people have you slept with? What is your body count? Ew. We get asked that in relationships, by our doctors, by our friends and sometimes even by family. That's too creepy.  In relationships, why does that even matter? In case you're wondering about my health, it's fine thank you, but why the fuck do you have the need to know how many people I have slept with? I'm not sure how anyone else feels about this but to me it's just one of those things to laugh off and never talk about. If you're really comfortable with the person and you don't think they will judge you or not believe you if it's low or high, go ahead. If you're really SURE. I mean if you are really, really relationship sure; this little tidbit can ruin your situation. And it's not soap- I didn't get used up. In fact, I learned tricks!

When the doctor asks you, then it's just uncomfortable. You have to remember how many partners you have, so you sit in the doctor's office imagining the face to those 4, 24, 36 or 78 guys you have slept with. Not only are you trying to put a name to a face and face to a name, now the memories flood and you sit there with A- a stupid grin or smile on your face or B- utmost disgust because of some of those memories. You then look up at the individual who is now TOTALLY judging you for the number you said. So when this happens to me, and it does every new relationship, it pisses me off. Not only do I have to relive my great, good, bad and ugly decisions, but I have to take shit from some nurse who didn't have enough balls to become a doctor or a nurse practitioner? HELL NO.

Friends will ask you and if they are anything like mine, they know it all and well, I mean ALL. Yours won't judge you unless they are that way anyway, and I'm pretty sure at this point in your friendship you know how they are. Mine are amazing. I can talk about anything with them and offer pictures. Of the guy! Not of that! Now I know my blog is R rated, but I don't go that far. :)

Thoughts of Stitch- Day two

Dear friends, family, followers, etc. We woke up today just like any other day, but nicely in a comfy bed with birds chirping outside. Then like clockwork, Oreo starts meowing and 7:15 and sits directly outside of the door scratching in. Sometimes, I want to bite; I choose not to. Mom went to work and I chased Oreo all day just for payback. Mom came home for lunch for her medication and stayed to play with me and Oreo while she ate. She had work as well because she was on the phone more than she was eating. She does that sometimes most of the time. I just wish she was home more. Or work from home. At least I can cuddle when I need to. Mommy is hooooome!! Oh, hurry and open the door! YES! I love you!! So mom is happy. Really happy. Something about a house and a realtor. I wonder what that means. Grandma is home and so is Anna. Anna is sad. Mom is so excited she's anxious. She is saying something about a house. A new house; big and more room. We are going to see it.  Geez, I hate car rides. It often makes me nervous and I just need air. Aunt Anna opens the window and mom invites me into her lap and open window as well.  Well, here we are and oh my God, this is huge. I'm going to get lost. I'm walking and hellooooo stairs. I run up, lay on mom's new bed. Run downstairs, see the kitchen and the basement. Back into kitchen and oh my God, outside! The yard is so huge. There is so much room for activities. I love it!! Mooom, when can we move in?? Hello, back home. I'm going to take a nap. This is just such an exciting day.  Mom is working on the computer. I think I'm going to chew on my bone for a while and go chase Oreo a little bit. He's sleeping; maybe I can tire him out.  Bedtime is my favorite time!! Let's go, mom! Good night guys.

hello skeletons

For the past couple more like a few years, I have been silent. Silent and waiting patiently for things to get better. Crying a little, fighting a little, drinking a little, meeting and losing friends, getting my heart broken (a few times)..Years passed..I lost myself in many little pieces in many different directions. I thought maybe people could make it better. A new friendship. A new perspective. Maybe a new relationship would make my heart feel better or my life worth living. One day in summer of last year, I fell in love with a man. I poured myself into a long distance relationship and forgot, yet again, what it's like to love me, care about me, respect me, take care of me, my needs and my existence because there is not one soul who will. I traveled there and took a month long vacation, if vacation could really be the word for it. It was more like cramming a part of a life story into a month's worth of visit while you're in the mother countries with your family and the new guy while you're having a month long anxiety attack. It wasn't successful and it just took a while to crash and burn. How does one explain being in love and not being able to allow the one person who loves you love you? Oh..yeah..depression. At the time that's how it started..

Vacation left me on thin ice in relationship, family life, friendship and then my career starter to do a downward spiral. Not to mention home life wasn't and isn't necessarily in order either. So what happens to your mind frame when every aspect of your life feels like it's fallen down the rabbit hole? It goes into survival mode. It shuts off. It starts shutting off things like problem solving, information processing, patience, sleep, and people as well as many others in order for you to function as a person minimally. It starts turning on only for moments of major adulting I call work, needs, drive, repeat. Eat sometimes is part of it, but often I am too exhausted or so busy at work that I cannot function. I came back from my vacation in Croatia after a month to find that no one has done anything in my office in my job position which set me back. I am constantly trying to be the best employee because that is my responsibility, but I constantly am feeling alone in that. Anyway, long story short the job position in the company I am currently in is making my life so crazy that I have developed some really bad anxiety and have been a hermit from the everyday life. I already suffer from depression (if you're crazy and you know it- shake your meds). It has taken such possession of me and my life. I worry constantly that I am not good enough and then I think back on stuff that I have done to make me a better safety manager, make me a better coworker; hell..make me a better person. 

I've tried. And kept trying. And will keep trying to fight. In life. Work. Friends. In myself, because for the first time in life I am in a crisis. I am in need and I need some major R&R. I have to keep fighting and looking for the little things in a day to feel okay, because if I don't that will be the end of me. There are only a few people in my life that know how I feel. How I truly feel on a daily basis living with very high anxiety and very deep depression, among everything around me lookin' just a little crazy. I'm as mad as the hatter and as lost as Alice.

The dating game

All of us want someone. If you're married or taken in any way and reading this, you're probably shaking your head no because your life fucking sucks or you're shaking your head yes because your partner is actually awesome. We all want a partner or a satisfying relationship. Some of us are lazy, some of us are awkward and some of us just don't like people but we want to find our weirdo so we want to skate past the horrible dating scene, or the awkward dates and go straight to the significant other status. You know the one; Netflix, takeout, sweatpants, vacations and great sex.

As Larry David said "A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone." Dating SUCKS! No one wants to take hours to get ready, shave their legs, worry about not eating Mexican. My idea of a romantic date involves Netflix sans pants. I also worry about sharing my bed with someone because my dog sleeps with me, and he is cuddlier, so there's that. I also like my own freedom and most guys want to be up my ass. Now, don't get it twisted. I still want you to be interested enough to keep in touch every day.

I mean, okay, let's say you do spend the couple of hours to try to loosen those tight pants you can't fit into but that make your ass look great, and curl your hair so he doesn't see your cowlick. Let's say you do that. You go on the awkward date and make small talk. You don't know who is going to pay, and you will judge him a little if he lets you pay. If he kisses you or doesn't kiss you at the door, you'll wonder what's wrong with you so this is lose/lose. You will wait for him to ask you on a second date, which is complete bull. Does he like you, does he not like you? Will he text, is he waiting for you to? Shit..

There is also the next day after the date and if you like him, your brain starts overthinking in 3..2..1... If he doesn't text you, is he still into you? Maybe he wants you to be assertive and text him? If you do, will you look desperate? Say he does text you. You're all friggin' stupid happy. You trip over the dog, walk into the walls and shit at work. You read his two letter text message (ok) and you smile. But let's face it. Texting back and forth becomes nerve wracking. You're worried about your response, you're worried about sending the wrong text. The worst thing about texting is that once you send it...well God help you.

Date number two and three or maybe more have passed. Now you're in this mess, so how do you decipher if the guy likes you or not? You start overthinking every action, lack of action or any kind of silence in between. If he sleeps with you on the first date, did he lose the respect for you? If he doesn't, is he maybe not interested and just wants to be friends? Most of the people now disappear from your life without even so much as a fuck you. They won't tell you "Hey, last night was great, but I'm not attracted to you. Want to be friends instead?" Some people just want to hook up and if you're looking for more, they won't be straightforward with you until after they collect the prize. Honesty is hard to find nowadays.

So many people are scared of commitments so they want to blur the line between friendship and relationship. While that line is blurred, there is no way to know what the rules are. I, for one, am not okay with that. Are you fucking only me or..? Ya know? Too much to worry about. Some people are too much into the sexual aspect to be loyal and with the social media making temptations and opportunities to cheat so easy to find, they won't even have to leave the bed they share with you.

After you have dated this person for a while and they feel comfortable around you, their genuine self starts coming out. Everyone now is so scared to put themselves out there at the risk of sounding too nerdy, too available, too anxious, too boring, too (insert whatever adjective you want here). And if you have dated for a while, the realization that you will either get married or break up is horrible. Both are equally terrifying concepts.

So, to summarize.. dating is basically a game of "let's see who can try to act like they care less in order to get someone to care more and then take turns." It's full of games, cheaters, liars, crazies and just annoying mofos who can't take a hint. Set yourself some rules to your own dating game and take control over this shit.  -if you like someone, don't pretend you don't -don't play the "wait to text" game..no one likes to guess and assume -don't alter what you want; have high standards and expectations -tell the ugly truth. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING HOLY, tell the truth!!!

Last word

I grew up a kid of divorced parents and I was also a middle child, so I was fucked hardcore from beginning. I have many issues and none of them I fear. They're a part of me and every characteristic rolled up into this is me. I fear failure, I fear a lot of things in life, but I will never fear who I am. That's the only thing I have left in this world. My integrity. My self-righteousness and my word. I don't promise I'm an angel. I have fallen many times. I have clipped my wings once this little girl grew up and started living in our jacked up world. I don't promise to be a good sister, a good daughter or even a good friend. But one thing I do promise is that I will always tell it how it is. The truth, whole truth and nothing but the truth. I would rather hurt your feelings once with the truth, than hurt your feelings every time you remember the lie.
Few people know me as me and they take me as I am. I have mostly guy friends because frankly, girls talk shit. Girls remind me of my own weaknesses and guys are just easier with emotions than we are. I learn a lot from people I am around and I chose to surround myself with people who remind me how the world is and how the hell to deal with it all. I choose to surround myself with people who are honest; I sometimes fail. I fail to see the person for their true colors and I am often surprised when I feel the cold steel in my back. 
Many people don't know me at all. Usually, I try. I try to make you see me. I try to bring you into the world of Gabi, but often I make mistakes because I am human and sometimes, people judge me for the little stupid shit that happens. Chances are, my mistakes are twisted and turned into something ugly for the world to talk about it. If you never let me fix it, you never gave me a chance.
Here is a little, small, minute insight on me. I will never lie to you. If I fuck up, I will royally fuck up and stand by my mistakes. If I tell you you look fat in those jeans, you really do. If I tell you you're beautiful, I mean it with my whole heart. If I give you advice, it means I care enough about you to want you to do better. If I trust you, it means you've worked hard enough to jump over my walls and get in. I will never lie to protect your feelings because that lie will turn into many more I have to tell you to make sure you're okay and frankly, I am way too lazy to try to remember what I said to you yesterday to make sure it matches what I tell you today. My short term memory sucks anyway and I don't care to think too much. If I tell you I'm your friend, it means I will stand by you no matter what. If I tell you I love you, it means you're carrying my heart. Don't break it.

20 years later

So, 20 years since I've been back to my hometown in Bosnia and I am nervous. I am travelling in May and coming back in June with my sister and my mother. My father doesn't know I'm coming and neither does my grandmother. I want it to be a nice surprise. I have many emotions running through me about going back. I just hope I can handle it. If you don't know why I am nervous, shame on you for not keeping up with World news and if you are younger than 20 years old, disregard that comment.

In 1992, war broke out in Bosnia and many of us were chased out of our homes, our families and friends were killed and we left our country in refuge for a better tomorrow. My sister and I had to leave after the war was over in 1995 and we moved to Croatia to be with our father.
Many of my memories are suppressed deep down and it will take years of therapy to recollect all of the things I forgot. Not to mention, many of us have undiagnosed PTSD and it affects us daily in our lives. Most of our people found refuge in America and it wasn't easy starting a new life. We dealt with prejudice, religious bashing, nightmares and general terrorizing from the American people. Don't get me wrong; not everyone was the same. There are some genuinely good human souls out there. I am forever thankful to live here and be safe, but not everyone feels the same about us being here. We are intruders, job-stealers, terrorists, corrupt, ugly reminders of the past.

Now, after 20 years I am going back to the place that started it all. Going back to the place where my memories lie buried, to the place that set the standards of my growing up. I had the best childhood growing up. We didn't have distractions like kids today have. We were raised to respect, work hard and to stand up for what we believed in. We had happiness; genuine, innocent friendships. I miss my family and want to see them! But..I'm scared. I'm scared that the memories will come rushing back and I will come unhinged. I'm scared that I may go and not come back the same person I've become or worse.

I hope this trip opens my eyes, brings my memories back so I can remember where I came from and instills all of my family morals further. I hope it's a growing experience instead of just revealing scary skeletons in my closet.

I hope...I'll keep you updated.