Lately, I've been feeling..

Like I'm not good enough. Like whatever good I have done in the world will never outshine the bad. Like I'm a bad sister, friend, daughter, grand-daughter. Sometimes, these feelings end up taking my life over and in my own eyes, I don't measure up. It's amazing how the people in our lives can either build us or destroy us. They can influence our self-esteem, they can influence our footprint in this world, they have the power, but only if we let them have control. I've let it happen for too long. I haven't had someone build me in a really long time.

Lately, I've been anti-social. I just want to sit on my couch, and watch my Dexter marathon on Netflix and eat something not good for me. It may have something to do with March. It may very well be because I am dealing with a butt-load of emotions since it's been a year since my step-dad died or it may be because for the first time in my life, I have no one. I have a few friends and my family, but no one to really sit and hash things out with. No one to talk to about my deepest, darkest secrets or my hopes and dreams, no one to lean on, to depend on, to feel like myself around, to just relax with. My roommate, so far, is handling all of that herself, but with her one job and school and my two jobs, the only time I see her is gym time and that time is to put work in and to sweat. We have a few talks in the hours we do see each other and I'm thrilled she is in my life. I probably would have been hanging from my ceiling if it hadn't been for her.

I've noticed that for the past two years, I have completely changed the person I am. I used to be fun, I used to be talkative, I used to be social and I was everyone's friend. So many people leaned on me and confided in me. So many people loved me and were grateful I'm their friend. So many people knew the real me. I'm not the same person I used to be. Something dark has taken over my life and it has left only a small shell of my former self. That is my fault. I let my life be controlled. I let my life pass me by. I let people influence how I felt, how I loved, who I was, my friendships, my finances and where I lived.

No more. I am letting go and starting over, but first I have to deal with my dark times. I have to get knocked down to the bottom and I'm pretty close. I have to fall down into a bottle of alcohol before I get out. I have to relive my failed relationships and learn my mistakes. I have to get rid of my baggage before I can make room for anyone in my life. I have to let go.


Thank you, Obama-care. This chickie is about to get therapy. I wonder if they have couples counseling for anyone who wants to come with me?