Monsters

One of my favorite old pastimes was watching psychological thrillers, serial killers documentaries and local hauntings. Teaching small children, I have been slowly integrating psychology into my every day life and theirs. Watching them grow from tiny, angry psychopaths into beautiful, regulated children is an amazing reward of my job. When I was at WKU, I studied child psychology many times in different classes and it really just taught me more about myself. It's interesting when you focus outward, sometime you also tend to heal your inward. However, when we focus on the good, we mustn't forget the bad, the evil, the subhuman.

I've been delving into the Monster series on Netflix. It started with Dahmer a few months back; I've watched the Ed Gein story and currently watching the Lyle and Erik Menendez story. It's wild to see that monsters are not always born, that they can be created by neglect, abuse, war or a mix of all of the above. They are created by a series of unfortunate, traumatic events that can be chronic. At times, it's one thing that is the catapult to murder, but then sometimes it's continuous, ominous happenings that change your DNA and make you into someone bad, someone who uses their magic for evil.

We all have magic. We can use it for good or for evil. Money can be used for good or evil, so can weapons, and so can words. We create our reality, our lives and we put our boundaries up to feel safe. We use magic every day- whether we are manipulating an outcome or whether we are using intentional kindness and radical honesty is up to us. So if we are magic, we are medicine, we are intuitive, we are pure animals and we are still children. So I ask today, are you using your magic for good...or for evil? Are you intentionally lying and deceiving yourself, your partner, your people.. or are you using your words to create, to learn, to grow? Are you leaning more towards the psychosis of your life or the magic that you have within you that is weird, strange and wonderful?

How much of society are you making into the standard human response? Are you listening to yourself and making your kinks feel subhuman? Are you depending on social norms to tell you who you are and what you like? I, myself, am not a huge fan of the word "social norms" because who is to say what's normal? Normal is a setting on a dryer, not a human being. There are things that we all do like bleed, sexual desires and triggers and have flesh and meat suits but we are inherently all same, but different. How much of our differences really truly matter? I am full of questions lately as I am stepping into new territory by stepping into my feminine. It's awkward, it feels unsafe, I feel strange, loud and obnoxious all while I feel peaceful and like I am coming home. Weird. It's all strange. The Cheshire Cat said it best.

No one is coming

No one is coming to save you. No one is coming to intentionally empathize or change your life. No one is coming to wipe your face, or dust the dirt off your petticoat. That's what I've realized this year; like truly, wholly realized. It hit me like a wet towel across my face when I got yet another call with bad news on the other line about my physical body. There is no one out there that's going to save you from life, from pain, from rejection, from living with yourself. You have to learn to pour into yourself because your heart, your body, your mind, your spirit...are the first home you have. Only one person that truly will be there for you- is you. And you better get your stuff together girl, cause no one is coming!

First thing, I have recently experienced a disappointment in how my love life was going. It's okay. I'm an idiot...again. I shouldn't have let myself slip for someone that wasn't available to catch me, or willing. In his defense, he warned me. I had faux hope- lesson learned. I am changing that pattern because it doesn't serve the person I am becoming. I am stepping into my full feminine and that takes lots of vulnerability and growth. Not everyone can handle that and that is okay. Sometimes, people tell you or show you that you're too much; you just need a man with bigger hands. Next thing- I have recently experienced love and intimacy which has opened me up to the desire of dating again. The desire to be wanted, loved, cared for, impressed, and honestly? Claimed. Last thing, the same person that has disappointed me has also shown me what I am capable of when it comes to relationships, no matter how complicated. I'm thankful. I've learned I want more understanding, less reading between the lines and more of the "Do you want to be mine- circle yes or no."

We often are not very forward with each other. We hide behind masks, we project insecurities and aggravations on others, we perform what our parents taught us or how life molded us. I have decided this year early on that I was going to be radically honest about everything. That is how we grow, how we evolve, how we become- in truth. I was born and raised in a not very honest family, and then add the dishonesty of the world, the greed, manipulations, the omission of truth and BOOM! You get human beings in fear of communication and touch, which are the most important senses. We forgot how to just BE. We are so busy doing, setting goals, running after money and nose-deep in the technology that we have forgotten about the importance of making memories without media.

I have a fantastic retreat coming up with amazing humans in the NY mountains. To meet, to hug, to connect with and speak my truth. To grow, remember, unplug and just BE with. The 16 year old girl inside me has been SCREAMING that she needs a safe space, a quiet, loving space, a soft space for months. She has been begging for life, for love, for connection, for romance and all she has gotten is death, disappointment, an inferiority complex, and soft rejections. Now, one thing that the adult me has figured out is how to compartmentalize and just keep swimming. I have to for survival, focus on me. Life has smacked me in the face and this retreat is perfect, Divine timing!

Toodles! 

Spirituality v. Grief

Hey everyone,

My grandmother passed away on 8/17. My sister's father in law passed on 8/19. You can't make this up. My families lost two generations of grandparents in two days- a great-grandma and a grandfather. I AM NOT OKAY!! We buried my grandmother on Wednesday 8/20, and Niko on Friday 8/22. On Saturday, I attended my sweet friend Marcy's offering; a grief retreat that I had registered for weeks before specifically for my neighbor. Never dreamed I would be in terrible need of it. I couldn't be more grateful that Spirit had put it on my path and very grateful for Marcy for holding such a safe container that I could scream, cry, grieve and release all the stuck energy that I have been harboring for years.

After I got home on Friday from the funeral and sitting shiva essentially all week, I spoke with a dear friend of mine who reads past lives. We had already started discussing my past lives last year, but really decided to hone in on how many I have lived. She mentioned that a previous life of mine on this land was in the 1400's and that I was one of the Mound people at Etowah village, which is now in Cartersville, GA about 271 miles away. So after I got out of the retreat on Saturday and got home at 2:30pm, I packed, got a babysitter for the farm and left on the road at 4:20pm. There were numerous things that happened on the trip down that made me feel safe and pointed out I was on the right path. Once I got there, I checked into a hotel and signs continued to happen. The energy of the place felt amazing- I felt as if I was home. 

On Sunday, 7 days since my grandmother had passed- I woke up early, had coffee in the hotel room, meditated and watched the beautiful scenery outside of my window. I got dressed and headed to Etowah Indian Mounds Historic Site. Once I got there, I asked for the guide that I  trauma vomited all over on the phone. Once Lucy came to the front, I started crying. I thanked her for being so kind and patient on the phone with me. She informed me that people often come to Etowah for healing and I told her a little of why I was there. We exchanged hugs and I headed to the mounds. I took pictures of everything at the center without reading it, and then stepped onto the land. I walked tops of Mounds A, B, C and the river bank barefoot. I was met by a butterfly at the beginning and the end of the journey through my Native land. I saw many more signs on the way back home that confirmed I was divinely protected and that she was still here, in the wind.

I recommend visiting Native lands, national and state parks while they are still funded and taken care of. Suffice to say, I found Spirit out there. 

Spirituality 3.0

I'm going to be real honest here and tell you that I have set the Bible down. It's been sitting on my coffee table last two weeks just looking at me. I have made it to Numbers. When I decided to read the Bible cover to cover, I knew it was going to take a lot of focus for several reasons. I wasn't a huge history nut when I was younger, I watched my family do dumb shit and justify it with celebratory Catholicism and was made fun of for going to church and Sunday school. So.. not a big fan of religion already and then I come to the US and saw all the money poured into churches but not homeless shelters, and I had enough. Religion just has never been my cup of tea, and I was familiar with a few of them; while I believed a little of each I just never belonged in any single one. I was a little bit Catholic, with a hint of Muslim and a pinch of Jehovah's witness, and add some Buddhism 101 on the side. 

Fast forward to now, I have searched long and hard until I reached spirituality which to me was believing in all of the religions, in all of the Gods and Goddesses, deities and saints. Everyone is right, every God is the "one" and everything you believe in that is good is great. I don't argue anyone over my views being right or wrong, and I don't push the way I believe onto someone else. Not anymore. It's just simple peace, in my head, in my heart and my soul is learning to relax daily. My nervous system has always been in a war zone, but this year it's learning to breathe, be still and become what it should have been all along- regulated, efficient, loving.

So back to religion and God. My beliefs are different than most people's. I think God is in each of us, I think Heaven and Hell are right here on Earth, and I think that many Messiah's have walked this Earth and potentially some would be considered "schizo or crazy" now in our modernized societies all over the world. I also believe in magic and things that religion, God, spirituality, science cannot explain and don't have a word for besides magic or woo-woo. You can go ahead and take me out back, hang me or stone me because I will stand by my beliefs. I feel them deeply. I feel the magic in my skin every time I hear a good song. I feel it in my hands the moment I enter a room filled with heavy energy. I feel it in my belly when someone I like looks at me in that way and compliments my existence in their life. 

So yeah, magic is everywhere. In you, in me, in them, in it. Our Creator is good all the time, magic is a big part of it. Anyway, I'm going to sign off on this short and sweet post by saying I choose to keep my childlike magic alive every day and it's a very hard job. The lack of whimsy in adulthood is disgusting and I recommend you to go outside and frolic in some grass today and see if your ass doesn't feel like magic. You can't be sad, mad, or unhappy if you're skipping. Toodles!!

Your brain

BRAAAAAINS!!! We all have them, not all of us use them, but its main function is to keep us alive, not happy. Because of my own struggles with my own brain, I have often read books on the wonder of our brain- how it thinks, what chemicals do what, where the secret doorways are and how to make more neurons! Because of my fascination with the brain, it always made me wonder what makes us great humans, but also what can make us go tick tick BOOM! I've been fascinated with serial killers, and the dark abyss of the world for a long time on the account of that curiosity. 

As we have all seen in Inside Out 1 and 2, our brain has chemicals which do certain things, and those little assholes can sometimes get their information wrong. When they do, they wreak havoc. We think thoughts that are not like us, we get super tired or scared for no reason, and we tend to blow up at the smallest situations because our bodies think they're at war. Fun. It's so much fun being a human being. Wow! And then to be a man or a woman. Our hormones cycle every 28ish days. As a cisgender man, your cycle is daily- how great for you all. We get to feel 34 feelings before breakfast and you get to press reset at night. Just genius. Our creator definitely had a tremendous fun time making us. Anyhoo, back to the brain.

I started researching and looking into neuroscience because I was tired of people telling me to just think positive. And the terrible diagnoses like MDD, anxiety, C-PTSD and ADHD just felt like tainted labels which the capitalist patriarchy was charging me for. Or worse yet- comparing whatever I was going through only to claim "it wasn't that bad". I was sick of feeling like something was constantly wrong with me. With a little bit of reading, I realized my nervous system was doing its job, but its job was only to keep me “safe”- whatever that means. In the meantime, my nervous system was so dysregulated and dysfunctional, it would make me complete all 7F trauma responses in a safe situation. I constantly have to soothe and talk myself down from a ledge; it's exhausting but it's getting better. Things like plant medicine, meditation, sound healing, yoga, Reiki, work for me in the healing space, among many others things. It's what helps me get by on a daily basis. Call me your witchy godmother.

In September of 2021, I discovered Buti yoga because I was plummeting into a depressive state, and needed a way to get energy out of my body. A friend suggested it, I went to a class and fell in love. In March of 2022, I became a Buti yoga instructor. In 2023, going further on my yoga journey and developing my personal practice, I started my 500 hour yoga teacher training including meditation, breathwork and somatic therapy which I graduated from in March of 2024. My YTT broke me open. It put me face first with some very uncomfortable situations, while going through a series of unfortunate events and just wanting to belong to a community was kicking in the fawn response like crazy.

As of last month, I was attuned as a Reiki 1 Practitioner. I have used these modalities to keep myself from going insane when life decides to life. I am also using these healing modalities to regulate my nervous system, develop healthy relationships with myself and others, and sink into shadow work to heal some traumas- one day at a time. Wish me luck!

Muse

Who, where or what is your muse? 

Is it your partner, or maybe your child? Is it a parent or a sibling? Every time you think about them or spend time with them, it opens you up creatively! Is it your cat or your dog? You sit on the ground brushing them, or take them on a walk and an idea strikes? And if it isn't a person or a thing, is there a specific spot where you go that just fuels your insides and ignites the fire? Maybe you'd get in your car, and go to that spot on the lake, sit on your favorite rock and just ponder the meaning of life, while great ideas just pour out of you? Or are you one of those people that need to go through some shit in order for your muse to appear so technically it isn't a person, place or thing and it's just a situation. Maybe it's the act of having sex. Let's be real- chemically, there is a whole lot happening in your body as you are having sex or having an orgasm so why wouldn't that be a good time to jolt some genius thought?

Recently, I was discussing being inspired to write lately and thanks to a few places, things and people, I have been writing the last couple of months more and more. I even put a little notebook in my purse so when I hear someone say something yummy, interesting or hell, even jolting, I would like to be able to keep up with it so I can ponder later on the subject. Who you surround yourself with matters, and I've been really picky lately about who I let in. I mean that whole-heartedly. I am careful about my energy, selective even. I choose people who choose me. I love people who love me. I see people who see me. I don't let anyone in my house, head or bed just willy nilly anymore. My peace is important and the world feels like it's about to spontaneously combust.

Muses have been portrayed usually by women, the feminine and only single apparition. Your muse(s) could be multiples of people, things, places and situations. For example, absolutely every time I have lunch with a friend of mine, she inspires me to become a Goddess who wants to be groveled for. She inspires me to step into my feminine wiles and she encourages my sexcapades a thousand percent! It's not one thing she says or does, it's the pure essence of her energy mingling with mine and the topics we discuss. I have another close friend, that when we spend the day together she makes me want to heal the world. Seriously. She makes me feel like I have the power to heal myself and the ENTIRE world. Can you imagine a friend's presence making you feel like that? 

Anyway, think about it. I'd love to hear about some of your muses. We don't have to name people, places, things or situations unless we want to. This is just for fun! Are you aware that you even have a muse? If not, I suggest you do some soul searching and find your person, place or thing- it's incredible! 

Kindness

This word has popped up a lot for me lately and it got me thinking. It's almost one of those "in" words now that are plastered on T-shirts, office walls and jewelry, but do we really participate in kindness? When was the last time you were kind? Are you only kind to certain people? How about being kind for no reason- when it didn't benefit you at all? Do you quantify kindness and think things like "I did it yesterday, I don't have to today"?

I've always been deep into language- maybe because I've had to learn 3 before my 12th birthday. Here is what the dictionary says about kindness --"the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate". Now, first thing I noticed was the and in the sentence which means being kind requires us to be 3 things at the same time. So in order for me to delve further into kindness, I now have to know what being friendly, generous and considerate means. Definitions of each :) You're welcome!

Friendly- Behaving in a pleasant, kind way towards someone.

Generous- Giving or willing to freely give more of something, as money or time, than is strictly necessary or expected.

Considerate- always thinking of other people's wishes and feelings.

WOW! That sounds like a lot of work, doesn't it!? It is. That's why only special people do it and they do it well. They almost feel like magic or sunshine, as I like to say it. They are the ones you don't have to teach how to love you. They show up. They do. They don't ask and they don't wait to be asked. They see a need, and they fill it. Those are your people- and often we have to be in the muck, the yuck, the stink, the funk, the down and dirty to see who those people truly are and that sometimes sucks. It also stinks to hope for it from certain people and not have that need met. Sucks. But this post is about kindness, and I am going to kindly finish it. 

Be kind to someone today and ask them to pay it forward. THE WORLD NEEDS IT! YOU NEED IT! I NEED IT! WE NEED IT!!!!

First home

Look, I was never known for having small feelings. Everything I've ever felt has always felt immense and loud which means that the feelings that are already loud and achy were extra that and anything good felt amazing. This is wonderful to have until something bad happens; then it's torturous. And life be lifing a whole lot lately! I grew up not being able to express myself fully, and often being shushed or shut down when I showed emotions or expressed feelings, so when I became a teenager I often acted out in order to let the suffocated into silence energy out of me. I was also in a foreign land trying to assimilate and unspoken hormones were directing my actions. I started hanging out with all the people my mother didn't want me around. I wanted to do everything opposite of what my stepfather said. I was noticing holes in my most important pillars, and I needed a way out.

My voice mattered then, and it matters now. Of course, when I was a teenager, I wasn't aware of that so the agreement that I adopted then was that I was "too loud, too much, too emotional, too aware, too outspoken, too everything but at the same time not enough." I often hid myself and did what individual friends or groups wanted me to do. I was smoking cigarettes at 7, I tried weed and alcohol at 13, I was sexually active at 15. I tried to fit in. It worked until it didn't- my body is intuitive. Your body is intuitive- it knows what you need. It recognizes people, places and patterns of behavior so it gives you butterflies and chills when you're around someone you're attracted to but also a sense of cold sweat or pain when it's warning you about something or someone. All you have to do is be quiet and pay attention. I wish I knew that then because I would have saved myself lots of heartaches.

Fast forward to today, and I am learning daily to listen to my body. It's my first home regardless of the country it was born in or the parents it was granted to. My first and only true home that will reflect how I take care of her daily is my precious body. Recently, I received information from my doctor that my body already was privy to. At 27, I was gifted this gentle pause of degenerative disc dis-ease mainly in my cervical spine and some arthritis in my lumbar and hips. Now at 39, I have arthritis in my entire spine, degenerating discs in both lumbar and cervical plus new degeneration of my SI joints. My body was yelling this since 2025 started. She howled every time I sat in the car for longer than a few hours. She shouted every time I binged watched a season or 5 of some serial killer show. She bawled every time I didn't take care of myself that day. She is screaming now and I have to listen. 

I am terrified. I am staying off Google because I am not about to psych myself out. I am going to focus on PT, and a re-test in 3 months for some of the other things that showed on my lab work. My 5 year plan is not going to include a motorized scooter or wheelchair. Neither will my 10 to 40 year plan. FUCK THAT! Like a friend of mine says "God's going to have to catch me." 

Chronic baddies

Have you ever seen one of those signs that asks you how do you feel physically on a sliding scale 1-10 with 1 being mild pain and 10 being severe?- I would add 10 being even excruciating. Here is a breakdown of the scale- 1-3 mild pain, 4-6 moderate pain, and 7-10 being severe. Leaves much room for questioning, methinks.

I have not been at level 0 since I was in my teens. That's my truth. I have been at levels 3-8 the last 4 months. Call it getting older, call it degenerative disc disease, arthritis, stress, call it whatever makes you sleep better at night but for me it feels like "today, I am able to live or not live." At pain levels 8, people are shut down in a hospital while all I am getting is doctors telling me I'm overweight and to move. I AM MOVING- I am a fucking yoga teacher! It feels like pins and needles in my back when I walk, and it feels an elephant is sitting on my hips when I sit down, but oh when I lay? It feels wonderful, for a whole 5 minutes and then I sink in and start throbbing. It's great. Every day. 

A yoga sister of mine and I were chatting about pain sucking the life out of you and how wonderful it is to have people who you can vent to and talk to about important things such as trauma, physical, mental or spiritual! One of the many things we talked about, we were discussing how people ask questions as if the person they're asking hasn't thought of every question, solution, problem and googled naturalist medicine on how to solve it. I do appreciate people asking, but the questions get tiring. We are wasting time questioning things and not moving into action- sooner! If you know someone who is in pain, chronic, severe, excruciating pain and they are functioning?- Ask how you can help! We are handling the entire world that you are as well, but we are also physically worn out, burned out, torn down. Be kind. Offer help. Care. Hug them- it's been PROVEN to lessen pain!

Health care system as a whole is not equipped to TAKE CARE of people. It is set up as a business to keep people unhealthy- unless you do your research as well. You have to participate in your own life- get out of your own way! Our physical self is only one part of us but it's a big part in this energy field we call Earth! The medical business industry in the US is based on patching bullet wounds with Band-Aids, and that's been my experience since the very first doctor and the very first big ache! There is not a doctor that looks at you holistically to heal all parts of you- physical, mental, spiritual. So then you have to venture out and start your own research. Get into the western medicine in different states, and then turn to your woo woo friend and ask what they can do. Do whatever you need to in order to feel better because your life depends on it. So does a few people's.

Being without employment, there is a lot of work to do in order to keep my mind and body on some sort of schedule even though I just want to curl up and watch TV. I try to get out of the house once a day. Right now the only thing that keeps lessening my pain is movement- any activity to warm up my muscles and joints, plant medicine, somatic therapy, dancing, eating foods that make my body feel good and being around the people that keep my body/mind/soul safe. Also crying!!- I cry a lot lately!

Toodles!

Spirituality 2.0

The other day I went on an adventure outside in my back yard. I sat down on the grass and smelled the ocean during meditation and it brought me back home when everyone was still Earthly present. Back home when I felt like a kid and had a supportive family and great friends. It brought me back to moments of my grandmother's knitting, my grandfather's piddling in the garage, my uncle's lessons on handwriting and my aunt's great cooking! It carried me through each memory and gently let me remember, but also showing me the harsh reality of forgetting what their voices sounded like. How I wish things were different, but absolutely being grateful they were mine.

The adventure left me sobbing for the grief that I've let myself feel again, this many years later. Baka (grandma) died in 2002, Eko (my nickname for my uncle) in 2008, Deda (grandpa) in 2010 and Strina (aunt) in 2020. It's been a painful road and each passing felt unreal because I have not been to any of the funerals. The interesting thing was that grief for each person felt new, as if I was feeling it for the first time. It's strange what kind of process grief has, because in my experience, you never truly get over anything. You just transmute it to mean something different, to hurt a little differently but not project onto others. 

Life is hard, y'all and whatever you have been through in life has brought you here. You haven't been through what you have been through to just get here though. There's more to see, more to travel, more joy to discover and more love to give. Because, isn't that the whole point? I know you must be thinking what woo woo shit is this now, since self-care is a commercialized retreat instead of a given right, but hear me out. Life is meant to be lived in community, with others who love and care for you as you do for them. For the path of communication, creativity and life force to flow both ways. And in community is when you heal!

You are not supposed to have it all figured out- no one does. You are not supposed to do it alone- many of us have at least one person, place or thing. You are not supposed to know everything- which means you share knowledge and find people who are capable of the things you seek. Same as they do- which inherently means there is something in YOU that is needed by someone else. That's that magic woo woo shit some of us are talking about.  It's the medicine and wisdom that you have inside you if only you were quiet enough to listen, and still enough to hear. 

Toodles! I'm going to go thank a tree for letting me breathe another day.

Spirituality

Look, I am not even going to apologize for not writing, because I feel at this point in my life, I am intuitive enough to know when something saps my creativity. Depression, unprocessed feelings, shadows lurking around, are all catalysts to my creativity sap and I usually go dark. I don't write for months, I don't open up enough and my communication begins to lack. Then I get frustrated at people for not being able to read my mind and it just starts a downhill spiral. So, again, I will not apologize for not writing. I will, however, do better. It seems I am slowly tapping back into my creativity, play and just plain joy, so I will do the best I can. It would help if whoever is still reading these, to give me some topics as suggestions. 

Okay, so the topic in my life lately that's been coming up a lot is Spiritualism/Spirituality and what I mean when I say "I am not religious, I am spiritual."

Oxford Dictionary term of "Spiritualism" is:

1. Noun- a system of belief or a religious practice based on supposed communication with the spirit of the dead, especially through mediums.

2. Philosophy- the doctrine that the spirit exists as distinct from matter, or that spirit is the only reality.

Spirituality is a noun and described as "the quality of being concerned with the human spirit or soul as opposed to material or physical things" And then it goes into deeper, but loose definition according to the social norms that spirituality is a “personal search for the purpose or meaning of life.”

Wow! That was not what I expected at all to be the definitions but interesting! For my definition, it begins with religion/s- plural- and moves on to what I chose to believe in, and what rings true to my mind, body and soul. I was raised Catholic-ish. You know the kind; celebratory of either life or death- we go to funerals and weddings, but never go to church on Sundays, do not get funky with lent and just overall, non practicing. The traditions, though, in our Eastern European country run deep because we take only what fits us and run with it. And then at a young age, I fall in love and end up living in a house with practicing Jehovah's witness for almost 4 years and take it upon myself to learn more about it- go to the assemblies, catch a meeting or two, read and ask questions. 

Fast forward years later, and I have friends and ex-partners that are Muslim, or Orthodox, whose religions I intended to find out a little about, especially if it was important to them or they were actively practicing. However, when you find out from other people, it tends to be watered down with their favorite traditions, their families upbringing and a little sprinkle of their own characteristics. It's fascinating to see how different people interpret the same religion and lead their lives accordingly. 

Anywho, today, I am reading the Bible. Painfully, slowly, but nevertheless. I want to find out word for word, as much as my brain can understand before I move on to the next Holy Book. I am attending once a month Satsang and learning more about how to truly embody my Divine highest self. As unsteady as everything in my life is, I feel more sensuous, more connected to Mother Earth, more grounded this year than I have last and it feels like sort of a rebirth. So to me, spirituality is being connected to Spirit and leading our own lives with connection to nature, love, plant medicine, nourishment, movement, etc. 

Toodles! Love y'all!

Holy crap, Batman

Hello my dear readers, 

I have abandoned you. I just left you on read with no message in sight. Today, I write because I realize I haven't in a while and also because I haven't felt like myself this year. I would like to see if everyone is falling apart this year or is it just some of us? My friends, family, neighbors, community just seems to be going through some changes and I am not quite sure what is happening in our Universe that is upending everything we have ever known. It's like the shift in the Universe is telling us to slow down and speed up at the same time, and half of us are on a standstill anyway. 

For example, myself- I have never been the type to job hop or not be satisfied with a job and simply walk away, but this year I have done exactly that. I start my new job in July and I am excited to see where the HR world can take me next, while I dream of owning my own business that I don't think I would ever open. The ADD part of me just cannot settle on any one thing. (the H is sought after because someone please give me some energy).

To even begin discussing my love life, I would like to begin that journey by sharing a description of an image and have you imagine what that looks like to you (if you're able to picture stuff, count yourself lucky- I have aphantasia). Imagine a hot, sunny day with no cloud in the sky. The wind is still. The temperature is 100 degrees and rising. You are standing in the middle of the dessert, with no water bottle, no provisions and inability to shield yourself from the sun. And you're just standing there, sweating, hoping someone comes. That's the depiction of my current state of love. I am just waiting and hoping that he knocks on my door because how else would I meet him?

I currently have Stitch and the 4 cats (Oreo, Mushu, Gypsy and Rain) in the house and the chickens outside - although Thelma sometimes like to come inside. The tiny farm also has a small rabbit living under the hostas by the front door. He comes out to greet me when I am coming home and he skedaddles back into the hostas when he sees me coming out in the morning! I haven't named him yet, just because when he grows up I know he will be leaving the hosta home. And I can't attach myself to outside animals because, I live on a main road with no sidewalk- no bueno for tiny yard animals. 

Anyway, that is just a little update on the madness that is 2024. I hope that you are one of the ones that the Universe is missing with her x-ray vision, and that all is going well for you. Drop in the comments how your 2024 is happening so far!

Toodles!

Second chances

Well hello there! I have been in a more creative mood lately and wish my ADHD would allow me to sit down and write them out. I have been journaling a lot more than usual and it feels good to let things out, however it’s also very lonely to be the only human in the house. Lots of changes- miss Gypsy came into my life and birthed Loki, Storm, Gypsy Jr, and Rain. And then everyone went to their forever home but Gypsy mama and Rain stayed. And then we added Lola for a few months!

First, this mami has gone back home this year!! This was a soul healing trip full of adventures, celebrations, happiness, family, friends and ALLLLLLL the Adriatic. 🖤 Therapy has me in a new awakening- it always takes a heart break to kick you in the ass! 🫡 LOL!

I have been ready to date again since last year and well, it didn’t happen last year. But this time around, I think it will. And I am happy with what the Universe has given me lately. She is definitely showering me with a lot more happiness, community, trust and random laughter. I am totally here for it! 

Secondly, I was in Hot Yoga Nashville studio all weekend for a Buti cert audit and as much as I enjoyed 30 hours of yoga, I am absolutely and utterly exhausted, sore but so damn happy! I mean, seriously?! Life changing!

Anonymous

You know, there was a time when we didn’t hide behind little screens and anonymous comments. There was a time when we had courage to talk our differences out instead of running. There was even a time when people actually had conversations face to face. We don’t seem to live in that time anymore. We have become keyboard warriors, micro aggressors, passive aggressive douchenozzles who haven’t leaned into vulnerability in decades! Now, I understand the world changes and some of the technology making our lives easier is doing exactly that, but weren’t we taught that everything that comes easy isn’t worth having? That’s because we weren’t supposed to be using technology so much that we forget our humanity. We forgot what it was like waiting for something to happen and having the patience to watch it unfold. We forgot what it felt like to have to apologize to someone and having the guts to look them in the face to admit you're wrong, not sending some text saying "Sorry" it took you one second to even think about. 

Instead, we comment anonymously on someone's blog without having the guts to face them, or we accumulate the dislikes, disappointments and then lash them out online. Maybe we collect them inwardly and turn on ourselves. Either way, we have been avoiding the real problems and staying silent. We forgot humanity, above all else and we turned on each other with such a hatred rather than doing what every single religion preaches which is LOVE. Have love for yourself, for your fellow humans- not just the ones you kind of like. Have enough courage to bring up the hard subjects and stay objective discussing them. Have enough vulnerability to recognize your first world fucking problems, entitlement and the privilege that you have. 

I chose to lean into curiosity instead and find out the why. I chose to find people interesting and step out of my comfort zone each day in some way to get to know other humans as they are, not as I want them to be. I chose to be among people and all of their dirty laundry, not shy away from society because there's movements we are uncomfortable with. And now, I chose to get offline and go tend to my own needs as COVID is slowly easing the hatred it has for my body.

“Nothing happens until something moves.”- Albert Einstein

Toodles!

Hello, trauma! It's me, Gabi.

     Hello, my dear readers!!! I am forewarning you, this blog post won't be an easy one. It wasn't easy for me to write it and for some of you that love me, it won't be easy to read it. And whatever happens, the show must go on.. so here it goes. I hope everyone had great holidays like 4th of July, Labor day, and such. I hid in my house and prayed my heart rate evened out enough for me to be able to breathe. Even this many years later, I am still affected by some things that should have normalized after 24 years in America, but nope- the body keeps a score. Having a trauma brain is a forever prison and it just helps to decorate the walls. 

  

  I am not really sure where to begin on this topic because there are many layers to be peeled back when it comes to my traumatic experiences. Trauma does not just root in the things happened, it also roots in betrayal, neglect, being an empath and many other experiences. If you have not properly worked through your traumatic events and you are still bleeding from those cuts, you will end up bleeding on people who didn't cut you. This often means projections of pain, trust or anger issues, commitment phobia, and many others ways you could inject someone else with your bullshit. See, I sit and feel my emotions now. I try to recognize my triggers, set boundaries and breathe through an event, but sometimes that is impossible. For example, 4th of July fireworks are SO fucking pretty but it scares the shit out of my trauma brain- mostly when I can't see them. I know they are only fireworks and I know they can't hurt me, but the sound triggers me and immediately puts me in fight or flight status. Sprinkle some social anxiety onto that and I am ready to jump out of my skin.

     For me and my story, it begins before the war and a little before my parents divorce when a new man or two were introduced to mine and my sister's life. Shortly after they divorced, my mother remarried one very mean and abusive man, but also someone who held us together; who on some days woke up to make my life hell and no one can tell me otherwise. And when he did these things, it was always my fault. I internalized those things and made them my own. For the longest time, I thought something was wrong with me and that's why people loved me toxically and violently. Being told that he loved me most also stung like a thousand bees (still does, which is why I refuse to hear it). Fast forward to now, I am finally not so angry when it comes to him. He passed away in 2013 and I was there beside him on his death bed. Why? I am the bigger person; his trauma will not ruin me. It's taken me years of therapy and years of work on myself to get that way. I talk to him now- especially when I am walking my favorite trail around the cemetery. 

War had torn our country apart, and all for the sake of land, power and religion. After my mother remarried, we still weren't safe in Bosnia; her new last name only protected her. Being a refugee at 9 years old, having to sleep in a camp, trust strangers and make it safely across the border? I'd say that leaves a bit of a scar. We experienced a few years of normalcy while we lived with my father in Croatia, and I finally felt that I had a family I was longing for. I had friends, I loved my school-- I even had a boyfriend (we were 11 years old; it was serious- I was gonna marry him). I was learning how to ride a bike. Nightmares had stopped. Life was good. Until it wasn't again. My sister Manuela left for America with my mother in Nov '96 and I was supposed to come when I finished 8th grade, or so I thought. Papers came saying my mother had me and my brother booked for 9/29/1997. You can imagine the discontent but the promise of a better life loomed. We boarded the bus to Vienna while I watched the three most important men in my life cry as they were letting me go. We spent the night in NYC and then boarded another plane to Nashville. I stepped off the plane and SURPRISE- mom is 9 months pregnant!!! I was shook, but then my big little love was born a month later. 

Shit went down for many years after that--that's a whole other long story, but my intention in sharing a little piece of my life is to remind all of you to be kind to people. We all have lives that we have lived that have been affected by things that may still be affecting us. Please, be kind to people, be curious, ask questions and let's normalize talking about mental health and setting our boundaries so we don't get triggered and affected negatively. Let's normalize communication again, calling each other like it's the 90's and having solid friendships rather than 300 Instagram likes. PLEASE?! Human decency is dying and we are part of the problem. 

Oy, vey

 Look, y’all, we all bitch about working, having no time, and productivity push that is shoved down our throats on a daily basis. Sitting at home for six weeks has given me a new love of work! And I low-key like my job. Not to mention, it's nice to have a damn paycheck!

I mean, I love being at home with my boys and all.. but having no social life, having to depend on people for everything for a while and then less so, having a 5-10lb weight restriction and not being able to drive was killing me mentally. Thankfully, I have mental health therapy twice a month and this month, I got to breathe a little more. I am currently occupying my time with an adorable little kitten named Mushu. He is the newest addition to the Smit family and I love him so much already. His antics make me laugh and make me forget that my life currently blows chunks! Thanks to my big sis Manuela for bringing him and my brother in law for waiting for him at the Amish. 

Yes, my down time wasn’t intentional, it was necessary! Life threatening if I didn't have it, but I just wish our short term disability company thought so cause so far they have screwed me and only approved 3 weeks of pay. I am down to no vacation, sick or holiday time, bare savings and living on my last dollars. My big sister has helped me out tremendously, along a few friends who donated to my struggle through Venmo, Cashapp, bringing me food and being there for me in other ways. My total bills from the hospital amounted to a whopping $5060.81. If any of my lovely readers are feeling generous, throw some dollars to your girl this way. I would appreciate it beyond words!

Venmo- gabriela-smit

Cashapp- gabrielasmit

I long to believe that everything happens for a reason. I often have said my back or my neck hurts, and the horrific thing sometimes is that people look at me and think I’m too young for these aches and pains, or worse yet, that I’m lying. Trust me, the shit that happens in my life I can't make up, so I wish I was lying on any of it. Hell, but I totally agree- I am way too damn young but here we are! I have accepted it fully and with this surgery, I hope to correct a lot of it so I can get my life back and prevent my body from needing any more lovely surgeries.

Toodles, my dear readers. Until next time. 

How are you, really?

Hello, my dear bloggers!!!

How are you all? How are you managing in this crazy world of ours? 2020 has been shit. I mean the pandemic has really made a huge impact on the entire world, overseas and here. I worry about both, because I have family in both. I hope everyone is staying safe, wearing masks and staying a 6 ft. distance from others. As an empath, I completely feel how this has impacted most of you. On top of that, most of us deal with daily bull in our lives anyway whether it's work, family or personally related. And if this isn't the cherry on top of it all, some of us deal with mental health issues that make life that much harder to swim through. We must keep swimming, tho!

Now, there's that one thing that no one wants to talk about...Mental health! We actually would have to sit in our feelings and talk about them then. Haha! Well, starts with me first! 

Today was rough for me. I'm a big girl and I admit my things. All my things, cause how are you otherwise able to grow from them? In my conversations with family, I've found out a lot of things over the course of a few weeks regarding health, financial stress overseas, work stress and personal issues. It's rough anyway plus sprinkle 2020 all over it. I have to take deep breaths and I have to ground myself most of the time to only focus on things I can control and that are in my power to change. But I feel....All of the things. So when I ask people how they are, I truly mean how are you..to your core?

Thankfully, 4th of July has passed and for me that brings back a lot of bad. This year it affected me differently, and even though I was spending it with friends, it wasn't going the way I needed it to. This 2020 anxiety is a lot different. It's a surprise every time my PTSD wants to wake up. Most of the time I can control and figure out how to human again, but sometimes it takes me on a different adventure. This year, thank God, I breathed through every firework unseen like a champ, although my heart was pounding out of my chest. I like that my neighborhood obeyed the 11pm rule, and did not go past that, but there were some in the distance that I still heard well into the am hours. I know this is a time to celebrate for most of my American brothers and sisters, but damn man. For us war refugees..for us with PTSD, you're killing us once a year. Not just once a year, but several days before and after your one day of celebration. It's rough! 

*Steps down off my little soapbox*

So, how are you, really? 

Cut the shit out!

Okay..okay, let's not get too close. Please, keep a distance of 6ft. That isn't hard..it isn't science. Pretend there is a bullet coming for either of us if we stand closer than that to each other. Because there is. And that bullet is invisible and you only have a small chance of survival to begin with; it doesn't really matter if it was 20 ft long in the shape of Barney. Why? Because we, as the human race, SUCK ass! We are slowly dying off and the reason being?? We cannot follow simple rules!!!

1. Cough into your elbow- If you should just so happen to fuck up and cover your face for that enormously obnoxious sneeze with your hands, then by all means, please go wash them for more than 20 seconds (ABC's, birthday song, Cardi B "Bodak Yellow"- whatever your flavor is) or sanitize them, you lazy POS.

2. Socially Distance 6ft-  I know that you just can't resist and I completely understand, but I need you to stand back for your own safety and mine. When words come out of your mouth, it is followed by spit. I would like to not exchange any bodily fluids unless responsibly and consensually. Kthxbai. Which brings me to my next point.

3. Wear a mask- Find one, make one, buy one. Wear a bandana. You won't offend me for protecting yourself from me and me from yourself. We all appreciate that.

Yay! Epidural time. 

4. Clean and disinfect your work areas- Essentials, if you are working somewhere with the public like I am was**, please double, triple, quadruple whatever corporate cleaning is. They will do the legal minimum; we need to extend that to keep everyone safer. This is just a personal preference. I like knowing you and I are safe.

5. Educate yourself- Please read up on how Covid19 is spread, what the symptoms are, and if there is a testing center nearby. The more you know, the more you will do. I fucking hope!

6. Don't be a Dick- Yes, you have to wait in line. Yes, things are being done differently. Yes, there are changes. Stop, breathe, and ask yourself if you'd act like that with yo mama around! Stop it. You're not the only human with things to do. In fact, if you are not one of the ESSENTIALS, PLEASE GTFO of my way!

**I am currently on leave because of my use of steroids-- no worries, it's not the fun kind that will have me coming back to work looking like a Bosnian Massy Arias (no, she does not use them, I LOVE HER, please check her out). It's the kind that I need to have in order to be at a pain level zero like a whole human being, and it's also currently the one that is lowering my immune system to even below substandard use so I am prone to everything. Last time I was down for 5 days barely mobile, and 9 days sick. 

Because I don't know what to say lately

Still swinging

Do you ever feel like no matter how many times you swing, you will always come up short? Sometimes the feeling is debilitating because it feels like no matter how hard you try, that you will always almost get it. And we all know- almost doesn't count. In every aspect, I still keep swinging. At some point, life came to a screeching halt. It was like a car going 100 mph hitting a wall. The car is in currently in the shop. I have to still keep swinging.

Just saying.
Speaking of mental health, if you see anyone struggling with life and I understand we all are, just be kind. You don't have to pull out dollar bills or immediately judge the situation. Just be kind. Ask them how they are. Even if you don't believe a word out of their mouth. Even if you're struggling yourself. Connect with a soul out there, because as you can all see, our World is slowly dying. And we are killing it. With every bad decision we all make collectively together, which is why we should all encourage each other to do better and be best, instead of knocking each other down. I stay away from social media just because of that; I do not want to see the arguing unless it's constructive or productive.

I say this, but I am a hypocrite. I still make bad decisions, and I make mistakes. I work hard and I dream and sometimes play harder. I love animals. I pay my taxes. I don't wish anything bad on anyone. I try to do right by everyone. Treat everyone like you want to be treated, right? I personally think that is not technically correct, but that's just me. I can debate why, but I'll save it for the few of you who may be interested enough to ask. So, anyway, I try. That's the point. Isn't it?