Spirituality 3.0

I'm going to be real honest here and tell you that I have set the Bible down. It's been sitting on my coffee table last two weeks just looking at me. I have made it to Numbers. When I decided to read the Bible cover to cover, I knew it was going to take a lot of focus for several reasons. I wasn't a huge history nut when I was younger, I watched my family do dumb shit and justify it with celebratory Catholicism and was made fun of for going to church and Sunday school. So.. not a big fan of religion already and then I come to the US and saw all the money poured into churches but not homeless shelters, and I had enough. Religion just has never been my cup of tea, and I was familiar with a few of them; while I believed a little of each I just never belonged in any single one. I was a little bit Catholic, with a hint of Muslim and a pinch of Jehovah's witness, and add some Buddhism 101 on the side. 

Fast forward to now, I have searched long and hard until I reached spirituality which to me was believing in all of the religions, in all of the Gods and Goddesses, deities and saints. Everyone is right, every God is the "one" and everything you believe in that is good is great. I don't argue anyone over my views being right or wrong, and I don't push the way I believe onto someone else. Not anymore. It's just simple peace, in my head, in my heart and my soul is learning to relax daily. My nervous system has always been in a war zone, but this year it's learning to breathe, be still and become what it should have been all along- regulated, efficient, loving.

So back to religion and God. My beliefs are different than most people's. I think God is in each of us, I think Heaven and Hell are right here on Earth, and I think that many Messiah's have walked this Earth and potentially some would be considered "schizo or crazy" now in our modernized societies all over the world. I also believe in magic and things that religion, God, spirituality, science cannot explain and don't have a word for besides magic or woo-woo. You can go ahead and take me out back, hang me or stone me because I will stand by my beliefs. I feel them deeply. I feel the magic in my skin every time I hear a good song. I feel it in my hands the moment I enter a room filled with heavy energy. I feel it in my belly when someone I like looks at me in that way and compliments my existence in their life. 

So yeah, magic is everywhere. In you, in me, in them, in it. Our Creator is good all the time, magic is a big part of it. Anyway, I'm going to sign off on this short and sweet post by saying I choose to keep my childlike magic alive every day and it's a very hard job. The lack of whimsy in adulthood is disgusting and I recommend you to go outside and frolic in some grass today and see if your ass doesn't feel like magic. You can't be sad, mad, or unhappy if you're skipping. Toodles!!

Muse

Who, where or what is your muse? 

Is it your partner, or maybe your child? Is it a parent or a sibling? Every time you think about them or spend time with them, it opens you up creatively! Is it your cat or your dog? You sit on the ground brushing them, or take them on a walk and an idea strikes? And if it isn't a person or a thing, is there a specific spot where you go that just fuels your insides and ignites the fire? Maybe you'd get in your car, and go to that spot on the lake, sit on your favorite rock and just ponder the meaning of life, while great ideas just pour out of you? Or are you one of those people that need to go through some shit in order for your muse to appear so technically it isn't a person, place or thing and it's just a situation. Maybe it's the act of having sex. Let's be real- chemically, there is a whole lot happening in your body as you are having sex or having an orgasm so why wouldn't that be a good time to jolt some genius thought?

Recently, I was discussing being inspired to write lately and thanks to a few places, things and people, I have been writing the last couple of months more and more. I even put a little notebook in my purse so when I hear someone say something yummy, interesting or hell, even jolting, I would like to be able to keep up with it so I can ponder later on the subject. Who you surround yourself with matters, and I've been really picky lately about who I let in. I mean that whole-heartedly. I am careful about my energy, selective even. I choose people who choose me. I love people who love me. I see people who see me. I don't let anyone in my house, head or bed just willy nilly anymore. My peace is important and the world feels like it's about to spontaneously combust.

Muses have been portrayed usually by women, the feminine and only single apparition. Your muse(s) could be multiples of people, things, places and situations. For example, absolutely every time I have lunch with a friend of mine, she inspires me to become a Goddess who wants to be groveled for. She inspires me to step into my feminine wiles and she encourages my sexcapades a thousand percent! It's not one thing she says or does, it's the pure essence of her energy mingling with mine and the topics we discuss. I have another close friend, that when we spend the day together she makes me want to heal the world. Seriously. She makes me feel like I have the power to heal myself and the ENTIRE world. Can you imagine a friend's presence making you feel like that? 

Anyway, think about it. I'd love to hear about some of your muses. We don't have to name people, places, things or situations unless we want to. This is just for fun! Are you aware that you even have a muse? If not, I suggest you do some soul searching and find your person, place or thing- it's incredible! 

Kindness

This word has popped up a lot for me lately and it got me thinking. It's almost one of those "in" words now that are plastered on T-shirts, office walls and jewelry, but do we really participate in kindness? When was the last time you were kind? Are you only kind to certain people? How about being kind for no reason- when it didn't benefit you at all? Do you quantify kindness and think things like "I did it yesterday, I don't have to today"?

I've always been deep into language- maybe because I've had to learn 3 before my 12th birthday. Here is what the dictionary says about kindness --"the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate". Now, first thing I noticed was the and in the sentence which means being kind requires us to be 3 things at the same time. So in order for me to delve further into kindness, I now have to know what being friendly, generous and considerate means. Definitions of each :) You're welcome!

Friendly- Behaving in a pleasant, kind way towards someone.

Generous- Giving or willing to freely give more of something, as money or time, than is strictly necessary or expected.

Considerate- always thinking of other people's wishes and feelings.

WOW! That sounds like a lot of work, doesn't it!? It is. That's why only special people do it and they do it well. They almost feel like magic or sunshine, as I like to say it. They are the ones you don't have to teach how to love you. They show up. They do. They don't ask and they don't wait to be asked. They see a need, and they fill it. Those are your people- and often we have to be in the muck, the yuck, the stink, the funk, the down and dirty to see who those people truly are and that sometimes sucks. It also stinks to hope for it from certain people and not have that need met. Sucks. But this post is about kindness, and I am going to kindly finish it. 

Be kind to someone today and ask them to pay it forward. THE WORLD NEEDS IT! YOU NEED IT! I NEED IT! WE NEED IT!!!!

Grief

We live every day trying to avoid it but it catches up. Something no one can fix. Something no one can control or change. Death. When it comes, it brings violent waves of grief. 

So an old friend of mine died a couple of weeks ago and even though we hadn't been in much contact over the last few years while she was sick, the grief has hit me in waves. Waves of days okay and not okay, as well as waves of emotions like anger, envy, sadness, and large spectrums of each. It's been a wild and weird ride. I've experienced enough death for my 39 years here on Earth, and let me say that it never gets easier. Grief never gets easier. There is nothing anyone can say to comfort you. Today, I find a friend lost his dear dog. Death, no matter how big, always brings grief, and that grief is personal and it comes in spirals for all of us.

You know, historically, grief after death was often expressed publicly through mourning rituals, but in the 20th and 21st centuries, it became increasingly viewed as a private, personal experience. Something jaded inside of me says capitalism had something to do with that and someone is definitely earning off of that idea. Anywho, grief is awful and just because there is nothing anyone can say doesn't mean you have to do it alone. You shouldn't do it alone. Grief can come for different reasons- it doesn't always come with death. Losing a job, a relationship or some dream that you were chasing after can be grieved. It can also be the death of a character you once were in your life once you start your healing journey. However, humans sometimes  always suck at being comforting. We don't know what to say, we don't know how to be there or we make assumptions someone wants to be left alone. 

I didn't grow up in a very comforting family, and when I did have something to grieve I did it alone to which I promised myself I wouldn't ever do that to someone else. If you have had a loss, know that if you call or text me those news, I won't leave you alone for a few weeks. I mean, I will if you really want me to, but I'll be in the shadows, lurking for when you need a hug or a good cry. Being alone sucks anyway and then you add a life situation and it's even harder. We weren't meant to be doing life alone- I will die on this hill! I don't mean you have to settle and partner up, but know that this life is meant to be lived with friends, family, soul tribe, etc. We are on this Earth for connections!!!

All this to say, if you know of someone who is dealing with grief, ask them what they need. If you have an anxious friend or the loss is fresh and they're still in shock, show up! Bring dinner. Watch a movie. Have a cry sesh. Have a smoke sesh and then a cry sesh. Let them tell you memories of their person. Show you pictures of their dog and reminisce. Give them long hugs! Give them permission to just need your presence in the room while they cry and do dishes. The ideas are endless! 

Grief is fucking awful, weird, exhausting and difficult. And we should never do things that feel like that, ALONE!

Spirituality

Look, I am not even going to apologize for not writing, because I feel at this point in my life, I am intuitive enough to know when something saps my creativity. Depression, unprocessed feelings, shadows lurking around, are all catalysts to my creativity sap and I usually go dark. I don't write for months, I don't open up enough and my communication begins to lack. Then I get frustrated at people for not being able to read my mind and it just starts a downhill spiral. So, again, I will not apologize for not writing. I will, however, do better. It seems I am slowly tapping back into my creativity, play and just plain joy, so I will do the best I can. It would help if whoever is still reading these, to give me some topics as suggestions. 

Okay, so the topic in my life lately that's been coming up a lot is Spiritualism/Spirituality and what I mean when I say "I am not religious, I am spiritual."

Oxford Dictionary term of "Spiritualism" is:

1. Noun- a system of belief or a religious practice based on supposed communication with the spirit of the dead, especially through mediums.

2. Philosophy- the doctrine that the spirit exists as distinct from matter, or that spirit is the only reality.

Spirituality is a noun and described as "the quality of being concerned with the human spirit or soul as opposed to material or physical things" And then it goes into deeper, but loose definition according to the social norms that spirituality is a “personal search for the purpose or meaning of life.”

Wow! That was not what I expected at all to be the definitions but interesting! For my definition, it begins with religion/s- plural- and moves on to what I chose to believe in, and what rings true to my mind, body and soul. I was raised Catholic-ish. You know the kind; celebratory of either life or death- we go to funerals and weddings, but never go to church on Sundays, do not get funky with lent and just overall, non practicing. The traditions, though, in our Eastern European country run deep because we take only what fits us and run with it. And then at a young age, I fall in love and end up living in a house with practicing Jehovah's witness for almost 4 years and take it upon myself to learn more about it- go to the assemblies, catch a meeting or two, read and ask questions. 

Fast forward years later, and I have friends and ex-partners that are Muslim, or Orthodox, whose religions I intended to find out a little about, especially if it was important to them or they were actively practicing. However, when you find out from other people, it tends to be watered down with their favorite traditions, their families upbringing and a little sprinkle of their own characteristics. It's fascinating to see how different people interpret the same religion and lead their lives accordingly. 

Anywho, today, I am reading the Bible. Painfully, slowly, but nevertheless. I want to find out word for word, as much as my brain can understand before I move on to the next Holy Book. I am attending once a month Satsang and learning more about how to truly embody my Divine highest self. As unsteady as everything in my life is, I feel more sensuous, more connected to Mother Earth, more grounded this year than I have last and it feels like sort of a rebirth. So to me, spirituality is being connected to Spirit and leading our own lives with connection to nature, love, plant medicine, nourishment, movement, etc. 

Toodles! Love y'all!

Shrimp Bowl

What a game! What a game! I mean, I watched all of it and was rooting them on! I was also drinking heavily, eating SO much food and having a great time with my girls and boys at the Shrimp Bowl! I was dragging this morning, but it was worth it! The queen RiRi had DONE THE DAMN thing! And I ate my weight in shrimp, crab legs, potatoes, sausage and corn in some magic!

Work has been great. I am proud to say all three of my stores are staffed so I could focus on training!! That in itself is a blessing because then I can do a lot more to implement change. And have more time to take time off so I can travel, work on myself and do some more training as well!

You know how we do, my dear fans. The 5 of you that read this blog know l like to update life, work and love but my love life is on half pause, cause I have been super focused on healing from someone who wasn’t ready for me. But, I am keeping an open mind and open heart. I know it’s coming and I am excited!

Anyway, toodles! I’m killing this Mario game on the Nintendo switch!

Anonymous

You know, there was a time when we didn’t hide behind little screens and anonymous comments. There was a time when we had courage to talk our differences out instead of running. There was even a time when people actually had conversations face to face. We don’t seem to live in that time anymore. We have become keyboard warriors, micro aggressors, passive aggressive douchenozzles who haven’t leaned into vulnerability in decades! Now, I understand the world changes and some of the technology making our lives easier is doing exactly that, but weren’t we taught that everything that comes easy isn’t worth having? That’s because we weren’t supposed to be using technology so much that we forget our humanity. We forgot what it was like waiting for something to happen and having the patience to watch it unfold. We forgot what it felt like to have to apologize to someone and having the guts to look them in the face to admit you're wrong, not sending some text saying "Sorry" it took you one second to even think about. 

Instead, we comment anonymously on someone's blog without having the guts to face them, or we accumulate the dislikes, disappointments and then lash them out online. Maybe we collect them inwardly and turn on ourselves. Either way, we have been avoiding the real problems and staying silent. We forgot humanity, above all else and we turned on each other with such a hatred rather than doing what every single religion preaches which is LOVE. Have love for yourself, for your fellow humans- not just the ones you kind of like. Have enough courage to bring up the hard subjects and stay objective discussing them. Have enough vulnerability to recognize your first world fucking problems, entitlement and the privilege that you have. 

I chose to lean into curiosity instead and find out the why. I chose to find people interesting and step out of my comfort zone each day in some way to get to know other humans as they are, not as I want them to be. I chose to be among people and all of their dirty laundry, not shy away from society because there's movements we are uncomfortable with. And now, I chose to get offline and go tend to my own needs as COVID is slowly easing the hatred it has for my body.

“Nothing happens until something moves.”- Albert Einstein

Toodles!

it's me, again

 Hello, my dear readers.. I wonder how many of you are left and still reading? Or every now and again, typing the link in or clicking on a favorite's button, just hoping that I have written something? I know I have; checked my own, that is.  I can't tell you how many times I have written a few lines, and just hoped it gave birth to more sentences by the morning. Then I'd read it and realize it just didn't have that something, so I delete it. Then I wait a few days weeks, and do it all over again. I've had a few of my old readers ask me why I am not writing anymore, as well as a few new ones. The main reason is I go to therapy and I guess all my thoughts I process in an actual journal and with my therapist. I have been trying to do that more out loud. I also can't help when I verbal diarrhea all over people sometimes. My screen comes down, and a lot of different me's come out. Sometimes at work, my hood side comes out and I think "oh shit, this is the day I get fired", but thankfully, most of the manager boys take what I spew with a grain of salt. So far, methinks. Or at least they're grown and some of them know to communicate if I've hurt their feelings.

I'm going to go crazy without work for the next 6 weeks. I am currently laid up because I've had spinal surgery. Yay, getting old for me is a blast! I am a 35 year old in a 65 year old's body, apparently. This is a mix of bad genetics, life, bad posture, a few car accidents and bad decisions sprinkled on top. Being laid up for days or weeks at a time gets you to ponder on your decisions in life, so naturally I have been going through mine with a fine toothed comb wondering "Why is this happening to me? and what could I have done differently?" I mean, it's not like I don't have any anxiety and depression anyway, but let's put ourselves in 30 stupid scenarios that have no way of happening. I don't have enough to worry about, really. Let's add silly shit to the list. *rolls eyes*

So far, being laid up and not being able to do a whole lot for myself,  I have learned to trust the process a little more rather than worry about things and try to control them. I've learned that my body will tell me when and how I need to do things, and there are consequences to it when I do not listen. So, I vow to be kinder to it and myself when I heal and during my recovery. If not, I'm afraid it's going to try to kill me harder.

I am relentless though. I couldn't have done this without my best friend; she has been with me the first week as my nurse/server and also dinner buddy. It feels weird to be on my own, but I am a good patient. I do what the doctor says. I don't push my limits when I don't need to. My family and friends are champions, constantly checking in, bringing food and making sure I am okay. Beyond blessed and grateful to be able to depend on people. 

The upside of being home, however, is being able to be with my boys every day. They are keeping me sane and entertain me with their antics. I still have a long way to go and every day, I get up for them. They lay in bed with me and cuddle when there are bad days, and they meow and throw toys at mama when it's a good day. This entire thing is a rollercoaster ride and I am taking it one day at a time. Just thankful that I am sharing it with these funny boys. 

Cut the shit out!

Okay..okay, let's not get too close. Please, keep a distance of 6ft. That isn't hard..it isn't science. Pretend there is a bullet coming for either of us if we stand closer than that to each other. Because there is. And that bullet is invisible and you only have a small chance of survival to begin with; it doesn't really matter if it was 20 ft long in the shape of Barney. Why? Because we, as the human race, SUCK ass! We are slowly dying off and the reason being?? We cannot follow simple rules!!!

1. Cough into your elbow- If you should just so happen to fuck up and cover your face for that enormously obnoxious sneeze with your hands, then by all means, please go wash them for more than 20 seconds (ABC's, birthday song, Cardi B "Bodak Yellow"- whatever your flavor is) or sanitize them, you lazy POS.

2. Socially Distance 6ft-  I know that you just can't resist and I completely understand, but I need you to stand back for your own safety and mine. When words come out of your mouth, it is followed by spit. I would like to not exchange any bodily fluids unless responsibly and consensually. Kthxbai. Which brings me to my next point.

3. Wear a mask- Find one, make one, buy one. Wear a bandana. You won't offend me for protecting yourself from me and me from yourself. We all appreciate that.

Yay! Epidural time. 

4. Clean and disinfect your work areas- Essentials, if you are working somewhere with the public like I am was**, please double, triple, quadruple whatever corporate cleaning is. They will do the legal minimum; we need to extend that to keep everyone safer. This is just a personal preference. I like knowing you and I are safe.

5. Educate yourself- Please read up on how Covid19 is spread, what the symptoms are, and if there is a testing center nearby. The more you know, the more you will do. I fucking hope!

6. Don't be a Dick- Yes, you have to wait in line. Yes, things are being done differently. Yes, there are changes. Stop, breathe, and ask yourself if you'd act like that with yo mama around! Stop it. You're not the only human with things to do. In fact, if you are not one of the ESSENTIALS, PLEASE GTFO of my way!

**I am currently on leave because of my use of steroids-- no worries, it's not the fun kind that will have me coming back to work looking like a Bosnian Massy Arias (no, she does not use them, I LOVE HER, please check her out). It's the kind that I need to have in order to be at a pain level zero like a whole human being, and it's also currently the one that is lowering my immune system to even below substandard use so I am prone to everything. Last time I was down for 5 days barely mobile, and 9 days sick. 

Blog Day 1- Five ways to win your heart

Hello, my dear readers. It's been a while. Life has been on the up and up lately in most areas and down in others. That is to be expected because...life. It would be boring otherwise and as cliche as it sounds, I just take it day by day. Anyway, I decided a little while back that I was going to do a blog challenge and here it is. Day 1. I am trying to get back to my writing because I have been gone for so long and my block feels like it has been lifted to a point.

Eventually we will get into the daily gripes and conversations, but for right now the topic is "Five ways to win your heart"? So, I am thinking this post could go two ways. I can share the five ways to win my heart or I can emphasize five "ways" that should be taught to little boys in order to win a woman's heart. Period.

Well, if we are talking about my heart, that is in a lot of places lately. All good, no complaints here. I am content with the way my heart life is going. Both literally and figuratively speaking, that is. Wink wink, nudge nudge. And if we are talking about the five ways that should be taught is simple. Teach them chivalry, integrity, kindness, empathy and responsibility. The end.

As for mine..

1. Pay attention
2. Acknowledge my furry kiddos
3. Plan a date
4. Kindness
5. Honesty

Because I don't know what to say lately

Still swinging

Do you ever feel like no matter how many times you swing, you will always come up short? Sometimes the feeling is debilitating because it feels like no matter how hard you try, that you will always almost get it. And we all know- almost doesn't count. In every aspect, I still keep swinging. At some point, life came to a screeching halt. It was like a car going 100 mph hitting a wall. The car is in currently in the shop. I have to still keep swinging.

Just saying.
Speaking of mental health, if you see anyone struggling with life and I understand we all are, just be kind. You don't have to pull out dollar bills or immediately judge the situation. Just be kind. Ask them how they are. Even if you don't believe a word out of their mouth. Even if you're struggling yourself. Connect with a soul out there, because as you can all see, our World is slowly dying. And we are killing it. With every bad decision we all make collectively together, which is why we should all encourage each other to do better and be best, instead of knocking each other down. I stay away from social media just because of that; I do not want to see the arguing unless it's constructive or productive.

I say this, but I am a hypocrite. I still make bad decisions, and I make mistakes. I work hard and I dream and sometimes play harder. I love animals. I pay my taxes. I don't wish anything bad on anyone. I try to do right by everyone. Treat everyone like you want to be treated, right? I personally think that is not technically correct, but that's just me. I can debate why, but I'll save it for the few of you who may be interested enough to ask. So, anyway, I try. That's the point. Isn't it?

Bittersweet existence

Life has a way of knocking you on your ass and then picking you up to dust you off. This year so far has been purely that; short bursts of being flattened against the pavement, followed by a pick me up. I sometimes stop to ask God "Why?", but then I re-evaluate and realize that sometimes I just need to let it be and trust that I will figure it out. I've been on rock bottom before and this time, it will take a lot more to knock me down. It's a bittersweet existence in this world and life treats us like a Sour Patch Kid- first it's sour, then it's sweet. I'll let you know when it gets sweet.

I would like to announce that Bowling Green has me for another year. I accepted a position in another state but that will have to wait cause life be lifing. It seems when there are too many things up in the air, one has extreme anxiety that stops one from being able to function and only live in moments. Not like I would know or anything. *eye roll*. I've invested recently into trying to develop interests and skills that I can use for many years to come, so if you're into adventures, raise your hand or hit your girl up with some ideas. I figure with the way things are going in this country, I may need to be skilled to do 52 jobs to survive, just in case.

Eeek! Tomorrow is Monday! This week is going to be a short week, thankfully. I need a little rest this weekend, as well as some relaxation. I like my job, but after working my ass off this past week, I deserve a little break. It's all about self-care, right?! If this week had gone the way it was supposed to, I would be packing right now. Instead, I have spent my Sunday cleaning, spending time with my friends, and getting things done. All in all, it's been a productive one. I hope Sunday has treated you all right. 

Different America experience

I woke up today, watched the news and cried. I wish the mother-ship would come and take me home  where the world is peaceful and we aren't killing each other because we have different skin colors, or religions, or interests, etc. I don't understand why it's always "us against them". I don't understand why we can't just look at each other like two human beings in this sad world of ours full of injustice anyway. We all have our own America story. We all have our own experience. None of us live in a perfect world and we all have our trials and tribulations.

I wonder why we can't just get along or move along if we don't. I don't understand... It makes me sad. It upsets my soul. I hope it bothers you. I hope you know that if you feel a little danger, a gun is not the first thing you need to pull to disable the danger. A danger that may not end up being a danger at all but because you've been conditioned to believe that someone a little darker than you is an immediate threat. A danger that may have children at home, waiting for him to get home from the grocery store. A danger that is a man in this shitty world just like you are.

So that's how my Sunday began. I wonder what your America experience is. I always call on my readers to write me, and none of you do. But as much as some of you troll on FB and type your opinion where it doesn't matter, why don't you type it somewhere where it may? Like starting difficult conversations about your version of America and sharing it with someone who isn't like you? This world isn't puppies and sunshine. We aren't alone, but everyone is scared to care. And hey..I get it. If your world and your American dream isn't working out and you're bitter..I get it. I've been there and am there on some days. We can still chat about it.

Life is one. My enjoyment and disdain at the same time is sorting through myself, and no one wants to look in the mirror and analyze. Self-analyze. That's scary. We all want to believe we're good, kind, happy and that we try. So do it today. Go to that place of hurt. Understand it. Cry about it. Drink or smoke through it. But understand it. Be honest with yourself to admit when you are wrong, when you've said something racist, sexist or any kind of ism/t that represents your differences from someone else - but admit it. Admit it to yourself. Have that hard conversation with yourself and then find someone else and start it again. Keep working through it, because hate and fear were taught. Our way of "seeing differences" first was instilled by someone, somewhere in our lives; don't be afraid to admit they were wrong!!!




P.S. This was a backdated post from about two weeks ago and finished today. Thankfully it's not Sunday yet.

Okay-ish

So, hello 2018. It's nice to have you. You've been with us for about 3 months now, and as far as I'm concerned, you can slow down a little. Kick your feet up, stay a while. You're passing me up quickly and I have so many life decisions to make keep refusing to make. It's not fair how some years are begged to go on forever while some you pray would go at lightning speed. I'm not sure how to feel about you yet, so stick around.

Well guys, I used to update you all about my life constantly, but I am not really sure anyone reads this blog anymore. I've kept you entertained with my antics and my dark humor. I've shared my student teaching festivities as well as many posts griping about random topics that interest a handful of people. I've tried to make you laugh, make you think, make you even shed a few tears and now I'm not sure where to go with this blog from here. I'm not even sure whether to keep it. I guess this post is a cry of help from a writer who has developed a block, and not just in the writing department.


To update a little bit for the few of you who may care and don't know. I used to do the job, friends, love, family update so I might as well keep up with the blog traditions and continue. I've changed jobs. I no longer work in the trucking industry and in some ways, it's a blessing. No more unset or vague rules, no more bosses instead of leaders, no more policies that just don't benefit anyone but the ones making money. I have not always had such aversion for the transportation industry; it's more developed in this last year when the flood came. I now work in the HR Department at Lowe's. I'm still new and learning, but it's a new adventure.


I've made some new friends, as well as kept more in touch with my old ones. Since the end of 2017 and beginning of 2018, it seems like the floods came for a few of us. Keeping in touch for us doesn't just mean over social media with a few likes and heart eyes emojis on some pictures. I mean, kept in real touch..real world communication such as text messages, phone calls, video chats, visits, etc. I appreciate it all, but I definitely appreciate any of the above more when it was unexpected.


Oh love, where art thou? Bueller? Bueller?...Anyone? Oh wait. No. See, I have a theory about this. Every time I have an interest, it's with someone who is just unattainable. Whether he is physically, emotionally or mentally unattainable, it makes him not able to continue in the proceedings of being hired on as my future anything. And for some reason, God likes to play jokes on me so he magnetizes these men and make me be a part of this magnetism, so that a particular man finds me and then proceeds to waste my time. Yes, I voluntarily do this and blame no one, but I've wisened up.  I've had some laughs. Now it's time to get serious. So, love department, you ask? Closed until further notice. I had a few glimmers of hope, but then I realized...


Family. 2018 has been fun so far and is about to be even more fun. Anna is having surgery in June on her back and mom spent a week in the hospital with staph and pneumonia. Big sis is building a house; I am beyond excited for her and her family. Brother is always brother. We're all making it in some way.


Short and sweet, I used to have a lot to say; I was an open book. Lately, I prefer to be a diary. Only a few get to read and only the ones willing to pick it up for the long term read. Toodles!

Parents

Oh you chose me. For whatever reason you chose to have me. I've often wondered why God said "Those parents!" and just handed me over. Mom, I just never could be a full girl; but as I'm finding out you're not much of one either. Dad, I am the best son you've ever had; I take care of myself and you've never really had to worry about paying for my dresses, books and college. I took care of me. You both have taught me so much and I just cannot thank you enough. It hasn't been an easy road and the fact that it's still unsure is a bit disconcerting.  There are many things you've taught me; there are many things I've had to learn on my own when I wasn't ready. I grew up fast, and hard, I learned things the hard way and I've been put through hell. You've been there times to pick me up and often, it was great timing. I didn't have to ask. I never did.  My dear parents, you tried your best. Of that, I'm pretty sure. I cannot thank you enough for being there for me when I needed you the most and when I didn't think I had it in me to keep going. For some reason, I always found my way back to you; whether it was to visit Dad back home in Croatia, move in with mom or move mom in after life decides to show its ugly side.

What we are meant to be will be

Who did you dream of being as a child? An astronaut exploring space, a nurse wanting to save lives or a teacher who helps students get off the street? What was your ultimate success story while you were an innocent human not knowing what troubles lie ahead?
I wanted to be a lawyer. Actually, no, let me rephrase that. My parents thought I could argue with anyone over anything. They thought I should be a successful lawyer forever arguing my life away. And, so as an 11 year old little girl in a foreign classroom, on career day I decided to look up the curriculum for a lawyer. I saw 6 years of school and thought "I barely know English. There is no way in hell!" Little did I know that I would grow up to love school and imagine myself as a lifetime learner. Now, if I could only get the government to grant me a career as a lifetime student. I mean, they let anyone be president nowadays. For agent orange's fan club, just *insert snarky comment and get off my blog*..for everyone else - "thank you and keep reading".
So, as I grew up I wanted to be a counselor. My 6th grade counselor Ms. E helped me so much that I would like to donate my time and sanity to some children and advise them about life. I mean all we need in life is some TLC and some time with our loved ones. When we grow up, we add people in our lives for short or long periods. It is up to us and them how long they stay and often, they leave us with a companion for life or just a lesson for future experiences.
I went to college and finished for Elementary Education. I had to first teach in the state of KY as an intern and I panicked. I also had a witch for a mentor teacher and she made my life a living hell. She was also very mean to the children, including her own, but no names shall be mentioned. So, I had to teach with a mentor Satan observing me and I panicked. I signed up for graduate school now and am still searching for myself. 
So, as I often ask of you, my dear readers, is usually to share something about your life. No worries. You won't be public. Your answers will help me fuel more people to talk and stop using Facebook as their counseling service. I would like to know what you wanted to be in life? Whether a mom, a sailor, or a truck driver. If you ended up being anything else, I would like to know that as well. I would even go as far as asking what your hobbies are or what you're good at? We often do not run in the directions to make our hobbies our careers, but if you have, I wanna KNOOOOOW!

What we are meant to be is written in the stars and planned just for us? So that would make us puppets and regardless what choices we make, they are leading us to something regardless of what we want or what path we take? If you're Christian, you believe we are made in God's image and that we have free will. So does that mean God had depression and anxiety? That makes sense why he rested on the 7th day.

If you would like to share your religious beliefs as well, we can make that next post topic. I prefer you being honest and respectful.

Ok! The End.

Wait? You're single?

At some point in our lives do we give off a vibe that our expiration date is near and we need to settle down? Is my clock ticking my life away and I am just waiting for something perfect for me? Or is the expiration date near and it gives the okay for guys to treat you like a carton of milk? They commit to the one behind you with a day less on her spoiled stage. It seems that even my mother has a higher chance to meet someone to love than I do. This isn't really for the lack of trying, but in reality I do have a "No Loser" policy and it goes in effect once in a while.
For example, I meet one, like one, imagine our life, do one and never have ones time again. So meet, like, fuck, marry, and kill. The five elements of any "I am thirty two years old and am starting to collect animals" club.

So, no I am not 32; I am 25 with 7 years experience. In all reality, I am a little kid who works overtime and pays bills. I pay my taxes, I'm nice to older people, I am a people person, and I will probably be able to put your child to sleep and get your animal to love me immediately. Seriously. That's wifey material right there if I ever saw it. But no, I work a lot, and the only place I would meet someone would be in gym when I go once or twice a month, or at work. I meet many people at work, but some of them are just lost causes and I can't fix any more people. I am not the Red Cross and I love me more than you. I want a partner. I want someone who is prepared to be ever thine, ever mine, ever ours. Gabi out.  . . . . drops mike. Literally.

On female sexuality.

Sexuality- noun

- capacity for sexual feelings

- a person's sexual preference

- sexual activity

In today's age when we count everyone's good times and judge every person's notches, how much sexuality is good sexuality? How much fun time can we have before someone calls us a whore or call a man a womanizer? And the misuse of the word "whore" just pisses me off. Don't call me that; I'm not getting paid for it. Do you really think I would be on the struggle bus if that was the case? Bish, please.
We live in a world where sexuality is measured by how many partners we have, to how often we want it. So, how many people have you slept with? What is your body count? Ew. We get asked that in relationships, by our doctors, by our friends and sometimes even by family. That's too creepy.  In relationships, why does that even matter? In case you're wondering about my health, it's fine thank you, but why the fuck do you have the need to know how many people I have slept with? I'm not sure how anyone else feels about this but to me it's just one of those things to laugh off and never talk about. If you're really comfortable with the person and you don't think they will judge you or not believe you if it's low or high, go ahead. If you're really SURE. I mean if you are really, really relationship sure; this little tidbit can ruin your situation. And it's not soap- I didn't get used up. In fact, I learned tricks!

When the doctor asks you, then it's just uncomfortable. You have to remember how many partners you have, so you sit in the doctor's office imagining the face to those 4, 24, 36 or 78 guys you have slept with. Not only are you trying to put a name to a face and face to a name, now the memories flood and you sit there with A- a stupid grin or smile on your face or B- utmost disgust because of some of those memories. You then look up at the individual who is now TOTALLY judging you for the number you said. So when this happens to me, and it does every new relationship, it pisses me off. Not only do I have to relive my great, good, bad and ugly decisions, but I have to take shit from some nurse who didn't have enough balls to become a doctor or a nurse practitioner? HELL NO.

Friends will ask you and if they are anything like mine, they know it all and well, I mean ALL. Yours won't judge you unless they are that way anyway, and I'm pretty sure at this point in your friendship you know how they are. Mine are amazing. I can talk about anything with them and offer pictures. Of the guy! Not of that! Now I know my blog is R rated, but I don't go that far. :)

These are the days of our lives

Happy SaturYAY readers!  There is not a day more glorious than Saturday.  I tanned a little and played by the pool with my sister and her friends. It was so funny to hear 20 something year olds talk about life while you, the big sister drink in hand is contemplating how much damage your skin would get if you fell asleep drinking? I watched my all time favorite show all day, worked a little, designed a little and now I'm writing a little. I am interested in your stories as well as your questions if you have anything to ask in ways of advice, business ideas or if you just want to talk about your hobbies or ways you volunteer or give to others. I am doing a little project and would like to see who really reads this blog and what can I do for however many of you that there is. There is a tiny little spot in my black little heart that tells me to care. And I do and have. I want to help. Words are all that can give now and I read really well. Your identity will never be published, unless you want to be famous in my tiny little blogosphere. Think of my blog as a column in some wild non-existing newspaper that talks about our real life issues in real life actually by a real live person. This is just a personal project of my own. Consider it as if your little big life is my one great adventure.  Also, my dear readers, just because I am interested in you doesn't mean I won't write a little about myself in between on days when I feel like the Cat Woman I am. :) P.S. Your dearest is buying a house and is opening a little side gig. With help of many friends for editing, logo, investments, and free labor. Cause who doesn't love to work with their friends over some mimosas, pool and trees?