Situationship

For the life of me, I do not understand why I just can't get this love part down. My experience is all but standard- I did not get married straight out of high school or college, I didn't have children with the first man I settled down with, I didn't choose a forever partner- I've had great loves and they weren't my forever people. However, what I did notice is that most of my partners got coupled, engaged or married with the person after me. I guess me not having luck didn't necessarily mean that I wasn't lucky for others. I am a month away from being 40 and I am just as lost today as I was at 20. In adulthood, I keep running into emotionally unavailable men of all ages who are still working out what they truly want or who they truly want and I somehow get it in my head that I can help them sort it. Or the fairy tale thinking that I am that one. A friend of mine in the UK and I were speaking about this sort of thing a couple of days ago and he mentioned the casual dating vibe the US gave him when he was working here. It sparked a lovely conversation but also made me realize that maybe it's not me- maybe I'm dating in the wrong country.😂

Done. Definitely done trying to help other people sort their own baggage on me and not with me. I need help as well! I need sorting! Seriously, where is he? I have been dating since I was 15!! Why is it that it's so much easier focusing on someone else's needs rather than your own? I have been saying all of 2025 that I wanted to be cared for, I craved to be loved and I wanted my person. This isn't some sculpted creature perfect for me that fits into that "tall, dark and handsome" category; it's someone who chooses me even when it's hard. That's what I believe love is and it's not easy for me either. When I get my feelings hurt or I feel betrayed, I act like a raccoon in a trash bag because all my fears based on history resurface and I like keeping the past in the past. It's hard to come back from that, plus rebuilding something that wasn't yours to begin with just doesn't seem like the focus anymore. I've run into grown men who would like to commit or at least that's what they say, but somehow not fully and not to me. I've had the boys as well who are just committed to the bachelor vibe calling themselves vagabonds, interested in the sex but not the relationship.

Since the retreat, I have been more open to possibilities of change because I've truly felt like I've been changing all year. The grief, the losses, the lack of TLC by people who I thought loved me most has changed me. And just like the shadows, the light has been a great part of my life this year as well. People held me while I cried and slept, witnessed me experience extreme sadness, joy and have revelations about my life journey. It's been a beautiful and destructible ride all year. I've witnessed my own death and rebirth several times through losing jobs, money, friendships, possibilities of relationships- it's been wild, y'all. Change is inevitable, and there are still a few people in my life that have stuck with me through the good, the bad and the ugly. I am eternally grateful. I am also thankful for the ones who have passed through my life in seasons teaching me what I want more of and what I don't want. Everyone teaches you something- I just had to detach myself from the outcome to see it for what it really is. I am open to change- the change within myself to grow into the woman I am meant to be, the change in expectations and fluidity of intimacy, the change in financial livelihood and an open heart to being a beginner again. 

Toodles!