No one is coming

No one is coming to save you. No one is coming to intentionally empathize or change your life. No one is coming to wipe your face, or dust the dirt off your petticoat. That's what I've realized this year; like truly, wholly realized. It hit me like a wet towel across my face when I got yet another call with bad news on the other line about my physical body. There is no one out there that's going to save you from life, from pain, from rejection, from living with yourself. You have to learn to pour into yourself because your heart, your body, your mind, your spirit...are the first home you have. Only one person that truly will be there for you- is you. And you better get your stuff together girl, cause no one is coming!

First thing, I have recently experienced a disappointment in how my love life was going. It's okay. I'm an idiot...again. I shouldn't have let myself slip for someone that wasn't available to catch me, or willing. In his defense, he warned me. I had faux hope- lesson learned. I am changing that pattern because it doesn't serve the person I am becoming. I am stepping into my full feminine and that takes lots of vulnerability and growth. Not everyone can handle that and that is okay. Sometimes, people tell you or show you that you're too much; you just need a man with bigger hands. Next thing- I have recently experienced love and intimacy which has opened me up to the desire of dating again. The desire to be wanted, loved, cared for, impressed, and honestly? Claimed. Last thing, the same person that has disappointed me has also shown me what I am capable of when it comes to relationships, no matter how complicated. I'm thankful. I've learned I want more understanding, less reading between the lines and more of the "Do you want to be mine- circle yes or no."

We often are not very forward with each other. We hide behind masks, we project insecurities and aggravations on others, we perform what our parents taught us or how life molded us. I have decided this year early on that I was going to be radically honest about everything. That is how we grow, how we evolve, how we become- in truth. I was born and raised in a not very honest family, and then add the dishonesty of the world, the greed, manipulations, the omission of truth and BOOM! You get human beings in fear of communication and touch, which are the most important senses. We forgot how to just BE. We are so busy doing, setting goals, running after money and nose-deep in the technology that we have forgotten about the importance of making memories without media.

I have a fantastic retreat coming up with amazing humans in the NY mountains. To meet, to hug, to connect with and speak my truth. To grow, remember, unplug and just BE with. The 16 year old girl inside me has been SCREAMING that she needs a safe space, a quiet, loving space, a soft space for months. She has been begging for life, for love, for connection, for romance and all she has gotten is death, disappointment, an inferiority complex, and soft rejections. Now, one thing that the adult me has figured out is how to compartmentalize and just keep swimming. I have to for survival, focus on me. Life has smacked me in the face and this retreat is perfect, Divine timing!

Toodles! 

First home

Look, I was never known for having small feelings. Everything I've ever felt has always felt immense and loud which means that the feelings that are already loud and achy were extra that and anything good felt amazing. This is wonderful to have until something bad happens; then it's torturous. And life be lifing a whole lot lately! I grew up not being able to express myself fully, and often being shushed or shut down when I showed emotions or expressed feelings, so when I became a teenager I often acted out in order to let the suffocated into silence energy out of me. I was also in a foreign land trying to assimilate and unspoken hormones were directing my actions. I started hanging out with all the people my mother didn't want me around. I wanted to do everything opposite of what my stepfather said. I was noticing holes in my most important pillars, and I needed a way out.

My voice mattered then, and it matters now. Of course, when I was a teenager, I wasn't aware of that so the agreement that I adopted then was that I was "too loud, too much, too emotional, too aware, too outspoken, too everything but at the same time not enough." I often hid myself and did what individual friends or groups wanted me to do. I was smoking cigarettes at 7, I tried weed and alcohol at 13, I was sexually active at 15. I tried to fit in. It worked until it didn't- my body is intuitive. Your body is intuitive- it knows what you need. It recognizes people, places and patterns of behavior so it gives you butterflies and chills when you're around someone you're attracted to but also a sense of cold sweat or pain when it's warning you about something or someone. All you have to do is be quiet and pay attention. I wish I knew that then because I would have saved myself lots of heartaches.

Fast forward to today, and I am learning daily to listen to my body. It's my first home regardless of the country it was born in or the parents it was granted to. My first and only true home that will reflect how I take care of her daily is my precious body. Recently, I received information from my doctor that my body already was privy to. At 27, I was gifted this gentle pause of degenerative disc dis-ease mainly in my cervical spine and some arthritis in my lumbar and hips. Now at 39, I have arthritis in my entire spine, degenerating discs in both lumbar and cervical plus new degeneration of my SI joints. My body was yelling this since 2025 started. She howled every time I sat in the car for longer than a few hours. She shouted every time I binged watched a season or 5 of some serial killer show. She bawled every time I didn't take care of myself that day. She is screaming now and I have to listen. 

I am terrified. I am staying off Google because I am not about to psych myself out. I am going to focus on PT, and a re-test in 3 months for some of the other things that showed on my lab work. My 5 year plan is not going to include a motorized scooter or wheelchair. Neither will my 10 to 40 year plan. FUCK THAT! Like a friend of mine says "God's going to have to catch me." 

Covid Chronicles

Hello, my dear readers! 

This girl has COVID and has it kind of rough. Go figure I get it when I planned a road trip weekend! These past couple of months have not been kind to my physical or my mental health. It seems I take a step forward and 5 back; I know that life is trying to teach me lessons but can I have a small break? I’ve learned them- over and over. Don’t play with boys that don’t plan a future and don’t lick people’s faces? Were those it?! Cause lessons learned! 

On a brighter note, I get to be home with my boys and since my depression has been rearing its ugly head lately, I can try and use this home time to center myself again. One problem I can see is the isolation, but with all the stimuli I’ve gotten lately it would be relaxing to just be home alone. Stitch also makes it super easy to be alone. He cuddles, he lays against me when I have fevers and he watches over me while I’m sick. Most people aren’t that comforting.

Mushu, on the other hand is currently wrapped around my feet, clawing and biting me...with love. Every time I don’t feel good he tries to entertain me with his antics and I love that. I could use the good mood. Today has been rough- fevers on and off. With those comes the high blood pressure and the ringing in the ears, as well as body aches, sniffles and a sore throat. I feel horrible! Thank God for great friends- Aaron brought me drinks and snacks and Iva is making sarma which are stuffed cabbage rolls! I usually get some at Christmas, but since I had a horrendous Christmas, I didn’t get to eat any. Also, my mother never brought me a plate like she said she would. Anyways, that’s my reality for right now people! Struggle is real!

Until next time, toodles!

So, therapy

So, therapy taught me that more people need to go. I think the next time I am ready to put myself out there, that’s what’s going to say on my Hinge app. All therapy is, is you being a responsible human who wants to coexist well with other people? We all need a little TLC. I mean, your brain deserves it and those who love you- or are trying to- deserve it as well! 

Currently, I am healing. I miss him. Looking back opened my eyes to a few things we should have both paid attention to from the beginning. Man, we sped things up and it felt great doing it. Trauma did that. One beautiful thing he taught me- hope!! I can do this. I know what I need in love, in relationships and it all begins with hope!

I am also currently missing a yoga studio so badly. Luckily, we are still getting together sometimes for pop up Buti classes. It has made me realize how much I love having this community around me in my daily life and how much I miss having it around. Most of the things in my life that were keeping me together have started slipping in some way, shape or form lately and it is driving me up the wall. I keep getting caught up in my own shit, and if you stay in it long enough it starts not to smell. I am trying so hard to come out of it. 

Sometimes, I truly can’t wait for my person. That man who is going to hear everything that I have to say, but will take only the important things to heart. The one who will take this world on with me, not fight with me about it. It’s not easy living as a minority in 2023, and a woman at that, but that’s a story for another time. Or stories. #metoo

Toodles.

it's me, again

 Hello, my dear readers.. I wonder how many of you are left and still reading? Or every now and again, typing the link in or clicking on a favorite's button, just hoping that I have written something? I know I have; checked my own, that is.  I can't tell you how many times I have written a few lines, and just hoped it gave birth to more sentences by the morning. Then I'd read it and realize it just didn't have that something, so I delete it. Then I wait a few days weeks, and do it all over again. I've had a few of my old readers ask me why I am not writing anymore, as well as a few new ones. The main reason is I go to therapy and I guess all my thoughts I process in an actual journal and with my therapist. I have been trying to do that more out loud. I also can't help when I verbal diarrhea all over people sometimes. My screen comes down, and a lot of different me's come out. Sometimes at work, my hood side comes out and I think "oh shit, this is the day I get fired", but thankfully, most of the manager boys take what I spew with a grain of salt. So far, methinks. Or at least they're grown and some of them know to communicate if I've hurt their feelings.

I'm going to go crazy without work for the next 6 weeks. I am currently laid up because I've had spinal surgery. Yay, getting old for me is a blast! I am a 35 year old in a 65 year old's body, apparently. This is a mix of bad genetics, life, bad posture, a few car accidents and bad decisions sprinkled on top. Being laid up for days or weeks at a time gets you to ponder on your decisions in life, so naturally I have been going through mine with a fine toothed comb wondering "Why is this happening to me? and what could I have done differently?" I mean, it's not like I don't have any anxiety and depression anyway, but let's put ourselves in 30 stupid scenarios that have no way of happening. I don't have enough to worry about, really. Let's add silly shit to the list. *rolls eyes*

So far, being laid up and not being able to do a whole lot for myself,  I have learned to trust the process a little more rather than worry about things and try to control them. I've learned that my body will tell me when and how I need to do things, and there are consequences to it when I do not listen. So, I vow to be kinder to it and myself when I heal and during my recovery. If not, I'm afraid it's going to try to kill me harder.

I am relentless though. I couldn't have done this without my best friend; she has been with me the first week as my nurse/server and also dinner buddy. It feels weird to be on my own, but I am a good patient. I do what the doctor says. I don't push my limits when I don't need to. My family and friends are champions, constantly checking in, bringing food and making sure I am okay. Beyond blessed and grateful to be able to depend on people. 

The upside of being home, however, is being able to be with my boys every day. They are keeping me sane and entertain me with their antics. I still have a long way to go and every day, I get up for them. They lay in bed with me and cuddle when there are bad days, and they meow and throw toys at mama when it's a good day. This entire thing is a rollercoaster ride and I am taking it one day at a time. Just thankful that I am sharing it with these funny boys. 

How are you, really?

Hello, my dear bloggers!!!

How are you all? How are you managing in this crazy world of ours? 2020 has been shit. I mean the pandemic has really made a huge impact on the entire world, overseas and here. I worry about both, because I have family in both. I hope everyone is staying safe, wearing masks and staying a 6 ft. distance from others. As an empath, I completely feel how this has impacted most of you. On top of that, most of us deal with daily bull in our lives anyway whether it's work, family or personally related. And if this isn't the cherry on top of it all, some of us deal with mental health issues that make life that much harder to swim through. We must keep swimming, tho!

Now, there's that one thing that no one wants to talk about...Mental health! We actually would have to sit in our feelings and talk about them then. Haha! Well, starts with me first! 

Today was rough for me. I'm a big girl and I admit my things. All my things, cause how are you otherwise able to grow from them? In my conversations with family, I've found out a lot of things over the course of a few weeks regarding health, financial stress overseas, work stress and personal issues. It's rough anyway plus sprinkle 2020 all over it. I have to take deep breaths and I have to ground myself most of the time to only focus on things I can control and that are in my power to change. But I feel....All of the things. So when I ask people how they are, I truly mean how are you..to your core?

Thankfully, 4th of July has passed and for me that brings back a lot of bad. This year it affected me differently, and even though I was spending it with friends, it wasn't going the way I needed it to. This 2020 anxiety is a lot different. It's a surprise every time my PTSD wants to wake up. Most of the time I can control and figure out how to human again, but sometimes it takes me on a different adventure. This year, thank God, I breathed through every firework unseen like a champ, although my heart was pounding out of my chest. I like that my neighborhood obeyed the 11pm rule, and did not go past that, but there were some in the distance that I still heard well into the am hours. I know this is a time to celebrate for most of my American brothers and sisters, but damn man. For us war refugees..for us with PTSD, you're killing us once a year. Not just once a year, but several days before and after your one day of celebration. It's rough! 

*Steps down off my little soapbox*

So, how are you, really? 

Welp

I was watching the other day what the current president of my country was saying, and to be honest, it doesn't surprise me anymore. I'm worried that I am starting to get "used to" the things that come out of his mouth. It means I'm starting to normalize it and internalize it, and NO!!! That is NOT something that is normal. At all. Among other reasons, I don't have any form of news on my TV, but he is for sure one of the main ones. When I do decide to clue in- which is at least once a week like a citizen should- I often laugh at what I find. I do not hold back my despisement of him, or of his tactics and general existence. I didn't like him before; why would I now? Lord..especially now. I can't stand how he is handling this situation. We are supposed to be listening to the president for some comfort and something smart or knowledgeable to say. The bar doesn't even have to be that high; at least not tell people to drink bleach. 2020...VOTE, y'all and THINK hard about your choices! CHOOSE WISELY!

I am going back to work tomorrow today. Insomnia has kicked in and I am writing. I have built up my immune system, I have done enough work on myself and my health to feel "safer" going back. Now that everyone is mandated to wear a mask (at least the associates), I can breathe a little easier- pun intended. Oh, wait. You mean to tell me there are still people not doing what they are supposed to do? Oh, okay. And our country is reopening? Oh, okay. We have had the highest numbers, with numbers still mostly rising? Oh, okay. Welp. May the Goddess help us and may we all be safe.

Regardless of being a little terrified of the general public nowadays and really sick of the entitled pricks, I am excited to see my work family. It's been three weeks! I imagine it's going to be a long day and I spent the day mentally preparing for my first day back. I took the day to relax and not think about work at all, but just do what I felt like doing. I did some laundry, set out an outfit being all proactive and whatnot, danced in the long, hot shower and chatted with some friends. Not to mention, I got to video chat with some eye candy that's stuck in the mother country for his birthday, so all in all, a good damn day..and now night.

I think I am finally going to try to sleep. I hope tomorrow goes by as quickly as it can so I can be back at home with my boys. It's going to suck to be without them to cuddle with every moment or to kiss on. If they would let me bring my dog to work, I'd stay there as long as they needed me to. Just no one touch him. Do you see what World we live in today?! 6 ft. back, ma'am/sir!

Good night! Toodles!

Blog Day 4- Bullet your whole day

Well, Day 4.. This is awkward. I have to "bullet my whole day". Sometimes, there are private things in my day which are no one's concern; I'll skip those - you're welcome.

7:30 AM - 1st Alarm on the watch- I opened my eyes and snoozed the alarm. I looked immediately down and Stitch is lying on his back snuggled up next to my side. I wasn't about to get up.
7:40 AM - 2nd Alarm on the watch- I shut it off.
8:00 AM - 3rd Alarm on the phone- I snoozed.
8:15 AM - I finally got up, get Stitch to potty, feed Oreo and get myself ready for work.
9:00 AM - Work!
2:00 PM- Manager meeting
6:00 PM- Drove home in the pouring rain to grab Stitch and my nephew Dario's birthday card (Happy 20th Birthday!!!! My God, you're no longer a teen).
9:10 PM- Home Sweet Home!!! Oreo is mad, so he waited for us at the door while pounding on the glass, because we were gone "so long".
Whenever PM- Bedtime. I don't have one. I am an adult errant child. I cannot make myself go to bed at a decent time to save my life, and I probably should. I'm working on it..I hear it's good for the skin to get 8 hours of sleep. With the amount of wrinkles and gray hairs that 2019 brought, I'm doing pretty good to get any sleep and go out of the house wearing pants and matching shoes. #WINNING


Well, that's all folks. On to the next subject.

Because I don't know what to say lately

Against the wall

Hello. It's me. Dear Jesus, thank you. God, if you're listening, I'm grateful. I'm struggling, but I cannot believe how you answer my prayers. If you do not directly influence me, then thank you for sending people my way. I'm especially thankful for a few just today. It means a lot to me that you believe in me, that you think of me and that you help me in any way I need it. Guys, tho..seriously. Thanks for asking, texting, wishing, praying, paying and everything else in between. You have made me cry in joy, and God only knows I can never repay you. Thank you to theether, Anna, for your smiling face that I saw at lunch even if it was for a few minutes. Thank you to my theether from another mister, Hana, you're the real MVP. You've been my GPS, my photographer and my delivery woman all week. Thank you big sister, Manuela, for my 2nd tests and your words of encouragement throughout this week. I love you. 

That brings me to my second point. I cannot schedule these tests until way later in June it seems like which switches my plans a little LOT. It just seems like every time I try to do something in the education field, it's cursed to fail before it begins. It's frustrating. Life is frustrating. I am so frustrated I could scream. Or go for ice cream. I think I'll take a yogurt instead and plan a vacation if my dream doesn't work out this year. C'est la vie!! So hello guys, how's your Thirsty Thursday going? Is everyone still alive- y'all make it out okay?

Just wanted to make sure that this Thursday didn't end up with some victims. Much love. 

What we are meant to be will be

Who did you dream of being as a child? An astronaut exploring space, a nurse wanting to save lives or a teacher who helps students get off the street? What was your ultimate success story while you were an innocent human not knowing what troubles lie ahead?
I wanted to be a lawyer. Actually, no, let me rephrase that. My parents thought I could argue with anyone over anything. They thought I should be a successful lawyer forever arguing my life away. And, so as an 11 year old little girl in a foreign classroom, on career day I decided to look up the curriculum for a lawyer. I saw 6 years of school and thought "I barely know English. There is no way in hell!" Little did I know that I would grow up to love school and imagine myself as a lifetime learner. Now, if I could only get the government to grant me a career as a lifetime student. I mean, they let anyone be president nowadays. For agent orange's fan club, just *insert snarky comment and get off my blog*..for everyone else - "thank you and keep reading".
So, as I grew up I wanted to be a counselor. My 6th grade counselor Ms. E helped me so much that I would like to donate my time and sanity to some children and advise them about life. I mean all we need in life is some TLC and some time with our loved ones. When we grow up, we add people in our lives for short or long periods. It is up to us and them how long they stay and often, they leave us with a companion for life or just a lesson for future experiences.
I went to college and finished for Elementary Education. I had to first teach in the state of KY as an intern and I panicked. I also had a witch for a mentor teacher and she made my life a living hell. She was also very mean to the children, including her own, but no names shall be mentioned. So, I had to teach with a mentor Satan observing me and I panicked. I signed up for graduate school now and am still searching for myself. 
So, as I often ask of you, my dear readers, is usually to share something about your life. No worries. You won't be public. Your answers will help me fuel more people to talk and stop using Facebook as their counseling service. I would like to know what you wanted to be in life? Whether a mom, a sailor, or a truck driver. If you ended up being anything else, I would like to know that as well. I would even go as far as asking what your hobbies are or what you're good at? We often do not run in the directions to make our hobbies our careers, but if you have, I wanna KNOOOOOW!

What we are meant to be is written in the stars and planned just for us? So that would make us puppets and regardless what choices we make, they are leading us to something regardless of what we want or what path we take? If you're Christian, you believe we are made in God's image and that we have free will. So does that mean God had depression and anxiety? That makes sense why he rested on the 7th day.

If you would like to share your religious beliefs as well, we can make that next post topic. I prefer you being honest and respectful.

Ok! The End.

Wait? You're single?

At some point in our lives do we give off a vibe that our expiration date is near and we need to settle down? Is my clock ticking my life away and I am just waiting for something perfect for me? Or is the expiration date near and it gives the okay for guys to treat you like a carton of milk? They commit to the one behind you with a day less on her spoiled stage. It seems that even my mother has a higher chance to meet someone to love than I do. This isn't really for the lack of trying, but in reality I do have a "No Loser" policy and it goes in effect once in a while.
For example, I meet one, like one, imagine our life, do one and never have ones time again. So meet, like, fuck, marry, and kill. The five elements of any "I am thirty two years old and am starting to collect animals" club.

So, no I am not 32; I am 25 with 7 years experience. In all reality, I am a little kid who works overtime and pays bills. I pay my taxes, I'm nice to older people, I am a people person, and I will probably be able to put your child to sleep and get your animal to love me immediately. Seriously. That's wifey material right there if I ever saw it. But no, I work a lot, and the only place I would meet someone would be in gym when I go once or twice a month, or at work. I meet many people at work, but some of them are just lost causes and I can't fix any more people. I am not the Red Cross and I love me more than you. I want a partner. I want someone who is prepared to be ever thine, ever mine, ever ours. Gabi out.  . . . . drops mike. Literally.

On female sexuality.

Sexuality- noun

- capacity for sexual feelings

- a person's sexual preference

- sexual activity

In today's age when we count everyone's good times and judge every person's notches, how much sexuality is good sexuality? How much fun time can we have before someone calls us a whore or call a man a womanizer? And the misuse of the word "whore" just pisses me off. Don't call me that; I'm not getting paid for it. Do you really think I would be on the struggle bus if that was the case? Bish, please.
We live in a world where sexuality is measured by how many partners we have, to how often we want it. So, how many people have you slept with? What is your body count? Ew. We get asked that in relationships, by our doctors, by our friends and sometimes even by family. That's too creepy.  In relationships, why does that even matter? In case you're wondering about my health, it's fine thank you, but why the fuck do you have the need to know how many people I have slept with? I'm not sure how anyone else feels about this but to me it's just one of those things to laugh off and never talk about. If you're really comfortable with the person and you don't think they will judge you or not believe you if it's low or high, go ahead. If you're really SURE. I mean if you are really, really relationship sure; this little tidbit can ruin your situation. And it's not soap- I didn't get used up. In fact, I learned tricks!

When the doctor asks you, then it's just uncomfortable. You have to remember how many partners you have, so you sit in the doctor's office imagining the face to those 4, 24, 36 or 78 guys you have slept with. Not only are you trying to put a name to a face and face to a name, now the memories flood and you sit there with A- a stupid grin or smile on your face or B- utmost disgust because of some of those memories. You then look up at the individual who is now TOTALLY judging you for the number you said. So when this happens to me, and it does every new relationship, it pisses me off. Not only do I have to relive my great, good, bad and ugly decisions, but I have to take shit from some nurse who didn't have enough balls to become a doctor or a nurse practitioner? HELL NO.

Friends will ask you and if they are anything like mine, they know it all and well, I mean ALL. Yours won't judge you unless they are that way anyway, and I'm pretty sure at this point in your friendship you know how they are. Mine are amazing. I can talk about anything with them and offer pictures. Of the guy! Not of that! Now I know my blog is R rated, but I don't go that far. :)

As it pertains now

My dear bloggers, It's been a while since I have written mainly because I feel like I have nothing to say. I work, I come home to eat and sleep, play with my dog and repeat. Every chance in which I get to change my reality, I take it. Sometimes I go to a girlfriend's house, have wine and gripe about my daily life. Mainly, I stay home, and enjoy visits from my friends and some family. 

 I have much to say lately but unknown to my conscious mind how to put all that into words, so until my heart can allow me to speak again, then my fingers will do their magic. Until then I just leave you with a few songs..

Back from the dead

I have taken the past month off from blogging because you, as my readers, deserve to be entertained and not depressed when you're reading my blog. I have been going through some things lately, a lot of which I wish not to talk about, but just know I am back and back for good. I am still working out the kinks in my life to truly be the woman that I wish to be. At this point in my life I am making myself my number one priority, because while I love my best friends and family, you guys can't help me with this. I have to do it all on my own. And so far, it's a damn good beginning.  P.S. I love each and every one of you deeply. Stay true to yourself. Be yourself. Be beautiful. Be a good human being. Help people. Love more. Trust more. Experience more. Take the leap. Fall in love.

Move over, fat ass

Okay, so most of you know I have been losing weight since last year and the last time I blogged anything healthy was that I was 138or9 lbs.

Well, today I come to you weighing at a whopping 150lbs and UNHAPPY! I have gained most of my weight back and it's a little discouraging. I have been going to the gym as frequently as I can, which used to be every day and now I'm good if I can get a couple of days in. Many people are saying I am just building muscle and it weighs more than fat bla bla bla. I say I'm just back to being a fat ass who needs to go back to calorie counting.

Seriously?! This weight problem is annoying. I mean Jesus H. Christ on wheels, I have battled with it my whole life. Can a girl get a fucking break? It seems like I take one step forward and two steps backwards.
Well, it's time to fucking do something about it. From today, I am trying to eat better, cook more, eat junk less, be more active, be less bitchy (moderately less), be more happy! I am leaving for Bosnia in a month and a half and I want to have a fabulous body when I get there. Or at least, one I can be kind of proud of.

You don't understand..My people are judgmental little fucks. They are all thin and beautiful back in the mother country; high heels and motherfucking tiaras. I am NOT even exaggerating. I need to be HOT! Okay, enough of my pity party. I just need to stop whining and do it. I hate cooking with a passion. When it comes to cooking for myself, I'd rather skin a bear. It's not that I don't have a sense for it; I mean anyone can Google a recipe and copy it. It's just that I'm fucking lazy and want it fast. When my belly grumbles and lets me know "hey we're hungry", I want food then, not wait a damn half hour prep time, hour cook time and 15 minutes cleaning time. I want it NOW! 

Also, grocery shopping?! Ain't nobody got time for that!

In other news, lookie what my family did. Extremely proud of both of them for sticking by their promise and getting the tattoo with me. My older sister is a different story. Chickenshit.

Lately, I've been feeling..

Like I'm not good enough. Like whatever good I have done in the world will never outshine the bad. Like I'm a bad sister, friend, daughter, grand-daughter. Sometimes, these feelings end up taking my life over and in my own eyes, I don't measure up. It's amazing how the people in our lives can either build us or destroy us. They can influence our self-esteem, they can influence our footprint in this world, they have the power, but only if we let them have control. I've let it happen for too long. I haven't had someone build me in a really long time.

Lately, I've been anti-social. I just want to sit on my couch, and watch my Dexter marathon on Netflix and eat something not good for me. It may have something to do with March. It may very well be because I am dealing with a butt-load of emotions since it's been a year since my step-dad died or it may be because for the first time in my life, I have no one. I have a few friends and my family, but no one to really sit and hash things out with. No one to talk to about my deepest, darkest secrets or my hopes and dreams, no one to lean on, to depend on, to feel like myself around, to just relax with. My roommate, so far, is handling all of that herself, but with her one job and school and my two jobs, the only time I see her is gym time and that time is to put work in and to sweat. We have a few talks in the hours we do see each other and I'm thrilled she is in my life. I probably would have been hanging from my ceiling if it hadn't been for her.

I've noticed that for the past two years, I have completely changed the person I am. I used to be fun, I used to be talkative, I used to be social and I was everyone's friend. So many people leaned on me and confided in me. So many people loved me and were grateful I'm their friend. So many people knew the real me. I'm not the same person I used to be. Something dark has taken over my life and it has left only a small shell of my former self. That is my fault. I let my life be controlled. I let my life pass me by. I let people influence how I felt, how I loved, who I was, my friendships, my finances and where I lived.

No more. I am letting go and starting over, but first I have to deal with my dark times. I have to get knocked down to the bottom and I'm pretty close. I have to fall down into a bottle of alcohol before I get out. I have to relive my failed relationships and learn my mistakes. I have to get rid of my baggage before I can make room for anyone in my life. I have to let go.


Thank you, Obama-care. This chickie is about to get therapy. I wonder if they have couples counseling for anyone who wants to come with me?

I'm done

I'm done trusting you. I'm done trying with you. There is no more hope left. You have betrayed me in every aspect of my life and I don't want to build a life with someone who continuously stabs me in the back. I'd rather be alone. I kept coming back, kept attempting to love you like I did. I kept coming back thinking "This time will be different", but every time I came back, more secrets and lies poured out. And I just can't. This is the end of my line. I'm at the end of my rope. My heart has been broken by you so many times and I cannot give it to you anymore. You were supposed to keep it safe. You were supposed to mend the hurt and make sure that you put it back together. I would never do what you have done to me. I have made my mistakes and I have fixed them. You continue to make yours and think I'm going to be okay with it because I love you. It doesn't work that way. You have turned into the most vindictive and spiteful human being I have ever met and this isn't the person I want to be with. I don't need to watch my back around the ones I love the most.

I don't have to name all the fucked up shit you did. I'm hoping you know it. I'm hoping you are halfway a decent human being and you know every single lie you told, every single hurt you brought up on me purposely, every single betrayal, every single untold information. I hope it haunts you. I hope you can't sleep knowing you could have fixed all of it and chose not to. I never wanted my freedom until you became my prison. You became everything I hated about myself and I hope one day, someone "loves" you like you "loved" me.

I need someone who will respect me in EVERY way even when he is mad, hurt by me or upset with me not talk to other girls or lie to me to "pay me back" or hurt me. I need someone to cherish me, be honest with me, be proud of me, show me off, be lovey with me, take care of me, care about me, trust me, consider me in everything he does. I need to be the girl he can't get out of his head, he can't sleep or breathe without. I need to be the girl he would kill or die for. I need to be his one and ONLY.

Thank you for proving to me that I was an idiot for ever trusting a word that has come out of your mouth. You are incapable of love, you are incapable of being a decent human being, you think the world owes you something, you think you're God's gift to women, and you think you are always right. Well, let me teach you something. NO ONE IS RIGHT in love. If you truly love someone, being right will never be more important, lying will never even be an issue, and doing things on purpose to the one you "love" because the person has hurt you somehow would never occur.

I told you once, I want to keep your friendship. Maybe years later we can look back on this and laugh. Maybe I'll never be able to look at you again. Right now, I'm so indifferent. It's almost as if I don't care anymore. This cold has swept over my heart and the only thing I have left is my hatred towards you and your actions. When the one you love the most betrays you, your world falls apart. You should know. Your ex wife did it to you and you sent karma to the wrong girl. I was always the wrong girl.

Sometimes it's the little things

So, I've been going crazy with all the stuff that has been going on in my life. The break up, the getting back together, finding out he was talking to a couple of someone else's while I begged for another chance, I mean, he claimed he planned on marrying me. Although, I think this was just something to say to get me back, it worked. Feeling like I was cheated on, lied to, like my life and all my plans were literally taken from underneath my feet, my heart re-breaking into a million tiny pieces (good luck to the next one is all I have to say; he will have to cement that shit back on).

I spoke to a couple of good friends of mine last night. Actually, the irony is I spoke to the two that he hated so much and thought they posed a threat, but yet they stood up for him in some ways. The thing is, the threat was really in him. He was afraid of a lot of things. Even his own shadow when it came to love. He was so afraid I would hurt him that he ended up hurting me. I am no angel. I did have a huge part in this, but I would never do things intentionally (i.e. I did my bullshit when we were broken up. He did his when we were together.) Anyways, I came to the conclusion that I wasn't the person he fell in love with. He is looking for something else, someone else and I never came close to being good enough.

Moving on to the conversations. My friends want to see me happy. Regardless. It can be with him, or anyone else. They support me. They both asked me the same questions. "Do you love him?" and then gave me a speech on how to fix it if I do. At first their reaction to their friend being hurt is "fuck that asshole, you can do better" but when that friend is crying and broken, they want to see her happy again. And the other question was "how am I?" Of course, when you ask a brokenhearted girl "how is she", her reaction is quite simple.

Tears pouring out in clumps, her make up running, her hair stuck to the side of her wet face and snot bubbles coming out of her nose. Ladies and gents, it is NOT a pretty sight. I won't give you the details of the conversations because I'm apparently out of my mind crazy for ever thinking I could have gotten this one right. I'll just give you the basic gist of it. It takes a really strong person to love someone who is already broken. The thing is, I knew I was. I knew I had issues and that my issues will only be resolved with someone patient, caring and kind enough to deal with my high-tech bullshit. He was more of the "you hurt me so I hurt you back" type. I rarely got an "I'm sorry" and we never communicated about anything other than pointing fingers. All I ever got were "I'm sorry but.." There was only one time I believed he was truly sorry, and even that was taken away from me.

The thing I heard from both of my friends was to just live. It's not okay now, but it will be later. To not let this pain stop me from loving again, from living, from being consumed by life and all the little, beautiful things it has to offer. To guard myself against people but not so much that when someone amazing comes around and wants to give me the world, that I run. One thing I will never let happen again; I will never let anyone lie to me again. I've lied a couple of times and I regret it. Once to him; It only hurts more. Being lied to about everything? Where he's at, who he's with, who he talked to, even the little tiniest things like time..that builds on disappointment after disappointment until it explodes.

Anyways, I write this and it seems to you like I'm doing fine. Let me just make it clear that I am in no way okay. BUT maybe this is the first step in healing is being able to let it out. And since I can't let it out to the one who hurt me, I can to my blog and my poor family and friends. I've cried so much on my mother's shoulder the past weekend, it's amazing she still has one. I've been angry, I've been disappointed, I've felt betrayed. I spent a few nights drinking and drugging myself stupid with my friends. The healing process continues, I guess. I don't want to know what tomorrow will be like. I want life to surprise me.

Woah, we are actually nuts

Dear readers, are you ready to laugh at how crazy women actually are? So here is a little story to help you grasp the insanity that I have in my head on a daily basis.

So, my boyfriend and I broke up. It's a really sad thing. I kinda, sorta, possibly really did love him. Okay, so anyways, it was me that called it quits generally for the sake of my individuality. I didn't want to be in a relationship where I didn't trust him and he didn't trust me. Both of us have fucked up over and over again and despite the warning signs telling us not to, we fell in love and ruined each other's lives. There were lies, there was hidden information, there was that one thing with the rules, and a lot of "who the hell is that texting" and just general hatred of our opposite sex friends.

Okay, I have been a tomboy my whole life. I had two best girl friends that I can remember and that was it. The rest were boys. My dad for sure got a son, just with a vagina. I grew up not trusting females. They would stab you, lie to you, deceive you, sleep with your guy, get a boyfriend and ditch you completely, etc. The boys, I felt more comfortable with. First of all, they can't sleep with my bf or ex.

Anyways, on to my actual point. I got handed a ultimatum. I didn't make a choice and the silence was enough for him to make the choice for me. Even though this was what I wanted, as soon as I got it..I didn't want it anymore. Now, don't get me wrong. He would be my perfect man if he wasn't so jealous and actually let me have my freedom..but he won't. That's not who he is and I can't ask him to be anything less or more than what he is just to be with me.

Okay, so my point? Women are insane. The thought creeps into my head every day about what he is doing, where he is, if someone is making him smile, things remind me of him and I want to share. While some of the thoughts turn my stomach, others make me miss him. I wrote the same text message at least 500 times and never sent it.

The reason I didn't send it? Going back would mean I let go of my individuality and become what he wants me to be. That isn't compromise anymore. That's me becoming someone I'm not. I love my freedom and I love him. He doesn't like the fact that I have male friends. He doesn't trust me. Those things won't change no matter how much we love each other. I've tried. Maybe not as many times or ways as I'd have liked, but I tried. Haha should have hired a counselor.

I've never had this problem with a guy before; they usually knew how I was before the relationship. I don't know why this one didn't believe me.

One thing he said and he was right; I do stand up for people that would never stand up for me. I also sacrifice my life for them and their happiness, when I should worry about my own. Not anymore. Thanks for that..

I guess it takes time, but I swear one more person tells me that to comfort me and I'm snapping necks!