Your brain

BRAAAAAINS!!! We all have them, not all of us use them, but its main function is to keep us alive, not happy. Because of my own struggles with my own brain, I have often read books on the wonder of our brain- how it thinks, what chemicals do what, where the secret doorways are and how to make more neurons! Because of my fascination with the brain, it always made me wonder what makes us great humans, but also what can make us go tick tick BOOM! I've been fascinated with serial killers, and the dark abyss of the world for a long time on the account of that curiosity. 

As we have all seen in Inside Out 1 and 2, our brain has chemicals which do certain things, and those little assholes can sometimes get their information wrong. When they do, they wreak havoc. We think thoughts that are not like us, we get super tired or scared for no reason, and we tend to blow up at the smallest situations because our bodies think they're at war. Fun. It's so much fun being a human being. Wow! And then to be a man or a woman. Our hormones cycle every 28ish days. As a cisgender man, your cycle is daily- how great for you all. We get to feel 34 feelings before breakfast and you get to press reset at night. Just genius. Our creator definitely had a tremendous fun time making us. Anyhoo, back to the brain.

I started researching and looking into neuroscience because I was tired of people telling me to just think positive. And the terrible diagnoses like MDD, anxiety, C-PTSD and ADHD just felt like tainted labels which the capitalist patriarchy was charging me for. Or worse yet- comparing whatever I was going through only to claim "it wasn't that bad". I was sick of feeling like something was constantly wrong with me. With a little bit of reading, I realized my nervous system was doing its job, but its job was only to keep me “safe”- whatever that means. In the meantime, my nervous system was so dysregulated and dysfunctional, it would make me complete all 7F trauma responses in a safe situation. I constantly have to soothe and talk myself down from a ledge; it's exhausting but it's getting better. Things like plant medicine, meditation, sound healing, yoga, Reiki, work for me in the healing space, among many others things. It's what helps me get by on a daily basis. Call me your witchy godmother.

In September of 2021, I discovered Buti yoga because I was plummeting into a depressive state, and needed a way to get energy out of my body. A friend suggested it, I went to a class and fell in love. In March of 2022, I became a Buti yoga instructor. In 2023, going further on my yoga journey and developing my personal practice, I started my 500 hour yoga teacher training including meditation, breathwork and somatic therapy which I graduated from in March of 2024. My YTT broke me open. It put me face first with some very uncomfortable situations, while going through a series of unfortunate events and just wanting to belong to a community was kicking in the fawn response like crazy.

As of last month, I was attuned as a Reiki 1 Practitioner. I have used these modalities to keep myself from going insane when life decides to life. I am also using these healing modalities to regulate my nervous system, develop healthy relationships with myself and others, and sink into shadow work to heal some traumas- one day at a time. Wish me luck!

Muse

Who, where or what is your muse? 

Is it your partner, or maybe your child? Is it a parent or a sibling? Every time you think about them or spend time with them, it opens you up creatively! Is it your cat or your dog? You sit on the ground brushing them, or take them on a walk and an idea strikes? And if it isn't a person or a thing, is there a specific spot where you go that just fuels your insides and ignites the fire? Maybe you'd get in your car, and go to that spot on the lake, sit on your favorite rock and just ponder the meaning of life, while great ideas just pour out of you? Or are you one of those people that need to go through some shit in order for your muse to appear so technically it isn't a person, place or thing and it's just a situation. Maybe it's the act of having sex. Let's be real- chemically, there is a whole lot happening in your body as you are having sex or having an orgasm so why wouldn't that be a good time to jolt some genius thought?

Recently, I was discussing being inspired to write lately and thanks to a few places, things and people, I have been writing the last couple of months more and more. I even put a little notebook in my purse so when I hear someone say something yummy, interesting or hell, even jolting, I would like to be able to keep up with it so I can ponder later on the subject. Who you surround yourself with matters, and I've been really picky lately about who I let in. I mean that whole-heartedly. I am careful about my energy, selective even. I choose people who choose me. I love people who love me. I see people who see me. I don't let anyone in my house, head or bed just willy nilly anymore. My peace is important and the world feels like it's about to spontaneously combust.

Muses have been portrayed usually by women, the feminine and only single apparition. Your muse(s) could be multiples of people, things, places and situations. For example, absolutely every time I have lunch with a friend of mine, she inspires me to become a Goddess who wants to be groveled for. She inspires me to step into my feminine wiles and she encourages my sexcapades a thousand percent! It's not one thing she says or does, it's the pure essence of her energy mingling with mine and the topics we discuss. I have another close friend, that when we spend the day together she makes me want to heal the world. Seriously. She makes me feel like I have the power to heal myself and the ENTIRE world. Can you imagine a friend's presence making you feel like that? 

Anyway, think about it. I'd love to hear about some of your muses. We don't have to name people, places, things or situations unless we want to. This is just for fun! Are you aware that you even have a muse? If not, I suggest you do some soul searching and find your person, place or thing- it's incredible! 

Spirituality 2.0

The other day I went on an adventure outside in my back yard. I sat down on the grass and smelled the ocean during meditation and it brought me back home when everyone was still Earthly present. Back home when I felt like a kid and had a supportive family and great friends. It brought me back to moments of my grandmother's knitting, my grandfather's piddling in the garage, my uncle's lessons on handwriting and my aunt's great cooking! It carried me through each memory and gently let me remember, but also showing me the harsh reality of forgetting what their voices sounded like. How I wish things were different, but absolutely being grateful they were mine.

The adventure left me sobbing for the grief that I've let myself feel again, this many years later. Baka (grandma) died in 2002, Eko (my nickname for my uncle) in 2008, Deda (grandpa) in 2010 and Strina (aunt) in 2020. It's been a painful road and each passing felt unreal because I have not been to any of the funerals. The interesting thing was that grief for each person felt new, as if I was feeling it for the first time. It's strange what kind of process grief has, because in my experience, you never truly get over anything. You just transmute it to mean something different, to hurt a little differently but not project onto others. 

Life is hard, y'all and whatever you have been through in life has brought you here. You haven't been through what you have been through to just get here though. There's more to see, more to travel, more joy to discover and more love to give. Because, isn't that the whole point? I know you must be thinking what woo woo shit is this now, since self-care is a commercialized retreat instead of a given right, but hear me out. Life is meant to be lived in community, with others who love and care for you as you do for them. For the path of communication, creativity and life force to flow both ways. And in community is when you heal!

You are not supposed to have it all figured out- no one does. You are not supposed to do it alone- many of us have at least one person, place or thing. You are not supposed to know everything- which means you share knowledge and find people who are capable of the things you seek. Same as they do- which inherently means there is something in YOU that is needed by someone else. That's that magic woo woo shit some of us are talking about.  It's the medicine and wisdom that you have inside you if only you were quiet enough to listen, and still enough to hear. 

Toodles! I'm going to go thank a tree for letting me breathe another day.

Covid Chronicles

Hello, my dear readers! 

This girl has COVID and has it kind of rough. Go figure I get it when I planned a road trip weekend! These past couple of months have not been kind to my physical or my mental health. It seems I take a step forward and 5 back; I know that life is trying to teach me lessons but can I have a small break? I’ve learned them- over and over. Don’t play with boys that don’t plan a future and don’t lick people’s faces? Were those it?! Cause lessons learned! 

On a brighter note, I get to be home with my boys and since my depression has been rearing its ugly head lately, I can try and use this home time to center myself again. One problem I can see is the isolation, but with all the stimuli I’ve gotten lately it would be relaxing to just be home alone. Stitch also makes it super easy to be alone. He cuddles, he lays against me when I have fevers and he watches over me while I’m sick. Most people aren’t that comforting.

Mushu, on the other hand is currently wrapped around my feet, clawing and biting me...with love. Every time I don’t feel good he tries to entertain me with his antics and I love that. I could use the good mood. Today has been rough- fevers on and off. With those comes the high blood pressure and the ringing in the ears, as well as body aches, sniffles and a sore throat. I feel horrible! Thank God for great friends- Aaron brought me drinks and snacks and Iva is making sarma which are stuffed cabbage rolls! I usually get some at Christmas, but since I had a horrendous Christmas, I didn’t get to eat any. Also, my mother never brought me a plate like she said she would. Anyways, that’s my reality for right now people! Struggle is real!

Until next time, toodles!

So, therapy

So, therapy taught me that more people need to go. I think the next time I am ready to put myself out there, that’s what’s going to say on my Hinge app. All therapy is, is you being a responsible human who wants to coexist well with other people? We all need a little TLC. I mean, your brain deserves it and those who love you- or are trying to- deserve it as well! 

Currently, I am healing. I miss him. Looking back opened my eyes to a few things we should have both paid attention to from the beginning. Man, we sped things up and it felt great doing it. Trauma did that. One beautiful thing he taught me- hope!! I can do this. I know what I need in love, in relationships and it all begins with hope!

I am also currently missing a yoga studio so badly. Luckily, we are still getting together sometimes for pop up Buti classes. It has made me realize how much I love having this community around me in my daily life and how much I miss having it around. Most of the things in my life that were keeping me together have started slipping in some way, shape or form lately and it is driving me up the wall. I keep getting caught up in my own shit, and if you stay in it long enough it starts not to smell. I am trying so hard to come out of it. 

Sometimes, I truly can’t wait for my person. That man who is going to hear everything that I have to say, but will take only the important things to heart. The one who will take this world on with me, not fight with me about it. It’s not easy living as a minority in 2023, and a woman at that, but that’s a story for another time. Or stories. #metoo

Toodles.

Cut the shit out!

Okay..okay, let's not get too close. Please, keep a distance of 6ft. That isn't hard..it isn't science. Pretend there is a bullet coming for either of us if we stand closer than that to each other. Because there is. And that bullet is invisible and you only have a small chance of survival to begin with; it doesn't really matter if it was 20 ft long in the shape of Barney. Why? Because we, as the human race, SUCK ass! We are slowly dying off and the reason being?? We cannot follow simple rules!!!

1. Cough into your elbow- If you should just so happen to fuck up and cover your face for that enormously obnoxious sneeze with your hands, then by all means, please go wash them for more than 20 seconds (ABC's, birthday song, Cardi B "Bodak Yellow"- whatever your flavor is) or sanitize them, you lazy POS.

2. Socially Distance 6ft-  I know that you just can't resist and I completely understand, but I need you to stand back for your own safety and mine. When words come out of your mouth, it is followed by spit. I would like to not exchange any bodily fluids unless responsibly and consensually. Kthxbai. Which brings me to my next point.

3. Wear a mask- Find one, make one, buy one. Wear a bandana. You won't offend me for protecting yourself from me and me from yourself. We all appreciate that.

Yay! Epidural time. 

4. Clean and disinfect your work areas- Essentials, if you are working somewhere with the public like I am was**, please double, triple, quadruple whatever corporate cleaning is. They will do the legal minimum; we need to extend that to keep everyone safer. This is just a personal preference. I like knowing you and I are safe.

5. Educate yourself- Please read up on how Covid19 is spread, what the symptoms are, and if there is a testing center nearby. The more you know, the more you will do. I fucking hope!

6. Don't be a Dick- Yes, you have to wait in line. Yes, things are being done differently. Yes, there are changes. Stop, breathe, and ask yourself if you'd act like that with yo mama around! Stop it. You're not the only human with things to do. In fact, if you are not one of the ESSENTIALS, PLEASE GTFO of my way!

**I am currently on leave because of my use of steroids-- no worries, it's not the fun kind that will have me coming back to work looking like a Bosnian Massy Arias (no, she does not use them, I LOVE HER, please check her out). It's the kind that I need to have in order to be at a pain level zero like a whole human being, and it's also currently the one that is lowering my immune system to even below substandard use so I am prone to everything. Last time I was down for 5 days barely mobile, and 9 days sick. 

Because I don't know what to say lately

Still swinging

Do you ever feel like no matter how many times you swing, you will always come up short? Sometimes the feeling is debilitating because it feels like no matter how hard you try, that you will always almost get it. And we all know- almost doesn't count. In every aspect, I still keep swinging. At some point, life came to a screeching halt. It was like a car going 100 mph hitting a wall. The car is in currently in the shop. I have to still keep swinging.

Just saying.
Speaking of mental health, if you see anyone struggling with life and I understand we all are, just be kind. You don't have to pull out dollar bills or immediately judge the situation. Just be kind. Ask them how they are. Even if you don't believe a word out of their mouth. Even if you're struggling yourself. Connect with a soul out there, because as you can all see, our World is slowly dying. And we are killing it. With every bad decision we all make collectively together, which is why we should all encourage each other to do better and be best, instead of knocking each other down. I stay away from social media just because of that; I do not want to see the arguing unless it's constructive or productive.

I say this, but I am a hypocrite. I still make bad decisions, and I make mistakes. I work hard and I dream and sometimes play harder. I love animals. I pay my taxes. I don't wish anything bad on anyone. I try to do right by everyone. Treat everyone like you want to be treated, right? I personally think that is not technically correct, but that's just me. I can debate why, but I'll save it for the few of you who may be interested enough to ask. So, anyway, I try. That's the point. Isn't it?

Bittersweet existence

Life has a way of knocking you on your ass and then picking you up to dust you off. This year so far has been purely that; short bursts of being flattened against the pavement, followed by a pick me up. I sometimes stop to ask God "Why?", but then I re-evaluate and realize that sometimes I just need to let it be and trust that I will figure it out. I've been on rock bottom before and this time, it will take a lot more to knock me down. It's a bittersweet existence in this world and life treats us like a Sour Patch Kid- first it's sour, then it's sweet. I'll let you know when it gets sweet.

I would like to announce that Bowling Green has me for another year. I accepted a position in another state but that will have to wait cause life be lifing. It seems when there are too many things up in the air, one has extreme anxiety that stops one from being able to function and only live in moments. Not like I would know or anything. *eye roll*. I've invested recently into trying to develop interests and skills that I can use for many years to come, so if you're into adventures, raise your hand or hit your girl up with some ideas. I figure with the way things are going in this country, I may need to be skilled to do 52 jobs to survive, just in case.

Eeek! Tomorrow is Monday! This week is going to be a short week, thankfully. I need a little rest this weekend, as well as some relaxation. I like my job, but after working my ass off this past week, I deserve a little break. It's all about self-care, right?! If this week had gone the way it was supposed to, I would be packing right now. Instead, I have spent my Sunday cleaning, spending time with my friends, and getting things done. All in all, it's been a productive one. I hope Sunday has treated you all right. 

Against the wall

Hello. It's me. Dear Jesus, thank you. God, if you're listening, I'm grateful. I'm struggling, but I cannot believe how you answer my prayers. If you do not directly influence me, then thank you for sending people my way. I'm especially thankful for a few just today. It means a lot to me that you believe in me, that you think of me and that you help me in any way I need it. Guys, tho..seriously. Thanks for asking, texting, wishing, praying, paying and everything else in between. You have made me cry in joy, and God only knows I can never repay you. Thank you to theether, Anna, for your smiling face that I saw at lunch even if it was for a few minutes. Thank you to my theether from another mister, Hana, you're the real MVP. You've been my GPS, my photographer and my delivery woman all week. Thank you big sister, Manuela, for my 2nd tests and your words of encouragement throughout this week. I love you. 

That brings me to my second point. I cannot schedule these tests until way later in June it seems like which switches my plans a little LOT. It just seems like every time I try to do something in the education field, it's cursed to fail before it begins. It's frustrating. Life is frustrating. I am so frustrated I could scream. Or go for ice cream. I think I'll take a yogurt instead and plan a vacation if my dream doesn't work out this year. C'est la vie!! So hello guys, how's your Thirsty Thursday going? Is everyone still alive- y'all make it out okay?

Just wanted to make sure that this Thursday didn't end up with some victims. Much love. 

What we are meant to be will be

Who did you dream of being as a child? An astronaut exploring space, a nurse wanting to save lives or a teacher who helps students get off the street? What was your ultimate success story while you were an innocent human not knowing what troubles lie ahead?
I wanted to be a lawyer. Actually, no, let me rephrase that. My parents thought I could argue with anyone over anything. They thought I should be a successful lawyer forever arguing my life away. And, so as an 11 year old little girl in a foreign classroom, on career day I decided to look up the curriculum for a lawyer. I saw 6 years of school and thought "I barely know English. There is no way in hell!" Little did I know that I would grow up to love school and imagine myself as a lifetime learner. Now, if I could only get the government to grant me a career as a lifetime student. I mean, they let anyone be president nowadays. For agent orange's fan club, just *insert snarky comment and get off my blog*..for everyone else - "thank you and keep reading".
So, as I grew up I wanted to be a counselor. My 6th grade counselor Ms. E helped me so much that I would like to donate my time and sanity to some children and advise them about life. I mean all we need in life is some TLC and some time with our loved ones. When we grow up, we add people in our lives for short or long periods. It is up to us and them how long they stay and often, they leave us with a companion for life or just a lesson for future experiences.
I went to college and finished for Elementary Education. I had to first teach in the state of KY as an intern and I panicked. I also had a witch for a mentor teacher and she made my life a living hell. She was also very mean to the children, including her own, but no names shall be mentioned. So, I had to teach with a mentor Satan observing me and I panicked. I signed up for graduate school now and am still searching for myself. 
So, as I often ask of you, my dear readers, is usually to share something about your life. No worries. You won't be public. Your answers will help me fuel more people to talk and stop using Facebook as their counseling service. I would like to know what you wanted to be in life? Whether a mom, a sailor, or a truck driver. If you ended up being anything else, I would like to know that as well. I would even go as far as asking what your hobbies are or what you're good at? We often do not run in the directions to make our hobbies our careers, but if you have, I wanna KNOOOOOW!

What we are meant to be is written in the stars and planned just for us? So that would make us puppets and regardless what choices we make, they are leading us to something regardless of what we want or what path we take? If you're Christian, you believe we are made in God's image and that we have free will. So does that mean God had depression and anxiety? That makes sense why he rested on the 7th day.

If you would like to share your religious beliefs as well, we can make that next post topic. I prefer you being honest and respectful.

Ok! The End.

Wait? You're single?

At some point in our lives do we give off a vibe that our expiration date is near and we need to settle down? Is my clock ticking my life away and I am just waiting for something perfect for me? Or is the expiration date near and it gives the okay for guys to treat you like a carton of milk? They commit to the one behind you with a day less on her spoiled stage. It seems that even my mother has a higher chance to meet someone to love than I do. This isn't really for the lack of trying, but in reality I do have a "No Loser" policy and it goes in effect once in a while.
For example, I meet one, like one, imagine our life, do one and never have ones time again. So meet, like, fuck, marry, and kill. The five elements of any "I am thirty two years old and am starting to collect animals" club.

So, no I am not 32; I am 25 with 7 years experience. In all reality, I am a little kid who works overtime and pays bills. I pay my taxes, I'm nice to older people, I am a people person, and I will probably be able to put your child to sleep and get your animal to love me immediately. Seriously. That's wifey material right there if I ever saw it. But no, I work a lot, and the only place I would meet someone would be in gym when I go once or twice a month, or at work. I meet many people at work, but some of them are just lost causes and I can't fix any more people. I am not the Red Cross and I love me more than you. I want a partner. I want someone who is prepared to be ever thine, ever mine, ever ours. Gabi out.  . . . . drops mike. Literally.

These are the days of our lives

Happy SaturYAY readers!  There is not a day more glorious than Saturday.  I tanned a little and played by the pool with my sister and her friends. It was so funny to hear 20 something year olds talk about life while you, the big sister drink in hand is contemplating how much damage your skin would get if you fell asleep drinking? I watched my all time favorite show all day, worked a little, designed a little and now I'm writing a little. I am interested in your stories as well as your questions if you have anything to ask in ways of advice, business ideas or if you just want to talk about your hobbies or ways you volunteer or give to others. I am doing a little project and would like to see who really reads this blog and what can I do for however many of you that there is. There is a tiny little spot in my black little heart that tells me to care. And I do and have. I want to help. Words are all that can give now and I read really well. Your identity will never be published, unless you want to be famous in my tiny little blogosphere. Think of my blog as a column in some wild non-existing newspaper that talks about our real life issues in real life actually by a real live person. This is just a personal project of my own. Consider it as if your little big life is my one great adventure.  Also, my dear readers, just because I am interested in you doesn't mean I won't write a little about myself in between on days when I feel like the Cat Woman I am. :) P.S. Your dearest is buying a house and is opening a little side gig. With help of many friends for editing, logo, investments, and free labor. Cause who doesn't love to work with their friends over some mimosas, pool and trees?   

Thoughts of Stitch- Day three

 He won't stop looking at me and every time I look at him, he tries to meow at me or jump like he's all that and a bag of chips. I feel like he is constantly undermining me like "Try me!"



His cockiness amazes me. He is so rude to mom, who feeds him by the way and he treats grandma like he's king of the house. He is not. I own this. And them. So, we woke up this morning at 6 am. Mommy was sweaty and woke up in a panic. She was okay a few minutes later when she walked through the hallway to let me go potty. We woke grandma up and we were all late getting ready; but we all made it on time to work. I, of course, stayed home. I'm only 2.5. So Oreo and I were finally alone. Oh, how I am going to chase the heck out of this cat. It's going to be an all day process.

It's a beautiful day outside and I think this is lunch time. Mommy is home from work!! I hope she stays. I think this is where she stays home. I'm pretty sure she isn't going anywhere because she looks exhausted.

And she is off again. I'm sure when she comes back, aunt Anna comes with her. I'll wait and see if all three come home at the same time. Oreo has been quiet but that's because he is dead asleep on the couch. He snores when he is comfortable and happy. 

Oh wait! Mommy is home! I am so excited. She let me outside and I stepped off the porch. I immediately took off after the squirrel down the road. Mom yelled and yelled, but soon I couldn't hear her anymore. By the time I came back, mom had gotten in her car and circled the block. I apparently was gone too long. 

After a while, Anna, Rachel and Dee Dee came over. They all looked so pretty; they smell amazing, too. They sat and talked for a little bit, while mommy drew a little. They had to go back to work for a little bit, but were back soon after. Mommy put on a movie, and everyone was laughing and laughing. I am so happy I can't stand it. Everyone pays attention to me, calls me cute and praises me when I do something silly. 

Mommy is getting pretty tired and I think everyone is about to leave. They're making their way outside and I am let out to pee. I can't wait to go to bed. She's exhausted and I am tired too. I just want to cuddle and sleep right next to her. Last night, I kept hearing noises and had to keep watch.

Good Night from Stitch and family.

Thoughts of Stitch- Day two

Dear friends, family, followers, etc. We woke up today just like any other day, but nicely in a comfy bed with birds chirping outside. Then like clockwork, Oreo starts meowing and 7:15 and sits directly outside of the door scratching in. Sometimes, I want to bite; I choose not to. Mom went to work and I chased Oreo all day just for payback. Mom came home for lunch for her medication and stayed to play with me and Oreo while she ate. She had work as well because she was on the phone more than she was eating. She does that sometimes most of the time. I just wish she was home more. Or work from home. At least I can cuddle when I need to. Mommy is hooooome!! Oh, hurry and open the door! YES! I love you!! So mom is happy. Really happy. Something about a house and a realtor. I wonder what that means. Grandma is home and so is Anna. Anna is sad. Mom is so excited she's anxious. She is saying something about a house. A new house; big and more room. We are going to see it.  Geez, I hate car rides. It often makes me nervous and I just need air. Aunt Anna opens the window and mom invites me into her lap and open window as well.  Well, here we are and oh my God, this is huge. I'm going to get lost. I'm walking and hellooooo stairs. I run up, lay on mom's new bed. Run downstairs, see the kitchen and the basement. Back into kitchen and oh my God, outside! The yard is so huge. There is so much room for activities. I love it!! Mooom, when can we move in?? Hello, back home. I'm going to take a nap. This is just such an exciting day.  Mom is working on the computer. I think I'm going to chew on my bone for a while and go chase Oreo a little bit. He's sleeping; maybe I can tire him out.  Bedtime is my favorite time!! Let's go, mom! Good night guys.

Thoughts of Stitch- Day one

4/28/17- 6:30 am   Today, mom woke up just like a cat. In a panic attack. But, she's so happy towards me. She lets Oreo in for a few minutes. He sleeps with us, then wakes up, and slaps me to wake up. In which he wakes Mom up and ruins her moment. Sometimes, he isn't in the room that early, and she's calm but listening through mom ears for him and his moment to be hers. When he isn't let in, sometimes I'm glad. #sorrynotsorry.
Mom got up to let me go do my business and she left the door open. I climbed down the steps and stepped to visit our next door neighboor; but before I walk over there, I'll pee on Mom's tires because she's mine. It's mine. This house is mine. I walked down the street and stopped at the home two houses down. I peed on their lawn and decided to go on. Their little dog pisses me off. He always gets me in trouble with Mom and I am not about to ask the little ass his name. Next is the nice guy that keeps his lawn well taken care of. I usually like to walk around the little bushes on the walk way, but I'll try not to pee on them. Unless someone else has, then I have to; cause it's mine. This block is mine.
I finally get to the STOP sign and I know it's red, because I've heard Mom say it before and then make that "ha" face when she remembers that I can't see colors. Especially red. The only thing I can see is the gray image on a circle plate.   
So, I STOP. And won't go further because mom is now outside whistling for me. I start walking back and pee a little here and there on random pieces of grass, and get to the next door neighbor's yard and poop right in the middle of it. Mom gripes at me, so when I'm done, I traipse to the house like a guilty kid. It's Saturday today, which means I will be in the house today with my cat, while mom goes to visit her friend. All day I get to sleep and chase the cat around as well as chew on myself and lick on myself without anyone looking. Grandma came in for a little bit then left to visit Aunt Manuela and the family.
I was left a few hours until Grandma came back, and then Mom. It's so good when everyone is here. I'm always my happiest when family is here. I can only imagine if all family...could be together.. Anyway, it's like 1am, and I am sleeping so mom is finishing this for me. She knows what to say and she knows me so well. I ESP her while I sleep and she knows it subconsciously. She looks over at me and tells me I'm beautiful. My eyes are closed and I'm really still; she doesn't know I hear her.  Anyway, good night guys and gals, I am going to sleep. More on Stitch and fam later.

Oh hello, 1:30am. Mom needs a quiet vacuum. She spilled some goldfish crumbs and I'm all over it. Now I'm going to watch some Family Guy while mom medicates and goes to bed for some cuddles. Missed her all day.  zZzZ

Saturday

Please someone explain to me why I am up at 6:34 am on a Saturday when I can sleep until noon regardless of what I have to do today. Lately, I've been blogging in my own head at my own risk and I am not sure if you've ever done that but it looks a little like ..

So ...

Help. Me.

I need to let it out. I painted a little the other day with a friend of mine and I forgot how good that felt. I am screaming inside my own head just like the girl in my cover photo. Which reminds me, I have to change the damn name of this blog and the cover as well. Any ideas? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Work is the usual hell. Nothing new there. New things are happening though. Changes are coming and we shall see if that's great or defeating.

And I am always like....--------------->>>>>>>>

And I get a kick out of people asking me why I am still single. And then I think about every guy I talk to and I giggle. I tell them that I need someone who can handle my kind of crazy after they learn my kind of crazy and then make a grown up decision whether to handle it for a longer period of time, if not forever.

BEST RUN ON SENTENCE EVERRR! 

Just a thought. If I decided to be a boy, would you still love me? What if I lost everything and had to pull a Drake and start from the bottom. What if I had anxiety and depression but I high maintain and need you sometimes to unpack with me? What if I was okay and you were not; would I do the same for you? With my whole being.

Toodles.

Humor for a rainy Tuesday

This is basically me talking shit, but I mean c'mon.. when do I not? And I'm pretty hilarious so it's allowed. This is pretty much going to be just a bullshit blog post because lately I haven't been into blogging. I was taking a break trying to reinvent my life and now that that is TOTALLY not working out, I am back. Somewhat.

No one ever died from humor

Humor is a part of life and if you can't laugh at yourself, then shut your pie hole about other people's lives. For me, I laugh at something I do everyday. Mainly because I'm incredibly skilled in tripping over thin air and walking into walls. I always say quite a bit about my life on my blog and I feel like the readers I have, I am loyal to..but sometimes you have to take a break from reality and just fucking laugh. So enjoy the memes and have a great weekend. So how I feel after leg day

When I am in the gym, I tend to think I am the Hulk and I should be able to lift heavier and do more because well, stupid. Then the next day, I am praying to God to let me sit on the toilet because, well STUPID.

I took the same amount of pre-workout as I used to at the beginning of this year when I was regularly going to the gym because bad ass.

My most hated thing at the gym is when people are sitting at the machine, not using it and doing something else other than lifting. One of these days bro..one of these days.

I like to workout at my own pace, at my own weight skill and on my own time. I appreciate advice and constructive criticism, but...

My favorite question in the world is "you lift? you want to be huge?"

When people say lifting is bad for me, and that I should only do cardio so I don't get bulky.

OhEmGee

Is it possible to run away from your own life? I feel at some point today, I have reached a breaking point. The people that have said would never hurt me, did. The people that said they would never leave, have gone. Disappointment is a part of life but it seems like that's all my life has been lately; just a serious of hope and let downs. I am a chronic worrier and I am also the one who tries to fix things. I have the best intentions, really. From this moment, that stops. I am literally all out of fucks to give. I will no longer worry about people that don't worry about me. I will not try to fix any relationships, friendships or anything unless they show effort as well. So that's my small rant for today and now for the funny parts that you all expect from me. When one more person everyone tells me I am getting "up in age and I need to settle down and get married"

When people ask me if I am "done with drinking, partying and night clubs"

When people tell me I need to get serious about my life

When I am out with my married friends and they want to go home at 12 just as everyone is coming out

When all of my younger friends are getting married and I am just over here like...

Went to a wedding this weekend and got asked when it will be my turn