Situationships

For the life of me, I do not understand why I just can't get this love part down. My experience is all but standard- I did not get married straight out of high school or college, I didn't have children with the first man I settled down with, I didn't choose a forever partner- I've had great loves but they weren't my forever people. However, what I did notice is that most of my partners got coupled, engaged or married with the person after me. I guess me not having luck didn't necessarily mean that I wasn't lucky for others. I am a month away from being 40 and I am just as lost today as I was at 20. In adulthood, I keep running into emotionally unavailable men of all ages who are still working out what they truly want or who they truly want; I think I can help them sort it or maybe, I am that one. A friend of mine in the UK and I were speaking about this sort of thing a couple of days ago and he mentioned the casual dating vibe the US gave him when he was working here. It sparked a lovely conversation but also made me realize that maybe it's not me- maybe I'm dating in the wrong country.😂

Done. Definitely done trying to help other people sort their own baggage on me and not with me. I need help as well! I need sorting! Seriously, where is he? I have been dating since I was 15!! Why is it that it's so much easier focusing on someone else's needs rather than your own? I have been saying all of 2025 that I wanted to be cared for, I craved to be loved and I wanted my person. This isn't some sculpted creature perfect for me that fits into that "tall, dark and handsome" category; it's someone who chooses me even when it's hard. That's what I believe love is and it's not easy for me either. When I get my feelings hurt or I feel betrayed, I act like a raccoon in a trash bag because all my fears based on history resurface and I like keeping the past in the past. It's hard to come back from that, plus rebuilding something that wasn't yours to begin with just doesn't seem like the focus anymore. I've run into grown men who would like to commit or at least that's what they say, but somehow not fully and not to me. I've had the boys as well who are just committed to the bachelor vibe calling themselves vagabonds, interested in the sex but not the relationship.

Since the retreat, I have been more open to possibilities of change because I've truly felt like I've been changing all year. The grief, the losses, the lack of TLC by people who I thought loved me most has changed me. And just like the shadows, the light has been a great part of my life this year as well. People held me while I cried and slept, witnessed me experience extreme sadness, joy and have revelations about my life journey. It's been a beautiful and destructible ride all year. I've witnessed my own death and rebirth several times through losing jobs, money, friendships, possibilities of relationships- it's been wild, y'all. Change is inevitable, and there are still a few people in my life that have stuck with me through the good, the bad and the ugly. I am eternally grateful. I am also thankful for the ones who have passed through my life in seasons teaching me what I want more of and what I don't want. Everyone teaches you something.

I am open to change- the change within myself to grow into the woman I am meant to be, the change in expectations and fluidity of intimacy, the change in financial livelihood and an open heart to being a beginner again. 

Toodles!

No one is coming

No one is coming to save you. No one is coming to intentionally empathize or change your life. No one is coming to wipe your face, or dust the dirt off your petticoat. That's what I've realized this year; like truly, wholly realized. It hit me like a wet towel across my face when I got yet another call with bad news on the other line about my physical body. There is no one out there that's going to save you from life, from pain, from rejection, from living with yourself. You have to learn to pour into yourself because your heart, your body, your mind, your spirit...are the first home you have. Only one person that truly will be there for you- is you. And you better get your stuff together girl, cause no one is coming!

First thing, I have recently experienced a disappointment in how my love life was going. It's okay. I'm an idiot...again. I shouldn't have let myself slip for someone that wasn't available to catch me, or willing. In his defense, he warned me. I had faux hope- lesson learned. I am changing that pattern because it doesn't serve the person I am becoming. I am stepping into my full feminine and that takes lots of vulnerability and growth. Not everyone can handle that and that is okay. Sometimes, people tell you or show you that you're too much; you just need a man with bigger hands. Next thing- I have recently experienced love and intimacy which has opened me up to the desire of dating again. The desire to be wanted, loved, cared for, impressed, and honestly? Claimed. Last thing, the same person that has disappointed me has also shown me what I am capable of when it comes to relationships, no matter how complicated. I'm thankful. I've learned I want more understanding, less reading between the lines and more of the "Do you want to be mine- circle yes or no."

We often are not very forward with each other. We hide behind masks, we project insecurities and aggravations on others, we perform what our parents taught us or how life molded us. I have decided this year early on that I was going to be radically honest about everything. That is how we grow, how we evolve, how we become- in truth. I was born and raised in a not very honest family, and then add the dishonesty of the world, the greed, manipulations, the omission of truth and BOOM! You get human beings in fear of communication and touch, which are the most important senses. We forgot how to just BE. We are so busy doing, setting goals, running after money and nose-deep in the technology that we have forgotten about the importance of making memories without media.

I have a fantastic retreat coming up with amazing humans in the NY mountains. To meet, to hug, to connect with and speak my truth. To grow, remember, unplug and just BE with. The 16 year old girl inside me has been SCREAMING that she needs a safe space, a quiet, loving space, a soft space for months. She has been begging for life, for love, for connection, for romance and all she has gotten is death, disappointment, an inferiority complex, and soft rejections. Now, one thing that the adult me has figured out is how to compartmentalize and just keep swimming. I have to for survival, focus on me. Life has smacked me in the face and this retreat is perfect, Divine timing!

Toodles! 

To date or not to date?

I am stepping out of my 3's into my 4's this year. I turn the big FOUR OH in November. It's been a big year- I have been so focused on releasing all that doesn't serve the woman I am growing into. 2025 has been a really hard year so far. I've mourned a 1 year death anniversary of a close friend, another old friend's cancer battle ending, my grandmother and Niko passing, as well as some health issues and a love life that keeps attracting unhealthy relationship patterns. The year has not been kind, but the strangest thing has happened. I've been able to face it all head on and stay standing. I am convinced that the last three years of hell with losing partners, jobs, friendships, family matters and health concerns prepared me for the moment where I lost my biggest cheerleader and didn't fall apart completely. It's really been life affirming for me that I am divinely protected. The last three years of handling life without a partner, has put me in a position to think hard about my future and where I would like to see myself in a year or five.

As a woman, when you consider your future there are many paths to think about. Do you want to be a mother and how much time is left for that? Would you like to get married? Would it matter if they have been married and had kids already? Do you want someone with small kids, grown kids or without any at all? Would you be okay partnered up and never married because at this point in your age range, people are working on their first, maybe even second divorce? Once you ask all of your questions and further examine where you are on those paths, then you can figure out what you want. It takes time, courage, passion and desire in order to experience life fully and learn about your human experience. It's been many years since I had the desire and now that I do, I am not sure where to start. I am open about wanting to spend life with a partner and I have been for a few years. I have experienced the fast life, the depressed life, the angry life and now all I want is a soft life with a safe person for me.

I don't shy away from vulnerabilities anymore. I don't mind being open to life anymore, radically honest, courageous, willing to compromise, and also willing to get my heart broken. As George Adair said "everything you want is on the other side of fear." Essentially, you are dating to either marry/partner up or dating to break up. I don't like starting something "to see where it goes". Having intention is important to me when it comes to dating. It's a choice. You are choosing that person each hour, each day, each week, month, year, decade. I want someone to choose me, even when I make it hard to. I want to be someone's only choice, not an option until the next one comes along or until the last one comes back. That is really hard to find in the "talking culture" nowadays. I'm either dating or not, coupling up or not, planning or not, all in or nothing at all. I don't want crumbs- I'm not settling for a slice- I want the whole damn pie.

I was told recently that this smells like desperation. I had to ponder on that statement to see if that's what this was. I decided it wasn't desperation, but a broken pattern of hoping some man chooses me yet again instead of releasing that story. It's time to find and let someone love me that actually wants to love me, build with me, share a life with me. Let me assure you if I was desperate, I would take any of the many men that would like my attention and love. Just because I don't have a main hitter doesn't mean I don't have a line-up.

Toodles!

Second chances

Well hello there! I have been in a more creative mood lately and wish my ADHD would allow me to sit down and write them out. I have been journaling a lot more than usual and it feels good to let things out, however it’s also very lonely to be the only human in the house. Lots of changes- miss Gypsy came into my life and birthed Loki, Storm, Gypsy Jr, and Rain. And then everyone went to their forever home but Gypsy mama and Rain stayed. And then we added Lola for a few months!

First, this mami has gone back home this year!! This was a soul healing trip full of adventures, celebrations, happiness, family, friends and ALLLLLLL the Adriatic. 🖤 Therapy has me in a new awakening- it always takes a heart break to kick you in the ass! 🫡 LOL!

I have been ready to date again since last year and well, it didn’t happen last year. But this time around, I think it will. And I am happy with what the Universe has given me lately. She is definitely showering me with a lot more happiness, community, trust and random laughter. I am totally here for it! 

Secondly, I was in Hot Yoga Nashville studio all weekend for a Buti cert audit and as much as I enjoyed 30 hours of yoga, I am absolutely and utterly exhausted, sore but so damn happy! I mean, seriously?! Life changing!

Old-fashioned

Hello, my dear readers! I always begin my posts by greeting you fuckers and no one ever says "hello" back. How rude! 😆

I started writing this post on 10/24/21 and then never finished it or posted it because it seemed the more I thought about dating, the worse the actual dating reality got. People are afraid to be vulnerable, they want easy and no one is willing to put work in anything that looks different from their reality. I want to offer an ending now to this post.

10/2021- So, after I got back home from the gym, I immediately jumped in the shower and started to process the day. As always, I do my best thinking in the shower. I have recently acknowledged that I would like to find my life partner and have gone on several dates- today's thought process has been mostly about it. Also, it's been a blast getting over feelings for the last guy I tried to date. Emotionally unavailable douchebags who lie and cheat seem to leave a mark more so than people who actually treat you right.

So, my thinking in the shower was mainly on me being old-fashioned and wondering if anyone else felt like I do. When it comes to dating, I am a geriatric millennial. I still make phone calls, I refuse to use a lot of social media and I prefer to know where I stand when I am seeing someone. I would like none of this "talking or hanging out" nonsense. That is just messy and asking for someone's feelings to be hurt. If you don't set clear boundaries, how the hell are you supposed to know what's going on? Now, I am not saying you have to immediately jump into marriage, but why not make your intentions clear? If you'd like to just be friends with benefits, tell me. I would like to be able to make an informed decision whether I want to fuck you part time. Mine is not a community vagina; I don't want to sleep with other people through you and to be obvious, you are putting someone's  a few people's health in jeopardy (whether sex is safe or not)."

And scene! Yes, I have had situationships- you know, the one or two month dating spiels where the guy lies to you and talks to other girls. Or gets too emotionally attached and runs from anything hard. No one likes to be "tugged by their nose" as my countrymen like to say (it's a bosnian saying and the translation is much better). No 

Toodles! I hope everyone has a great weekend!!!

Blog Day 1- Five ways to win your heart

Hello, my dear readers. It's been a while. Life has been on the up and up lately in most areas and down in others. That is to be expected because...life. It would be boring otherwise and as cliche as it sounds, I just take it day by day. Anyway, I decided a little while back that I was going to do a blog challenge and here it is. Day 1. I am trying to get back to my writing because I have been gone for so long and my block feels like it has been lifted to a point.

Eventually we will get into the daily gripes and conversations, but for right now the topic is "Five ways to win your heart"? So, I am thinking this post could go two ways. I can share the five ways to win my heart or I can emphasize five "ways" that should be taught to little boys in order to win a woman's heart. Period.

Well, if we are talking about my heart, that is in a lot of places lately. All good, no complaints here. I am content with the way my heart life is going. Both literally and figuratively speaking, that is. Wink wink, nudge nudge. And if we are talking about the five ways that should be taught is simple. Teach them chivalry, integrity, kindness, empathy and responsibility. The end.

As for mine..

1. Pay attention
2. Acknowledge my furry kiddos
3. Plan a date
4. Kindness
5. Honesty

Wait? You're single?

At some point in our lives do we give off a vibe that our expiration date is near and we need to settle down? Is my clock ticking my life away and I am just waiting for something perfect for me? Or is the expiration date near and it gives the okay for guys to treat you like a carton of milk? They commit to the one behind you with a day less on her spoiled stage. It seems that even my mother has a higher chance to meet someone to love than I do. This isn't really for the lack of trying, but in reality I do have a "No Loser" policy and it goes in effect once in a while.
For example, I meet one, like one, imagine our life, do one and never have ones time again. So meet, like, fuck, marry, and kill. The five elements of any "I am thirty two years old and am starting to collect animals" club.

So, no I am not 32; I am 25 with 7 years experience. In all reality, I am a little kid who works overtime and pays bills. I pay my taxes, I'm nice to older people, I am a people person, and I will probably be able to put your child to sleep and get your animal to love me immediately. Seriously. That's wifey material right there if I ever saw it. But no, I work a lot, and the only place I would meet someone would be in gym when I go once or twice a month, or at work. I meet many people at work, but some of them are just lost causes and I can't fix any more people. I am not the Red Cross and I love me more than you. I want a partner. I want someone who is prepared to be ever thine, ever mine, ever ours. Gabi out.  . . . . drops mike. Literally.

FBGM- My ideas

• Day 1- Buy car

• Day 7- Buy house

• Day 14- Open company

• Day 15- Start working more hours

• Day 20- Sign up for graduate school

• Day 30- Have a fucking panic attack

• Day 31- Keep having the same panic attack

• Month 2/ Day 2- Panic attacks galore

Life, love and everything in between

Hello my dear readers, it's been ages and I apologize. Since I wrote last, I visited the mother countries and looked for international job opportunities, as well as educated myself on the economic situations in those countries for my own personal growth. My current job could be a career path if my boss decides to join the 21st century technology driven world. That would make my life so much easier; I wouldn't have to look for another job. But as you all know, this is me and why would I have anything easy in life when it's always been ass backwards and hectic? Murphy's Law, damn you. But enough about the boring stuff. 

While I was in Europe, I found out a lot about myself through conversations with my family and my experiences there. To be honest, I didn't change much from the way I was when I was little. I am still the mouthy girl with the attitude and a smile on her face...just more mature. I love listening to stories about me as a child; it fills me with such joy to know that once upon a time, I was a happy child. Not to say I'm not a happy adult, but adulthood hasn't always been bright and shiny. I've gone through a lot in my life which has made me stronger, but left me broken. 

Also, I went to Europe to be with my boyfriend and introduce him to the family!!! I shall brag about him in a separate post; FH (Future Husband) likes his privacy and I don't blame him. He even met my dad and is still alive and in one piece, so I am assuming that dad is okay with my choice. Watching the two most important men in my life chit chat, laugh and tell jokes has mended my heart on so many levels. I could have watched them interact all day. At times, I did. Oh, and I turned 30 while I was there so I guess I cannot call my blog "rants of a single twenty-something.." No longer single and no longer twenty. I guess now it's time for a blog make-over! And possibly a new name. I need ideas..Anyone?

"I stop to smell the roses and take pictures of sunrises and sunsets.

I listen more and talk less.

I take more breaths and think before I speak.

I aim to learn something new at least once a day.

I have more patience.

I am not selfless by any means, but do practice holding back a lot of my selfish tendencies.

I've realized it's not just about me anymore. It's about an us.

Love really works miracles for a person."

The dating game

All of us want someone. If you're married or taken in any way and reading this, you're probably shaking your head no because your life fucking sucks or you're shaking your head yes because your partner is actually awesome. We all want a partner or a satisfying relationship. Some of us are lazy, some of us are awkward and some of us just don't like people but we want to find our weirdo so we want to skate past the horrible dating scene, or the awkward dates and go straight to the significant other status. You know the one; Netflix, takeout, sweatpants, vacations and great sex.

As Larry David said "A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone." Dating SUCKS! No one wants to take hours to get ready, shave their legs, worry about not eating Mexican. My idea of a romantic date involves Netflix sans pants. I also worry about sharing my bed with someone because my dog sleeps with me, and he is cuddlier, so there's that. I also like my own freedom and most guys want to be up my ass. Now, don't get it twisted. I still want you to be interested enough to keep in touch every day.

I mean, okay, let's say you do spend the couple of hours to try to loosen those tight pants you can't fit into but that make your ass look great, and curl your hair so he doesn't see your cowlick. Let's say you do that. You go on the awkward date and make small talk. You don't know who is going to pay, and you will judge him a little if he lets you pay. If he kisses you or doesn't kiss you at the door, you'll wonder what's wrong with you so this is lose/lose. You will wait for him to ask you on a second date, which is complete bull. Does he like you, does he not like you? Will he text, is he waiting for you to? Shit..

There is also the next day after the date and if you like him, your brain starts overthinking in 3..2..1... If he doesn't text you, is he still into you? Maybe he wants you to be assertive and text him? If you do, will you look desperate? Say he does text you. You're all friggin' stupid happy. You trip over the dog, walk into the walls and shit at work. You read his two letter text message (ok) and you smile. But let's face it. Texting back and forth becomes nerve wracking. You're worried about your response, you're worried about sending the wrong text. The worst thing about texting is that once you send it...well God help you.

Date number two and three or maybe more have passed. Now you're in this mess, so how do you decipher if the guy likes you or not? You start overthinking every action, lack of action or any kind of silence in between. If he sleeps with you on the first date, did he lose the respect for you? If he doesn't, is he maybe not interested and just wants to be friends? Most of the people now disappear from your life without even so much as a fuck you. They won't tell you "Hey, last night was great, but I'm not attracted to you. Want to be friends instead?" Some people just want to hook up and if you're looking for more, they won't be straightforward with you until after they collect the prize. Honesty is hard to find nowadays.

So many people are scared of commitments so they want to blur the line between friendship and relationship. While that line is blurred, there is no way to know what the rules are. I, for one, am not okay with that. Are you fucking only me or..? Ya know? Too much to worry about. Some people are too much into the sexual aspect to be loyal and with the social media making temptations and opportunities to cheat so easy to find, they won't even have to leave the bed they share with you.

After you have dated this person for a while and they feel comfortable around you, their genuine self starts coming out. Everyone now is so scared to put themselves out there at the risk of sounding too nerdy, too available, too anxious, too boring, too (insert whatever adjective you want here). And if you have dated for a while, the realization that you will either get married or break up is horrible. Both are equally terrifying concepts.

So, to summarize.. dating is basically a game of "let's see who can try to act like they care less in order to get someone to care more and then take turns." It's full of games, cheaters, liars, crazies and just annoying mofos who can't take a hint. Set yourself some rules to your own dating game and take control over this shit.  -if you like someone, don't pretend you don't -don't play the "wait to text" game..no one likes to guess and assume -don't alter what you want; have high standards and expectations -tell the ugly truth. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING HOLY, tell the truth!!!