Situationships

For the life of me, I do not understand why I just can't get this love part down. My experience is all but standard- I did not get married straight out of high school or college, I didn't have children with the first man I settled down with, I didn't choose a forever partner- I've had great loves but they weren't my forever people. However, what I did notice is that most of my partners got coupled, engaged or married with the person after me. I guess me not having luck didn't necessarily mean that I wasn't lucky for others. I am a month away from being 40 and I am just as lost today as I was at 20. In adulthood, I keep running into emotionally unavailable men of all ages who are still working out what they truly want or who they truly want; I think I can help them sort it or maybe, I am that one. A friend of mine in the UK and I were speaking about this sort of thing a couple of days ago and he mentioned the casual dating vibe the US gave him when he was working here. It sparked a lovely conversation but also made me realize that maybe it's not me- maybe I'm dating in the wrong country.😂

Done. Definitely done trying to help other people sort their own baggage on me and not with me. I need help as well! I need sorting! Seriously, where is he? I have been dating since I was 15!! Why is it that it's so much easier focusing on someone else's needs rather than your own? I have been saying all of 2025 that I wanted to be cared for, I craved to be loved and I wanted my person. This isn't some sculpted creature perfect for me that fits into that "tall, dark and handsome" category; it's someone who chooses me even when it's hard. That's what I believe love is and it's not easy for me either. When I get my feelings hurt or I feel betrayed, I act like a raccoon in a trash bag because all my fears based on history resurface and I like keeping the past in the past. It's hard to come back from that, plus rebuilding something that wasn't yours to begin with just doesn't seem like the focus anymore. I've run into grown men who would like to commit or at least that's what they say, but somehow not fully and not to me. I've had the boys as well who are just committed to the bachelor vibe calling themselves vagabonds, interested in the sex but not the relationship.

Since the retreat, I have been more open to possibilities of change because I've truly felt like I've been changing all year. The grief, the losses, the lack of TLC by people who I thought loved me most has changed me. And just like the shadows, the light has been a great part of my life this year as well. People held me while I cried and slept, witnessed me experience extreme sadness, joy and have revelations about my life journey. It's been a beautiful and destructible ride all year. I've witnessed my own death and rebirth several times through losing jobs, money, friendships, possibilities of relationships- it's been wild, y'all. Change is inevitable, and there are still a few people in my life that have stuck with me through the good, the bad and the ugly. I am eternally grateful. I am also thankful for the ones who have passed through my life in seasons teaching me what I want more of and what I don't want. Everyone teaches you something.

I am open to change- the change within myself to grow into the woman I am meant to be, the change in expectations and fluidity of intimacy, the change in financial livelihood and an open heart to being a beginner again. 

Toodles!

And another year older

Ok, so I love birthdays.
This year..not so much! I miss my step-dad, I feel lonely, I'm single, I feel humiliated, betrayed, untrustworthy..shitty is the perfect way I feel. 30 is getting closer and I still haven't found my prince charming. I guess this is what a girl has to feel when she is going through a nearing-30 crisis. I wonder what happens at 40?

Know what I'm doing to celebrate my birthday? Getting off work, going home for a quick nap, gym for a couple of hours and then either downing a bottle of wine at the house or going out to the local watering hole alone, maybe with a few friends for a drink to drown my pity party.

So my best friend and I have been chatting through texts for the past two hours and of course, he is just as challenged in relationships as I am. While he is afraid to fall in love, I am not. I welcome it with open arms.
Apparently, I have come to the conclusion that "I'm a great girl, any guy would be lucky to have me, I have the qualities any man would want" BUT NO ONE WANTS TO HAVE! I mean c'mon! I'm honest, I'm loyal, I'm independent, I don't take bullshit, I hate liars, I don't cheat or do any "behind your back" bullshit. The most horrible thing about me? I have male friends who I hardly see or talk to, I'm everyone's friend. I'm sick of being me. I have had every SINGLE EX tell me "you're a great girl. you deserve the best. you're what every man wants," but every single of the ones that have told me that, have done the worst to me. Physically abused me, mentally abused me, cheated on me, lied to me, have been insanely jealous FOR NO REASON, hid things from me, tried to change me, couldn't accept me for me or love me for me, call me names, etc.

What happened to loving someone for THEM? To make them happy, to make them smile because their happiness is ESSENTIAL like air to yours? I guess I'm too old to believe in fairy tales. Only two men in my life lived to see me smile and one of them is my daddy.
So please guys, thank you SO much about letting me know I'm the best you've ever had but treating me the worst you've ever done. I appreciate it, but from now on, love me less.

Anyways, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

P.S. I have two friends who I added online for a game I used to play who NEVER met me and surprised me last night with gift cards for my birthday. Thank you so much to the both of you. You have somewhat restored my faith in humanity and made me cry like a little girl.

P.P.S. My coworkers are awesome. I cried again.

Birthday!

My birthday is coming up tomorrow and for the first time in 26 years, I will be spending it without my family. It's a bit upsetting, but I am holding my head high. I will hopefully, be spending it with my best friends. I do not know where I would be without these people. With all of us being on Thanksgiving break, some of the friends dispersed throughout the states to enjoy not having school and be out of Bowling Green for a while. It really made me miss them and it made me grateful to have them in my life.
The pictures below are of the people who mean the most to me. They are either in my immediate surroundings, I see them on the weekends, I talk to them on the phone or I text them. Either way, I am somehow attached to all of these people by a string hanging from my heart.
Pictures are of (in order): Anna, Casey, Kim, Anel and Nader.

Without these people, I would be spending my Fridays and Saturdays at home in front of the computer probably playing some mind numbing game on Facebook. Without these people, I'd be miserable with no one to talk to, no one to be obnoxious with and no one to accept me as I am. They make me laugh til I cry, they upset me sometimes, they make me think about life, and they make me happy.
To add a couple of others that are not in these pictures but are in my heart and life: Mohammed, Goran, Adel and Fikre.
If I could take people with me on my trip to Spain, this group would be the group I would choose. Maybe I can figure out how to put them in my pocket? :)