What we are meant to be will be

Who did you dream of being as a child? An astronaut exploring space, a nurse wanting to save lives or a teacher who helps students get off the street? What was your ultimate success story while you were an innocent human not knowing what troubles lie ahead?
I wanted to be a lawyer. Actually, no, let me rephrase that. My parents thought I could argue with anyone over anything. They thought I should be a successful lawyer forever arguing my life away. And, so as an 11 year old little girl in a foreign classroom, on career day I decided to look up the curriculum for a lawyer. I saw 6 years of school and thought "I barely know English. There is no way in hell!" Little did I know that I would grow up to love school and imagine myself as a lifetime learner. Now, if I could only get the government to grant me a career as a lifetime student. I mean, they let anyone be president nowadays. For agent orange's fan club, just *insert snarky comment and get off my blog*..for everyone else - "thank you and keep reading".
So, as I grew up I wanted to be a counselor. My 6th grade counselor Ms. E helped me so much that I would like to donate my time and sanity to some children and advise them about life. I mean all we need in life is some TLC and some time with our loved ones. When we grow up, we add people in our lives for short or long periods. It is up to us and them how long they stay and often, they leave us with a companion for life or just a lesson for future experiences.
I went to college and finished for Elementary Education. I had to first teach in the state of KY as an intern and I panicked. I also had a witch for a mentor teacher and she made my life a living hell. She was also very mean to the children, including her own, but no names shall be mentioned. So, I had to teach with a mentor Satan observing me and I panicked. I signed up for graduate school now and am still searching for myself. 
So, as I often ask of you, my dear readers, is usually to share something about your life. No worries. You won't be public. Your answers will help me fuel more people to talk and stop using Facebook as their counseling service. I would like to know what you wanted to be in life? Whether a mom, a sailor, or a truck driver. If you ended up being anything else, I would like to know that as well. I would even go as far as asking what your hobbies are or what you're good at? We often do not run in the directions to make our hobbies our careers, but if you have, I wanna KNOOOOOW!

What we are meant to be is written in the stars and planned just for us? So that would make us puppets and regardless what choices we make, they are leading us to something regardless of what we want or what path we take? If you're Christian, you believe we are made in God's image and that we have free will. So does that mean God had depression and anxiety? That makes sense why he rested on the 7th day.

If you would like to share your religious beliefs as well, we can make that next post topic. I prefer you being honest and respectful.

Ok! The End.

On female sexuality.

Sexuality- noun

- capacity for sexual feelings

- a person's sexual preference

- sexual activity

In today's age when we count everyone's good times and judge every person's notches, how much sexuality is good sexuality? How much fun time can we have before someone calls us a whore or call a man a womanizer? And the misuse of the word "whore" just pisses me off. Don't call me that; I'm not getting paid for it. Do you really think I would be on the struggle bus if that was the case? Bish, please.
We live in a world where sexuality is measured by how many partners we have, to how often we want it. So, how many people have you slept with? What is your body count? Ew. We get asked that in relationships, by our doctors, by our friends and sometimes even by family. That's too creepy.  In relationships, why does that even matter? In case you're wondering about my health, it's fine thank you, but why the fuck do you have the need to know how many people I have slept with? I'm not sure how anyone else feels about this but to me it's just one of those things to laugh off and never talk about. If you're really comfortable with the person and you don't think they will judge you or not believe you if it's low or high, go ahead. If you're really SURE. I mean if you are really, really relationship sure; this little tidbit can ruin your situation. And it's not soap- I didn't get used up. In fact, I learned tricks!

When the doctor asks you, then it's just uncomfortable. You have to remember how many partners you have, so you sit in the doctor's office imagining the face to those 4, 24, 36 or 78 guys you have slept with. Not only are you trying to put a name to a face and face to a name, now the memories flood and you sit there with A- a stupid grin or smile on your face or B- utmost disgust because of some of those memories. You then look up at the individual who is now TOTALLY judging you for the number you said. So when this happens to me, and it does every new relationship, it pisses me off. Not only do I have to relive my great, good, bad and ugly decisions, but I have to take shit from some nurse who didn't have enough balls to become a doctor or a nurse practitioner? HELL NO.

Friends will ask you and if they are anything like mine, they know it all and well, I mean ALL. Yours won't judge you unless they are that way anyway, and I'm pretty sure at this point in your friendship you know how they are. Mine are amazing. I can talk about anything with them and offer pictures. Of the guy! Not of that! Now I know my blog is R rated, but I don't go that far. :)

These are the days of our lives

Happy SaturYAY readers!  There is not a day more glorious than Saturday.  I tanned a little and played by the pool with my sister and her friends. It was so funny to hear 20 something year olds talk about life while you, the big sister drink in hand is contemplating how much damage your skin would get if you fell asleep drinking? I watched my all time favorite show all day, worked a little, designed a little and now I'm writing a little. I am interested in your stories as well as your questions if you have anything to ask in ways of advice, business ideas or if you just want to talk about your hobbies or ways you volunteer or give to others. I am doing a little project and would like to see who really reads this blog and what can I do for however many of you that there is. There is a tiny little spot in my black little heart that tells me to care. And I do and have. I want to help. Words are all that can give now and I read really well. Your identity will never be published, unless you want to be famous in my tiny little blogosphere. Think of my blog as a column in some wild non-existing newspaper that talks about our real life issues in real life actually by a real live person. This is just a personal project of my own. Consider it as if your little big life is my one great adventure.  Also, my dear readers, just because I am interested in you doesn't mean I won't write a little about myself in between on days when I feel like the Cat Woman I am. :) P.S. Your dearest is buying a house and is opening a little side gig. With help of many friends for editing, logo, investments, and free labor. Cause who doesn't love to work with their friends over some mimosas, pool and trees?   

Thoughts of Stitch- Day two

Dear friends, family, followers, etc. We woke up today just like any other day, but nicely in a comfy bed with birds chirping outside. Then like clockwork, Oreo starts meowing and 7:15 and sits directly outside of the door scratching in. Sometimes, I want to bite; I choose not to. Mom went to work and I chased Oreo all day just for payback. Mom came home for lunch for her medication and stayed to play with me and Oreo while she ate. She had work as well because she was on the phone more than she was eating. She does that sometimes most of the time. I just wish she was home more. Or work from home. At least I can cuddle when I need to. Mommy is hooooome!! Oh, hurry and open the door! YES! I love you!! So mom is happy. Really happy. Something about a house and a realtor. I wonder what that means. Grandma is home and so is Anna. Anna is sad. Mom is so excited she's anxious. She is saying something about a house. A new house; big and more room. We are going to see it.  Geez, I hate car rides. It often makes me nervous and I just need air. Aunt Anna opens the window and mom invites me into her lap and open window as well.  Well, here we are and oh my God, this is huge. I'm going to get lost. I'm walking and hellooooo stairs. I run up, lay on mom's new bed. Run downstairs, see the kitchen and the basement. Back into kitchen and oh my God, outside! The yard is so huge. There is so much room for activities. I love it!! Mooom, when can we move in?? Hello, back home. I'm going to take a nap. This is just such an exciting day.  Mom is working on the computer. I think I'm going to chew on my bone for a while and go chase Oreo a little bit. He's sleeping; maybe I can tire him out.  Bedtime is my favorite time!! Let's go, mom! Good night guys.

Thoughts of Stitch- Day one

4/28/17- 6:30 am   Today, mom woke up just like a cat. In a panic attack. But, she's so happy towards me. She lets Oreo in for a few minutes. He sleeps with us, then wakes up, and slaps me to wake up. In which he wakes Mom up and ruins her moment. Sometimes, he isn't in the room that early, and she's calm but listening through mom ears for him and his moment to be hers. When he isn't let in, sometimes I'm glad. #sorrynotsorry.
Mom got up to let me go do my business and she left the door open. I climbed down the steps and stepped to visit our next door neighboor; but before I walk over there, I'll pee on Mom's tires because she's mine. It's mine. This house is mine. I walked down the street and stopped at the home two houses down. I peed on their lawn and decided to go on. Their little dog pisses me off. He always gets me in trouble with Mom and I am not about to ask the little ass his name. Next is the nice guy that keeps his lawn well taken care of. I usually like to walk around the little bushes on the walk way, but I'll try not to pee on them. Unless someone else has, then I have to; cause it's mine. This block is mine.
I finally get to the STOP sign and I know it's red, because I've heard Mom say it before and then make that "ha" face when she remembers that I can't see colors. Especially red. The only thing I can see is the gray image on a circle plate.   
So, I STOP. And won't go further because mom is now outside whistling for me. I start walking back and pee a little here and there on random pieces of grass, and get to the next door neighbor's yard and poop right in the middle of it. Mom gripes at me, so when I'm done, I traipse to the house like a guilty kid. It's Saturday today, which means I will be in the house today with my cat, while mom goes to visit her friend. All day I get to sleep and chase the cat around as well as chew on myself and lick on myself without anyone looking. Grandma came in for a little bit then left to visit Aunt Manuela and the family.
I was left a few hours until Grandma came back, and then Mom. It's so good when everyone is here. I'm always my happiest when family is here. I can only imagine if all family...could be together.. Anyway, it's like 1am, and I am sleeping so mom is finishing this for me. She knows what to say and she knows me so well. I ESP her while I sleep and she knows it subconsciously. She looks over at me and tells me I'm beautiful. My eyes are closed and I'm really still; she doesn't know I hear her.  Anyway, good night guys and gals, I am going to sleep. More on Stitch and fam later.

Oh hello, 1:30am. Mom needs a quiet vacuum. She spilled some goldfish crumbs and I'm all over it. Now I'm going to watch some Family Guy while mom medicates and goes to bed for some cuddles. Missed her all day.  zZzZ

Sisters

So, sisters? Annoying, pretentious, troublesome, fun, soulmates, embarrassing, considerate, rude, hurtful, joyous. Right? We all have different experiences. Mine are such different ones that I honestly don't know what I would do without any one. Manuela- wonderful mom, inspiration to other women, caring sister. I've known this woman my whole life, We had it rough.; we struggled and we overcame. We grew up, grew closer and realized that we can't do without each other. I couldn't do it without you. You have been my strength when I thought I didn't have any. You're the reason I crossed the ocean blue. Because that's what I would literally do; cross oceans for you. Please, don't ever change. Don't ever give up on your kids. They are us all over again and there will be rough times. Tetka is always here. I love you dearest sister. You are the light of my life. Anna- Oh little one, how I love you let me count the ways. You have been the most joyous, the most annoying, the most challenging and wonderful present. You are getting older and I don't know what to do with myself of both sadness and such pride. You go to school, you work hard when asked to and you pay your own way. You're also kind, generous, sometimes naive and sweet. I don't know why more people cannot have a heart like you. You have a love that is so huge, please don't try to stifle it. Your personality is getting bigger and I cannot express how thankful I am that you are growing up to be such a strong woman. Volim te do mjeseca i nazad. Casey- I sat and never got up. There is nothing you could have said that would keep me away. It was stronger than anything. Some people are just meant to be together in this mess we call life. You're my soulmate, my motivation, often my big sister and my Dear Abby. I depend on you to keep me level headed, down to Earth and able to assess a situation from both sides. There is a lot we have learned together from our family lives and opinions in general. You are broken in the ways that I can help and vice versa. We blend together and ESP each other. I don't think that I could ever thank you because often you have been the reason I have stayed in this world. I don't know whether to hit you or thank you, but I'm here. For better or worse. Because you're my half. I love your little family and that means Jason too; and I miss Barb. I remember often thinking why I don't get that worry from my own mother. I love you to the moon and back again infinite times, Kimmy- I will forever and always call you that. I will be the only one now in the world that can call you that. I miss you but I know you're near. I know you know I'm here and I cannot wait for the day we both are not so busy in our tornados to be able to get together. I am so grateful you have Aaron; and Constance and Cameron are my favorite kiddos to follow on Facebook. You have grown up into such an amazing young woman, then woman. And now you should be an inspiration to others. You have been through so much and I am so thankful I was a part of your best and worst days. I miss mom too. LYLAS!Tereza- Hardworking, amazing mom, terrific woman, awesome friend, compassionate human. I mean, you are so many things. You are my soul, my heart, the first friend in a new country, and the very best friend I've ever had. Our life experiences were similar and that's what grew us closer to each other. I cannot imagine my life without you. You have such a huge heart and your kids are absolutely lucky to have you. We sense each other with an ocean in between us and not many people can say that. Volim te najvise na svijetu!

I love you all. With every ounce, inch and heartbeat of my little black heart.

Adult status

Well, well, well. Gabi has finally grown up. Instead of living with college students and wanting to shoot myself in the head, I finally had started another chapter in my life. I moved into a house!!! Of course, cue happy dance.

The house is 2 bedroom, possibility of the attic being a third bedroom, full basement, gorgeous back yard and a sweet roommate. I am very excited to enter this new chapter of my life. With the moving to the house, I also decided it was time I actually got a big girl bedroom set and a mattress that wasn't 10 years old or belonged in a dorm room. My new mattress is a memory foam one with the snazzy cooling gel in it. It's supposed to last like 10-25 years so at some point, this will be me.

Next, I need to make a decision whether I am going to get a dog or a cat. I am an animal lover. To me, if I could have 2 of each, I'd be the happiest but I am not even 30; I don't want to be the crazy cat lady yet. I'll wait a few more years for the single life to have that effect on me and who knows? Until then..

Gym is my boyfriend

The reason I love gym so much is because it's always there. It never disappoints and every day you are closer and closer to your goal. It makes you disciplined, it makes you work for what you want and it makes you own up to your bullshit. It is the best therapy in the world. It relieves your stress, your anger, your drama, amps up your happiness and it's the best sleep aid.

I have to tell myself this every day. I get very impatient because I have been going for almost 3 months and don't see a lot of results whereas my roommate is looking like a DIME! I gotta keep reminding myself that we have different goals and body structures. She keeps me motivated though. Just seeing her body change as much as it has keeps me going and pushing for mine.

Now don't get me wrong. I HATE going to the gym, but once I am there I feel reborn. I absolute hate getting in the car for the ride to the gym. I hate getting on the treadmill with the thought of walking uphill. I hate thinking about how sore I am. I hate how sore I actually am. I hate when I struggle with my weight. I hate not being strong enough to lift what I want to lift. I hate how everyone in my gym looks like they've been there since birth and I look like a beached whale (according to me and the mirrors)....I hate..I hate...but I'm there. Every day. I still go. I don't quit. I may fall down, but I get back up. I suffer my pain because I want the body that I want.



I fall. I stumble. I don't go for a week. I get depressed. I let life get to me. I let the outside affect my inside. I let other people affect how I feel about me. I make mistakes. I am not perfect. I can't is in my vocabulary.

But I don't give up.

I can't afford to give up, because the only person I will fail is myself.

I won't give up. Even if it kills me.