No one is coming

No one is coming to save you. No one is coming to intentionally empathize or change your life. No one is coming to wipe your face, or dust the dirt off your petticoat. That's what I've realized this year; like truly, wholly realized. It hit me like a wet towel across my face when I got yet another call with bad news on the other line about my physical body. There is no one out there that's going to save you from life, from pain, from rejection, from living with yourself. You have to learn to pour into yourself because your heart, your body, your mind, your spirit...are the first home you have. Only one person that truly will be there for you- is you. And you better get your stuff together girl, cause no one is coming!

First thing, I have recently experienced a disappointment in how my love life was going. It's okay. I'm an idiot...again. I shouldn't have let myself slip for someone that wasn't available to catch me, or willing. In his defense, he warned me. I had faux hope- lesson learned. I am changing that pattern because it doesn't serve the person I am becoming. I am stepping into my full feminine and that takes lots of vulnerability and growth. Not everyone can handle that and that is okay. Sometimes, people tell you or show you that you're too much; you just need a man with bigger hands. Next thing- I have recently experienced love and intimacy which has opened me up to the desire of dating again. The desire to be wanted, loved, cared for, impressed, and honestly? Claimed. Last thing, the same person that has disappointed me has also shown me what I am capable of when it comes to relationships, no matter how complicated. I'm thankful. I've learned I want more understanding, less reading between the lines and more of the "Do you want to be mine- circle yes or no."

We often are not very forward with each other. We hide behind masks, we project insecurities and aggravations on others, we perform what our parents taught us or how life molded us. I have decided this year early on that I was going to be radically honest about everything. That is how we grow, how we evolve, how we become- in truth. I was born and raised in a not very honest family, and then add the dishonesty of the world, the greed, manipulations, the omission of truth and BOOM! You get human beings in fear of communication and touch, which are the most important senses. We forgot how to just BE. We are so busy doing, setting goals, running after money and nose-deep in the technology that we have forgotten about the importance of making memories without media.

I have a fantastic retreat coming up with amazing humans in the NY mountains. To meet, to hug, to connect with and speak my truth. To grow, remember, unplug and just BE with. The 16 year old girl inside me has been SCREAMING that she needs a safe space, a quiet, loving space, a soft space for months. She has been begging for life, for love, for connection, for romance and all she has gotten is death, disappointment, an inferiority complex, and soft rejections. Now, one thing that the adult me has figured out is how to compartmentalize and just keep swimming. I have to for survival, focus on me. Life has smacked me in the face and this retreat is perfect, Divine timing!

Toodles! 

Muse

Who, where or what is your muse? 

Is it your partner, or maybe your child? Is it a parent or a sibling? Every time you think about them or spend time with them, it opens you up creatively! Is it your cat or your dog? You sit on the ground brushing them, or take them on a walk and an idea strikes? And if it isn't a person or a thing, is there a specific spot where you go that just fuels your insides and ignites the fire? Maybe you'd get in your car, and go to that spot on the lake, sit on your favorite rock and just ponder the meaning of life, while great ideas just pour out of you? Or are you one of those people that need to go through some shit in order for your muse to appear so technically it isn't a person, place or thing and it's just a situation. Maybe it's the act of having sex. Let's be real- chemically, there is a whole lot happening in your body as you are having sex or having an orgasm so why wouldn't that be a good time to jolt some genius thought?

Recently, I was discussing being inspired to write lately and thanks to a few places, things and people, I have been writing the last couple of months more and more. I even put a little notebook in my purse so when I hear someone say something yummy, interesting or hell, even jolting, I would like to be able to keep up with it so I can ponder later on the subject. Who you surround yourself with matters, and I've been really picky lately about who I let in. I mean that whole-heartedly. I am careful about my energy, selective even. I choose people who choose me. I love people who love me. I see people who see me. I don't let anyone in my house, head or bed just willy nilly anymore. My peace is important and the world feels like it's about to spontaneously combust.

Muses have been portrayed usually by women, the feminine and only single apparition. Your muse(s) could be multiples of people, things, places and situations. For example, absolutely every time I have lunch with a friend of mine, she inspires me to become a Goddess who wants to be groveled for. She inspires me to step into my feminine wiles and she encourages my sexcapades a thousand percent! It's not one thing she says or does, it's the pure essence of her energy mingling with mine and the topics we discuss. I have another close friend, that when we spend the day together she makes me want to heal the world. Seriously. She makes me feel like I have the power to heal myself and the ENTIRE world. Can you imagine a friend's presence making you feel like that? 

Anyway, think about it. I'd love to hear about some of your muses. We don't have to name people, places, things or situations unless we want to. This is just for fun! Are you aware that you even have a muse? If not, I suggest you do some soul searching and find your person, place or thing- it's incredible! 

Second chances

Well hello there! I have been in a more creative mood lately and wish my ADHD would allow me to sit down and write them out. I have been journaling a lot more than usual and it feels good to let things out, however it’s also very lonely to be the only human in the house. Lots of changes- miss Gypsy came into my life and birthed Loki, Storm, Gypsy Jr, and Rain. And then everyone went to their forever home but Gypsy mama and Rain stayed. And then we added Lola for a few months!

First, this mami has gone back home this year!! This was a soul healing trip full of adventures, celebrations, happiness, family, friends and ALLLLLLL the Adriatic. 🖤 Therapy has me in a new awakening- it always takes a heart break to kick you in the ass! 🫡 LOL!

I have been ready to date again since last year and well, it didn’t happen last year. But this time around, I think it will. And I am happy with what the Universe has given me lately. She is definitely showering me with a lot more happiness, community, trust and random laughter. I am totally here for it! 

Secondly, I was in Hot Yoga Nashville studio all weekend for a Buti cert audit and as much as I enjoyed 30 hours of yoga, I am absolutely and utterly exhausted, sore but so damn happy! I mean, seriously?! Life changing!

Covid Chronicles

Hello, my dear readers! 

This girl has COVID and has it kind of rough. Go figure I get it when I planned a road trip weekend! These past couple of months have not been kind to my physical or my mental health. It seems I take a step forward and 5 back; I know that life is trying to teach me lessons but can I have a small break? I’ve learned them- over and over. Don’t play with boys that don’t plan a future and don’t lick people’s faces? Were those it?! Cause lessons learned! 

On a brighter note, I get to be home with my boys and since my depression has been rearing its ugly head lately, I can try and use this home time to center myself again. One problem I can see is the isolation, but with all the stimuli I’ve gotten lately it would be relaxing to just be home alone. Stitch also makes it super easy to be alone. He cuddles, he lays against me when I have fevers and he watches over me while I’m sick. Most people aren’t that comforting.

Mushu, on the other hand is currently wrapped around my feet, clawing and biting me...with love. Every time I don’t feel good he tries to entertain me with his antics and I love that. I could use the good mood. Today has been rough- fevers on and off. With those comes the high blood pressure and the ringing in the ears, as well as body aches, sniffles and a sore throat. I feel horrible! Thank God for great friends- Aaron brought me drinks and snacks and Iva is making sarma which are stuffed cabbage rolls! I usually get some at Christmas, but since I had a horrendous Christmas, I didn’t get to eat any. Also, my mother never brought me a plate like she said she would. Anyways, that’s my reality for right now people! Struggle is real!

Until next time, toodles!

Bittersweet existence

Life has a way of knocking you on your ass and then picking you up to dust you off. This year so far has been purely that; short bursts of being flattened against the pavement, followed by a pick me up. I sometimes stop to ask God "Why?", but then I re-evaluate and realize that sometimes I just need to let it be and trust that I will figure it out. I've been on rock bottom before and this time, it will take a lot more to knock me down. It's a bittersweet existence in this world and life treats us like a Sour Patch Kid- first it's sour, then it's sweet. I'll let you know when it gets sweet.

I would like to announce that Bowling Green has me for another year. I accepted a position in another state but that will have to wait cause life be lifing. It seems when there are too many things up in the air, one has extreme anxiety that stops one from being able to function and only live in moments. Not like I would know or anything. *eye roll*. I've invested recently into trying to develop interests and skills that I can use for many years to come, so if you're into adventures, raise your hand or hit your girl up with some ideas. I figure with the way things are going in this country, I may need to be skilled to do 52 jobs to survive, just in case.

Eeek! Tomorrow is Monday! This week is going to be a short week, thankfully. I need a little rest this weekend, as well as some relaxation. I like my job, but after working my ass off this past week, I deserve a little break. It's all about self-care, right?! If this week had gone the way it was supposed to, I would be packing right now. Instead, I have spent my Sunday cleaning, spending time with my friends, and getting things done. All in all, it's been a productive one. I hope Sunday has treated you all right. 

Against the wall

Hello. It's me. Dear Jesus, thank you. God, if you're listening, I'm grateful. I'm struggling, but I cannot believe how you answer my prayers. If you do not directly influence me, then thank you for sending people my way. I'm especially thankful for a few just today. It means a lot to me that you believe in me, that you think of me and that you help me in any way I need it. Guys, tho..seriously. Thanks for asking, texting, wishing, praying, paying and everything else in between. You have made me cry in joy, and God only knows I can never repay you. Thank you to theether, Anna, for your smiling face that I saw at lunch even if it was for a few minutes. Thank you to my theether from another mister, Hana, you're the real MVP. You've been my GPS, my photographer and my delivery woman all week. Thank you big sister, Manuela, for my 2nd tests and your words of encouragement throughout this week. I love you. 

That brings me to my second point. I cannot schedule these tests until way later in June it seems like which switches my plans a little LOT. It just seems like every time I try to do something in the education field, it's cursed to fail before it begins. It's frustrating. Life is frustrating. I am so frustrated I could scream. Or go for ice cream. I think I'll take a yogurt instead and plan a vacation if my dream doesn't work out this year. C'est la vie!! So hello guys, how's your Thirsty Thursday going? Is everyone still alive- y'all make it out okay?

Just wanted to make sure that this Thursday didn't end up with some victims. Much love. 

Different America experience

I woke up today, watched the news and cried. I wish the mother-ship would come and take me home  where the world is peaceful and we aren't killing each other because we have different skin colors, or religions, or interests, etc. I don't understand why it's always "us against them". I don't understand why we can't just look at each other like two human beings in this sad world of ours full of injustice anyway. We all have our own America story. We all have our own experience. None of us live in a perfect world and we all have our trials and tribulations.

I wonder why we can't just get along or move along if we don't. I don't understand... It makes me sad. It upsets my soul. I hope it bothers you. I hope you know that if you feel a little danger, a gun is not the first thing you need to pull to disable the danger. A danger that may not end up being a danger at all but because you've been conditioned to believe that someone a little darker than you is an immediate threat. A danger that may have children at home, waiting for him to get home from the grocery store. A danger that is a man in this shitty world just like you are.

So that's how my Sunday began. I wonder what your America experience is. I always call on my readers to write me, and none of you do. But as much as some of you troll on FB and type your opinion where it doesn't matter, why don't you type it somewhere where it may? Like starting difficult conversations about your version of America and sharing it with someone who isn't like you? This world isn't puppies and sunshine. We aren't alone, but everyone is scared to care. And hey..I get it. If your world and your American dream isn't working out and you're bitter..I get it. I've been there and am there on some days. We can still chat about it.

Life is one. My enjoyment and disdain at the same time is sorting through myself, and no one wants to look in the mirror and analyze. Self-analyze. That's scary. We all want to believe we're good, kind, happy and that we try. So do it today. Go to that place of hurt. Understand it. Cry about it. Drink or smoke through it. But understand it. Be honest with yourself to admit when you are wrong, when you've said something racist, sexist or any kind of ism/t that represents your differences from someone else - but admit it. Admit it to yourself. Have that hard conversation with yourself and then find someone else and start it again. Keep working through it, because hate and fear were taught. Our way of "seeing differences" first was instilled by someone, somewhere in our lives; don't be afraid to admit they were wrong!!!




P.S. This was a backdated post from about two weeks ago and finished today. Thankfully it's not Sunday yet.

Parents

Oh you chose me. For whatever reason you chose to have me. I've often wondered why God said "Those parents!" and just handed me over. Mom, I just never could be a full girl; but as I'm finding out you're not much of one either. Dad, I am the best son you've ever had; I take care of myself and you've never really had to worry about paying for my dresses, books and college. I took care of me. You both have taught me so much and I just cannot thank you enough. It hasn't been an easy road and the fact that it's still unsure is a bit disconcerting.  There are many things you've taught me; there are many things I've had to learn on my own when I wasn't ready. I grew up fast, and hard, I learned things the hard way and I've been put through hell. You've been there times to pick me up and often, it was great timing. I didn't have to ask. I never did.  My dear parents, you tried your best. Of that, I'm pretty sure. I cannot thank you enough for being there for me when I needed you the most and when I didn't think I had it in me to keep going. For some reason, I always found my way back to you; whether it was to visit Dad back home in Croatia, move in with mom or move mom in after life decides to show its ugly side.

FBGM- My ideas

• Day 1- Buy car

• Day 7- Buy house

• Day 14- Open company

• Day 15- Start working more hours

• Day 20- Sign up for graduate school

• Day 30- Have a fucking panic attack

• Day 31- Keep having the same panic attack

• Month 2/ Day 2- Panic attacks galore

Saturday

Please someone explain to me why I am up at 6:34 am on a Saturday when I can sleep until noon regardless of what I have to do today. Lately, I've been blogging in my own head at my own risk and I am not sure if you've ever done that but it looks a little like ..

So ...

Help. Me.

I need to let it out. I painted a little the other day with a friend of mine and I forgot how good that felt. I am screaming inside my own head just like the girl in my cover photo. Which reminds me, I have to change the damn name of this blog and the cover as well. Any ideas? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Work is the usual hell. Nothing new there. New things are happening though. Changes are coming and we shall see if that's great or defeating.

And I am always like....--------------->>>>>>>>

And I get a kick out of people asking me why I am still single. And then I think about every guy I talk to and I giggle. I tell them that I need someone who can handle my kind of crazy after they learn my kind of crazy and then make a grown up decision whether to handle it for a longer period of time, if not forever.

BEST RUN ON SENTENCE EVERRR! 

Just a thought. If I decided to be a boy, would you still love me? What if I lost everything and had to pull a Drake and start from the bottom. What if I had anxiety and depression but I high maintain and need you sometimes to unpack with me? What if I was okay and you were not; would I do the same for you? With my whole being.

Toodles.

Mama is HOME!

Well..the other home..you know, the one overseas. Technically, I am home here too. But that one is my home home. This one is my current one.

Oh whatevs, you know what I mean..just read on.

So, anyway..a few months ago, I wrote a post freaking out about going home 20 years later. You can read about that here. 

It wasn't bad at all. We landed in Zagreb, and took the bus to Banja Luka, Bosnia. Arriving at the bus station, the city still looked very unfamiliar to me but that's mostly because when I was younger, I never went to the city's traveling bus stop. We rode in the cab all the way to my grandmother's apartment building. The moment the cab driver pulled up, tears ran down my face involuntarily. I was home. 

My grandmother didn't know we were coming and now that I think about it, surprising her after 10 years probably wasn't the best idea. Poor woman could have had a heart attack! Seeing each other after so long, we handled it like champs cried like little girls. She wouldn't let us out of her sight for the first few days so we got nothing done and went nowhere. After that we were let loose like a pack of wild animals and some of us didn't make it home until 3 or 4 o'clock in the morning.

What can I say? My country knows how to party.

So anyway, we spent the next two weeks sightseeing, shopping, visiting a WHOLE bunch of family and friends I did not know we had. It looked something like this.

Oh, wait? Did you think I was finished? Oh honey child, just because I post pics doesn't mean I'm done! So after the wonderful two weeks with my grandmother, uncle and various other company in Banja Luka, Bosnia we decided to go to Croatia. For one my dad lives there and I couldn't wait to see him, and for two grandma is turning 80 and mom wanted to give her a birthday present that she would absolutely love.

So the four of us (mom, me, little sister and grandma) took a bus from Banja Luka to Livno, from Livno to Split and from Split to Trogir, then a cab ride to Ciovo and voila. I was in home number two. Did I mention home number two is two houses down from the beach and the Adriatic sea? Must have slipped my mind. While I was in Croatia, I traveled with my dad to Vojnic to pick up his girlfriend. We went the sea route of course. I wanted to watch the sea while traveling as long as I could. 

Mom and grandma went back to Bosnia after 6 days and my little sister decided to stay for a little while longer with me.

We came back to Bosnia 5 days later and then traveled back to the US couple of days later.

Instead of drowning you with the history of me, or the stories that were told back and forth..I rather will leave you with the beautiful pictures of both of my homes. I hope you enjoy.

P.S. I should have married and stayed.. Haha not. Seriously.

20 years later

So, 20 years since I've been back to my hometown in Bosnia and I am nervous. I am travelling in May and coming back in June with my sister and my mother. My father doesn't know I'm coming and neither does my grandmother. I want it to be a nice surprise. I have many emotions running through me about going back. I just hope I can handle it. If you don't know why I am nervous, shame on you for not keeping up with World news and if you are younger than 20 years old, disregard that comment.

In 1992, war broke out in Bosnia and many of us were chased out of our homes, our families and friends were killed and we left our country in refuge for a better tomorrow. My sister and I had to leave after the war was over in 1995 and we moved to Croatia to be with our father.
Many of my memories are suppressed deep down and it will take years of therapy to recollect all of the things I forgot. Not to mention, many of us have undiagnosed PTSD and it affects us daily in our lives. Most of our people found refuge in America and it wasn't easy starting a new life. We dealt with prejudice, religious bashing, nightmares and general terrorizing from the American people. Don't get me wrong; not everyone was the same. There are some genuinely good human souls out there. I am forever thankful to live here and be safe, but not everyone feels the same about us being here. We are intruders, job-stealers, terrorists, corrupt, ugly reminders of the past.

Now, after 20 years I am going back to the place that started it all. Going back to the place where my memories lie buried, to the place that set the standards of my growing up. I had the best childhood growing up. We didn't have distractions like kids today have. We were raised to respect, work hard and to stand up for what we believed in. We had happiness; genuine, innocent friendships. I miss my family and want to see them! But..I'm scared. I'm scared that the memories will come rushing back and I will come unhinged. I'm scared that I may go and not come back the same person I've become or worse.

I hope this trip opens my eyes, brings my memories back so I can remember where I came from and instills all of my family morals further. I hope it's a growing experience instead of just revealing scary skeletons in my closet.

I hope...I'll keep you updated.

Why couldn't I have lost my passport?

So, I'm back.

No, don't get excited.
Seriously.. I'm not. I left sunny, beautiful, exhilarating Mexico 87 degree weather and came back to 4 inches of snow and ice, accidents all over the roadways. Oh, and to top it off I was stuck at mom's on Sunday and was late to work on Monday because of this white shit.

Blah. Anyway, about my heaven of a vacation...

 The moment I arrived at the hotel, I ran to the window to check out the view. This was it. Oh glory be to God, if this is Heaven I am going to church on Sunday. Just kidding. Next thing I did, of course, was go to lunch and have una cerveza (a beer or five).

Besides checking out the views, on the beach is where I spent my vacation. I mean, can you blame me? Of course, I am a girl so I did some shopping and some drinking, but mostly my buns were in the sand. 

The first sightseeing tour was Chichen Itza, our 7th World Wonder, The Mayan Ruins. Being there was fun even though it was a lot of walking. It was very educational and very inspiring. I love history as long as it's fun and our tour guide Alejandro (Alex) made it amazingly entertaining. While I was there, I bought a Mayan pendant that has my first name initial engraved in Mayan language. I am wearing the pendant now. Also, I received a birth certificate painted in Mayan language on this old piece of paper that reminds me of the Egyptian papyrus. 

The next tour we went on was to Isla Mujeres, the Island of Women. The reason it's called that is because of the many statues of women on the island. We got there by a catamaran, swam, snorkeled, ate and lounged on the beach a little. When we got there, we took a taxi tour of the island where I held a shark and took many pictures of the island. 

The snorkeling was the best part for me. My dad always used to say I should have been born a fish and trust me my fish instincts came out in Mexico.

 The next tour was Xel-Ha Park! Oh em gee! It's like a water amusement park where you can swim with dolphins, swim with manatees, snorkel, scuba dive, do underwater walks, handle macaws and see lots of reptiles. Plus there are three restaurants in the park and all the food and drinks (alcohol as well) is included in your entrance price. We didn't waste time. We immediately snorkeled for hours, ate and drank until we were happy and then went to do the activities that we wanted to do.

So again I say...Why couldn't I have lost my passport???