Spirituality 3.0

I'm going to be real honest here and tell you that I have set the Bible down. It's been sitting on my coffee table last two weeks just looking at me. I have made it to Numbers. When I decided to read the Bible cover to cover, I knew it was going to take a lot of focus for several reasons. I wasn't a huge history nut when I was younger, I watched my family do dumb shit and justify it with celebratory Catholicism and was made fun of for going to church and Sunday school. So.. not a big fan of religion already and then I come to the US and saw all the money poured into churches but not homeless shelters, and I had enough. Religion just has never been my cup of tea, and I was familiar with a few of them; while I believed a little of each I just never belonged in any single one. I was a little bit Catholic, with a hint of Muslim and a pinch of Jehovah's witness, and add some Buddhism 101 on the side. 

Fast forward to now, I have searched long and hard until I reached spirituality which to me was believing in all of the religions, in all of the Gods and Goddesses, deities and saints. Everyone is right, every God is the "one" and everything you believe in that is good is great. I don't argue anyone over my views being right or wrong, and I don't push the way I believe onto someone else. Not anymore. It's just simple peace, in my head, in my heart and my soul is learning to relax daily. My nervous system has always been in a war zone, but this year it's learning to breathe, be still and become what it should have been all along- regulated, efficient, loving.

So back to religion and God. My beliefs are different than most people's. I think God is in each of us, I think Heaven and Hell are right here on Earth, and I think that many Messiah's have walked this Earth and potentially some would be considered "schizo or crazy" now in our modernized societies all over the world. I also believe in magic and things that religion, God, spirituality, science cannot explain and don't have a word for besides magic or woo-woo. You can go ahead and take me out back, hang me or stone me because I will stand by my beliefs. I feel them deeply. I feel the magic in my skin every time I hear a good song. I feel it in my hands the moment I enter a room filled with heavy energy. I feel it in my belly when someone I like looks at me in that way and compliments my existence in their life. 

So yeah, magic is everywhere. In you, in me, in them, in it. Our Creator is good all the time, magic is a big part of it. Anyway, I'm going to sign off on this short and sweet post by saying I choose to keep my childlike magic alive every day and it's a very hard job. The lack of whimsy in adulthood is disgusting and I recommend you to go outside and frolic in some grass today and see if your ass doesn't feel like magic. You can't be sad, mad, or unhappy if you're skipping. Toodles!!

Your brain

BRAAAAAINS!!! We all have them, not all of us use them, but its main function is to keep us alive, not happy. Because of my own struggles with my own brain, I have often read books on the wonder of our brain- how it thinks, what chemicals do what, where the secret doorways are and how to make more neurons! Because of my fascination with the brain, it always made me wonder what makes us great humans, but also what can make us go tick tick BOOM! I've been fascinated with serial killers, and the dark abyss of the world for a long time on the account of that curiosity. 

As we have all seen in Inside Out 1 and 2, our brain has chemicals which do certain things, and those little assholes can sometimes get their information wrong. When they do, they wreak havoc. We think thoughts that are not like us, we get super tired or scared for no reason, and we tend to blow up at the smallest situations because our bodies think they're at war. Fun. It's so much fun being a human being. Wow! And then to be a man or a woman. Our hormones cycle every 28ish days. As a cisgender man, your cycle is daily- how great for you all. We get to feel 34 feelings before breakfast and you get to press reset at night. Just genius. Our creator definitely had a tremendous fun time making us. Anyhoo, back to the brain.

I started researching and looking into neuroscience because I was tired of people telling me to just think positive. And the terrible diagnoses like MDD, anxiety, C-PTSD and ADHD just felt like tainted labels which the capitalist patriarchy was charging me for. Or worse yet- comparing whatever I was going through only to claim "it wasn't that bad". I was sick of feeling like something was constantly wrong with me. With a little bit of reading, I realized my nervous system was doing its job, but its job was only to keep me “safe”- whatever that means. In the meantime, my nervous system was so dysregulated and dysfunctional, it would make me complete all 7F trauma responses in a safe situation. I constantly have to soothe and talk myself down from a ledge; it's exhausting but it's getting better. Things like plant medicine, meditation, sound healing, yoga, Reiki, work for me in the healing space, among many others things. It's what helps me get by on a daily basis. Call me your witchy godmother.

In September of 2021, I discovered Buti yoga because I was plummeting into a depressive state, and needed a way to get energy out of my body. A friend suggested it, I went to a class and fell in love. In March of 2022, I became a Buti yoga instructor. In 2023, going further on my yoga journey and developing my personal practice, I started my 500 hour yoga teacher training including meditation, breathwork and somatic therapy which I graduated from in March of 2024. My YTT broke me open. It put me face first with some very uncomfortable situations, while going through a series of unfortunate events and just wanting to belong to a community was kicking in the fawn response like crazy.

As of last month, I was attuned as a Reiki 1 Practitioner. I have used these modalities to keep myself from going insane when life decides to life. I am also using these healing modalities to regulate my nervous system, develop healthy relationships with myself and others, and sink into shadow work to heal some traumas- one day at a time. Wish me luck!

Muse

Who, where or what is your muse? 

Is it your partner, or maybe your child? Is it a parent or a sibling? Every time you think about them or spend time with them, it opens you up creatively! Is it your cat or your dog? You sit on the ground brushing them, or take them on a walk and an idea strikes? And if it isn't a person or a thing, is there a specific spot where you go that just fuels your insides and ignites the fire? Maybe you'd get in your car, and go to that spot on the lake, sit on your favorite rock and just ponder the meaning of life, while great ideas just pour out of you? Or are you one of those people that need to go through some shit in order for your muse to appear so technically it isn't a person, place or thing and it's just a situation. Maybe it's the act of having sex. Let's be real- chemically, there is a whole lot happening in your body as you are having sex or having an orgasm so why wouldn't that be a good time to jolt some genius thought?

Recently, I was discussing being inspired to write lately and thanks to a few places, things and people, I have been writing the last couple of months more and more. I even put a little notebook in my purse so when I hear someone say something yummy, interesting or hell, even jolting, I would like to be able to keep up with it so I can ponder later on the subject. Who you surround yourself with matters, and I've been really picky lately about who I let in. I mean that whole-heartedly. I am careful about my energy, selective even. I choose people who choose me. I love people who love me. I see people who see me. I don't let anyone in my house, head or bed just willy nilly anymore. My peace is important and the world feels like it's about to spontaneously combust.

Muses have been portrayed usually by women, the feminine and only single apparition. Your muse(s) could be multiples of people, things, places and situations. For example, absolutely every time I have lunch with a friend of mine, she inspires me to become a Goddess who wants to be groveled for. She inspires me to step into my feminine wiles and she encourages my sexcapades a thousand percent! It's not one thing she says or does, it's the pure essence of her energy mingling with mine and the topics we discuss. I have another close friend, that when we spend the day together she makes me want to heal the world. Seriously. She makes me feel like I have the power to heal myself and the ENTIRE world. Can you imagine a friend's presence making you feel like that? 

Anyway, think about it. I'd love to hear about some of your muses. We don't have to name people, places, things or situations unless we want to. This is just for fun! Are you aware that you even have a muse? If not, I suggest you do some soul searching and find your person, place or thing- it's incredible! 

Kindness

This word has popped up a lot for me lately and it got me thinking. It's almost one of those "in" words now that are plastered on T-shirts, office walls and jewelry, but do we really participate in kindness? When was the last time you were kind? Are you only kind to certain people? How about being kind for no reason- when it didn't benefit you at all? Do you quantify kindness and think things like "I did it yesterday, I don't have to today"?

I've always been deep into language- maybe because I've had to learn 3 before my 12th birthday. Here is what the dictionary says about kindness --"the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate". Now, first thing I noticed was the and in the sentence which means being kind requires us to be 3 things at the same time. So in order for me to delve further into kindness, I now have to know what being friendly, generous and considerate means. Definitions of each :) You're welcome!

Friendly- Behaving in a pleasant, kind way towards someone.

Generous- Giving or willing to freely give more of something, as money or time, than is strictly necessary or expected.

Considerate- always thinking of other people's wishes and feelings.

WOW! That sounds like a lot of work, doesn't it!? It is. That's why only special people do it and they do it well. They almost feel like magic or sunshine, as I like to say it. They are the ones you don't have to teach how to love you. They show up. They do. They don't ask and they don't wait to be asked. They see a need, and they fill it. Those are your people- and often we have to be in the muck, the yuck, the stink, the funk, the down and dirty to see who those people truly are and that sometimes sucks. It also stinks to hope for it from certain people and not have that need met. Sucks. But this post is about kindness, and I am going to kindly finish it. 

Be kind to someone today and ask them to pay it forward. THE WORLD NEEDS IT! YOU NEED IT! I NEED IT! WE NEED IT!!!!

Chronic baddies

Have you ever seen one of those signs that asks you how do you feel physically on a sliding scale 1-10 with 1 being mild pain and 10 being severe?- I would add 10 being even excruciating. Here is a breakdown of the scale- 1-3 mild pain, 4-6 moderate pain, and 7-10 being severe. Leaves much room for questioning, methinks.

I have not been at level 0 since I was in my teens. That's my truth. I have been at levels 3-8 the last 4 months. Call it getting older, call it degenerative disc disease, arthritis, stress, call it whatever makes you sleep better at night but for me it feels like "today, I am able to live or not live." At pain levels 8, people are shut down in a hospital while all I am getting is doctors telling me I'm overweight and to move. I AM MOVING- I am a fucking yoga teacher! It feels like pins and needles in my back when I walk, and it feels an elephant is sitting on my hips when I sit down, but oh when I lay? It feels wonderful, for a whole 5 minutes and then I sink in and start throbbing. It's great. Every day. 

A yoga sister of mine and I were chatting about pain sucking the life out of you and how wonderful it is to have people who you can vent to and talk to about important things such as trauma, physical, mental or spiritual! One of the many things we talked about, we were discussing how people ask questions as if the person they're asking hasn't thought of every question, solution, problem and googled naturalist medicine on how to solve it. I do appreciate people asking, but the questions get tiring. We are wasting time questioning things and not moving into action- sooner! If you know someone who is in pain, chronic, severe, excruciating pain and they are functioning?- Ask how you can help! We are handling the entire world that you are as well, but we are also physically worn out, burned out, torn down. Be kind. Offer help. Care. Hug them- it's been PROVEN to lessen pain!

Health care system as a whole is not equipped to TAKE CARE of people. It is set up as a business to keep people unhealthy- unless you do your research as well. You have to participate in your own life- get out of your own way! Our physical self is only one part of us but it's a big part in this energy field we call Earth! The medical business industry in the US is based on patching bullet wounds with Band-Aids, and that's been my experience since the very first doctor and the very first big ache! There is not a doctor that looks at you holistically to heal all parts of you- physical, mental, spiritual. So then you have to venture out and start your own research. Get into the western medicine in different states, and then turn to your woo woo friend and ask what they can do. Do whatever you need to in order to feel better because your life depends on it. So does a few people's.

Being without employment, there is a lot of work to do in order to keep my mind and body on some sort of schedule even though I just want to curl up and watch TV. I try to get out of the house once a day. Right now the only thing that keeps lessening my pain is movement- any activity to warm up my muscles and joints, plant medicine, somatic therapy, dancing, eating foods that make my body feel good and being around the people that keep my body/mind/soul safe. Also crying!!- I cry a lot lately!

Toodles!

Anonymous

You know, there was a time when we didn’t hide behind little screens and anonymous comments. There was a time when we had courage to talk our differences out instead of running. There was even a time when people actually had conversations face to face. We don’t seem to live in that time anymore. We have become keyboard warriors, micro aggressors, passive aggressive douchenozzles who haven’t leaned into vulnerability in decades! Now, I understand the world changes and some of the technology making our lives easier is doing exactly that, but weren’t we taught that everything that comes easy isn’t worth having? That’s because we weren’t supposed to be using technology so much that we forget our humanity. We forgot what it was like waiting for something to happen and having the patience to watch it unfold. We forgot what it felt like to have to apologize to someone and having the guts to look them in the face to admit you're wrong, not sending some text saying "Sorry" it took you one second to even think about. 

Instead, we comment anonymously on someone's blog without having the guts to face them, or we accumulate the dislikes, disappointments and then lash them out online. Maybe we collect them inwardly and turn on ourselves. Either way, we have been avoiding the real problems and staying silent. We forgot humanity, above all else and we turned on each other with such a hatred rather than doing what every single religion preaches which is LOVE. Have love for yourself, for your fellow humans- not just the ones you kind of like. Have enough courage to bring up the hard subjects and stay objective discussing them. Have enough vulnerability to recognize your first world fucking problems, entitlement and the privilege that you have. 

I chose to lean into curiosity instead and find out the why. I chose to find people interesting and step out of my comfort zone each day in some way to get to know other humans as they are, not as I want them to be. I chose to be among people and all of their dirty laundry, not shy away from society because there's movements we are uncomfortable with. And now, I chose to get offline and go tend to my own needs as COVID is slowly easing the hatred it has for my body.

“Nothing happens until something moves.”- Albert Einstein

Toodles!

Covid Chronicles

Hello, my dear readers! 

This girl has COVID and has it kind of rough. Go figure I get it when I planned a road trip weekend! These past couple of months have not been kind to my physical or my mental health. It seems I take a step forward and 5 back; I know that life is trying to teach me lessons but can I have a small break? I’ve learned them- over and over. Don’t play with boys that don’t plan a future and don’t lick people’s faces? Were those it?! Cause lessons learned! 

On a brighter note, I get to be home with my boys and since my depression has been rearing its ugly head lately, I can try and use this home time to center myself again. One problem I can see is the isolation, but with all the stimuli I’ve gotten lately it would be relaxing to just be home alone. Stitch also makes it super easy to be alone. He cuddles, he lays against me when I have fevers and he watches over me while I’m sick. Most people aren’t that comforting.

Mushu, on the other hand is currently wrapped around my feet, clawing and biting me...with love. Every time I don’t feel good he tries to entertain me with his antics and I love that. I could use the good mood. Today has been rough- fevers on and off. With those comes the high blood pressure and the ringing in the ears, as well as body aches, sniffles and a sore throat. I feel horrible! Thank God for great friends- Aaron brought me drinks and snacks and Iva is making sarma which are stuffed cabbage rolls! I usually get some at Christmas, but since I had a horrendous Christmas, I didn’t get to eat any. Also, my mother never brought me a plate like she said she would. Anyways, that’s my reality for right now people! Struggle is real!

Until next time, toodles!

Old-fashioned

Hello, my dear readers! I always begin my posts by greeting you fuckers and no one ever says "hello" back. How rude! 😆

I started writing this post on 10/24/21 and then never finished it or posted it because it seemed the more I thought about dating, the worse the actual dating reality got. People are afraid to be vulnerable, they want easy and no one is willing to put work in anything that looks different from their reality. I want to offer an ending now to this post.

10/2021- So, after I got back home from the gym, I immediately jumped in the shower and started to process the day. As always, I do my best thinking in the shower. I have recently acknowledged that I would like to find my life partner and have gone on several dates- today's thought process has been mostly about it. Also, it's been a blast getting over feelings for the last guy I tried to date. Emotionally unavailable douchebags who lie and cheat seem to leave a mark more so than people who actually treat you right.

So, my thinking in the shower was mainly on me being old-fashioned and wondering if anyone else felt like I do. When it comes to dating, I am a geriatric millennial. I still make phone calls, I refuse to use a lot of social media and I prefer to know where I stand when I am seeing someone. I would like none of this "talking or hanging out" nonsense. That is just messy and asking for someone's feelings to be hurt. If you don't set clear boundaries, how the hell are you supposed to know what's going on? Now, I am not saying you have to immediately jump into marriage, but why not make your intentions clear? If you'd like to just be friends with benefits, tell me. I would like to be able to make an informed decision whether I want to fuck you part time. Mine is not a community vagina; I don't want to sleep with other people through you and to be obvious, you are putting someone's  a few people's health in jeopardy (whether sex is safe or not)."

And scene! Yes, I have had situationships- you know, the one or two month dating spiels where the guy lies to you and talks to other girls. Or gets too emotionally attached and runs from anything hard. No one likes to be "tugged by their nose" as my countrymen like to say (it's a bosnian saying and the translation is much better). No 

Toodles! I hope everyone has a great weekend!!!

it's me, again

 Hello, my dear readers.. I wonder how many of you are left and still reading? Or every now and again, typing the link in or clicking on a favorite's button, just hoping that I have written something? I know I have; checked my own, that is.  I can't tell you how many times I have written a few lines, and just hoped it gave birth to more sentences by the morning. Then I'd read it and realize it just didn't have that something, so I delete it. Then I wait a few days weeks, and do it all over again. I've had a few of my old readers ask me why I am not writing anymore, as well as a few new ones. The main reason is I go to therapy and I guess all my thoughts I process in an actual journal and with my therapist. I have been trying to do that more out loud. I also can't help when I verbal diarrhea all over people sometimes. My screen comes down, and a lot of different me's come out. Sometimes at work, my hood side comes out and I think "oh shit, this is the day I get fired", but thankfully, most of the manager boys take what I spew with a grain of salt. So far, methinks. Or at least they're grown and some of them know to communicate if I've hurt their feelings.

I'm going to go crazy without work for the next 6 weeks. I am currently laid up because I've had spinal surgery. Yay, getting old for me is a blast! I am a 35 year old in a 65 year old's body, apparently. This is a mix of bad genetics, life, bad posture, a few car accidents and bad decisions sprinkled on top. Being laid up for days or weeks at a time gets you to ponder on your decisions in life, so naturally I have been going through mine with a fine toothed comb wondering "Why is this happening to me? and what could I have done differently?" I mean, it's not like I don't have any anxiety and depression anyway, but let's put ourselves in 30 stupid scenarios that have no way of happening. I don't have enough to worry about, really. Let's add silly shit to the list. *rolls eyes*

So far, being laid up and not being able to do a whole lot for myself,  I have learned to trust the process a little more rather than worry about things and try to control them. I've learned that my body will tell me when and how I need to do things, and there are consequences to it when I do not listen. So, I vow to be kinder to it and myself when I heal and during my recovery. If not, I'm afraid it's going to try to kill me harder.

I am relentless though. I couldn't have done this without my best friend; she has been with me the first week as my nurse/server and also dinner buddy. It feels weird to be on my own, but I am a good patient. I do what the doctor says. I don't push my limits when I don't need to. My family and friends are champions, constantly checking in, bringing food and making sure I am okay. Beyond blessed and grateful to be able to depend on people. 

The upside of being home, however, is being able to be with my boys every day. They are keeping me sane and entertain me with their antics. I still have a long way to go and every day, I get up for them. They lay in bed with me and cuddle when there are bad days, and they meow and throw toys at mama when it's a good day. This entire thing is a rollercoaster ride and I am taking it one day at a time. Just thankful that I am sharing it with these funny boys. 

Cut the shit out!

Okay..okay, let's not get too close. Please, keep a distance of 6ft. That isn't hard..it isn't science. Pretend there is a bullet coming for either of us if we stand closer than that to each other. Because there is. And that bullet is invisible and you only have a small chance of survival to begin with; it doesn't really matter if it was 20 ft long in the shape of Barney. Why? Because we, as the human race, SUCK ass! We are slowly dying off and the reason being?? We cannot follow simple rules!!!

1. Cough into your elbow- If you should just so happen to fuck up and cover your face for that enormously obnoxious sneeze with your hands, then by all means, please go wash them for more than 20 seconds (ABC's, birthday song, Cardi B "Bodak Yellow"- whatever your flavor is) or sanitize them, you lazy POS.

2. Socially Distance 6ft-  I know that you just can't resist and I completely understand, but I need you to stand back for your own safety and mine. When words come out of your mouth, it is followed by spit. I would like to not exchange any bodily fluids unless responsibly and consensually. Kthxbai. Which brings me to my next point.

3. Wear a mask- Find one, make one, buy one. Wear a bandana. You won't offend me for protecting yourself from me and me from yourself. We all appreciate that.

Yay! Epidural time. 

4. Clean and disinfect your work areas- Essentials, if you are working somewhere with the public like I am was**, please double, triple, quadruple whatever corporate cleaning is. They will do the legal minimum; we need to extend that to keep everyone safer. This is just a personal preference. I like knowing you and I are safe.

5. Educate yourself- Please read up on how Covid19 is spread, what the symptoms are, and if there is a testing center nearby. The more you know, the more you will do. I fucking hope!

6. Don't be a Dick- Yes, you have to wait in line. Yes, things are being done differently. Yes, there are changes. Stop, breathe, and ask yourself if you'd act like that with yo mama around! Stop it. You're not the only human with things to do. In fact, if you are not one of the ESSENTIALS, PLEASE GTFO of my way!

**I am currently on leave because of my use of steroids-- no worries, it's not the fun kind that will have me coming back to work looking like a Bosnian Massy Arias (no, she does not use them, I LOVE HER, please check her out). It's the kind that I need to have in order to be at a pain level zero like a whole human being, and it's also currently the one that is lowering my immune system to even below substandard use so I am prone to everything. Last time I was down for 5 days barely mobile, and 9 days sick. 

Because I don't know what to say lately

Different America experience

I woke up today, watched the news and cried. I wish the mother-ship would come and take me home  where the world is peaceful and we aren't killing each other because we have different skin colors, or religions, or interests, etc. I don't understand why it's always "us against them". I don't understand why we can't just look at each other like two human beings in this sad world of ours full of injustice anyway. We all have our own America story. We all have our own experience. None of us live in a perfect world and we all have our trials and tribulations.

I wonder why we can't just get along or move along if we don't. I don't understand... It makes me sad. It upsets my soul. I hope it bothers you. I hope you know that if you feel a little danger, a gun is not the first thing you need to pull to disable the danger. A danger that may not end up being a danger at all but because you've been conditioned to believe that someone a little darker than you is an immediate threat. A danger that may have children at home, waiting for him to get home from the grocery store. A danger that is a man in this shitty world just like you are.

So that's how my Sunday began. I wonder what your America experience is. I always call on my readers to write me, and none of you do. But as much as some of you troll on FB and type your opinion where it doesn't matter, why don't you type it somewhere where it may? Like starting difficult conversations about your version of America and sharing it with someone who isn't like you? This world isn't puppies and sunshine. We aren't alone, but everyone is scared to care. And hey..I get it. If your world and your American dream isn't working out and you're bitter..I get it. I've been there and am there on some days. We can still chat about it.

Life is one. My enjoyment and disdain at the same time is sorting through myself, and no one wants to look in the mirror and analyze. Self-analyze. That's scary. We all want to believe we're good, kind, happy and that we try. So do it today. Go to that place of hurt. Understand it. Cry about it. Drink or smoke through it. But understand it. Be honest with yourself to admit when you are wrong, when you've said something racist, sexist or any kind of ism/t that represents your differences from someone else - but admit it. Admit it to yourself. Have that hard conversation with yourself and then find someone else and start it again. Keep working through it, because hate and fear were taught. Our way of "seeing differences" first was instilled by someone, somewhere in our lives; don't be afraid to admit they were wrong!!!




P.S. This was a backdated post from about two weeks ago and finished today. Thankfully it's not Sunday yet.

Wonderful

Life, love and everything in between

Since I wrote last, I have had a few changes in my life which I will not talk about yet, because I am seldom happy and don't really want to jinx it for myself. 

I stop to smell the roses and take pictures of sunrises and sunsets.

I listen more and talk less.

I take more breaths and think before I speak.

I aim to learn something new at least once a day.

I have more patience.

I am not selfless by any means, but do practice holding back a lot of my learned-while-single selfish tendencies.

I've realized it's not just about me anymore. It's about an us. And maybe one day..

Love really works miracles on a person. Sometimes it's unseen.

I've become closer to my family and friends. I've ditched the ones who were not fit for me. Ultimately, you choose your friends. Surrounding yourself with positive people makes you want to become positive; honestly who you hang out with, is who you become. I have started from a shell into a cocoon and trying to become a true butterfly princess. I mean, I cannot disappoint my future legacy. And, let me tell you..it will be my fairy tale. Health, happiness and success are my goals for me and my loved ones.

My friends are happy and supportive. They are crushing goals, making goals, helping me with mine. Slowly but surely 2017 is ending and everything is looking good for 2018.

So, with that being said, I would like to know about yours. Your goals, loves, hobbies, successes. All the things that made and still make your path in life; that matters to the people who love you. "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter." Truest words have never been more spoken. So speak to me. You remain anonymous, you can state your name, you can share only with me, but I want to know.

Oh and to speak on the furry children, as well. They are well, they are spoiled, they are laying next to me while I type this. I mean, this week they have both been lovey. It's wonderful. The happiness is addictive. It transfers to different species which is wonderful as well. 

So dreams, hobbies, hopes, wishes...? I want to know yours?? 

Email gabriela.smit1126@gmail.com

Facebook me. Linked In me. Whatever you need.

Gym is my boyfriend

The reason I love gym so much is because it's always there. It never disappoints and every day you are closer and closer to your goal. It makes you disciplined, it makes you work for what you want and it makes you own up to your bullshit. It is the best therapy in the world. It relieves your stress, your anger, your drama, amps up your happiness and it's the best sleep aid.

I have to tell myself this every day. I get very impatient because I have been going for almost 3 months and don't see a lot of results whereas my roommate is looking like a DIME! I gotta keep reminding myself that we have different goals and body structures. She keeps me motivated though. Just seeing her body change as much as it has keeps me going and pushing for mine.

Now don't get me wrong. I HATE going to the gym, but once I am there I feel reborn. I absolute hate getting in the car for the ride to the gym. I hate getting on the treadmill with the thought of walking uphill. I hate thinking about how sore I am. I hate how sore I actually am. I hate when I struggle with my weight. I hate not being strong enough to lift what I want to lift. I hate how everyone in my gym looks like they've been there since birth and I look like a beached whale (according to me and the mirrors)....I hate..I hate...but I'm there. Every day. I still go. I don't quit. I may fall down, but I get back up. I suffer my pain because I want the body that I want.



I fall. I stumble. I don't go for a week. I get depressed. I let life get to me. I let the outside affect my inside. I let other people affect how I feel about me. I make mistakes. I am not perfect. I can't is in my vocabulary.

But I don't give up.

I can't afford to give up, because the only person I will fail is myself.

I won't give up. Even if it kills me.