Second chances

Well hello there! I have been in a more creative mood lately and wish my ADHD would allow me to sit down and write them out. I have been journaling a lot more than usual and it feels good to let things out, however it’s also very lonely to be the only human in the house. Lots of changes- miss Gypsy came into my life and birthed Loki, Storm, Gypsy Jr, and Rain. And then everyone went to their forever home but Gypsy mama and Rain stayed. And then we added Lola for a few months!

First, this mami has gone back home this year!! This was a soul healing trip full of adventures, celebrations, happiness, family, friends and ALLLLLLL the Adriatic. 🖤 Therapy has me in a new awakening- it always takes a heart break to kick you in the ass! 🫡 LOL!

I have been ready to date again since last year and well, it didn’t happen last year. But this time around, I think it will. And I am happy with what the Universe has given me lately. She is definitely showering me with a lot more happiness, community, trust and random laughter. I am totally here for it! 

Secondly, I was in Hot Yoga Nashville studio all weekend for a Buti cert audit and as much as I enjoyed 30 hours of yoga, I am absolutely and utterly exhausted, sore but so damn happy! I mean, seriously?! Life changing!

Bittersweet existence

Life has a way of knocking you on your ass and then picking you up to dust you off. This year so far has been purely that; short bursts of being flattened against the pavement, followed by a pick me up. I sometimes stop to ask God "Why?", but then I re-evaluate and realize that sometimes I just need to let it be and trust that I will figure it out. I've been on rock bottom before and this time, it will take a lot more to knock me down. It's a bittersweet existence in this world and life treats us like a Sour Patch Kid- first it's sour, then it's sweet. I'll let you know when it gets sweet.

I would like to announce that Bowling Green has me for another year. I accepted a position in another state but that will have to wait cause life be lifing. It seems when there are too many things up in the air, one has extreme anxiety that stops one from being able to function and only live in moments. Not like I would know or anything. *eye roll*. I've invested recently into trying to develop interests and skills that I can use for many years to come, so if you're into adventures, raise your hand or hit your girl up with some ideas. I figure with the way things are going in this country, I may need to be skilled to do 52 jobs to survive, just in case.

Eeek! Tomorrow is Monday! This week is going to be a short week, thankfully. I need a little rest this weekend, as well as some relaxation. I like my job, but after working my ass off this past week, I deserve a little break. It's all about self-care, right?! If this week had gone the way it was supposed to, I would be packing right now. Instead, I have spent my Sunday cleaning, spending time with my friends, and getting things done. All in all, it's been a productive one. I hope Sunday has treated you all right. 

Against the wall

Hello. It's me. Dear Jesus, thank you. God, if you're listening, I'm grateful. I'm struggling, but I cannot believe how you answer my prayers. If you do not directly influence me, then thank you for sending people my way. I'm especially thankful for a few just today. It means a lot to me that you believe in me, that you think of me and that you help me in any way I need it. Guys, tho..seriously. Thanks for asking, texting, wishing, praying, paying and everything else in between. You have made me cry in joy, and God only knows I can never repay you. Thank you to theether, Anna, for your smiling face that I saw at lunch even if it was for a few minutes. Thank you to my theether from another mister, Hana, you're the real MVP. You've been my GPS, my photographer and my delivery woman all week. Thank you big sister, Manuela, for my 2nd tests and your words of encouragement throughout this week. I love you. 

That brings me to my second point. I cannot schedule these tests until way later in June it seems like which switches my plans a little LOT. It just seems like every time I try to do something in the education field, it's cursed to fail before it begins. It's frustrating. Life is frustrating. I am so frustrated I could scream. Or go for ice cream. I think I'll take a yogurt instead and plan a vacation if my dream doesn't work out this year. C'est la vie!! So hello guys, how's your Thirsty Thursday going? Is everyone still alive- y'all make it out okay?

Just wanted to make sure that this Thursday didn't end up with some victims. Much love. 

These are the days of our lives

Happy SaturYAY readers!  There is not a day more glorious than Saturday.  I tanned a little and played by the pool with my sister and her friends. It was so funny to hear 20 something year olds talk about life while you, the big sister drink in hand is contemplating how much damage your skin would get if you fell asleep drinking? I watched my all time favorite show all day, worked a little, designed a little and now I'm writing a little. I am interested in your stories as well as your questions if you have anything to ask in ways of advice, business ideas or if you just want to talk about your hobbies or ways you volunteer or give to others. I am doing a little project and would like to see who really reads this blog and what can I do for however many of you that there is. There is a tiny little spot in my black little heart that tells me to care. And I do and have. I want to help. Words are all that can give now and I read really well. Your identity will never be published, unless you want to be famous in my tiny little blogosphere. Think of my blog as a column in some wild non-existing newspaper that talks about our real life issues in real life actually by a real live person. This is just a personal project of my own. Consider it as if your little big life is my one great adventure.  Also, my dear readers, just because I am interested in you doesn't mean I won't write a little about myself in between on days when I feel like the Cat Woman I am. :) P.S. Your dearest is buying a house and is opening a little side gig. With help of many friends for editing, logo, investments, and free labor. Cause who doesn't love to work with their friends over some mimosas, pool and trees?   

Thoughts of Stitch- Day one

4/28/17- 6:30 am   Today, mom woke up just like a cat. In a panic attack. But, she's so happy towards me. She lets Oreo in for a few minutes. He sleeps with us, then wakes up, and slaps me to wake up. In which he wakes Mom up and ruins her moment. Sometimes, he isn't in the room that early, and she's calm but listening through mom ears for him and his moment to be hers. When he isn't let in, sometimes I'm glad. #sorrynotsorry.
Mom got up to let me go do my business and she left the door open. I climbed down the steps and stepped to visit our next door neighboor; but before I walk over there, I'll pee on Mom's tires because she's mine. It's mine. This house is mine. I walked down the street and stopped at the home two houses down. I peed on their lawn and decided to go on. Their little dog pisses me off. He always gets me in trouble with Mom and I am not about to ask the little ass his name. Next is the nice guy that keeps his lawn well taken care of. I usually like to walk around the little bushes on the walk way, but I'll try not to pee on them. Unless someone else has, then I have to; cause it's mine. This block is mine.
I finally get to the STOP sign and I know it's red, because I've heard Mom say it before and then make that "ha" face when she remembers that I can't see colors. Especially red. The only thing I can see is the gray image on a circle plate.   
So, I STOP. And won't go further because mom is now outside whistling for me. I start walking back and pee a little here and there on random pieces of grass, and get to the next door neighbor's yard and poop right in the middle of it. Mom gripes at me, so when I'm done, I traipse to the house like a guilty kid. It's Saturday today, which means I will be in the house today with my cat, while mom goes to visit her friend. All day I get to sleep and chase the cat around as well as chew on myself and lick on myself without anyone looking. Grandma came in for a little bit then left to visit Aunt Manuela and the family.
I was left a few hours until Grandma came back, and then Mom. It's so good when everyone is here. I'm always my happiest when family is here. I can only imagine if all family...could be together.. Anyway, it's like 1am, and I am sleeping so mom is finishing this for me. She knows what to say and she knows me so well. I ESP her while I sleep and she knows it subconsciously. She looks over at me and tells me I'm beautiful. My eyes are closed and I'm really still; she doesn't know I hear her.  Anyway, good night guys and gals, I am going to sleep. More on Stitch and fam later.

Oh hello, 1:30am. Mom needs a quiet vacuum. She spilled some goldfish crumbs and I'm all over it. Now I'm going to watch some Family Guy while mom medicates and goes to bed for some cuddles. Missed her all day.  zZzZ

Saturday

Please someone explain to me why I am up at 6:34 am on a Saturday when I can sleep until noon regardless of what I have to do today. Lately, I've been blogging in my own head at my own risk and I am not sure if you've ever done that but it looks a little like ..

So ...

Help. Me.

I need to let it out. I painted a little the other day with a friend of mine and I forgot how good that felt. I am screaming inside my own head just like the girl in my cover photo. Which reminds me, I have to change the damn name of this blog and the cover as well. Any ideas? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Work is the usual hell. Nothing new there. New things are happening though. Changes are coming and we shall see if that's great or defeating.

And I am always like....--------------->>>>>>>>

And I get a kick out of people asking me why I am still single. And then I think about every guy I talk to and I giggle. I tell them that I need someone who can handle my kind of crazy after they learn my kind of crazy and then make a grown up decision whether to handle it for a longer period of time, if not forever.

BEST RUN ON SENTENCE EVERRR! 

Just a thought. If I decided to be a boy, would you still love me? What if I lost everything and had to pull a Drake and start from the bottom. What if I had anxiety and depression but I high maintain and need you sometimes to unpack with me? What if I was okay and you were not; would I do the same for you? With my whole being.

Toodles.

hello skeletons

For the past couple more like a few years, I have been silent. Silent and waiting patiently for things to get better. Crying a little, fighting a little, drinking a little, meeting and losing friends, getting my heart broken (a few times)..Years passed..I lost myself in many little pieces in many different directions. I thought maybe people could make it better. A new friendship. A new perspective. Maybe a new relationship would make my heart feel better or my life worth living. One day in summer of last year, I fell in love with a man. I poured myself into a long distance relationship and forgot, yet again, what it's like to love me, care about me, respect me, take care of me, my needs and my existence because there is not one soul who will. I traveled there and took a month long vacation, if vacation could really be the word for it. It was more like cramming a part of a life story into a month's worth of visit while you're in the mother countries with your family and the new guy while you're having a month long anxiety attack. It wasn't successful and it just took a while to crash and burn. How does one explain being in love and not being able to allow the one person who loves you love you? Oh..yeah..depression. At the time that's how it started..

Vacation left me on thin ice in relationship, family life, friendship and then my career starter to do a downward spiral. Not to mention home life wasn't and isn't necessarily in order either. So what happens to your mind frame when every aspect of your life feels like it's fallen down the rabbit hole? It goes into survival mode. It shuts off. It starts shutting off things like problem solving, information processing, patience, sleep, and people as well as many others in order for you to function as a person minimally. It starts turning on only for moments of major adulting I call work, needs, drive, repeat. Eat sometimes is part of it, but often I am too exhausted or so busy at work that I cannot function. I came back from my vacation in Croatia after a month to find that no one has done anything in my office in my job position which set me back. I am constantly trying to be the best employee because that is my responsibility, but I constantly am feeling alone in that. Anyway, long story short the job position in the company I am currently in is making my life so crazy that I have developed some really bad anxiety and have been a hermit from the everyday life. I already suffer from depression (if you're crazy and you know it- shake your meds). It has taken such possession of me and my life. I worry constantly that I am not good enough and then I think back on stuff that I have done to make me a better safety manager, make me a better coworker; hell..make me a better person. 

I've tried. And kept trying. And will keep trying to fight. In life. Work. Friends. In myself, because for the first time in life I am in a crisis. I am in need and I need some major R&R. I have to keep fighting and looking for the little things in a day to feel okay, because if I don't that will be the end of me. There are only a few people in my life that know how I feel. How I truly feel on a daily basis living with very high anxiety and very deep depression, among everything around me lookin' just a little crazy. I'm as mad as the hatter and as lost as Alice.

Mama is HOME!

Well..the other home..you know, the one overseas. Technically, I am home here too. But that one is my home home. This one is my current one.

Oh whatevs, you know what I mean..just read on.

So, anyway..a few months ago, I wrote a post freaking out about going home 20 years later. You can read about that here. 

It wasn't bad at all. We landed in Zagreb, and took the bus to Banja Luka, Bosnia. Arriving at the bus station, the city still looked very unfamiliar to me but that's mostly because when I was younger, I never went to the city's traveling bus stop. We rode in the cab all the way to my grandmother's apartment building. The moment the cab driver pulled up, tears ran down my face involuntarily. I was home. 

My grandmother didn't know we were coming and now that I think about it, surprising her after 10 years probably wasn't the best idea. Poor woman could have had a heart attack! Seeing each other after so long, we handled it like champs cried like little girls. She wouldn't let us out of her sight for the first few days so we got nothing done and went nowhere. After that we were let loose like a pack of wild animals and some of us didn't make it home until 3 or 4 o'clock in the morning.

What can I say? My country knows how to party.

So anyway, we spent the next two weeks sightseeing, shopping, visiting a WHOLE bunch of family and friends I did not know we had. It looked something like this.

Oh, wait? Did you think I was finished? Oh honey child, just because I post pics doesn't mean I'm done! So after the wonderful two weeks with my grandmother, uncle and various other company in Banja Luka, Bosnia we decided to go to Croatia. For one my dad lives there and I couldn't wait to see him, and for two grandma is turning 80 and mom wanted to give her a birthday present that she would absolutely love.

So the four of us (mom, me, little sister and grandma) took a bus from Banja Luka to Livno, from Livno to Split and from Split to Trogir, then a cab ride to Ciovo and voila. I was in home number two. Did I mention home number two is two houses down from the beach and the Adriatic sea? Must have slipped my mind. While I was in Croatia, I traveled with my dad to Vojnic to pick up his girlfriend. We went the sea route of course. I wanted to watch the sea while traveling as long as I could. 

Mom and grandma went back to Bosnia after 6 days and my little sister decided to stay for a little while longer with me.

We came back to Bosnia 5 days later and then traveled back to the US couple of days later.

Instead of drowning you with the history of me, or the stories that were told back and forth..I rather will leave you with the beautiful pictures of both of my homes. I hope you enjoy.

P.S. I should have married and stayed.. Haha not. Seriously.

20 years later

So, 20 years since I've been back to my hometown in Bosnia and I am nervous. I am travelling in May and coming back in June with my sister and my mother. My father doesn't know I'm coming and neither does my grandmother. I want it to be a nice surprise. I have many emotions running through me about going back. I just hope I can handle it. If you don't know why I am nervous, shame on you for not keeping up with World news and if you are younger than 20 years old, disregard that comment.

In 1992, war broke out in Bosnia and many of us were chased out of our homes, our families and friends were killed and we left our country in refuge for a better tomorrow. My sister and I had to leave after the war was over in 1995 and we moved to Croatia to be with our father.
Many of my memories are suppressed deep down and it will take years of therapy to recollect all of the things I forgot. Not to mention, many of us have undiagnosed PTSD and it affects us daily in our lives. Most of our people found refuge in America and it wasn't easy starting a new life. We dealt with prejudice, religious bashing, nightmares and general terrorizing from the American people. Don't get me wrong; not everyone was the same. There are some genuinely good human souls out there. I am forever thankful to live here and be safe, but not everyone feels the same about us being here. We are intruders, job-stealers, terrorists, corrupt, ugly reminders of the past.

Now, after 20 years I am going back to the place that started it all. Going back to the place where my memories lie buried, to the place that set the standards of my growing up. I had the best childhood growing up. We didn't have distractions like kids today have. We were raised to respect, work hard and to stand up for what we believed in. We had happiness; genuine, innocent friendships. I miss my family and want to see them! But..I'm scared. I'm scared that the memories will come rushing back and I will come unhinged. I'm scared that I may go and not come back the same person I've become or worse.

I hope this trip opens my eyes, brings my memories back so I can remember where I came from and instills all of my family morals further. I hope it's a growing experience instead of just revealing scary skeletons in my closet.

I hope...I'll keep you updated.

Why couldn't I have lost my passport?

So, I'm back.

No, don't get excited.
Seriously.. I'm not. I left sunny, beautiful, exhilarating Mexico 87 degree weather and came back to 4 inches of snow and ice, accidents all over the roadways. Oh, and to top it off I was stuck at mom's on Sunday and was late to work on Monday because of this white shit.

Blah. Anyway, about my heaven of a vacation...

 The moment I arrived at the hotel, I ran to the window to check out the view. This was it. Oh glory be to God, if this is Heaven I am going to church on Sunday. Just kidding. Next thing I did, of course, was go to lunch and have una cerveza (a beer or five).

Besides checking out the views, on the beach is where I spent my vacation. I mean, can you blame me? Of course, I am a girl so I did some shopping and some drinking, but mostly my buns were in the sand. 

The first sightseeing tour was Chichen Itza, our 7th World Wonder, The Mayan Ruins. Being there was fun even though it was a lot of walking. It was very educational and very inspiring. I love history as long as it's fun and our tour guide Alejandro (Alex) made it amazingly entertaining. While I was there, I bought a Mayan pendant that has my first name initial engraved in Mayan language. I am wearing the pendant now. Also, I received a birth certificate painted in Mayan language on this old piece of paper that reminds me of the Egyptian papyrus. 

The next tour we went on was to Isla Mujeres, the Island of Women. The reason it's called that is because of the many statues of women on the island. We got there by a catamaran, swam, snorkeled, ate and lounged on the beach a little. When we got there, we took a taxi tour of the island where I held a shark and took many pictures of the island. 

The snorkeling was the best part for me. My dad always used to say I should have been born a fish and trust me my fish instincts came out in Mexico.

 The next tour was Xel-Ha Park! Oh em gee! It's like a water amusement park where you can swim with dolphins, swim with manatees, snorkel, scuba dive, do underwater walks, handle macaws and see lots of reptiles. Plus there are three restaurants in the park and all the food and drinks (alcohol as well) is included in your entrance price. We didn't waste time. We immediately snorkeled for hours, ate and drank until we were happy and then went to do the activities that we wanted to do.

So again I say...Why couldn't I have lost my passport???