Bittersweet existence

Life has a way of knocking you on your ass and then picking you up to dust you off. This year so far has been purely that; short bursts of being flattened against the pavement, followed by a pick me up. I sometimes stop to ask God "Why?", but then I re-evaluate and realize that sometimes I just need to let it be and trust that I will figure it out. I've been on rock bottom before and this time, it will take a lot more to knock me down. It's a bittersweet existence in this world and life treats us like a Sour Patch Kid- first it's sour, then it's sweet. I'll let you know when it gets sweet.

I would like to announce that Bowling Green has me for another year. I accepted a position in another state but that will have to wait cause life be lifing. It seems when there are too many things up in the air, one has extreme anxiety that stops one from being able to function and only live in moments. Not like I would know or anything. *eye roll*. I've invested recently into trying to develop interests and skills that I can use for many years to come, so if you're into adventures, raise your hand or hit your girl up with some ideas. I figure with the way things are going in this country, I may need to be skilled to do 52 jobs to survive, just in case.

Eeek! Tomorrow is Monday! This week is going to be a short week, thankfully. I need a little rest this weekend, as well as some relaxation. I like my job, but after working my ass off this past week, I deserve a little break. It's all about self-care, right?! If this week had gone the way it was supposed to, I would be packing right now. Instead, I have spent my Sunday cleaning, spending time with my friends, and getting things done. All in all, it's been a productive one. I hope Sunday has treated you all right. 

Against the wall

Hello. It's me. Dear Jesus, thank you. God, if you're listening, I'm grateful. I'm struggling, but I cannot believe how you answer my prayers. If you do not directly influence me, then thank you for sending people my way. I'm especially thankful for a few just today. It means a lot to me that you believe in me, that you think of me and that you help me in any way I need it. Guys, tho..seriously. Thanks for asking, texting, wishing, praying, paying and everything else in between. You have made me cry in joy, and God only knows I can never repay you. Thank you to theether, Anna, for your smiling face that I saw at lunch even if it was for a few minutes. Thank you to my theether from another mister, Hana, you're the real MVP. You've been my GPS, my photographer and my delivery woman all week. Thank you big sister, Manuela, for my 2nd tests and your words of encouragement throughout this week. I love you. 

That brings me to my second point. I cannot schedule these tests until way later in June it seems like which switches my plans a little LOT. It just seems like every time I try to do something in the education field, it's cursed to fail before it begins. It's frustrating. Life is frustrating. I am so frustrated I could scream. Or go for ice cream. I think I'll take a yogurt instead and plan a vacation if my dream doesn't work out this year. C'est la vie!! So hello guys, how's your Thirsty Thursday going? Is everyone still alive- y'all make it out okay?

Just wanted to make sure that this Thursday didn't end up with some victims. Much love. 

Different America experience

I woke up today, watched the news and cried. I wish the mother-ship would come and take me home  where the world is peaceful and we aren't killing each other because we have different skin colors, or religions, or interests, etc. I don't understand why it's always "us against them". I don't understand why we can't just look at each other like two human beings in this sad world of ours full of injustice anyway. We all have our own America story. We all have our own experience. None of us live in a perfect world and we all have our trials and tribulations.

I wonder why we can't just get along or move along if we don't. I don't understand... It makes me sad. It upsets my soul. I hope it bothers you. I hope you know that if you feel a little danger, a gun is not the first thing you need to pull to disable the danger. A danger that may not end up being a danger at all but because you've been conditioned to believe that someone a little darker than you is an immediate threat. A danger that may have children at home, waiting for him to get home from the grocery store. A danger that is a man in this shitty world just like you are.

So that's how my Sunday began. I wonder what your America experience is. I always call on my readers to write me, and none of you do. But as much as some of you troll on FB and type your opinion where it doesn't matter, why don't you type it somewhere where it may? Like starting difficult conversations about your version of America and sharing it with someone who isn't like you? This world isn't puppies and sunshine. We aren't alone, but everyone is scared to care. And hey..I get it. If your world and your American dream isn't working out and you're bitter..I get it. I've been there and am there on some days. We can still chat about it.

Life is one. My enjoyment and disdain at the same time is sorting through myself, and no one wants to look in the mirror and analyze. Self-analyze. That's scary. We all want to believe we're good, kind, happy and that we try. So do it today. Go to that place of hurt. Understand it. Cry about it. Drink or smoke through it. But understand it. Be honest with yourself to admit when you are wrong, when you've said something racist, sexist or any kind of ism/t that represents your differences from someone else - but admit it. Admit it to yourself. Have that hard conversation with yourself and then find someone else and start it again. Keep working through it, because hate and fear were taught. Our way of "seeing differences" first was instilled by someone, somewhere in our lives; don't be afraid to admit they were wrong!!!




P.S. This was a backdated post from about two weeks ago and finished today. Thankfully it's not Sunday yet.

My February started like this

I was the passenger. The car slid and flipped twice.

Isn't this great? As if my life didn't have enough problems. People keep saying "God won't give us more than we can handle." Well, he must fucking think I'm Superwoman.

Hey, you up there! I AM NOT HAPPY WITH MY LIFE! You can let up any day now and leave me alone for a couple of months. I'm sick of this shit.

Btw, guys, I'm okay. Arm and back are the ones in pain. The rest of me is just emotionally hurt, scared of everything now and awfully misunderstood still.

HAJMO BOSNO BOSNO BOSNO HAJMO HERCEGOVINO

Let me tell you about my last weekend. Well, the stuff that I can remember anyway. It was the Bosna and Herzegovina vs. Argentina soccer game in St. Louis and of course, it's against our religion not to go...so there we were on Friday (soccer game is on Monday). Friday we all decide to go out and party. I mean when you have nothing else to do but to mingle with your country-folk and all they do is drink, why not? When in Rome Bosnia, right? There are 4 popular Bosnian bars in St. Louis and that is Skala, Vivid, Code and Club Europe. These became our watering holes for the whole weekend.

Friday- Skala Bar

Saturday- Skala, attempted Code, back to Vivid

Sunday- Vivid and Europe

Monday- Soccer game and Vivid

Tuesday- let's go home!!!

The soccer game is an unbelievable experience. Not because of the game, but because of our people. We are the loudest, the most obnoxious, the most prideful country in the world anyway. Put us in a competition somewhere against others and you will quickly see all of those characteristics come out. There were over 30,300 people at the game with over 30K being Bosnians.

The day of the game we waited in front of the hotel trying to get a picture of the players. I got a picture of my favorite one and a video of all of them together. 

I can die happily now.
No, seriously. It was my dream to see BIH play and now that I have, I can just croak right now.

 For the game I decided to go all out. Face paint!!! I get to paint, act like a dork AND go root for my country??? Hell to the yes. The blue isn't as bright as I wanted it to be, but by the end of the night it was all green anyway. When we got to the game, I freaked out over "jumping seats", but learned you can apparently do that when the stadium isn't sold out. Learn something new every day. At half time we decided to go smoke because even though the stadium is outside, smoking is prohibited. 

Stupid.

We were an amazing opponent in the first half, but in the second half we just started playing like girls. I understand it was a friendly game and it "doesn't count" but mama told me to do my best always.

Grrr!

A little bitter about traveling for them to play like pansies, but I understand. Damn it.

After the game..well..the pictures tell all.