In 1992, war broke out in Bosnia and many of us were chased out of our homes, our families and friends were killed and we left our country in refuge for a better tomorrow. My sister and I had to leave after the war was over in 1995 and we moved to Croatia to be with our father.
Many of my memories are suppressed deep down and it will take years of therapy to recollect all of the things I forgot. Not to mention, many of us have undiagnosed PTSD and it affects us daily in our lives. Most of our people found refuge in America and it wasn't easy starting a new life. We dealt with prejudice, religious bashing, nightmares and general terrorizing from the American people. Don't get me wrong; not everyone was the same. There are some genuinely good human souls out there. I am forever thankful to live here and be safe, but not everyone feels the same about us being here. We are intruders, job-stealers, terrorists, corrupt, ugly reminders of the past.
Now, after 20 years I am going back to the place that started it all. Going back to the place where my memories lie buried, to the place that set the standards of my growing up. I had the best childhood growing up. We didn't have distractions like kids today have. We were raised to respect, work hard and to stand up for what we believed in. We had happiness; genuine, innocent friendships. I miss my family and want to see them! But..I'm scared. I'm scared that the memories will come rushing back and I will come unhinged. I'm scared that I may go and not come back the same person I've become or worse.
I hope this trip opens my eyes, brings my memories back so I can remember where I came from and instills all of my family morals further. I hope it's a growing experience instead of just revealing scary skeletons in my closet.
I hope...I'll keep you updated.
Oh my, I feel like I need to give you a huge virtual hug! I hope everything goes alright. I can't even imagine how many emotions you're feeling right now. At least you'll be reunited with family who will help you survive the trip? You're definitely very brave for going back and facing your fears! Be strong, girl!
ReplyDeleteOh, Em! Virtual hug received. :) I hope everything goes alright as well. We shall see. I will be there 3 weeks, so plenty of time to get settled and explore my past. Thank you for commenting and for always knowing what to say! <3
Deletei teach at a school with a teacher who is a croatian refugee. i learned so much from his story and yours. keep telling it! :)
ReplyDeletei hope you have a very healing trip. i know it will be difficult, but it's an amazing opportunity for you to experience everything that you want out of it.
Thank you! I hope it's a healing trip as well. I am so excited to go back to Bosnia. I am also excited to go to Croatia and see my father. :)
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