The End

So the end of an era has come. I was in a 2.5 year relationship that was and has been ending badly for some time. The feelings are there but the effort, trust and communication haven't been lately, if ever. If the movies make you believe love is enough to conquer all, you're an idiot. In real life it takes much more than that to make it through any relationship, no matter how good it is. Having trust doesn't mean that the person will never hurt you. It means that you know the person well enough that you should know they won't hurt you on purpose. It also means that you know them enough to not listen to everything you hear, believe everything you see and take the time to listen to reason. If you love the person and know them, a chance to explain the utmost unreasonable should be given; chances are it was given to you. Most people don't; they assume, they generalize. When it comes to the flight or fight instinct, we have become a fleeing nation. Communication is really the key. Whatever you like or don't like will not always be cared about but if you never vocalize anything then you're partially to blame why the person keeps doing what they are doing. They will only do to you what you allow them to do. I know this is easier stated, than actually lived, but ultimately your heart is on the line and if you're planning to fight, you need to do so with full cards on the table. Anyway, since the relationship has ended, I have decided to do for me. Live for me, plan for me, cross things off my bucket list and have some fun along the way. Because let's be serious. Dating? Awkward. Uncomfortable. Unnerving. Disappointing. Not always, but most of the time.

And let's be honest. I am 29. I am not getting any younger or any more virile. I'm not 50 either, but the chances of me finding a guy compared to 18 year olds my ex is probably chasing with tits to their neck and an ass that could open beer bottles, are slim. 

We also cannot forget the many. many douchebags in this world. Just don't pretend to be the nice guy if you aren't.

And last but not least, we cannot forget what I am like. HOT MESS EXPRESS! I may be proven wrong..we shall see.

Last word

I grew up a kid of divorced parents and I was also a middle child, so I was fucked hardcore from beginning. I have many issues and none of them I fear. They're a part of me and every characteristic rolled up into this is me. I fear failure, I fear a lot of things in life, but I will never fear who I am. That's the only thing I have left in this world. My integrity. My self-righteousness and my word. I don't promise I'm an angel. I have fallen many times. I have clipped my wings once this little girl grew up and started living in our jacked up world. I don't promise to be a good sister, a good daughter or even a good friend. But one thing I do promise is that I will always tell it how it is. The truth, whole truth and nothing but the truth. I would rather hurt your feelings once with the truth, than hurt your feelings every time you remember the lie.
Few people know me as me and they take me as I am. I have mostly guy friends because frankly, girls talk shit. Girls remind me of my own weaknesses and guys are just easier with emotions than we are. I learn a lot from people I am around and I chose to surround myself with people who remind me how the world is and how the hell to deal with it all. I choose to surround myself with people who are honest; I sometimes fail. I fail to see the person for their true colors and I am often surprised when I feel the cold steel in my back. 
Many people don't know me at all. Usually, I try. I try to make you see me. I try to bring you into the world of Gabi, but often I make mistakes because I am human and sometimes, people judge me for the little stupid shit that happens. Chances are, my mistakes are twisted and turned into something ugly for the world to talk about it. If you never let me fix it, you never gave me a chance.
Here is a little, small, minute insight on me. I will never lie to you. If I fuck up, I will royally fuck up and stand by my mistakes. If I tell you you look fat in those jeans, you really do. If I tell you you're beautiful, I mean it with my whole heart. If I give you advice, it means I care enough about you to want you to do better. If I trust you, it means you've worked hard enough to jump over my walls and get in. I will never lie to protect your feelings because that lie will turn into many more I have to tell you to make sure you're okay and frankly, I am way too lazy to try to remember what I said to you yesterday to make sure it matches what I tell you today. My short term memory sucks anyway and I don't care to think too much. If I tell you I'm your friend, it means I will stand by you no matter what. If I tell you I love you, it means you're carrying my heart. Don't break it.

No one ever died from humor

Humor is a part of life and if you can't laugh at yourself, then shut your pie hole about other people's lives. For me, I laugh at something I do everyday. Mainly because I'm incredibly skilled in tripping over thin air and walking into walls. I always say quite a bit about my life on my blog and I feel like the readers I have, I am loyal to..but sometimes you have to take a break from reality and just fucking laugh. So enjoy the memes and have a great weekend. So how I feel after leg day

When I am in the gym, I tend to think I am the Hulk and I should be able to lift heavier and do more because well, stupid. Then the next day, I am praying to God to let me sit on the toilet because, well STUPID.

I took the same amount of pre-workout as I used to at the beginning of this year when I was regularly going to the gym because bad ass.

My most hated thing at the gym is when people are sitting at the machine, not using it and doing something else other than lifting. One of these days bro..one of these days.

I like to workout at my own pace, at my own weight skill and on my own time. I appreciate advice and constructive criticism, but...

My favorite question in the world is "you lift? you want to be huge?"

When people say lifting is bad for me, and that I should only do cardio so I don't get bulky.

OhEmGee

Is it possible to run away from your own life? I feel at some point today, I have reached a breaking point. The people that have said would never hurt me, did. The people that said they would never leave, have gone. Disappointment is a part of life but it seems like that's all my life has been lately; just a serious of hope and let downs. I am a chronic worrier and I am also the one who tries to fix things. I have the best intentions, really. From this moment, that stops. I am literally all out of fucks to give. I will no longer worry about people that don't worry about me. I will not try to fix any relationships, friendships or anything unless they show effort as well. So that's my small rant for today and now for the funny parts that you all expect from me. When one more person everyone tells me I am getting "up in age and I need to settle down and get married"

When people ask me if I am "done with drinking, partying and night clubs"

When people tell me I need to get serious about my life

When I am out with my married friends and they want to go home at 12 just as everyone is coming out

When all of my younger friends are getting married and I am just over here like...

Went to a wedding this weekend and got asked when it will be my turn

Just a little somethin' for Hump Day

So, most of you that know me know that I am a safety manager at a trucking company. Just means I babysit 50+ people who should know how to do their job already but don't. I wake up in the morning at 6am and my face is legit this..

Then, I get out of bed. I come to work. I try to enjoy my day and realize that my job pays my bills, lets me live comfortably and is very easy and laid back. Going throughout my day, I sometimes check FB and when I do..

Then I see posts by my homies and I just laugh at the above and move on with my day. Because "ain't nobody got time fo' dat". 

After I get off work, I never have plans. It's like wherever the wind takes me. Basically means I have time to gym and just choose to be a lazy ass, but my day is coming y'all. If I crash on the couch, I watch my new favorite show "Sons of Anarchy" and let's be honest why all women watch it..

But fact is I really love Gemma. She is one bad ass bitch. Makes me really want to start a motorcycle gang like "Breaking Bad" made me want to cook meth. Yes, I have issues.

Today is a special day because I get to go pick up my baby and bring him home. Meet the new love of my life, Stitch. He is a 6 week old teddy bear breed and I could just eat him up.

So, instead of being single, 30 and getting a cat lady starter kit, I figured it wouldn't be as bad to be a single, (almost--Nov.26th--buy me something pretty) 29 year old with a small breed dog. 

I've had a pretty good couple of days and instead of making today's blog post about confessions or whatnot, I just wanted to make you guys smile a bit and then have to read my sappy shit about my dog and my friends.

Confess sesh

I confess I love being at the bar with my friends, playing the music we love, drinking a few beers or whatever alcohol I am feeling that night and I love all my bad decisions...

I also confess that I really have no bad decisions. Every single decision is exactly what I wanted at some point in my life. Who decides they are good or bad anyway? Society? Fuck you...

I confess that I have officially become a fat ass again and I am disgusted with myself. I, also, in the same breath can say that I am a lazy ass and I don't know which side will win. 

Now that fall is here, I am looking forward to being outside more. Shooting, camping, bonfires, boots, crisp fresh air and scarves. Those are my favorite things about fall. I don't do the lovey dovey cuddling shit unless I'm in the mood, and today ain't a good day tater. Tomorrow ain't lookin' so bright either. 

Fo' real yo.

Anyway, just a short confess sesh. If I confessed more, I'd have to kill you.

Relationships

I started thinking about relationships the other day. Mainly because more and more people in my life are getting engaged, getting married, having children and I am still just as obnoxious, free-spirited and drunk as I was at 21. It's not that the outside forces are influencing me but they are making me look at my life a little harder than I usually would look at it. Or at least..look at relationships.
There are relationships in your life that excite you. They make you feel free and happy. They take you to new places, new adventures, make you try new things and look at life a little differently. They often are very short encounters and don't last very long. 
Then, there are relationships that teach you things. Those are usually the close, serious relationships that last 1-3 years, maybe a little more. They often teach you the things you don't want to go through again. They teach you boundaries, expectations and compromise. They teach you sadness, heartbreak and binge drinking - this may just be for me. They teach you what kind of partner you don't want in life. There are those that bring you back to familiarity. They understand you and guide you. They lead you onto a straight path and make you aware of wrong and right. They may not excite you, but they usually set up the groundwork for an amazing friendship.

And then there is the one you have with yourself. The most fabulous and lasting one of them all.
I often wonder why I may not have someone who loves me and understands me for me. Sometimes I think that my free spirit doesn't allow me to ground myself to any one person for long periods of time. If I can find someone who loves the me that my family and friends love, well then..I would be the happiest girl in the world.

But throughout all my thinking and analytical writing..I realize why I am in a standstill in most of my romantic encounters. As Carrie Bradshaw would have put it..“I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.'”

The struggle is real

Okay, I am seeing a lot more people in my life get married because they feel like they have to. This isn't about anyone in particular, so before anyone gets their panties in a bunch, let me just specify that I really don't give a shit if you do.

If I based my opinion on just one person's life, I'd be a shit talker. I analyze statistical data as well as pay attention to everyone around me and so far I have encountered several women and men alike, who are marrying or married because they feel like that's what's left to do. ..Uhm, left to do? I'm assuming they have skydived, gotten tattoos, traveled the world, helped the homeless, did community service, opened their own business, bought new cars, gotten out of debt, backpacked through Europe, moved out of mommy's house and established themselves. I'm assuming.. Oh wait, you've done none of those things? You've only partied and slept around? Oh, I apologize. You're ready!

Listen up ladies and gents. The only thing you HAVE to do in life is die. That is inevitable. No matter what you do, that will happen. The rest is your choice, It is totally up to you how your life is lived. You don't have to work, you don't have to drink, you don't have to drive, get married, have babies, party..whatever. You don't have to. The difference is IF YOU WANT TO! 

I want to get shitfaced every weekend, so I do. I want to get from point A to point B without sweating balls, so I drive. I want to have my own place and be independent so that's why I work and live apart from my mommy. I want my own freedom and I want to be selfish, so I don't get married and have kids yet until I am ready. See? There is a huge difference between a want and a need. 

Also, side note. Why are some of you counting your age? Is there an expiration date on marrying? If so, I'm royally fucked sideways.

So therefore, YOLO!

You Only Live Once! Stop letting parents, friends or enemies decide your life for you. They aren't the ones who have to deal with your whiny husband or bitchy wife for the rest of their life. You are! So fuck what anyone else thinks and do what makes you happy!

Hump Day Confessions

So I decided to just do the damn thing and do the actual blog post that was meant for hump day. Confessions or something like that. Okay, I totally confess I drink a lot and don't even care about my liver function. With drinking come new friends, old friends, sex friends, best friends, great conversations, funny experiences, jokes, bad decisions and good memories. My bartender said she put me on the liver donor list, so I'm totally good for two lifetimes. Bless her sweet soul. Don't stop the party!

...running around yesterday made me realize I need to go back to gym. My body enjoys me working out although my mind really wants to watch Netflix. I feel the sexiest when I am in the gym and I do like the way I feel leaving after a good workout.

...either that, or I need to fatten and lazy up my friends and family so they quit making me do shit. 

...I think I am somewhat allergic to bullshit. It's really refreshing to hang out with people who say exactly what is on their minds. Recently, I have been eliminating the negativity in my life and this includes anyone who causes any kind of drama...and by drama, I don't mean like normal crap that life throws our way. I mean the legit "he said she said" high school bullshit or racist, inconsiderate shit talking drama.

Tell 'em, Sweet Brown!

...and remember, tomorrow is Thirsty Thursday! Stay thirsty, my friends!

Happy Hump Day Y'all!!!

What is love?

Cue in head-nodding to go with the movie reference below. For those of you who don't know what movie this is, just click the X in the top right hand corner because you probably are too young to be here.

Alright, onto the rant. I could possibly start with the bible quote of 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 "Love is patient, love is kind bla bla bla" but we all know that the shit doesn't work that way anymore. When the Bible was written there was no Facebook, no Twitter, no other parties in the relationship, no baggage, no middle child syndrome, no cell phones and no other modern diagnoses and gadgets that generally fuck up our simple way of life. So, when you get asked "what is love", how do you answer? Do you base it on how the person makes you feel or what kind of person they are? Are you focused on talking about one person in general, or do you speak of love as a thing?

This is where I am going with this...

Many people have many definitions of what love is; no one is wrong. Maybe you think love is someone who showers you with materialistic stuff. Maybe you think love is telling the truth always and being each other's friends. Maybe you think love is sex or any kind of physical response. No one can define love because it exists in each of us differently. We show it differently, we see it differently, we respond to it differently so when we meet someone who shares our values and definition we "fall in love."

I mean, this is the way it's supposed to happen. Right? Boy meets Girl. Boy and Girl are compatible. Boy and Girl fall in love. Boy and Girl live happily ever after. 

Simple, right?! 

Sure..in a perfect world where we all are one color, one religion, one opinion, one nationality, one mindset. Too bad that world doesn't exist and love is not simple. It never really was; people were just more ashamed, hid things well and/or had less options.

In my general expertise of love (aka my experiences dating), love is very hard to come by. If you put two people who see love differently together, they will always be on different steps of that relationship ladder and as we all know, our generation is really good at buying new things instead of fixing the old. This applies to both people and animals, or generally any living, breathing things around us. We are ruiners, not builders. The relationships that once were two people are now 13 people, a Facebook page, a Twitter account and extra phone numbers laying around in cell phones. We're all guilty of it, myself included.

One thing I vouch: From today, I will fix it..well at least starting with myself. I will work on it. I will trust more, love more, hope more, live more, talk more and less where applies, listen more, help more, offer more, kiss more, hug more. I will not let outside influences hinder my heart. 

I will not run away. No more running away.

Adult status

Well, well, well. Gabi has finally grown up. Instead of living with college students and wanting to shoot myself in the head, I finally had started another chapter in my life. I moved into a house!!! Of course, cue happy dance.

The house is 2 bedroom, possibility of the attic being a third bedroom, full basement, gorgeous back yard and a sweet roommate. I am very excited to enter this new chapter of my life. With the moving to the house, I also decided it was time I actually got a big girl bedroom set and a mattress that wasn't 10 years old or belonged in a dorm room. My new mattress is a memory foam one with the snazzy cooling gel in it. It's supposed to last like 10-25 years so at some point, this will be me.

Next, I need to make a decision whether I am going to get a dog or a cat. I am an animal lover. To me, if I could have 2 of each, I'd be the happiest but I am not even 30; I don't want to be the crazy cat lady yet. I'll wait a few more years for the single life to have that effect on me and who knows? Until then..

Mama is HOME!

Well..the other home..you know, the one overseas. Technically, I am home here too. But that one is my home home. This one is my current one.

Oh whatevs, you know what I mean..just read on.

So, anyway..a few months ago, I wrote a post freaking out about going home 20 years later. You can read about that here. 

It wasn't bad at all. We landed in Zagreb, and took the bus to Banja Luka, Bosnia. Arriving at the bus station, the city still looked very unfamiliar to me but that's mostly because when I was younger, I never went to the city's traveling bus stop. We rode in the cab all the way to my grandmother's apartment building. The moment the cab driver pulled up, tears ran down my face involuntarily. I was home. 

My grandmother didn't know we were coming and now that I think about it, surprising her after 10 years probably wasn't the best idea. Poor woman could have had a heart attack! Seeing each other after so long, we handled it like champs cried like little girls. She wouldn't let us out of her sight for the first few days so we got nothing done and went nowhere. After that we were let loose like a pack of wild animals and some of us didn't make it home until 3 or 4 o'clock in the morning.

What can I say? My country knows how to party.

So anyway, we spent the next two weeks sightseeing, shopping, visiting a WHOLE bunch of family and friends I did not know we had. It looked something like this.

Oh, wait? Did you think I was finished? Oh honey child, just because I post pics doesn't mean I'm done! So after the wonderful two weeks with my grandmother, uncle and various other company in Banja Luka, Bosnia we decided to go to Croatia. For one my dad lives there and I couldn't wait to see him, and for two grandma is turning 80 and mom wanted to give her a birthday present that she would absolutely love.

So the four of us (mom, me, little sister and grandma) took a bus from Banja Luka to Livno, from Livno to Split and from Split to Trogir, then a cab ride to Ciovo and voila. I was in home number two. Did I mention home number two is two houses down from the beach and the Adriatic sea? Must have slipped my mind. While I was in Croatia, I traveled with my dad to Vojnic to pick up his girlfriend. We went the sea route of course. I wanted to watch the sea while traveling as long as I could. 

Mom and grandma went back to Bosnia after 6 days and my little sister decided to stay for a little while longer with me.

We came back to Bosnia 5 days later and then traveled back to the US couple of days later.

Instead of drowning you with the history of me, or the stories that were told back and forth..I rather will leave you with the beautiful pictures of both of my homes. I hope you enjoy.

P.S. I should have married and stayed.. Haha not. Seriously.