Chronic baddies

Have you ever seen one of those signs that asks you how do you feel physically on a sliding scale 1-10 with 1 being mild pain and 10 being severe?- I would add 10 being even excruciating. Here is a breakdown of the scale- 1-3 mild pain, 4-6 moderate pain, and 7-10 being severe. Leaves much room for questioning, methinks.

I have not been at level 0 since I was in my teens. That's my truth. I have been at levels 3-8 the last 4 months. Call it getting older, call it degenerative disc disease, arthritis, stress, call it whatever makes you sleep better at night but for me it feels like "today, I am able to live or not live." At pain levels 8, people are shut down in a hospital while all I am getting is doctors telling me I'm overweight and to move. I AM MOVING- I am a fucking yoga teacher! It feels like pins and needles in my back when I walk, and it feels an elephant is sitting on my hips when I sit down, but oh when I lay? It feels wonderful, for a whole 5 minutes and then I sink in and start throbbing. It's great. Every day. 

A yoga sister of mine and I were chatting about pain sucking the life out of you and how wonderful it is to have people who you can vent to and talk to about important things such as trauma, physical, mental or spiritual! One of the many things we talked about, we were discussing how people ask questions as if the person they're asking hasn't thought of every question, solution, problem and googled naturalist medicine on how to solve it. I do appreciate people asking, but the questions get tiring. We are wasting time questioning things and not moving into action- sooner! If you know someone who is in pain, chronic, severe, excruciating pain and they are functioning?- Ask how you can help! We are handling the entire world that you are as well, but we are also physically worn out, burned out, torn down. Be kind. Offer help. Care. Hug them- it's been PROVEN to lessen pain!

Health care system as a whole is not equipped to TAKE CARE of people. It is set up as a business to keep people unhealthy- unless you do your research as well. You have to participate in your own life- get out of your own way! Our physical self is only one part of us but it's a big part in this energy field we call Earth! The medical business industry in the US is based on patching bullet wounds with Band-Aids, and that's been my experience since the very first doctor and the very first big ache! There is not a doctor that looks at you holistically to heal all parts of you- physical, mental, spiritual. So then you have to venture out and start your own research. Get into the western medicine in different states, and then turn to your woo woo friend and ask what they can do. Do whatever you need to in order to feel better because your life depends on it. So does a few people's.

Being without employment, there is a lot of work to do in order to keep my mind and body on some sort of schedule even though I just want to curl up and watch TV. I try to get out of the house once a day. Right now the only thing that keeps lessening my pain is movement- any activity to warm up my muscles and joints, plant medicine, somatic therapy, dancing, eating foods that make my body feel good and being around the people that keep my body/mind/soul safe. Also crying!!- I cry a lot lately!

Toodles!

Grief

We live every day trying to avoid it but it catches up. Something no one can fix. Something no one can control or change. Death. When it comes, it brings violent waves of grief. 

So an old friend of mine died a couple of weeks ago and even though we hadn't been in much contact over the last few years while she was sick, the grief has hit me in waves. Waves of days okay and not okay, as well as waves of emotions like anger, envy, sadness, and large spectrums of each. It's been a wild and weird ride. I've experienced enough death for my 39 years here on Earth, and let me say that it never gets easier. Grief never gets easier. There is nothing anyone can say to comfort you. Today, I find a friend lost his dear dog. Death, no matter how big, always brings grief, and that grief is personal and it comes in spirals for all of us.

You know, historically, grief after death was often expressed publicly through mourning rituals, but in the 20th and 21st centuries, it became increasingly viewed as a private, personal experience. Something jaded inside of me says capitalism had something to do with that and someone is definitely earning off of that idea. Anywho, grief is awful and just because there is nothing anyone can say doesn't mean you have to do it alone. You shouldn't do it alone. Grief can come for different reasons- it doesn't always come with death. Losing a job, a relationship or some dream that you were chasing after can be grieved. It can also be the death of a character you once were in your life once you start your healing journey. However, humans sometimes  always suck at being comforting. We don't know what to say, we don't know how to be there or we make assumptions someone wants to be left alone. 

I didn't grow up in a very comforting family, and when I did have something to grieve I did it alone to which I promised myself I wouldn't ever do that to someone else. If you have had a loss, know that if you call or text me those news, I won't leave you alone for a few weeks. I mean, I will if you really want me to, but I'll be in the shadows, lurking for when you need a hug or a good cry. Being alone sucks anyway and then you add a life situation and it's even harder. We weren't meant to be doing life alone- I will die on this hill! I don't mean you have to settle and partner up, but know that this life is meant to be lived with friends, family, soul tribe, etc. We are on this Earth for connections!!!

All this to say, if you know of someone who is dealing with grief, ask them what they need. If you have an anxious friend or the loss is fresh and they're still in shock, show up! Bring dinner. Watch a movie. Have a cry sesh. Have a smoke sesh and then a cry sesh. Let them tell you memories of their person. Show you pictures of their dog and reminisce. Give them long hugs! Give them permission to just need your presence in the room while they cry and do dishes. The ideas are endless! 

Grief is fucking awful, weird, exhausting and difficult. And we should never do things that feel like that, ALONE!

Spirituality 2.0

The other day I went on an adventure outside in my back yard. I sat down on the grass and smelled the ocean during meditation and it brought me back home. Back home when everyone was still Earthly present. Back home when I felt like a kid and had a supportive family and great friends. It brought me back to moments of my grandmother's knitting, my grandfather's piddling in the garage, my uncle's lessons on handwriting and my aunt's great cooking! It carried me through each memory and gently let me remember, but also showing me the harsh reality of forgetting what their voices sounded like. How I wish things were different, but absolutely being grateful they were mine.

The adventure left me sobbing for the grief that I've let myself feel again, this many years later. Baka (grandma) died in 2002, Eko (my nickname for my uncle) in 2008, Deda (grandpa) in 2010 and Strina (aunt) in 2020. It's been a painful road and each passing felt unreal because I have not been to any of the funerals. The interesting thing was that grief for each person felt new, as if I was feeling it for the first time. It's strange what kind of process grief has, because in my experience, you never truly get over anything. You just transmute it to mean something different, to hurt a little differently but not project onto others. 

Life is hard, y'all and whatever you have been through in life has brought you here. You haven't been through what you have been through to just get here though. There's more to see, more to travel, more joy to discover and more love to give. Because, isn't that the whole point? I know you must be thinking what woo woo shit is this now, since self-care is a commercialized retreat instead of a given right, but hear me out. Life is meant to be lived in community, with others who love and care for you as you do for them. For the path of communication, creativity and life force to flow both ways. And in community is when you heal!

You are not supposed to have it all figured out- no one does. You are not supposed to do it alone- many of us have at least one person, place or thing. You are not supposed to know everything- which means you share knowledge and find people who are capable of the things you seek. Same as they do- which inherently means there is something in YOU that is needed by someone else. That's that magic woo woo shit some of us are talking about.  It's the medicine and wisdom that you have inside you if only you were quiet enough to listen, and still enough to hear. 

Toodles! I'm going to go thank a tree for letting me breathe another day.

Spirituality

Look, I am not even going to apologize for not writing, because I feel at this point in my life, I am intuitive enough to know when something saps my creativity. Depression, unprocessed feelings, shadows lurking around, are all catalysts to my creativity sap and I usually go dark. I don't write for months, I don't open up enough and my communication begins to lack. Then I get frustrated at people for not being able to read my mind and it just starts a downhill spiral. So, again, I will not apologize for not writing. I will, however, do better. It seems I am slowly tapping back into my creativity, play and just plain joy, so I will do the best I can. It would help if whoever is still reading these, to give me some topics as suggestions. 

Okay, so the topic in my life lately that's been coming up a lot is Spiritualism/Spirituality and what I mean when I say "I am not religious, I am spiritual."

Oxford Dictionary term of "Spiritualism" is:

1. Noun- a system of belief or a religious practice based on supposed communication with the spirit of the dead, especially through mediums.

2. Philosophy- the doctrine that the spirit exists as distinct from matter, or that spirit is the only reality.

Spirituality is a noun and described as "the quality of being concerned with the human spirit or soul as opposed to material or physical things" And then it goes into deeper, but loose definition according to the social norms that spirituality is a “personal search for the purpose or meaning of life.”

Wow! That was not what I expected at all to be the definitions but interesting! For my definition, it begins with religion/s- plural- and moves on to what I chose to believe in, and what rings true to my mind, body and soul. I was raised Catholic-ish. You know the kind; celebratory of either life or death- we go to funerals and weddings, but never go to church on Sundays, do not get funky with lent and just overall, not practicing. The traditions, though, in our Eastern European country run deep because we take only what fits us and run with it. And then at a young age, I fall in love and end up living in a house with a Jehovah's Witness for 3 years and take it upon myself to learn more about it. Go to the assemblies, catch a meeting or two, read and ask questions. 

Fast forward years later, and I have friends and ex-partners that are Muslim, or Orthodox, whose religions I intended to find out a little about, especially if it was important to them or they were actively practicing. However, when you find out from other people, it tends to be watered down with their favorite traditions, their families upbringing and a little sprinkle of their own characteristics. It's fascinating to see how different people interpret the same religion and lead their lives accordingly. 

Anywho, today, I am reading the Bible. Painfully slowly, but nevertheless. I want to find out word for word, as much as my brain can understand before I move on to the next Holy Book. I am attending once a month Satsang and learning more about how to truly embody my Divine highest self. As unsteady as everything in my life is, I feel more sensuous, more connected to Mother Earth, more grounded this year than I have last and it feels like sort of a rebirth. So to me, spirituality is being connected to Spirit and leading our own lives with connection to nature, love, plant medicine, nourishment, movement, etc. 

Toodles! Love y'all!