50 shades of HOT

My dear-whoever-reads-my-sorry-blogs anymore,

One, I have a quick temper tantrum to throw. I don't know how to make my blog seen and/or advertised. I dream one day of having many followers who fall in love with my writing and decide to get involved in my boring little life while I continue to dream of better things.

I don't even know if the words that pour out of my mouth..uhh fingers..are even worthy of reading for long periods of time. Anyway, that's my short little fit.

Next, I have succumbed to the social media like crazy and have decided to try the "IN" thing and read the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy. I still refuse Twilight. That one may never happen. Anyway, 50 Shades.

Oh. My. God. 

I don't know if I'm more sexually inexperienced, frustrated, or just a lip-stick feminist. The books have sent me on a roller coaster of emotions and I am enjoying the ride, pardon the pun. So far I have read the first two and I am on to the third one, the last one. I will be a little sad when their story ends, because those sons of bitches are giving me some amazing bedroom ideas. Bow chick a bow wow.

I need a life...

Hopeful or Hopeless?

Hello dear bloggers,

I recently asked a few people what they think romance is and I have yet to receive a full, honest answer from anyone. I even Googled it because everyone knows that Google is all-knowing. 

Of course, the opinions of men and women have been distant and different since the beginning of time. The few answers which I did receive generally stated the same things.

-Romance is in the men's relationship job description

-Romance is that little extra

-Romance is the way to show love

-Romance is necessary in any relationship in order for it to survive

Google says in its best dictionary terms "Romance as a noun is a feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love."

I, personally, just want to know what happened to today's society and today's generation of young men and women in love. I would love to go back to the 1950-60's and live there because chivalry wasn't dead, love was shouted from the rooftops in way of a song and couples defined their relationships as serious, not just "waiting to see what happens."

I refuse to believe romance and romantic love are dead. I still believe that true love exists. I still believe in getting butterflies when a man touches you. I still believe people can change.
 Is this something that can be done easily? No. Men and women today are emotional retards. They've been hurt, cheated on, stabbed through the heart and disappointed. Everyone has a wall with barbed wire around their hearts.

But once you find someone who is willing to deal with 100% of your baggage, who is willing to love you and accept you as you are, do everything in your power to be what that person needs from you. They may need to hear "I love you" more than once a day. They may need to feel wanted and cared for. They may need to feel taken care of.  They may need you to learn how to do things you haven't done before.
"Remember, insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result"

If you're closed off with all the females or males in your life and then you wonder "What happened" when it's over, sometimes you need to re-evaluate yourself and your behaviors and think "What can I do differently?"
Learn new things. That's what LOVE is all about.

Everyone has been hurt; stop using those things as an excuse for being an asshole or a jerk. Excuses are just sentences we use not to do the things we're really afraid of. And what is everyone really afraid of? The absolute same thing. Getting their heart broken again. This may happen, but are you willing to say YOU lost the person because YOU were afraid to love them like they needed? You were afraid to learn what they needed?

I am the number one person afraid of love. I am the one that is always caught running for the hills, hiding their feelings. Closing off. Not anymore. I know what I need and want, and I will keep searching until I find it.

Unfu%#ingbelievable

My dear bloggers,

This morning I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. This morning I woke up with only a few hours of sleep. This morning I woke up with different feelings of sadness, hurt, anger and betrayal.

I will be very grateful if I make it through the day without getting fitted for a nice orange jumpsuit.

Here is my problem. Why do people just not get me? I am not saying I am an angel or that I am some kind of prize, but I am an overall nice person. I'm caring, loving, trustworthy, I don't lie, cheat or steal. I'm honest and sometimes too much. When I'm in love, I'm like a fat kid in a candy store. I love my best friends and would go to the end of the Earth for them. My family means everything to me. I mind my business. I don't make up stories about people. I pay my taxes. I vote. 

WHAT THE HELL IS SO COMPLICATED TO UNDERSTAND?

Apparently this is how I am viewed. Whatever I say, I don't mean it how I say it. There is always an underlying meaning to my words. When I'm sweet, it must be because I am guilty of something or have done something that I should be ashamed of. When I am hurt or crying, I just need to be left alone to deal with it because I shouldn't even be sad or hurt in the first place. I don't deserve to have someone love me so much that they can't stand it because that is "unrealistic"- true love is only for fairy tales?

LIKE WHAT THE FUCK IS IT? Not sorry about letting the F-bomb out of the bag. I do it on a regular basis in real life. I figured this blog should only be the replica of the real me.

Do I have a DUMB ASS sticker on my forehead with the instructions "Please come into my life, make me love you, then fuck it up somehow so that the jist of the conversation with other people is that I fucked up things and you can be clear. Please be another fucking person that walks out of my life like everyone else has."

Does no one fight for what and who they love anymore??

There is a part of me that really wants to tell people to "go fly a metal kite in a thunderstorm" and there is another part of me that feels the need to prove itself. To prove to people that I say what I mean and I mean what I say. To prove to them that my intentions in life for anyone are ALWAYS the best intentions.

I am tired of being misunderstood. I am tired of feeling like there is something wrong with me. I am tired of feeling like the only one that is trying anymore.

I'm tired of giving 100%.

Woah, one whole year later

This exact time last year, I was getting in the car with my step dad and heading to Nashville, TN to the airport. I was getting ready to fly to Barcelona, Spain with my classmates to begin my study abroad student teaching experiences. A million thoughts were running through my head. I was nervous, I was excited, I was homesick and cried a little- I'm not gonna lie.

I sit here a year later and am a little saddened. My step-dad passed away almost a month ago. I am not in my selected career. I chose to come back to the United States when I should've, could've, would have stayed there. All of these "regrets" going through my head, but I smile when I think of this day last year. 

On this day, my step dad was alive and well. On this day, I was getting ready to embark on the biggest trip of my life. On this day, I grew up. On this day, I became a woman. On this day, I felt alive.

My first step on Spain soil and I had the biggest smile on my face. The month spent there made me grow up, made me change, made me appreciate all the good and bad in my life. It also terrified me and it made me question my life.

What I wouldn't do to go back to Spain? I would give my firstborn. Kidding..No, seriously.