Sometimes it's the little things

So, I've been going crazy with all the stuff that has been going on in my life. The break up, the getting back together, finding out he was talking to a couple of someone else's while I begged for another chance, I mean, he claimed he planned on marrying me. Although, I think this was just something to say to get me back, it worked. Feeling like I was cheated on, lied to, like my life and all my plans were literally taken from underneath my feet, my heart re-breaking into a million tiny pieces (good luck to the next one is all I have to say; he will have to cement that shit back on).

I spoke to a couple of good friends of mine last night. Actually, the irony is I spoke to the two that he hated so much and thought they posed a threat, but yet they stood up for him in some ways. The thing is, the threat was really in him. He was afraid of a lot of things. Even his own shadow when it came to love. He was so afraid I would hurt him that he ended up hurting me. I am no angel. I did have a huge part in this, but I would never do things intentionally (i.e. I did my bullshit when we were broken up. He did his when we were together.) Anyways, I came to the conclusion that I wasn't the person he fell in love with. He is looking for something else, someone else and I never came close to being good enough.

Moving on to the conversations. My friends want to see me happy. Regardless. It can be with him, or anyone else. They support me. They both asked me the same questions. "Do you love him?" and then gave me a speech on how to fix it if I do. At first their reaction to their friend being hurt is "fuck that asshole, you can do better" but when that friend is crying and broken, they want to see her happy again. And the other question was "how am I?" Of course, when you ask a brokenhearted girl "how is she", her reaction is quite simple.

Tears pouring out in clumps, her make up running, her hair stuck to the side of her wet face and snot bubbles coming out of her nose. Ladies and gents, it is NOT a pretty sight. I won't give you the details of the conversations because I'm apparently out of my mind crazy for ever thinking I could have gotten this one right. I'll just give you the basic gist of it. It takes a really strong person to love someone who is already broken. The thing is, I knew I was. I knew I had issues and that my issues will only be resolved with someone patient, caring and kind enough to deal with my high-tech bullshit. He was more of the "you hurt me so I hurt you back" type. I rarely got an "I'm sorry" and we never communicated about anything other than pointing fingers. All I ever got were "I'm sorry but.." There was only one time I believed he was truly sorry, and even that was taken away from me.

The thing I heard from both of my friends was to just live. It's not okay now, but it will be later. To not let this pain stop me from loving again, from living, from being consumed by life and all the little, beautiful things it has to offer. To guard myself against people but not so much that when someone amazing comes around and wants to give me the world, that I run. One thing I will never let happen again; I will never let anyone lie to me again. I've lied a couple of times and I regret it. Once to him; It only hurts more. Being lied to about everything? Where he's at, who he's with, who he talked to, even the little tiniest things like time..that builds on disappointment after disappointment until it explodes.

Anyways, I write this and it seems to you like I'm doing fine. Let me just make it clear that I am in no way okay. BUT maybe this is the first step in healing is being able to let it out. And since I can't let it out to the one who hurt me, I can to my blog and my poor family and friends. I've cried so much on my mother's shoulder the past weekend, it's amazing she still has one. I've been angry, I've been disappointed, I've felt betrayed. I spent a few nights drinking and drugging myself stupid with my friends. The healing process continues, I guess. I don't want to know what tomorrow will be like. I want life to surprise me.

Woah, we are actually nuts

Dear readers, are you ready to laugh at how crazy women actually are? So here is a little story to help you grasp the insanity that I have in my head on a daily basis.

So, my boyfriend and I broke up. It's a really sad thing. I kinda, sorta, possibly really did love him. Okay, so anyways, it was me that called it quits generally for the sake of my individuality. I didn't want to be in a relationship where I didn't trust him and he didn't trust me. Both of us have fucked up over and over again and despite the warning signs telling us not to, we fell in love and ruined each other's lives. There were lies, there was hidden information, there was that one thing with the rules, and a lot of "who the hell is that texting" and just general hatred of our opposite sex friends.

Okay, I have been a tomboy my whole life. I had two best girl friends that I can remember and that was it. The rest were boys. My dad for sure got a son, just with a vagina. I grew up not trusting females. They would stab you, lie to you, deceive you, sleep with your guy, get a boyfriend and ditch you completely, etc. The boys, I felt more comfortable with. First of all, they can't sleep with my bf or ex.

Anyways, on to my actual point. I got handed a ultimatum. I didn't make a choice and the silence was enough for him to make the choice for me. Even though this was what I wanted, as soon as I got it..I didn't want it anymore. Now, don't get me wrong. He would be my perfect man if he wasn't so jealous and actually let me have my freedom..but he won't. That's not who he is and I can't ask him to be anything less or more than what he is just to be with me.

Okay, so my point? Women are insane. The thought creeps into my head every day about what he is doing, where he is, if someone is making him smile, things remind me of him and I want to share. While some of the thoughts turn my stomach, others make me miss him. I wrote the same text message at least 500 times and never sent it.

The reason I didn't send it? Going back would mean I let go of my individuality and become what he wants me to be. That isn't compromise anymore. That's me becoming someone I'm not. I love my freedom and I love him. He doesn't like the fact that I have male friends. He doesn't trust me. Those things won't change no matter how much we love each other. I've tried. Maybe not as many times or ways as I'd have liked, but I tried. Haha should have hired a counselor.

I've never had this problem with a guy before; they usually knew how I was before the relationship. I don't know why this one didn't believe me.

One thing he said and he was right; I do stand up for people that would never stand up for me. I also sacrifice my life for them and their happiness, when I should worry about my own. Not anymore. Thanks for that..

I guess it takes time, but I swear one more person tells me that to comfort me and I'm snapping necks!

Men are stupid and women are crazy

“Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”― George Carlin


100% true. Men do not know what they have to lose until they have lost it and women spend years chasing some pipe dream of a man that when they finally get one, they don't want him anymore.

I can only do real life examples here and all of my examples are based on my personal experience. Man treats woman shitty. Woman tells man numerous times. Woman tries to walk away several times but because there are feelings still attached to her heart pump, she cannot. Man takes advantage. Woman finally leaves. Man realizes what he has and changes for the better. Woman takes him back. Woman now is too broken to function in that relationship and it's too late. Woman wants some time away. Man cannot handle time away. She's jealous. He's jealous. She doesn't trust him because he lied. He doesn't trust her because he thinks she lied. She's crazy. He's stupid. Man cries. Woman cries.

No happy ending.

Like seriously!? Only in the movies does he come back and she lives with the hurt like it never happened. Only in the movies does she forgive him for the last time and seems to forget about all those times he broke her heart. People, this isn't the movies. This is the real world with real, actual heartache. I don't know honestly why they don't make a movie to depict what happens after that glorious epiphany when they realize they love each other. The screen always goes black at the kiss. You assume they live happily ever after. Just once, I want the screen to come back on, the words "three months later" flash across the screen and the woman is yelling "Who the hell was that new bitch on Facebook? Let me see your phone. Who is texting you this late? What happened while we were broken up? I can't believe you hurt me so many times. I'm the same girl I've been and NOW you decide to love me?" or the guy yelling and screaming about how she needs to delete every man in her life except her father from Facebook and stop talking to them because he is trying to "build their trust back", giving her ultimatums that it's "them or him" or just generally not give a crap about what friendship means to her.

If it's gotten to that point, then it will never work. Especially if two people don't know each other and don't even know why they fell in love. Isn't that misery? I don't know what's worse. Being without the person you love or feeling like you have to lose yourself in order to be with them. I thought love was the full acceptance of that individual and all of their bullshit. I understand compromise. We've all done it. But when does the art of compromise become compromising to WHO YOU ARE?!

Found another great quote online. "Not all relationship break-ups are mutually agreed upon. Sometimes (or often) it's one person that chooses to exit. If the other person resists that process it can be very painful for both parties. It's important to recognize that adult relationships are voluntary and, except in the case of organized marriages in some cultures, no-one should ever feel obligated to stay in a relationship with another person if they have a heartfelt desire to be free of that relationship."

Just remember that relationships go through very difficult stages where one or both parties might want out. But given a little time and space, they may decide to work it out and stay in it for the long haul. Sometimes there is hope.

Day 31: Memory

Day 31: A vivid memory

My memories recently are not the greatest things in the world because so much bad has happened in such a short time that the only thing I remember are the sad moments.

I have many memories I can remember but none are really worth blogging about and some are kind of private. I feel like if you guys are going to keep reading I need to keep it PG-13 up in this bitch. By saying bitch, it's totally not PG-13 anymore, but who cares? If I think really hard about it, I can at least come up with one.

I remember the day I arrived in Spain. I was up all night. I just couldn't sleep. I was so excited to make my dream come true.

I picked up my packed belongings from my sister's bedroom floor and on my step-dad and I went. He drove me and of course lectured me for the hour drive about how to be safe abroad in a foreign country. I kept thinking "wait, we are foreign as well. I'll be fine," but he kept talking so I kept listening.

I arrived at the airport and met with my group of friends.You can see the scared looks on our faces but we were keeping them at bay. We were too excited. Whatever happens, happens. We marched forward through security and settled in at the gate.

We boarded the plane and after a LONG trip, we landed in Barcelona. The moment the double doors opened and I exited the airport, I took a deep breath of the fresh Barcelona air and fell in love. It was the best experience of my life.
After we got off the plane, we took a bus to La Garriga where we would be staying. It was a small, little town outside of Barcelona but it had such personality.

the train station in La Garriga

I will never forget the ice cream bought in this train station. My trip to Paris started with this train station and ended in the best 4 days of my life. I'll never forget the walk up the hill to get here and going through the market on Saturdays. I'll never forget my friend Tariq walking with me at 5am to the train station before my trip to see my father.
I will never forget Barcelona. It is engraved into me. Into my heart. Barcelona helped make me who I am today. It gave me the strength when I didn't think I could go on anymore. I will go there again. I will fall in love again. I will breathe the fresh ocean air again.

Christopher Columbus statue at the end of La Rambla

a little alley off of La Rambla

Gaudi building

Barcelona port

Another Gaudi artwork

Barcelona port

Sagrada Familia

Me on the top of Sagrada Familia

Santa Maria del Mar Cathedral

Park Guell

View from Park Guell

Day 30: Letting go

Day 30: React to this term: Letting Go

It means being strong enough. It means releasing the stuff from your life that doesn't affect you positively or make you grow as a person. It means breathing in the good and releasing the bad. Letting go isn't always a bad thing.

But nevertheless, It's the toughest thing to do and regardless of how strong you are, it will change you. There are many things you can let go of. Relationships, friendships, people, family, job, issues, baggage, grudges. You can also let go of the good in your life because you aren't ready for it.

For me, it means peace. Not peace at first, but peace in the long run. No more worries, no more problems, no more troubles. I wish I knew how to, but I don't. I have never let go of anything; time has just made me think of it less. I regret things, I'm still mad at certain people, I still hold grudges..I just found ways not to think a lot about them.

That doesn't sound healthy, does it? It's not. It tears me apart every day but the more I let it out daily, the more it leaves my mind and it takes it a longer time to come back to haunt me. That's one of the reasons I started this blog. My friends love me and want to hear it, but not every day and not when their lives are doing well or when they're having a bad day.

My blog has saved my life. Many times. I know not many people read it, but the few of you that do, are my blessings. And this blog..is my therapy from the world.

What does letting go mean for you at this moment in your life?

Day 29: Music is a way of life

Day 29: Five songs or pieces of music that speak to you or bring back memories. Use Grooveshark or YouTube to include them in the post



Avicii- Wake me up

Avicii- I could be the one

Guns N Roses- November rain

Metallica- Nothing else matters

Christina Aguilera- Save me from myself

I won't elaborate why I love these songs, or why they affect me. My heart is too heavy lately. If you feel like asking, please do it in a private message or email me. I can talk about my feelings for days, so get ready.

Day 29. I love music.

Day 28: Pictures

Day 28: Only pictures