Green with..jealousy?

Hello! Toodles! Hola! Cao! Zdravo!

Sorry, two hours of sleep and this is what happens. I get very hyper and very bouncy, and then I predict a long nap when I get off work. Probably won't happen, but a girl can hope!

Ok, interesting conversation me and the boyfriend had yesterday. I swore to myself that I would not mention boyfriends in my blog because I don't know how long the relationship will last, but 6 months and this one hasn't ran yet, I take as a good sign.

Anyway, Gabi, get on with it. Well, jealousy. We all have it. Some of us have it less than others, some take it to psychotic levels, some let it take over their relationships and some don't even let it bother them. Now, the question is where does the jealousy come from? Are you jealous of the person's time with your significant other? Are you jealous because you're cheating or doing something you're not supposed to be doing yourself? Are you jealous because you're afraid your significant other will find more in the other person than you?
And then ask yourself who this person is in your lover's life and what do they mean to them. Are they friends? Have they dated? Has anything between them ever happened? Or even almost ever happened?

For me, I was only jealous a few times in my life. Once, my fiance at the time went to work (he was working in a factory) in his nice clothes. He was line leader but I knew that the job was dirty. As always, we would get up in the morning. Every time he would leave the house, he would kiss me and tell me he loves me. This morning, he woke up, got ready and left. No kiss, no "I love you".. Just left. When he came home from work, he was wearing his nice clothes. 3 years with this man and he NEVER did this. All of a sudden, jealousy struck and millions of questions were asked.

The second time was when a boyfriend decided to keep his ex girlfriend in his life because of a dedication to her father and some money owed. We won't talk about this. This man is an idiot, but all I can say is this is where my self-esteem issues started.

Last time is now. This time, I just love him. I'm jealous because I don't want to lose him. I don't want to share him. I don't believe an attractive man and woman (who find each other attractive too) can be friends without one person having feelings of some sort for the other.
 I don't want him to wake up one day and say "this is not where I want to be and you're not who I want to be with." The girl that I am jealous of is someone who would be perfect for him. She's smart, she's funny, she's pretty, she's got the same culture (I do as well, but I'm more Americanized), same way of thinking, they share so many interests, they have a history. She's a better pick. Comparing myself and her, I don't see the benefits of him dating me. And I know this, because I am blunt honest with myself and those around me. I don't put myself down. I see the reality of things. Although we are our own worst critics, much of what we criticize is true.

So anyway..jealousy? The question is not how to understand it. The question is how to get rid of it!?

What they don't know, won't hurt you??


Hello my dear readers!

Recently, I learned that people actually read my blog and I was very excited about it. I figured some of my close friends did, but I didn't know my FB friends were enjoying my semantics being written down as well. :) I really appreciate it guys.

So, my blog inspired a talk with a friend the other day. We were talking about life, drama and what we're willing to deal with in life, in relationships, friendships and also in this God forsaken town.
Let me back up a little bit and tell you about the town I live in. It's a small town (about 60,000) so you see the same people downtown, in Wal-Mart, at coffee shops, etc.
Let me back up a bit further. I am also Bosnian, so I run in the Bosnian community as well. We are a very nosy people and I say this with very little humor. I mean, I can guarantee you every Bosnian mother looks out the window when a car parks in the neighbor's driveway, or when she hears someone walking or talking outside. And this is just the cute stuff they do. This is not mentioning the horror of all the gossip we exhume out of our mouths.So moving forward now; small town, nosy people, gossip. Put those things together and you know the reason why I have nightmares at night.

Ok, so I have a lot of daily occurrences where people are in my business. Here are some of those lovely questions and/or statements:
-Do you have a boyfriend?
-When are you getting married?
-You would look so adorable with a baby. How come you don't have one? Do you hate kids?
-He has how many kids?? With how many women??
-How serious are you? I mean you're not even serious enough to post it on Facebook? People will hit on you both and "friend you" both because you're single.
-You still go out?? And drink? Don't you have a boyfriend?

Here are my answers:
-Yes
-Never. Maybe not even then. Regardless how I feel about marriage, I'm so tired of this question.
-Adorable is exactly what I want to look like with a baby. I'm thinking broke, needy, dramatic, insomniac, would be some good adjectives too that would go with it. No, I don't hate kids.
-Two and two. My business whether I deal with it or not.
-Hmm, tough question. Serious enough to love each other. Not serious enough for anything else and not stupid enough to rush into things. And Facebook is NOT REAL LIFE. But yeah this does happen.
-Yes. I'm not old, married OR dead. Yes, if I didn't drink, you'd be dead. Yes, anyone who is with me who cannot understand I like to go out sometimes with my friends does not need to be with me.

Now, you gotta understand that these people are not just in your business trying to find out things going on in your life. They are also creating your business for you. When you don't have enough juicy details in your life because you aren't a whore, you lead a normal life, and you haven't been to jail- they create those details for you. For example, I myself have never been a really loose girl. Yes, I have had sex (insert gasp here). Many times. Am I honest about my number? Sure as hell am. Do I have anything to hide? Nope. The worst thing you can possibly find out about me and my life is that I dated an older guy. Way older. Ancient and a ginger. Long story, big mistake. I have no skeletons in my closet. Mine are on the tree outside, hanging.

Look, I love my people. I'm proud to be Bosnian, but these gossips have to stop. I'm tough, I'm independent, I don't need anyone but damn it's nice to have a relationship and I do have feelings which can be hurt. We, as a couple, have enough drama in our lives to deal with. We don't need the rumors or constant probing questions making our relationship harder. It's hard enough. Things are supposed to be easy, damn it.
Things like these are what makes me want to run away from here and never look back. One day, I might.

So now my question of the day: Is it easier being out in the open about everything like I always have been, or should I just hide that part of my life? I've got my own thoughts about it for now. I would like other opinions.


Toodles!

Life happens

Hiya!

I started this blog as a Block II student (if you don't remember what that is, it's ok. It's a set of three classes that we [elementary education majors] had to take. They lasted from 8am-3pm and you spent 10 days in the classroom observing as well as teaching 2 lessons during the semester). When I started this blog, I knew I was going to Spain during student teaching and I needed a way to remember my memories and things I did there. I continued the blog through student teaching, through Spain as well as after I graduated (May, 2012). Here we are 7 months later and almost into the New 2013 Year and I am updating you guys on my life, my job, my love scene, my weight loss among other things.

And while I am talking about updating, I know I did it yesterday but I'm doing it again today.
Life- so far so good. It certainly has its ups and downs, but I am managing better than I ever have done before.
Job- job is still paying the bills, but I really miss being in the classroom so today I am creating my resume and taking control.
Love- dating someone, who knows where it will go. Time will tell.
Health- (this is a new update) I have started my ACE (Appetite Control Energy) pills today. My friend was taking them for 3 months, not working out and has lost 17 lbs. I've lost 10 lbs since August, but I have hit a plateau. I would like to lower my calorie intake but even with the 1600 cals I'm eating now, I'm sometimes hungry, so I need something to suppress that hunger and not affect my carb intake since I'm lower carbing it. For the ones who are health nuts, you will understand this. For the ones who aren't, here is short version. "I want to eat less than I have been, without eating bread to fill me up."
I told my coworkers about these pills and I got a compliment. Lejla said "Where in the heck are you still trying to lose weight?" Then she looked at me like I needed to eat a good steak. LOL!

I usually have lots of life things on my mind so I will not bore you with my weight loss with this blog.
Here is a question of the day: When do you know a relationship is serious? Everyone says things start getting serious when he leaves stuff at your place, or vice versa. Some say it's not technically serious until you move in with each other and that step makes it officially serious. How much time needs to pass before you think "Does this have a future?" Is there a time limit? For example, 6 months and you're serious automatically? This has been an age old question in every woman's mind and it's not like the men are going to announce it one day "Honey, from now on, we are a serious thing." Wishful thinking!

Watching "How I met your mother", I get a lot of my ideas for questions because it sparks up questions in my life. The show is really cute, and most of the things in it are very realistic and true. So, to the ones who are reading this, you can always comment me and help me answer my questions. :)

Til next time, toodles.


Another day, another feeling

Oh my. I feel like I haven't blogged in forever, then I got on here to check and what do you know? A month and a half gone and I haven't written anything. You know, I have 10 followers, many people probably do not even read it but I do it because it makes me feel better. I get it off my chest and move on with my day.

A quick update before I go off on my thinking.
Life- About the same
Work- Still working for the same company
Love- Dating someone

I wrote a status yesterday because I was overwhelmed with feelings and stuff. "When you love someone, you accept that person for who they are and not what you want them to be. If they have a lot of baggage, you stand by their side and help them unpack it, rather than add to it."

So, now that I have sat down and re-read my status, I have thoughts about it, as well as questions. How much are we willing to unpack of other's baggage without expecting something to give? Do we stay if the person has more baggage than us and you have to deal with more things in their past than they do? I joke around with my friends and often tell them "it's easier for me to date a virgin". This is obviously a joke, but sometimes I wonder. Are even the virgin nowadays full of their own crap from the past? The only time someone significant in my life has had to deal with my exes or anything from them, was if the ex was brought into my life by me. I have done this before and I am not ashamed to admit my wrongs.
Is it possible to date someone who is divorced, has kids and/or has psycho exes that are ruling in his daily life? Can things be overlooked just because you love this person and want a life with them? If these things directly affect you through him, does that make this your problem as well?

There are so many questions in the world and not enough answers for me. Many of the reasons I ask these questions is because I am unsure of how to deal with my own emotions and reactions to someone else's past. My mother and my father are divorced. My mother remarried, my father did not. My mother had another child with the man she married. My father had no kids other than the ones with my mother. Once they were divorced, they barely spoke other than "It's your weekend with the kids" and "When are you picking them up". My mother never meddled into my father's relationship even though they had kids and my father never did either (although he did badmouth a lot). Is that not possible anymore? The kind of respect someone needs to have towards a third-party who has nothing to do with you or your kid- is that nonexistent?

I have dated many people with kids and baby mama drama, ex wives, psycho exes, etc. I was able to deal with things then. I have also recently dated someone with no ex wives, psycho exes or kids, and the freedom was amazing. Am I just too old for the empathy to be able to go through this again or is it that I am more mature and have started demanding some consideration towards myself?

I guess what I'm trying to ask: If you love someone, just how far are you willing to go for that person when they really don't have to move mountains to love you?

I'm eating my feelings

Hello dear bloggers,

I really am random lately in the aspect of love, friendship and just generality of life. I've been thinking a lot lately, mainly because I've been a roller-coaster of emotions for the past year. I've come to some conclusions about myself that I really didn't have before and I'm happy about that. Eventually these conclusions are going to help me become the woman that I want to be, not the woman everyone else wants me to be. In order to share my findings with everyone, I have to tell you where I come from.

I was born in a big city called Banja Luka in Bosnia. Such a beautiful place, and it has grown so much. I haven't seen it since war times and it won't be easy to go back, but I promised myself that I would.
I was a war child. I've seen and heard things that a child my age shouldn't have had to, but as humans we endure and we move on. (at least we're supposed to).
I'm also a woman with middle child syndrome, I'm the black sheep of the family and I come from a broken home. Middle child syndrome just means that I didn't have enough attention growing up. See, I said ENOUGH..I did have some. My mother loves me and so does my father, but at times they thought the battles that they had in the living room were unseen by their children. They weren't. Same goes for battles with my step-dad. They weren't either.
Middle child syndrome also makes me feel like I'm not good enough. I didn't feel as good enough as my siblings did, and I carry that still on through life. I've managed to get ahold of it, but it peeks out whenever I get into relationships or close friendships.
Being a black sheep isn't so bad. Sometimes it gets lonely and I would like to fit it, but then again I am me and I like myself.
Coming from a broken home, my relationships suffer. I don't trust very easily, if at all. I don't allow myself to get close to many people because of that. The people that I let into my life are very few and far in between. By writing this, I am in no position to ask for pity nor do I want to receive it. I've dealt with some of these emotions for years and they are very hard to overlook sometimes. Pitying me will just make me mad and will boot you out of my life quickly. Because I've had to endure what I've been through, it has made me stronger so I don't need anyone's pity by any means. With strength comes a price. Sometimes I'm strong and I hide behind a great wall.
Now with all this being said, my family doesn't really talk to each other. Oh we have great conversations but opening up about feelings and how we see things, the conversation is shut down in a matter of minutes. Maybe it's a European thing, maybe it's just my family thing; I don't really know but growing up, I didn't talk about how I felt. I didn't talk about my feelings. I'd just throw a fit and get over it eventually.

As a grown woman, I learned the more you keep things inside, the more they eat you alive. You become bitter, you become hateful, you become a darker, gloomier side of your former self. Sometimes people will forgive you for the things you do or say, and sometimes they will walk away. They will attempt to understand you, talk to you and comfort you, but eventually the baggage you carry, you will have to unpack yourself.

Which brings me to my baggage and my findings. Trust. Love. Relationships. Family. Marriage.

Trust- I don't trust and when I do, I do it fully. If you betray my trust, I will give you chances to fix it as long as you know that you stand on thinner ground every time you lie. Sometimes I give too many and I don't know when to walk away, but I will do it eventually.

Love- I'm a friggin' retard when it comes to love. My best friend says my love is huge. She's always told me I love too much and too hard. I guess I never really believed her. And I never really thought what I had to offer someone could possibly be enough for them.

Relationships- All my friends are getting married. I'm 26 and drunk. Why doesn't this aspect of my life FUNCTION!? Honestly? I haven't allowed it to. You know years ago, my best friend (again she is referenced here a lot cause she's like Yoda) told me that I always get into a relationship with one foot out of the door. This is true. I get into a relationship and I am enjoying myself. We're getting along, we may have some disagreements and then we fix things. As soon as feelings start getting deeper, I look for faults, I start arguments, I do random things (sometimes subconsciously) to let that person down. They walk away. End of story. End of relationship. Who suffers here really? I mean who will stay together with me and try to understand that this is what I've done for years and that I want and need to change, but it will take time? Who the hell is going to put up with this? Well considering I'm single, no one.

Family- Oy! I love my family, don't get me wrong but talking to them about my feelings makes me sound bipolar, manic depressive and they just don't believe in that. Therefore, I just keep to myself and talk to a few people close to me (not a lot of them left). My family is very loving and while I don't blame them (anymore), they still have a few influences in my life. For example, my biggest influence is my mother. She is too good of a person to be stuck in a marriage where the man she loves is an idiot. He may love her, but he cannot respect her and her children like they need to be. He sucks the life out of her and every day she stays with him, is one day too long. Don't get me wrong. My mother is a dutiful woman. This is what she is supposed to do, but shouldn't happiness be part of the deal? I am scared to death every day that she will worry and work herself sick.
My father is another influence in my life, but he hasn't been directly in it for years. We've only lived together 2 years of the life I can remember. Those were the best years of my life. I felt like I had a family. My father understands my semantics, but he is not here to be able to give me advice, discipline me, tell me what to do. I have a father figure in my life. It's more of a tear-me-down relationship than build-me-up. My step-dad has been in my life most of the 26 years I've been alive. He is not the most supportive person in the world. He's done a lot of damage to my self-esteem, my confidence and my ability to love and be loved. I used to blame him for a lot. I still have some grudges left that I have to work out on my own, but in time.
My sisters and brothers are amazing people. They have their heads on straight and they are making their life shine to the fullest. I envy all of them (even my 15 year old sister). They inspire me to be better and do better in life. I just wish I knew their secrets.

Marriage- The word itself freaks me out. ONE person for the rest of your life. Trusting that person not to hurt you, not to hold your feelings against you, not to lie to you, not to cheat on you. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, sharing..It makes me wanna scream. Now, nowhere here did you hear me say I don't WANT it. I do, but seriously? Will I be enough for him? Will he be enough for me? Did he choose me because he thinks I'm that special someone for him, or am I just good enough?

My findings- I've learned people want someone who is already built up, confident and strong. Men want a woman who can cook, not someone who needs to learn. They want one who is confident, not working on it. They want strength, not someone who cries at a dog food commercial (shut up lol). Women expect the same things. They don't want to have to fix a man. They don't want to have to deal with their baggage and all the drama that comes with it. I've fixed people my whole life. I've worked on their confidence, I've helped them get through problems and through helping them I thought I was growing as a person in that friendship or relationship. I wasn't. I just learned I like to take care of people. But when it comes down to it, I need someone to help me do what I helped them do. I need someone who won't put up with my crap, but love me enough to tell me instead. I want someone who will call me on my wrongs, but with constructive criticism not put-downs. I want someone who will respect me, be on time, remember dates, take control, accept me for who I am, be able to be my best friend (although Casey, my bff, will fight you for it) among many other things.

Look, I am not an easy person to get along with. I don't even know what tomorrow will bring for me and I am afraid of everything I do and say. I didn't use to be like this. This is years of hurt, lies, cheating, selfishness from significant others, and abuse in the making. This is not an overnight thing. So, my change will not be an overnight thing either.

Support me, stand next to me, tell me you can do this journey with me, hold my hand and make me feel safe...or walk away, don't try but never look back.

This is me.


I'm officially a loser!!!

Dear bloggers!
Yup, you heard it here first. I'm a loser! I lost 4 lbs!!! I know it's a slow progress. It means it's 1 lb a week, but anything is better than nothing. I have been going to the gym 5 days a week for about an hour or so. I feel a lot better! Also, I have noticed that my lovely behind is getting tighter! My thighs are looking better as well. I still haven't quite figured out how to eat healthy as I'd like to, but I am staying within my calories and all that so I'm not doing too badly with the food that I am currently accustomed to eating. Everything is moderation. Anyway, since I haven't blogged, I could do my regular update on life.

Job: Still love it!
Friends: Need more of them!
Love: It'll come!

Toodles!!

You will either be sore for today, or sorry for today

Bloggers! I have lost half an inch in my waist. I know that is not much, but I am flippin' excited. Seems like whatever I am doing is working and I intend on making myself a health nut. I'll be a good one, I'm OCD already! :) I have friends support on MFP (not in real life), and that's OK. The only person that needs to believe in me is ME! I love my friends, but sometimes they can be real downers when it comes to what I'm doing. I had a cheat day yesterday. Went to dinner with a friend, but still logged everything the way it was supposed to be. Went over my calories, but 167 calories for great food, great wine and great company every once in a while, I'm perfectly OK with. :)
Anyway, I wish I had more people that want to do this with me. I am so excited about losing weight, it's unreal. It's been a while since I have updated about life.

Life- is OK. I am trying to get all of my things back in order.
Friends- don't see them as much. Busy with the above mentioned.
Love- All of my friends are getting married; I am 26 and drunk. :)

No loss..yet

Dear bloggers, I haven't written for about a week and a half now. I have been exercising regularly, 5 days a week. I am determined to lose weight, feel and look better so my goals in life are achieved by a new me. The old me is starting to get tired of this world and its shenanigans. Anyway, I have not lost any weight yet. I am still waiting to hit the one month mark and see if I even have one inch of difference ANYWHERE on my body. I do see more definition in my legs when I walk. That's boosting my ego quite a bit. :)
I was so confused and lost when I started MFP, that I didn't know what to do. One blogger came to my rescue and gave me the link to her blog on which I was able to read the information I needed. Weight Loss Technique is an amazing blog to read because it does go into detail what you should be doing when counting calories. I have no support at all. My friends and family think I'm all nuts, and they hate when I pick food and look at the label. I'm sorry, guys, but I can't be as perfect as you all are. I can't be a size 5, I can't be thin and eat anything, and I am not happy with myself. I wish you all would understand how this makes me feel, but you probably never will.

So this journey, I am doing for myself, all by myself. It's not like this is the first time in my life I've done things alone; it won't be the last.


Toodles!

Without struggle, there is no progress

Dear bloggers,
I visited quite a lot of websites about weight loss trying to get myself into some sort of routine. Health kick has official kicked in and I am sick and tired of the fat girl in the mirror. I've got a lot of information but now I am trying to space out that information and create actual knowledge of fitness. This crap is hard. Whoever said weight loss was easy has been a single digit their whole life. I visited a couple of blogs as well, learning a lot about different people and getting some motivation to continue on my path. I saw this quote on a blog and I absolutely loved it. It is also the title of this post. "Without struggle, there is no progress." Well, if this is true, I should be well on my way to progress. :)

All this time I thought I wanted a workout buddy, but after seeing myself sweat like a pig and look as gross as possible, I think I'm better off working out alone. Yesterday I did another 3 miles, and sweated something horrible! You know the most horrifying things that can happen to you in the gym is looking retarded in front of a cute guy or in front of people who "know what they are doing". Well I ended up with both. I dropped the TV remote, while running, in front of two girls who looked like models. No sweat, no nasty hair, perfection in a body? Yeah, those heifers. I ended up looking clumsy. Then, a really cute guy came to run in the gym and I drop my cell phone, again while running. Horror!

Anyways, I'm going again today.
Toodles!

Feelings..you either eat them or write them

Hello my dear bloggers. I am not having a "myself" day today. I haven't been feeling like myself for the past couple of weeks and I don't particularly like this feeling. I got to thinking about relationships, love, respect and moral fiber these past few weeks. Talking to my friends and family about love, I still after 11 years of dating have not figured it out. Of course, love is different things to different people. Some may see respect as loving someone, some may see putting someone first as love, some are more emotionally challenged and can only love but not show. There are different variations to the effect love has on us. Me personally, I feel love with everything. When I fall in love, I want to be able to say that this person completes me. Two lives forming one is very hard to find because people lately are just looking out for their own interests and have become too selfish to put anyone else first.
Now with that being said, I've done a lot of thinking and have realized that while I am looking for a relationship and looking for the love that I want and need, I am also working on myself and letting go of a lot of things I should have let go before. For example: feelings for my ex, constant put downs by my step-dad, past hurts that I've let build my wall for me. My mother always used to say "everyone comes with baggage but it depends on how much you care for that person to help them unpack theirs." I think of it differently. People should not put their baggage on you, but nurture you past those fears and insecurities. I'm not saying someone should try to change you, but if you're willing to change, why not help you do it?
Speaking to a friend at coffee last night, I've realized I may be looking at relationships somewhat the wrong way. It's not completely wrong, but there are some things I could definitely improve upon and that was pointed out to me last night. Gotta love when you have friends who tell you how it is. I like that. :-)

I may refine this blog more tonight and add more to it, so if you're following, keep a lookout!

Toodles!

I never would have gotten anywhere by following rules

Hello dear bloggers. I haven't blogged in a few days. I've been going to the chiropractor. I have to go three times a week for 4 weeks. Apparently that accident really threw me out of alignment and I am hurting and sore all over. The first time I went was absolutely painful afterwards. The second time I went felt a little better, and today I go for the third time. I went to bed last night at 2am, and woke up at 6am so I could use a nap. If I misspell anything, it would not be on purpose at all. You guys should know by now how gramatically Hitler-ish I am. :)

Friend dept: Love my friends. Many of my Saudis are coming back and I cannot wait. I really miss them and absolutely miss spending time with them!

Job dept: I still deeply love my job. It gives me a sense of purpose and my co-workers are the funniest people ever. I enjoy working here.

Love dept: Let's not talk about that one this time around, shall we?

So that's it. My current update. Toodles!!!

I carry you in my heart

I haven't written in a while. I know I don't really have a lot of followers, but I still keep writing. Maybe it just keeps me sane. The job is still going well. I'm appreciating having to work for something every day and I hope that it stays like this for a while. I still haven't looked for a teaching job. It's more nerves than anything else. I am putting it off, but eventually I will have to get my head out of my butt and do it.
I am thinking of starting another project. Maybe use this blog to promote things. Like fashion, or make up..jewelry, arts and crafts; something I'm good at.

As far as the friend department, I have the same ones I've always had minus some of the fake ones that tricked me and made me think they were real. Zerina and I have become really close and I really appreciate that. We are even moving in together. 4 more days to that!!!

Family department: War has begun! Step-dad is back to his horrible, Hitler, cynical ways. His tumor has shrunk. Yay. But his ego, pride and douchebaggeriness has increased. Not appreciating that at all. I had an accident in his car on the way to pick up Anel. Someone hit me in the back, and slid me into the car in front of me. Not my fault at all. (minor scratches on the car). I got yelled at, threatened, called names. People still don't realize how that makes me feel or has made me feel like for the past 20 years, but I'm tough. I'll make it through.

Love department: I really like my boyfriend. That's about it on that subject. :)

July

So happy news: I got a job! It's not a teaching job, but it's still a job and it still gets me where I need to go. To be honest, I haven't looked for jobs since I graduated. I know, I know, bad me! But I will eventually. I just have to figure out if I am going to move or not soon so I know whether to even bother looking for one.

I am working as a dispatcher/office person/anything they need me to be at Greenline Express Inc. It's a trucking company and I absolutely love my coworkers and my bosses. They are fun to be around and just amazing people all the way around. So that's it on the job front.

Family is doing OK. Step-dad is still recovering from everything. He goes to chemotherapy once every two weeks and that's usually when his health disintegrates, but other than that he is doing great. They are going to try to do a CT scan the next time he goes to chemo to see if the cancer is pulling back from his liver or if it's metastasized.

Love department, I am dating someone new. We have been together a month and we like each others company. That's about all I am going to say on that subject.

Friend department, I still have my oldies who are sticking by me no matter what. Some have recently left my life and honestly, good riddance. I got to see Monica, Allie and Susana; we had a small La Garriga reunion which just made me miss all of my friends in Spain. :-( I need to visit soon!

Anyways, just a short blog to let you guys know what is going on in my life lately. :) Toodles til next time.

Life as of now

On the job hunt, it hasn't been very easy but I have two summer job prospects and as soon as I get some cash-flow, I am applying for teaching jobs headfirst. I WILL prevail. I am nervous to be a first year teacher but so excited to meet my first students and teach them things! So that's for the job department.

As far as the life department goes, my step-dad had his first chemo treatment and other than a few mild side effects, he is doing well. This week he is off the chemicals and medication so his body can rest. He looks a lot better and is more peppy than he has been so thank you everyone for your prayers and thoughts with us at this hard time. I know a lot of you may not know what is going on, and I don't want to blog about it. Just know that every thought, every prayer, and every word has been with us and has helped. You are doing some good. :)

Friend department: I reconnected with a few older friends, which is always a good thing as well as made some new ones along the way. I miss Spain for many reasons, but one of those reasons is my roomie and friend Susana. We've had some awesome talks at night and haven't been able to have those pillow talks since we've been back, but our time is coming!

Love department: You have to kiss a lot of frogs right? I refuse to settle so therefore it seems like I'm being too picky. Since I've been back from Spain, I've been enjoying my single life and wish to grow more as a person and a woman before I commit myself to that "institution" we all call a happy relationship. Maybe one day I'll meet my prince, but I think he's lost, stubborn and refuses to ask for directions. Just my luck!!! :)
This is my life in a nutshell since I've been back. I will post more when I need to chat or just feel like blogging again. Toodles til then, my dear followers.

Back home!


Ok, so my lovely friends, it's been a while since I have blogged. Last you heard, I was going to Croatia to visit my father. Well, that happened and it was the best experience ever. I mean, I saw my daddy! Of course it would be. I spent the weekend with him and his long-time girlfriend Jadranka. We had some really great food, enjoyed each others company, relaxed and went sightseeing a bit. I didn't get many pictures mainly because I was more focused on spending the time with my father than anything else.We went to the country and just spent some time taking pictures. These pictures were taken in two different places. One is a town built completely on waterfalls called Slunj and the other is Karlovac. Both gorgeous and full of greenery as you can see. 
Well once I left Croatia, I came home to Barcelona and spent some much needed time on the beach with my La Garriga girls. We had a party at SEK the very last days and invited our friends who live downstairs. We all enjoyed our last days and now wish we can go back. 
Once I got back to the States, I was very excited to see my friends and family again, but was very sad that I had to leave Barcelona. It still brings tears to my eyes that I'm not there right now. :(

I spent a whole day with my family and before I knew it graduation was here. It was a very busy day for me and my family both. Lots of cooking, cleaning, greeting people and socializing. All in all, it was a very wonderful day for me. One of the happiest, besides my days spent in Spain. 
I was so glad my brother was there and some friends showed up as well (we won't specify who, so we don't shame the ones who said they would be there and then didn't show up).
Graduation day was a very happy time for me, and now I am on the job hunt. I am applying for teaching jobs as well as summer jobs and hopefully it works out for me to work with one of my friends. I could sure use the job over the summer to get back on my feet from Spain. I broke the bank with that one, but wouldn't have it any other way.







Finishing my tourist list with Susana :)



 Guess where Susana and I first went? I'll give you a hint. Look at the picture!!! Oh my God, we were so excited when we saw the beach. We acted like two little girls in a candy store. I absolutely love the beach because where I lived in Croatia, my house was 4 houses away from the beach so it was at my disposal whenever I wanted it. :) My daddy always used to call me a fish, because I'd never get out of the water when he'd tell me to.

 We didn't just stop at the beach. We also took the Gothic walking tour (our own tour instead of the paid one) and saw the cathedral of Barcelona which is also called Santa Maria del Mar (Saint Mary of the Sea). Again, I am an amazing navigational guide because the metro is now under my command. Considering I do not live in Barcelona, I think this is pretty darn good. Once we took the tour and actually saw a lot of the buildings mentioned online, we came to a placa where some guys were breakdancing. Of course I am in love with people who can dance and love observing any kind of dance so we stopped to watch. They were showing off, dancing and were really talented. I believe one of the guys was a gymnast but this didn't get proven til later. The one boy who I believed was a gymnast pointed to me and asked me to "come here" with the movement of his finger. I stood still for a bit and he motioned for me again. I stepped a little hesitantly up to him as he picked 3 more girls. One of them spoke Spanish, one of them spoke German only and two of us were American.


He lined us up in a row, showed us off to the crowd and then had us bend over and touch our toes. At first we were wondering what the heck? He explained that he was going to jump over us, to which all of us were like "Uhm, No!" But he assured us this is 100% safe. We got into our position, and he did his trick. Voila! No one hurt and he shows off his amazing skills. Great experience! Til the next adventure, toodles!!!

Tourist day out con Kristi :)




Adventure time in Barcelona! Since I was traveling last weekend, and I am going to be traveling next weekend, I thought it would be good if I actually explored Barcelona a bit. Kristi and I woke up and left La Garriga at 11:35am. We got to Barcelona about an hour later and decided our first stop would be La Sagrada Familia. On the train, we got off two stops before we were supposed to, transferred metros and apparently I am a professional at this metro thing (even though I don’t live in Barcelona) because I found all stops just fine. 
 






We arrived at Sagrada Familia and bought our tickets, only to find out our time for the lift is not for another hour and a half. We went inside to explore and take pictures but after we were done, we sat down on one of the pillars outside and played games on our phones until it was our time for the lift. 2:40pm finally came and we went up. In the lift, the guide lets us know we will be walking our way back down. WHAT?! Do you not know I am phobic of heights, woman? Oh dear God. At this point, all I’m thinking is “Gabi, please don’t freak out. Please don’t freak out.” My knees are weak, but I still manage to walk out of the lift. So terrifying to be up this high, but the air is exhilarating and the view..oh the view! 

 



The view is breath-taking. My feet are planted firmly into the ground as I make my way across the small stone bridge. I feel a little better because I am being brave but it’s still scary. I finally cross the bridge and it’s time to go down. The stair case that you walk down is completely closed in by stone walls, but the middle part of it is open. I literally slither down the sides of the stair case walls all the way down. We are OUT! Freeeeeeeddddoooooom! Even though it was terrifying, I’m glad I went because the view is something you don’t want to miss. 


 
Next stop was Montserrat. When we got to this metro stop, the guy we asked for directions with the tickets told us that it would be pointless for us to go now because we’d only have 45 minutes to explore. So we decided to go to Park GÏ‹ell instead. It was gorgeous as well. The walk up the hill is a definite tester of your strength, but once you make it to the top, the entrance to the park is gorgeous. The different colors, the architecture and the different mosaics built into the stone makes you forget you walked all that way up the steep hill. As you enter the park, if you want to see all the way to the sea, you have to walk ALL the way up to the top. Again, this is a test of your strength. Kristi and I went all the way up and the view is astonishing. 
 
From the very top, you see Sagrada Familia and Torre Agbar towering over the city and if you look further, you see the sea which made me giddy. At this point, I promise myself I will see the sea before I leave Barcelona and I don’t care what the weather is like. We explored the park for about an hour and a half, then walked back to our metro stop and went to Placa Catalunya to meet Logan for coffee and some shopping before she goes off to travel for the weekend. Kristi and I came back very happy but very tired on the last train. Overall, the day was amazing. We saw some of the sights, did some shopping and finished souvenir haggling for some of our family and friends back home. 
 
When I came home, I skyped before bed, which finished my amazing day off with a cherry on top.

Life worries me

All the kids are traveling for the weekend. The only ones that are left here in La Garriga is Logan, Chen and me. Kristi is here too, but definitely not by her choices (a little ridiculous story). This weekend Kristi and I are planning on kidnapping Alana and use her as our tour guide around Barcelona. Everyone explored Barcelona for the first weekend, and here we are leaving it for our third. Logan is leaving Sunday to travel, and we all do not have school til Tuesday! Yay! I love my kids, but I need a break. Today was a hard day in class. The internet was not working very well so the kids could barely Skype my friend Elvis to interview him. But I was prepared for Plan B and answered some of the kids' questions by myself. They were amazed as to how much I knew about the Islam religion. Research and Muslim friends help a lot. :) Plus I love religions (all religions) and want to know as much as I can about each one. In English class, the kids also made their own books online and it was a super fun excitement. Tensions were there at first and their teacher was pretty frustrated so I pulled my best Harry Wong and turn the lights on and off to get their attention. They immediately settled down because reading with me in the other room did not sound half as much fun as them making their own books. :-) Successful classroom management skill! (I pat myself on the back as I say this).
I am worried about home. My step-dad is still in the hospital and they cannot do chemotherapy until he has gotten better. I cried a bit last night just thinking about home and everything my family is going through, but I am trying to stay strong because they are counting on me to tell them all of these stories that I am sharing with you guys right now. :) I thank God for my friends who have Skyped me because they have kept me sane. (Nader, Sam, Mohammed Nasser, Moe, Elvis and Kim- Thank you!)
Well that is all for now. Oh and our food for this weekend is AMAZING! :)

We never make it to our destination

Susana and I went into Barcelona today on the school bus. By the time we reached Barcelona, we were both kind of hungry. We ate at this great pasta and pizza place. The spaghetti sauce is absolutely AMAZING. Best I've ever had. Our intentions were to go to a museum, but on our way there we stopped at a shop and did some shopping. Before we realized, it was already too late to go to the museum because we had to get on our train to La Garriga pretty soon. We got ice cream (again, for the umpteenth time this week). I love this ice cream place because they have the BEST ice cream called galleta maria, which is a type of cookie in Spain. The cookie tastes like the Bosnian cookie that my mom uses to make my favorite cake with, so I am absolutely in love with its flavor. Nothing really exciting today happened, other than planning a lesson for tomorrow. My kiddos are going to be coming up with questions to ask my friend Elvis about his religion and we have a visit from the Dean and Dr. Carter tomorrow. They are coming to observe us. I thought I was going to be nervous, but I got this! :) Anyway, this weekend I am planning on exploring Barcelona from all sides and seeing every attraction I want to see. Alana is going to help me and perhaps Logan joins us. I'm excited. Until tomorrow, dear bloggers. Hasta luego!

16 days left

I have 16 days left in Spain. At times I feel like not a lot of time has passed and then other times I believe we've been here forever. Paris was amazing. I cannot wait to someday go back when I have more time. Susana and I went into town yesterday for Sant Jordi's day. Sant Jordi tradition is that girls get roses and boys get books. No one could explain to me why the boys get books but here is why the girls get roses. In a village in Catalunya, there was a dragon who pestered the people of that village. It would come into the village and eat the people so the villagers made a pact with the dragon that they would sacrifice a person for the dragon to eat. The way they went about this was they would put everyone's name in a hat and they would draw out one name a day. One day, the name they took out of the hat was the Princess' of the village. The princess was on her way to the dragon's lair to be sacrificed when a knight on a white horse appeared in front of her. He told the princess not to go to the dragon, and he went instead. He killed the dragon with a spear and when he did, the dragon's blood turned into roses. The knight saved the princess' life. She went back to the village and the knight disappeared. Sant Jordi's day is kind of like Spain's Valentine's day. Susana and I really enjoyed ourselves in Barcelona! At the end of the night is when things got scary. We missed our last night train and had to take the night bus. We finally asked and figure out the directions to get to the bus stop. Once we arrived in La Garriga, we didn't know where the driver dropped us off so with Susana's Spanish and my Spanish and navigation skills, we finally got back to the school at 3am. It was an adventure, but not one we want to repeat again.


Today, in the classroom my teacher was so frustrated with the kids she was on the verge of tears. She broke down and finally said to me "I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm a bad teacher." We talked for a while and I gave her a lot of advice. I also turned her to Harry Wong and his videos on classroom management. I am already watching over one trouble maker in the classroom and I often stand or sit by his desk to keep him on task. This is no problem for me because I feel like my classroom management skills are strong. I help with English by making sure the kids are on task and learning what they need to do while she teaches. I am excited for the religion class this week because the kids will be skyping my friend Elvis and asking him questions about his religion. Anyway, bloggers! I feel like I'm rambling. Have a good day and continue to say a few prayers for my family. Gracias por todo, mi amigos.

Belle France



Ok, so Monica, Chen and my plan was to leave La Garriga on Thursday (day 9) at 1:30pm to stay in a Barcelona hostel. I came to their room at 1:30pm, Monica had locked herself out and Chen went to print the boarding passes. The reason we were leaving early is because Chen was meeting some friends in Barcelona. The boarding passes finally printed, but we left late and arrived at the train station late so we waited for the 3pm train. We got to Barcelona and looked all over for her friend and at first, could not find her. Once we found her friend, we stopped at a nice little cafe and sat down to get something to eat. Chen's friend tells us that she was in a motorcycle accident not even an hour ago (motorcycle hit her, she reported it to the police). Not only did the poor thing get his by a moving object, she also lost her passport so they had to contact the police to find it. Hopefully they did. Good luck on their voyage. Monica, Chen and I shopped in Barcelona for a while and then decided to take the metro and bus to the hostel. First, my ticket would not scan.

Then the bus did not stop at our stop and continued on for two more stops. We got off and walked on the highway backtracked trying to find our stop. Once we got to somewhere recognizable, we noticed the police officers and decided to ask them for directions. They let us know that "this is not a safe neighborhood and we need to get off the streets." By this time, it is very late and we are very tired and the worst news we could get was that the hostel we booked was in a "dangerous" part of town. We finally get to the hostel and the desk clerk says the same thing. "Ladies, you need taxi not bus to airport." Uh, yes sir. So we get to our rooms, Chen's key isn't working, there is no light in our bathroom, we have no towels but of course we figure things out! We hardly got any sleep! We called a taxi, got to the airport and were ON OUR WAY TO PARIS!!! Once we got to France, we had to find our bus to Paris (which took an hour and a half and was 30 euros round-trip!!!!) Arrived to Paris, got to Monica's hotel room, decided to take a walk around, started walking towards the Notre Dame, got lost and ran into the Louvre. So all's well that ends well. :) This is our couple of days in a nutshell!!! I'm glad I'm a calm person. LOL!
 L’église Saint-Eustache is a church in the 1st arrondissement of Paris, built between 1532 and 1632. The church is an example of the Gothic style in the Renaissance Era.
 The glass showcase in front of Arc de Triomphe. It says Peace on it in many languages. :)
 Château de Versailles- royal palace and absolute amazing. We toured the inside. It only takes about 45 minutes to tour if the palace is fairly empty. There are many rooms that are closed off to tourists, but there are a LOT of them that are open and are ably to be looked through. The King and Queen's bedrooms were open and amazing.
 The entrance to the Palace Versailles. Very beautiful and I believe it's true gold as well. If only I could have chipped off a couple of pieces before we left. :)
 Arc de Triomphe

 The famous Hall of Mirrors inside Versailles. It was simply used as a hallway between the Queen's bedroom and the King's bedroom.



The lovely Notre Dame. Absolutely amazing at night and amazing during the day. It is free to tour inside, but if you go all the way to the top it does cost you some euros, but not much. I didn't go to the top because the bottom was exhilarating enough for me.

I received some bad news from home. My step-dad had to go in for some routine check ups and they found out that he has colon and liver cancer. This is a very bad time for my family and I am heartbroken that I am not with them, but my mom has asked that I stay here and enjoy myself for them. So, that is what I am going to do. So dear bloggers, happy reading and please say a prayer or two for my family.

Day 7

Barca WON the other day! Madrid LOST today! I am so excited for the other game tomorrow. Alejandro is going to a local bar to watch it because we don't have cable here at the school and our wi-fi is horrible to try to watch it live on a laptop so we are heading to town to watch it tomorrow. SO excited. I'm sporting my jersey which I bought!!! :) Today was a really rough day. The kids here are incredibly rowdy which makes it hard to teach any class. The teacher that I am assisting is a really nice person and I feel like they don't respect her as much because she isn't a native, which is really sad. I was assisting in science, English and drama today. Science and English went really well; drama class was well...dramatic. It was at the end of the day and kids were not ready to listen at all. I am heading to Paris this weekend- THRILLED! I will take lots of pictures to show you bloggers! Next weekend, I am devoting to the beautiful Barcelona because we have a 3 day weekend, maybe even a 4 day one. I will possibly go to all of the Gaudi buildings that I am interested in, as well as take a tour of La Sagrada Familia and the Picasso museum. :) While I am in Paris, I hope to go to the top of the Eiffel tower, Pantheon, Notre Dame and the largest mosque in Europe.

Day 6



We went to Barcelona today and went to buy some souvenirs. Got some people back in the states covered. Monica, Chen and I are traveling to Paris, France this weekend. I am so excited about that.

We went to see a couple of buildings inspired by Gaudi today. They are absolutely amazing. The architecture of this city amazes me.









Also on the bus ride over we saw La Sagrada Familia. The expiatory church of La Sagrada Família is a work on a grand scale which was begun on 19 March 1882 from a project by the diocesan architect Francisco de Paula del Villar (1828-1901). At the end of 1883 Gaudí was commissioned to carry on the works, a task which he did not abandon until his death in 1926. Since then different architects have continued the work after his original idea.

The building is in the centre of Barcelona, and over the years it has become one of the most universal signs of identity of the city and the country. It is visited by millions of people every year and many more study its architectural and religious content.

It has always been an expiatory church, which means that since the outset, 130 years ago now, it has been built from donations. Gaudí himself said: "The expiatory church of La Sagrada Família is made by the people and is mirrored in them. It is a work that is in the hands of God and the will of the people." The building is still going on and could be finished some time in the first third of the 21st century.

Spain day 3-4-5

We went to town again and again we climbed that darn hill. Every day it gets easier, but my legs surely don’t think so right now. I think I’m honestly losing weight, but we will see when we come back to the states. Alejandro and Alana have been the greatest help to us, God bless them. I love making new friends and I have a feeling that the experiences here are going to be life-changing. I was asked today if I would do this all again, even with the frustrations of money expenses and things at home. I said “yes” without hesitation. Spain is beautiful and if they offered me a job today, I would take it. I’m thinking about applying to schools here for a job, but this is just a thought right now. Maybe I’m just mesmerized by Spain’s beauty and not thinking clearly. After town, Alejandro and Alana came to our apartment and we threw a little get together with some cards and Sangria. It was a very fun and relaxing atmosphere. The next day (day 4) Allie, Susana and I went to
Barcelona.









After figuring out what train tickets we needed and spending an hour on the train, we arrived to the beautiful Barca. We looked around, ate, took pictures, went into places we don’t have home, experienced a riot and got soaked wet while it was pouring rain. It was an experience that I wouldn’t change for the world. I am feeling a bit sick today, so making tea and curling up on the couch with a good movie is in the works. Have to recharge those batteries and sharpen the saw up a bit. I am thoroughly enjoying my time here. I was homesick probably the first day, but now I feel like I can stay here forever. Today is day 5 and we are staying at home because it is rainy today and going into town or to Barcelona would be very inconvenient right now. Until later, bloggers.

La Garriga day 2

Today was a little more hectic. The 6th graders I have, had a "Sports Day" today so they were not in the classroom all day besides at the end. My teacher, Stephanie and I were hanging out for about 3 hours while she was planning things for the upcoming weeks and finishing her paperwork. It is amazing to see how different the culture and the education is here. These kids take their English classes seriously, whereas the students we have who take a foreign language just seem to take it because it's a requirement. Also, their discipline system is very different. Spain is a very loud country; it reminds me of home. Today my kids were a little crazier than usual according to Stephanie, so I am very excited to see what they will be like tomorrow. I met them today and introduced myself. They are wild, but so precious. I think I am going to feel right at home here in the next few days. After class, Susana and I decided to go into town. LOVE the little shops. This weekend we may be going to Barcelona to spend the weekend there and have Alana take us to different sights. :) I'm excited. Until next time, hasta luego.

Just a little foreign girl in a little foreign town!

Hola mi amigos y amigas! Yo estoy en La Garriga, Espana! It is such a charming little town! First we landed in Barcelona. It took us forever to be able to depart from JFK but we were finally up in the air an hour later and still arrived on time. Strange huh? We arrived in Barcelona then took a charter bus to La Garriga. We arrived, had our orientation, met our teachers and had lunch. After everything we had to do today, Alejandro took us into town and showed us La Garriga and its little cozy shops. Of course, Susana and I were in the supermarket a little too long and our group walked away without us. Thank God I have an awesome sense of direction and we arrived back to our apartment safely. All in all, a very good day. I have a feeling my legs are going to be killing me tomorrow, because to get to town is a 25 minute walk downhill and then walking around the town, we spent at least a couple of hours. The 25 minute walk uphill back to the school made us realize how out of shape we were. A couple of more times walking to town and I believe we'll be back in shape. Anyway, it is 12am here and I am about to hit the sheets. Blog tomorrow again!!! :)

I am leaaaaaving..on a jet plane..don't know when I'll be back again!

Ok, so in about 4 hours I will be loading up on the plane to La Garriga, Espana! I am so excited and nervous! I hate to leave my family and friends, but they will be just peachy without me for a month. I cannot wait to tell you all about Spain every day, but I will wait and do that once I am actually there. I researched the school and it's amazing!!! I cannot wait to meet the kiddos, the teachers and to see the beautiful culture in Spain. I've always been mesmerized by the Spanish culture and now I get to experience it myself. I can only thank God for allowing me to follow my dreams and create this wonderful opportunity for myself. Love you all! See you in Espana! :)

Oh my dear student teaching!

Today, I was nervous. I was so nervous I literally thought I was going to pass out in front of my students. I am so glad my classroom teacher is understanding because she asked if she should leave the room and let me get started with my lesson first, and then come back in. She went out for 2 minutes and came back in. Once she did, I was already in my groove. :) It's nice to say that. That doesn't mean I'll be less nervous, NO WAY! It just means that my nervousness paid off. I taught spelling, math and grammar today..in that order. As nervous as I was, all I got was compliments and very good constructive criticism from my field teacher. I've had my very first warm and fuzzy moment this semester. When I taught grammar today, we were talking about tenses (past, future, present). My field teacher and I were talking about our InterWrite board not working. She said "Well it worked before." My most beloved moment came when one of my classroom kids came up to me and said "Ms. Smit, worked. That's in the past tense." I smiled! I want to feel this moment every day!

Second chances

Well hello there! I have been in a more creative mood lately and wish my ADHD would allow me to sit down and write them out. I have been jou...