I'm a woman, hear me roar!

No, this isn't some feminist blog post where I growl at men-owned businesses, demand higher pay or stage a protest with a picket sign saying "Housewives are the new slaves"...Although.. never mind. :) That's a whole other post.

Anyways, as a woman I often feel as though I am hushed all the time. We aren't allowed to be sensitive, sincere, kind or gentle anymore. Most of the "womanly" characteristics, predominantly in 2013, have been viewed as weak. Yes, I do understand there are women who cry just as a form of control. No, I don't know what the difference between those horrid creatures and normal women are, so I cannot help you.

I've seen a lot of women hold back tears on several occasions. Some even hold back emotions. They like a guy a lot, but they don't want to seem too crazy, too pushy, too sensitive, too needy. As a side note: Guys, you don't fucking help us feel normal either. Most of you just play games to get what you want. But trust me, we're all big girls. We can all handle the truth. If you want a booty call, say it and then we have two options. Give it up or don't and wait for the next one who wants commitment. If you tell us, then the chance of us developing feelings and being hurt in the long run is slim.

I don't see a need for games. You know which ones I'm talking about.."should I text, or should I wait for him to? Will I seem too pushy if I say I want to see him again tomorrow? Does he want something serious or is this just a fling?" There is one solution for this: ASK. Speak. Open your mouth and let the words come out. You have nothing to lose, but you have your self-respect and esteem to gain. You will feel much better when you know where you stand with someone.

My point is, as women, we are affected by everything. We are emotional creatures, we are the gentler sex, we are the care-takers. Let it happen. Don't cover your tears. Don't bottle up your emotions. Don't hide that chip on your shoulder. Don't be quiet about how you feel in any given moment. Don't let someone take advantage of your tenderness. I mean, after all..what do you have to lose? Either way, they call us crazy. If we're too emotional, then we're crazy. If we're quiet, then we're not social. You can't please everyone but there is one person who depends on your happiness. YOU! Take care of you first.

I'm done

I'm done trusting you. I'm done trying with you. There is no more hope left. You have betrayed me in every aspect of my life and I don't want to build a life with someone who continuously stabs me in the back. I'd rather be alone. I kept coming back, kept attempting to love you like I did. I kept coming back thinking "This time will be different", but every time I came back, more secrets and lies poured out. And I just can't. This is the end of my line. I'm at the end of my rope. My heart has been broken by you so many times and I cannot give it to you anymore. You were supposed to keep it safe. You were supposed to mend the hurt and make sure that you put it back together. I would never do what you have done to me. I have made my mistakes and I have fixed them. You continue to make yours and think I'm going to be okay with it because I love you. It doesn't work that way. You have turned into the most vindictive and spiteful human being I have ever met and this isn't the person I want to be with. I don't need to watch my back around the ones I love the most.

I don't have to name all the fucked up shit you did. I'm hoping you know it. I'm hoping you are halfway a decent human being and you know every single lie you told, every single hurt you brought up on me purposely, every single betrayal, every single untold information. I hope it haunts you. I hope you can't sleep knowing you could have fixed all of it and chose not to. I never wanted my freedom until you became my prison. You became everything I hated about myself and I hope one day, someone "loves" you like you "loved" me.

I need someone who will respect me in EVERY way even when he is mad, hurt by me or upset with me not talk to other girls or lie to me to "pay me back" or hurt me. I need someone to cherish me, be honest with me, be proud of me, show me off, be lovey with me, take care of me, care about me, trust me, consider me in everything he does. I need to be the girl he can't get out of his head, he can't sleep or breathe without. I need to be the girl he would kill or die for. I need to be his one and ONLY.

Thank you for proving to me that I was an idiot for ever trusting a word that has come out of your mouth. You are incapable of love, you are incapable of being a decent human being, you think the world owes you something, you think you're God's gift to women, and you think you are always right. Well, let me teach you something. NO ONE IS RIGHT in love. If you truly love someone, being right will never be more important, lying will never even be an issue, and doing things on purpose to the one you "love" because the person has hurt you somehow would never occur.

I told you once, I want to keep your friendship. Maybe years later we can look back on this and laugh. Maybe I'll never be able to look at you again. Right now, I'm so indifferent. It's almost as if I don't care anymore. This cold has swept over my heart and the only thing I have left is my hatred towards you and your actions. When the one you love the most betrays you, your world falls apart. You should know. Your ex wife did it to you and you sent karma to the wrong girl. I was always the wrong girl.

And another year older

Ok, so I love birthdays.
This year..not so much! I miss my step-dad, I feel lonely, I'm single, I feel humiliated, betrayed, untrustworthy..shitty is the perfect way I feel. 30 is getting closer and I still haven't found my prince charming. I guess this is what a girl has to feel when she is going through a nearing-30 crisis. I wonder what happens at 40?

Know what I'm doing to celebrate my birthday? Getting off work, going home for a quick nap, gym for a couple of hours and then either downing a bottle of wine at the house or going out to the local watering hole alone, maybe with a few friends for a drink to drown my pity party.

So my best friend and I have been chatting through texts for the past two hours and of course, he is just as retarded in relationships as I am. While he is afraid to fall in love, I am not. I welcome it with open arms.
Apparently, I have come to the conclusion that "I'm a great girl, any guy would be lucky to have me, I have the qualities any man would want" BUT NO ONE WANTS TO HAVE! I mean c'mon! I'm honest, I'm loyal, I'm independent, I don't take bullshit, I hate liars, I don't cheat or do any "behind your back" bullshit. The most horrible thing about me? I have male friends who I hardly see or talk to, I'm everyone's friend. I'm sick of being me. I have had EVERY, SINGLE, FUCKING EX tell me "you're a great girl. you deserve the best. you're what every man wants," but every single of the ones that have told me that, have done the worst to me. Physically abused me, mentally abused me, cheated on me, lied to me, have been insanely jealous FOR NO REASON, hid things from me, tried to change me, couldn't accept me for me or love me for me, call me names, etc.

What happened to loving someone for THEM? To make them happy, to make them smile because their happiness is ESSENTIAL like air to yours? I guess I'm too old to believe in fairy tales. Only two men in my life lived to see me smile and one of them was my daddy.
So please guys, thank you SO much about letting me know I'm the best you've ever had but treating me the worst you've ever done. I appreciate it, but from now on, love me less.

Anyways, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

P.S. I have two friends who I added online for a game I used to play who NEVER met me and surprised me last night with gift cards for my birthday. Thank you so much to the both of you. You have somewhat restored my faith in humanity and made me cry like a little girl.

P.P.S. My coworkers are awesome. I cried again.

HAJMO BOSNO BOSNO BOSNO HAJMO HERCEGOVINO

Let me tell you about my last weekend. Well, the stuff that I can remember anyway. It was the Bosna and Herzegovina vs. Argentina soccer game in St. Louis and of course, it's against our religion not to go...so there we were on Friday (soccer game is on Monday). Friday we all decide to go out and party. I mean when you have nothing else to do but to mingle with your country-folk and all they do is drink, why not? When in Rome Bosnia, right? There are 4 popular Bosnian bars in St. Louis and that is Skala, Vivid, Code and Club Europe. These became our watering holes for the whole weekend.

Friday- Skala Bar

Saturday- Skala, attempted Code, back to Vivid

Sunday- Vivid and Europe

Monday- Soccer game and Vivid

Tuesday- let's go home!!!

The soccer game is an unbelievable experience. Not because of the game, but because of our people. We are the loudest, the most obnoxious, the most prideful country in the world anyway. Put us in a competition somewhere against others and you will quickly see all of those characteristics come out. There were over 30,300 people at the game with over 30K being Bosnians.

The day of the game we waited in front of the hotel trying to get a picture of the players. I got a picture of my favorite one and a video of all of them together. 

I can die happily now.
No, seriously. It was my dream to see BIH play and now that I have, I can just croak right now.

 For the game I decided to go all out. Face paint!!! I get to paint, act like a dork AND go root for my country??? Hell to the yes. The blue isn't as bright as I wanted it to be, but by the end of the night it was all green anyway. When we got to the game, I freaked out over "jumping seats", but learned you can apparently do that when the stadium isn't sold out. Learn something new every day. At half time we decided to go smoke because even though the stadium is outside, smoking is prohibited. 

Stupid.

We were an amazing opponent in the first half, but in the second half we just started playing like girls. I understand it was a friendly game and it "doesn't count" but mama told me to do my best always.

Grrr!

A little bitter about traveling for them to play like pansies, but I understand. Damn it.

After the game..well..the pictures tell all.

Gym is my boyfriend

The reason I love gym so much is because it's always there. It never disappoints and every day you are closer and closer to your goal. It makes you disciplined, it makes you work for what you want and it makes you own up to your bullshit. It is the best therapy in the world. It relieves your stress, your anger, your drama, amps up your happiness and it's the best sleep aid.

I have to tell myself this every day. I get very impatient because I have been going for almost 3 months and don't see a lot of results whereas my roommate is looking like a DIME! I gotta keep reminding myself that we have different goals and body structures. She keeps me motivated though. Just seeing her body change as much as it has keeps me going and pushing for mine.

Now don't get me wrong. I HATE going to the gym, but once I am there I feel reborn. I absolute hate getting in the car for the ride to the gym. I hate getting on the treadmill with the thought of walking uphill. I hate thinking about how sore I am. I hate how sore I actually am. I hate when I struggle with my weight. I hate not being strong enough to lift what I want to lift. I hate how everyone in my gym looks like they've been there since birth and I look like a beached whale (according to me and the mirrors)....I hate..I hate...but I'm there. Every day. I still go. I don't quit. I may fall down, but I get back up. I suffer my pain because I want the body that I want.



I fall. I stumble. I don't go for a week. I get depressed. I let life get to me. I let the outside affect my inside. I let other people affect how I feel about me. I make mistakes. I am not perfect. I can't is in my vocabulary.

But I don't give up.

I can't afford to give up, because the only person I will fail is myself.

I won't give up. Even if it kills me.

Sometimes it's the little things

So, I've been going crazy with all the stuff that has been going on in my life. The break up, the getting back together, finding out he was talking to a couple of someone else's while I begged for another chance, I mean, he claimed he planned on marrying me. Although, I think this was just something to say to get me back, it worked. Feeling like I was cheated on, lied to, like my life and all my plans were literally taken from underneath my feet, my heart re-breaking into a million tiny pieces (good luck to the next one is all I have to say; he will have to cement that shit back on).

I spoke to a couple of good friends of mine last night. Actually, the irony is I spoke to the two that he hated so much and thought they posed a threat, but yet they stood up for him in some ways. The thing is, the threat was really in him. He was afraid of a lot of things. Even his own shadow when it came to love. He was so afraid I would hurt him that he ended up hurting me. I am no angel. I did have a huge part in this, but I would never do things intentionally (i.e. I did my bullshit when we were broken up. He did his when we were together.) Anyways, I came to the conclusion that I wasn't the person he fell in love with. He is looking for something else, someone else and I never came close to being good enough.

Moving on to the conversations. My friends want to see me happy. Regardless. It can be with him, or anyone else. They support me. They both asked me the same questions. "Do you love him?" and then gave me a speech on how to fix it if I do. At first their reaction to their friend being hurt is "fuck that asshole, you can do better" but when that friend is crying and broken, they want to see her happy again. And the other question was "how am I?" Of course, when you ask a brokenhearted girl "how is she", her reaction is quite simple.

Tears pouring out in clumps, her make up running, her hair stuck to the side of her wet face and snot bubbles coming out of her nose. Ladies and gents, it is NOT a pretty sight. I won't give you the details of the conversations because I'm apparently out of my mind crazy for ever thinking I could have gotten this one right. I'll just give you the basic gist of it. It takes a really strong person to love someone who is already broken. The thing is, I knew I was. I knew I had issues and that my issues will only be resolved with someone patient, caring and kind enough to deal with my high-tech bullshit. He was more of the "you hurt me so I hurt you back" type. I rarely got an "I'm sorry" and we never communicated about anything other than pointing fingers. All I ever got were "I'm sorry but.." There was only one time I believed he was truly sorry, and even that was taken away from me.

The thing I heard from both of my friends was to just live. It's not okay now, but it will be later. To not let this pain stop me from loving again, from living, from being consumed by life and all the little, beautiful things it has to offer. To guard myself against people but not so much that when someone amazing comes around and wants to give me the world, that I run. One thing I will never let happen again; I will never let anyone lie to me again. I've lied a couple of times and I regret it. Once to him; It only hurts more. Being lied to about everything? Where he's at, who he's with, who he talked to, even the little tiniest things like time..that builds on disappointment after disappointment until it explodes.

Anyways, I write this and it seems to you like I'm doing fine. Let me just make it clear that I am in no way okay. BUT maybe this is the first step in healing is being able to let it out. And since I can't let it out to the one who hurt me, I can to my blog and my poor family and friends. I've cried so much on my mother's shoulder the past weekend, it's amazing she still has one. I've been angry, I've been disappointed, I've felt betrayed. I spent a few nights drinking and drugging myself stupid with my friends. The healing process continues, I guess. I don't want to know what tomorrow will be like. I want life to surprise me.

Woah, we are actually nuts

Dear readers, are you ready to laugh at how crazy women actually are? So here is a little story to help you grasp the insanity that I have in my head on a daily basis.

So, my boyfriend and I broke up. It's a really sad thing. I kinda, sorta, possibly really did love him. Okay, so anyways, it was me that called it quits generally for the sake of my individuality. I didn't want to be in a relationship where I didn't trust him and he didn't trust me. Both of us have fucked up over and over again and despite the warning signs telling us not to, we fell in love and ruined each other's lives. There were lies, there was hidden information, there was that one thing with the rules, and a lot of "who the hell is that texting" and just general hatred of our opposite sex friends.

Okay, I have been a tomboy my whole life. I had two best girl friends that I can remember and that was it. The rest were boys. My dad for sure got a son, just with a vagina. I grew up not trusting females. They would stab you, lie to you, deceive you, sleep with your guy, get a boyfriend and ditch you completely, etc. The boys, I felt more comfortable with. First of all, they can't sleep with my bf or ex.

Anyways, on to my actual point. I got handed a ultimatum. I didn't make a choice and the silence was enough for him to make the choice for me. Even though this was what I wanted, as soon as I got it..I didn't want it anymore. Now, don't get me wrong. He would be my perfect man if he wasn't so jealous and actually let me have my freedom..but he won't. That's not who he is and I can't ask him to be anything less or more than what he is just to be with me.

Okay, so my point? Women are insane. The thought creeps into my head every day about what he is doing, where he is, if someone is making him smile, things remind me of him and I want to share. While some of the thoughts turn my stomach, others make me miss him. I wrote the same text message at least 500 times and never sent it.

The reason I didn't send it? Going back would mean I let go of my individuality and become what he wants me to be. That isn't compromise anymore. That's me becoming someone I'm not. I love my freedom and I love him. He doesn't like the fact that I have male friends. He doesn't trust me. Those things won't change no matter how much we love each other. I've tried. Maybe not as many times or ways as I'd have liked, but I tried. Haha should have hired a counselor.

I've never had this problem with a guy before; they usually knew how I was before the relationship. I don't know why this one didn't believe me.

One thing he said and he was right; I do stand up for people that would never stand up for me. I also sacrifice my life for them and their happiness, when I should worry about my own. Not anymore. Thanks for that..

I guess it takes time, but I swear one more person tells me that to comfort me and I'm snapping necks!

Men are stupid and women are crazy

“Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”― George Carlin


100% true. Men do not know what they have to lose until they have lost it and women spend years chasing some pipe dream of a man that when they finally get one, they don't want him anymore.

I can only do real life examples here and all of my examples are based on my personal experience. Man treats woman shitty. Woman tells man numerous times. Woman tries to walk away several times but because there are feelings still attached to her heart pump, she cannot. Man takes advantage. Woman finally leaves. Man realizes what he has and changes for the better. Woman takes him back. Woman now is too broken to function in that relationship and it's too late. Woman wants some time away. Man cannot handle time away. She's jealous. He's jealous. She doesn't trust him because he lied. He doesn't trust her because he thinks she lied. She's crazy. He's stupid. Man cries. Woman cries.

No happy ending.

Like seriously!? Only in the movies does he come back and she lives with the hurt like it never happened. Only in the movies does she forgive him for the last time and seems to forget about all those times he broke her heart. People, this isn't the movies. This is the real world with real, actual heartache. I don't know honestly why they don't make a movie to depict what happens after that glorious epiphany when they realize they love each other. The screen always goes black at the kiss. You assume they live happily ever after. Just once, I want the screen to come back on, the words "three months later" flash across the screen and the woman is yelling "Who the hell was that new bitch on Facebook? Let me see your phone. Who is texting you this late? What happened while we were broken up? I can't believe you hurt me so many times. I'm the same girl I've been and NOW you decide to love me?" or the guy yelling and screaming about how she needs to delete every man in her life except her father from Facebook and stop talking to them because he is trying to "build their trust back", giving her ultimatums that it's "them or him" or just generally not give a crap about what friendship means to her.

If it's gotten to that point, then it will never work. Especially if two people don't know each other and don't even know why they fell in love. Isn't that misery? I don't know what's worse. Being without the person you love or feeling like you have to lose yourself in order to be with them. I thought love was the full acceptance of that individual and all of their bullshit. I understand compromise. We've all done it. But when does the art of compromise become compromising to WHO YOU ARE?!

Found another great quote online. "Not all relationship break-ups are mutually agreed upon. Sometimes (or often) it's one person that chooses to exit. If the other person resists that process it can be very painful for both parties. It's important to recognize that adult relationships are voluntary and, except in the case of organized marriages in some cultures, no-one should ever feel obligated to stay in a relationship with another person if they have a heartfelt desire to be free of that relationship."

Just remember that relationships go through very difficult stages where one or both parties might want out. But given a little time and space, they may decide to work it out and stay in it for the long haul. Sometimes there is hope.

Day 31: Memory

Day 31: A vivid memory

My memories recently are not the greatest things in the world because so much bad has happened in such a short time that the only thing I remember are the sad moments.

I have many memories I can remember but none are really worth blogging about and some are kind of private. I feel like if you guys are going to keep reading I need to keep it PG-13 up in this bitch. By saying bitch, it's totally not PG-13 anymore, but who cares? If I think really hard about it, I can at least come up with one.

I remember the day I arrived in Spain. I was up all night. I just couldn't sleep. I was so excited to make my dream come true.

I picked up my packed belongings from my sister's bedroom floor and on my step-dad and I went. He drove me and of course lectured me for the hour drive about how to be safe abroad in a foreign country. I kept thinking "wait, we are foreign as well. I'll be fine," but he kept talking so I kept listening.

I arrived at the airport and met with my group of friends.You can see the scared looks on our faces but we were keeping them at bay. We were too excited. Whatever happens, happens. We marched forward through security and settled in at the gate.

We boarded the plane and after a LONG trip, we landed in Barcelona. The moment the double doors opened and I exited the airport, I took a deep breath of the fresh Barcelona air and fell in love. It was the best experience of my life.
After we got off the plane, we took a bus to La Garriga where we would be staying. It was a small, little town outside of Barcelona but it had such personality.

the train station in La Garriga

I will never forget the ice cream bought in this train station. My trip to Paris started with this train station and ended in the best 4 days of my life. I'll never forget the walk up the hill to get here and going through the market on Saturdays. I'll never forget my friend Tariq walking with me at 5am to the train station before my trip to see my father.
I will never forget Barcelona. It is engraved into me. Into my heart. Barcelona helped make me who I am today. It gave me the strength when I didn't think I could go on anymore. I will go there again. I will fall in love again. I will breathe the fresh ocean air again.

Christopher Columbus statue at the end of La Rambla

a little alley off of La Rambla

Gaudi building

Barcelona port

Another Gaudi artwork

Barcelona port

Sagrada Familia

Me on the top of Sagrada Familia

Santa Maria del Mar Cathedral

Park Guell

View from Park Guell

Day 30: Letting go

Day 30: React to this term: Letting Go

It means being strong enough. It means releasing the stuff from your life that doesn't affect you positively or make you grow as a person. It means breathing in the good and releasing the bad. Letting go isn't always a bad thing.

But nevertheless, It's the toughest thing to do and regardless of how strong you are, it will change you. There are many things you can let go of. Relationships, friendships, people, family, job, issues, baggage, grudges. You can also let go of the good in your life because you aren't ready for it.

For me, it means peace. Not peace at first, but peace in the long run. No more worries, no more problems, no more troubles. I wish I knew how to, but I don't. I have never let go of anything; time has just made me think of it less. I regret things, I'm still mad at certain people, I still hold grudges..I just found ways not to think a lot about them.

That doesn't sound healthy, does it? It's not. It tears me apart every day but the more I let it out daily, the more it leaves my mind and it takes it a longer time to come back to haunt me. That's one of the reasons I started this blog. My friends love me and want to hear it, but not every day and not when their lives are doing well or when they're having a bad day.

My blog has saved my life. Many times. I know not many people read it, but the few of you that do, are my blessings. And this blog..is my therapy from the world.

What does letting go mean for you at this moment in your life?

Day 29: Music is a way of life

Day 29: Five songs or pieces of music that speak to you or bring back memories. Use Grooveshark or YouTube to include them in the post



Avicii- Wake me up

Avicii- I could be the one

Guns N Roses- November rain

Metallica- Nothing else matters

Christina Aguilera- Save me from myself

I won't elaborate why I love these songs, or why they affect me. My heart is too heavy lately. If you feel like asking, please do it in a private message or email me. I can talk about my feelings for days, so get ready.

Day 29. I love music.

Day 28: Pictures

Day 28: Only pictures