Lately, I've been feeling..

Like I'm not good enough. Like whatever good I have done in the world will never outshine the bad. Like I'm a bad sister, friend, daughter, grand-daughter. Sometimes, these feelings end up taking my life over and in my own eyes, I don't measure up. It's amazing how the people in our lives can either build us or destroy us. They can influence our self-esteem, they can influence our footprint in this world, they have the power, but only if we let them have control. I've let it happen for too long. I haven't had someone build me in a really long time.

Lately, I've been anti-social. I just want to sit on my couch, and watch my Dexter marathon on Netflix and eat something not good for me. It may have something to do with March. It may very well be because I am dealing with a butt-load of emotions since it's been a year since my step-dad died or it may be because for the first time in my life, I have no one. I have a few friends and my family, but no one to really sit and hash things out with. No one to talk to about my deepest, darkest secrets or my hopes and dreams, no one to lean on, to depend on, to feel like myself around, to just relax with. My roommate, so far, is handling all of that herself, but with her one job and school and my two jobs, the only time I see her is gym time and that time is to put work in and to sweat. We have a few talks in the hours we do see each other and I'm thrilled she is in my life. I probably would have been hanging from my ceiling if it hadn't been for her.

I've noticed that for the past two years, I have completely changed the person I am. I used to be fun, I used to be talkative, I used to be social and I was everyone's friend. So many people leaned on me and confided in me. So many people loved me and were grateful I'm their friend. So many people knew the real me. I'm not the same person I used to be. Something dark has taken over my life and it has left only a small shell of my former self. That is my fault. I let my life be controlled. I let my life pass me by. I let people influence how I felt, how I loved, who I was, my friendships, my finances and where I lived.

No more. I am letting go and starting over, but first I have to deal with my dark times. I have to get knocked down to the bottom and I'm pretty close. I have to fall down into a bottle of alcohol before I get out. I have to relive my failed relationships and learn my mistakes. I have to get rid of my baggage before I can make room for anyone in my life. I have to let go.


Thank you, Obama-care. This chickie is about to get therapy. I wonder if they have couples counseling for anyone who wants to come with me?



I would like to thank...

I was nominated by an award by one of my favorite bloggers. You can check her out here! Thank you, Em! You're ahmayzing!


So since I was nominated, I have some things I must do.

1. Display the award on my blog (check)
2. Say "thank you" to the wonderful person that nominated me (check)
3. Post 10 interesting things about myself (shit!)
4. Nominate some of my favorite blogs (yay!)
5. Link to the nominated blogs and let them know I've nominated them (I figured!)


Crap. 10 things about me? Here we go.

1. I am originally from Banja Luka, Bosnia (Europe). I moved here in 1997 as a war immigrant.
2. I speak 4 languages including English and learning Spanish and know a bit of Arabic.
3. I was a straight A student who dropped out of high school.
4. I believe in true love (haters, shut up).
5. I love Disney movies.
6. I would love to move to a big city, but I am terrified I won't make it.
7. I highly disliked my step-dad. I couldn't stand that man with every fiber of my being, but I miss him every single day I breathe.
8. My family equals to the Brady Bunch. I have two step-brothers, one half sister and one full sister. I consider ALL of them my brothers and sisters!
9. I'm a gym rat.
10. I am a tad bit a lot OCD.

My favorite blogs

1. Don't Quote The Raven
2. Fitness Blondie
3. Outfit Posts
4. Princess Burlap

Toodles! And happy Friday!



Why couldn't I have lost my passport?

So, I'm back.

No, don't get excited.
Seriously.. I'm not. I left sunny, beautiful, exhilarating Mexico 87 degree weather and came back to 4 inches of snow and ice, accidents all over the roadways. Oh, and to top it off I was stuck at mom's on Sunday and was late to work on Monday because of this white shit.

Blah. Anyway, about my heaven of a vacation...


 The moment I arrived at the hotel, I ran to the window to check out the view. This was it. Oh glory be to God, if this is Heaven I am going to church on Sunday. Just kidding. Next thing I did, of course, was go to lunch and have una cerveza (a beer or five).


Besides checking out the views, on the beach is where I spent my vacation. I mean, can you blame me? Of course, I am a girl so I did some shopping and some drinking, but mostly my buns were in the sand. 
The first sightseeing tour was Chichen Itza, our 7th World Wonder, The Mayan Ruins. Being there was fun even though it was a lot of walking. It was very educational and very inspiring. I love history as long as it's fun and our tour guide Alejandro (Alex) made it amazingly entertaining. While I was there, I bought a Mayan pendant that has my first name initial engraved in Mayan language. I am wearing the pendant now. Also, I received a birth certificate painted in Mayan language on this old piece of paper that reminds me of the Egyptian papyrus. 

The next tour we went on was to Isla Mujeres, the Island of Women. The reason it's called that is because of the many statues of women on the island. We got there by a catamaran, swam, snorkeled, ate and lounged on the beach a little. When we got there, we took a taxi tour of the island where I held a shark and took many pictures of the island. 



The snorkeling was the best part for me. My dad always used to say I should have been born a fish and trust me my fish instincts came out in Mexico.




 The next tour was Xel-Ha Park! Oh em gee! It's like a water amusement park where you can swim with dolphins, swim with manatees, snorkel, scuba dive, do underwater walks, handle macaws and see lots of reptiles. Plus there are three restaurants in the park and all the food and drinks (alcohol as well) is included in your entrance price. We didn't waste time. We immediately snorkeled for hours, ate and drank until we were happy and then went to do the activities that we wanted to do.




So again I say...Why couldn't I have lost my passport???




Second chances

Well hello there! I have been in a more creative mood lately and wish my ADHD would allow me to sit down and write them out. I have been jou...