Green with..jealousy?

Hello! Toodles! Hola! Cao! Zdravo!

Sorry, two hours of sleep and this is what happens. I get very hyper and very bouncy, and then I predict a long nap when I get off work. Probably won't happen, but a girl can hope!

Ok, interesting conversation me and the boyfriend had yesterday. I swore to myself that I would not mention boyfriends in my blog because I don't know how long the relationship will last, but 6 months and this one hasn't ran yet, I take as a good sign.

Anyway, Gabi, get on with it. Well, jealousy. We all have it. Some of us have it less than others, some take it to psychotic levels, some let it take over their relationships and some don't even let it bother them. Now, the question is where does the jealousy come from? Are you jealous of the person's time with your significant other? Are you jealous because you're cheating or doing something you're not supposed to be doing yourself? Are you jealous because you're afraid your significant other will find more in the other person than you?
And then ask yourself who this person is in your lover's life and what do they mean to them. Are they friends? Have they dated? Has anything between them ever happened? Or even almost ever happened?

For me, I was only jealous a few times in my life. Once, my fiance at the time went to work (he was working in a factory) in his nice clothes. He was line leader but I knew that the job was dirty. As always, we would get up in the morning. Every time he would leave the house, he would kiss me and tell me he loves me. This morning, he woke up, got ready and left. No kiss, no "I love you".. Just left. When he came home from work, he was wearing his nice clothes. 3 years with this man and he NEVER did this. All of a sudden, jealousy struck and millions of questions were asked.

The second time was when a boyfriend decided to keep his ex girlfriend in his life because of a dedication to her father and some money owed. We won't talk about this. This man is an idiot, but all I can say is this is where my self-esteem issues started.

Last time is now. This time, I just love him. I'm jealous because I don't want to lose him. I don't want to share him. I don't believe an attractive man and woman (who find each other attractive too) can be friends without one person having feelings of some sort for the other.
 I don't want him to wake up one day and say "this is not where I want to be and you're not who I want to be with." The girl that I am jealous of is someone who would be perfect for him. She's smart, she's funny, she's pretty, she's got the same culture (I do as well, but I'm more Americanized), same way of thinking, they share so many interests, they have a history. She's a better pick. Comparing myself and her, I don't see the benefits of him dating me. And I know this, because I am blunt honest with myself and those around me. I don't put myself down. I see the reality of things. Although we are our own worst critics, much of what we criticize is true.

So anyway..jealousy? The question is not how to understand it. The question is how to get rid of it!?

What they don't know, won't hurt you??

Hello my dear readers!

Recently, I learned that people actually read my blog and I was very excited about it. I figured some of my close friends did, but I didn't know my FB friends were enjoying my semantics being written down as well. :) I really appreciate it guys.

So, my blog inspired a talk with a friend the other day. We were talking about life, drama and what we're willing to deal with in life, in relationships, friendships and also in this God forsaken town.
Let me back up a little bit and tell you about the town I live in. It's a small town (about 60,000) so you see the same people downtown, in Wal-Mart, at coffee shops, etc.
Let me back up a bit further. I am also Bosnian, so I run in the Bosnian community as well. We are a very nosy people and I say this with very little humor. I mean, I can guarantee you every Bosnian mother looks out the window when a car parks in the neighbor's driveway, or when she hears someone walking or talking outside. And this is just the cute stuff they do. This is not mentioning the horror of all the gossip we exhume out of our mouths.So moving forward now; small town, nosy people, gossip. Put those things together and you know the reason why I have nightmares at night.

Ok, so I have a lot of daily occurrences where people are in my business. Here are some of those lovely questions and/or statements:
-Do you have a boyfriend?
-When are you getting married?
-You would look so adorable with a baby. How come you don't have one? Do you hate kids?
-He has how many kids?? With how many women??
-How serious are you? I mean you're not even serious enough to post it on Facebook? People will hit on you both and "friend you" both because you're single.
-You still go out?? And drink? Don't you have a boyfriend?

Here are my answers:
-Yes
-Never. Maybe not even then. Regardless how I feel about marriage, I'm so tired of this question.
-Adorable is exactly what I want to look like with a baby. I'm thinking broke, needy, dramatic, insomniac, would be some good adjectives too that would go with it. No, I don't hate kids.
-Two and two. My business whether I deal with it or not.
-Hmm, tough question. Serious enough to love each other. Not serious enough for anything else and not stupid enough to rush into things. And Facebook is NOT REAL LIFE. But yeah this does happen.
-Yes. I'm not old, married OR dead. Yes, if I didn't drink, you'd be dead. Yes, anyone who is with me who cannot understand I like to go out sometimes with my friends does not need to be with me.

Now, you gotta understand that these people are not just in your business trying to find out things going on in your life. They are also creating your business for you. When you don't have enough juicy details in your life because you aren't a whore, you lead a normal life, and you haven't been to jail- they create those details for you. For example, I myself have never been a really loose girl. Yes, I have had sex (insert gasp here). Many times. Am I honest about my number? Sure as hell am. Do I have anything to hide? Nope. The worst thing you can possibly find out about me and my life is that I dated an older guy. Way older. Ancient and a ginger. Long story, big mistake. I have no skeletons in my closet. Mine are on the tree outside, hanging.

Look, I love my people. I'm proud to be Bosnian, but these gossips have to stop. I'm tough, I'm independent, I don't need anyone but damn it's nice to have a relationship and I do have feelings which can be hurt. We, as a couple, have enough drama in our lives to deal with. We don't need the rumors or constant probing questions making our relationship harder. It's hard enough. Things are supposed to be easy, damn it.
Things like these are what makes me want to run away from here and never look back. One day, I might.

So now my question of the day: Is it easier being out in the open about everything like I always have been, or should I just hide that part of my life? I've got my own thoughts about it for now. I would like other opinions.


Toodles!

Life happens

Hiya!

I started this blog as a Block II student (if you don't remember what that is, it's ok. It's a set of three classes that we [elementary education majors] had to take. They lasted from 8am-3pm and you spent 10 days in the classroom observing as well as teaching 2 lessons during the semester). When I started this blog, I knew I was going to Spain during student teaching and I needed a way to remember my memories and things I did there. I continued the blog through student teaching, through Spain as well as after I graduated (May, 2012). Here we are 7 months later and almost into the New 2013 Year and I am updating you guys on my life, my job, my love scene, my weight loss among other things.

And while I am talking about updating, I know I did it yesterday but I'm doing it again today.
Life- so far so good. It certainly has its ups and downs, but I am managing better than I ever have done before.
Job- job is still paying the bills, but I really miss being in the classroom so today I am creating my resume and taking control.
Love- dating someone, who knows where it will go. Time will tell.
Health- (this is a new update) I have started my ACE (Appetite Control Energy) pills today. My friend was taking them for 3 months, not working out and has lost 17 lbs. I've lost 10 lbs since August, but I have hit a plateau. I would like to lower my calorie intake but even with the 1600 cals I'm eating now, I'm sometimes hungry, so I need something to suppress that hunger and not affect my carb intake since I'm lower carbing it. For the ones who are health nuts, you will understand this. For the ones who aren't, here is short version. "I want to eat less than I have been, without eating bread to fill me up."
I told my coworkers about these pills and I got a compliment. Lejla said "Where in the heck are you still trying to lose weight?" Then she looked at me like I needed to eat a good steak. LOL!

I usually have lots of life things on my mind so I will not bore you with my weight loss with this blog.
Here is a question of the day: When do you know a relationship is serious? Everyone says things start getting serious when he leaves stuff at your place, or vice versa. Some say it's not technically serious until you move in with each other and that step makes it officially serious. How much time needs to pass before you think "Does this have a future?" Is there a time limit? For example, 6 months and you're serious automatically? This has been an age old question in every woman's mind and it's not like the men are going to announce it one day "Honey, from now on, we are a serious thing." Wishful thinking!

Watching "How I met your mother", I get a lot of my ideas for questions because it sparks up questions in my life. The show is really cute, and most of the things in it are very realistic and true. So, to the ones who are reading this, you can always comment me and help me answer my questions. :)

Til next time, toodles.

Another day, another feeling

Oh my. I feel like I haven't blogged in forever, then I got on here to check and what do you know? A month and a half gone and I haven't written anything. You know, I have 10 followers, many people probably do not even read it but I do it because it makes me feel better. I get it off my chest and move on with my day.

A quick update before I go off on my thinking.
Life- About the same
Work- Still working for the same company
Love- Dating someone

I wrote a status yesterday because I was overwhelmed with feelings and stuff. "When you love someone, you accept that person for who they are and not what you want them to be. If they have a lot of baggage, you stand by their side and help them unpack it, rather than add to it."

So, now that I have sat down and re-read my status, I have thoughts about it, as well as questions. How much are we willing to unpack of other's baggage without expecting something to give? Do we stay if the person has more baggage than us and you have to deal with more things in their past than they do? I joke around with my friends and often tell them "it's easier for me to date a virgin". This is obviously a joke, but sometimes I wonder. Are even the virgin nowadays full of their own crap from the past? The only time someone significant in my life has had to deal with my exes or anything from them, was if the ex was brought into my life by me. I have done this before and I am not ashamed to admit my wrongs.
Is it possible to date someone who is divorced, has kids and/or has psycho exes that are ruling in his daily life? Can things be overlooked just because you love this person and want a life with them? If these things directly affect you through him, does that make this your problem as well?

There are so many questions in the world and not enough answers for me. Many of the reasons I ask these questions is because I am unsure of how to deal with my own emotions and reactions to someone else's past. My mother and my father are divorced. My mother remarried, my father did not. My mother had another child with the man she married. My father had no kids other than the ones with my mother. Once they were divorced, they barely spoke other than "It's your weekend with the kids" and "When are you picking them up". My mother never meddled into my father's relationship even though they had kids and my father never did either (although he did badmouth a lot). Is that not possible anymore? The kind of respect someone needs to have towards a third-party who has nothing to do with you or your kid- is that nonexistent?

I have dated many people with kids and baby mama drama, ex wives, psycho exes, etc. I was able to deal with things then. I have also recently dated someone with no ex wives, psycho exes or kids, and the freedom was amazing. Am I just too old for the empathy to be able to go through this again or is it that I am more mature and have started demanding some consideration towards myself?

I guess what I'm trying to ask: If you love someone, just how far are you willing to go for that person when they really don't have to move mountains to love you?

I'm eating my feelings

Hello dear bloggers,

I really am random lately in the aspect of love, friendship and just generality of life. I've been thinking a lot lately, mainly because I've been a roller-coaster of emotions for the past year. I've come to some conclusions about myself that I really didn't have before and I'm happy about that. Eventually these conclusions are going to help me become the woman that I want to be, not the woman everyone else wants me to be. In order to share my findings with everyone, I have to tell you where I come from.

I was born in a big city called Banja Luka in Bosnia. Such a beautiful place, and it has grown so much. I haven't seen it since war times and it won't be easy to go back, but I promised myself that I would.
I was a war child. I've seen and heard things that a child my age shouldn't have had to, but as humans we endure and we move on. (at least we're supposed to).
I'm also a woman with middle child syndrome, I'm the black sheep of the family and I come from a broken home. Middle child syndrome just means that I didn't have enough attention growing up. See, I said ENOUGH..I did have some. My mother loves me and so does my father, but at times they thought the battles that they had in the living room were unseen by their children. They weren't. Same goes for battles with my step-dad. They weren't either.
Middle child syndrome also makes me feel like I'm not good enough. I didn't feel as good enough as my siblings did, and I carry that still on through life. I've managed to get ahold of it, but it peeks out whenever I get into relationships or close friendships.
Being a black sheep isn't so bad. Sometimes it gets lonely and I would like to fit it, but then again I am me and I like myself.
Coming from a broken home, my relationships suffer. I don't trust very easily, if at all. I don't allow myself to get close to many people because of that. The people that I let into my life are very few and far in between. By writing this, I am in no position to ask for pity nor do I want to receive it. I've dealt with some of these emotions for years and they are very hard to overlook sometimes. Pitying me will just make me mad and will boot you out of my life quickly. Because I've had to endure what I've been through, it has made me stronger so I don't need anyone's pity by any means. With strength comes a price. Sometimes I'm strong and I hide behind a great wall.
Now with all this being said, my family doesn't really talk to each other. Oh we have great conversations but opening up about feelings and how we see things, the conversation is shut down in a matter of minutes. Maybe it's a European thing, maybe it's just my family thing; I don't really know but growing up, I didn't talk about how I felt. I didn't talk about my feelings. I'd just throw a fit and get over it eventually.

As a grown woman, I learned the more you keep things inside, the more they eat you alive. You become bitter, you become hateful, you become a darker, gloomier side of your former self. Sometimes people will forgive you for the things you do or say, and sometimes they will walk away. They will attempt to understand you, talk to you and comfort you, but eventually the baggage you carry, you will have to unpack yourself.

Which brings me to my baggage and my findings. Trust. Love. Relationships. Family. Marriage.

Trust- I don't trust and when I do, I do it fully. If you betray my trust, I will give you chances to fix it as long as you know that you stand on thinner ground every time you lie. Sometimes I give too many and I don't know when to walk away, but I will do it eventually.

Love- I'm a friggin' retard when it comes to love. My best friend says my love is huge. She's always told me I love too much and too hard. I guess I never really believed her. And I never really thought what I had to offer someone could possibly be enough for them.

Relationships- All my friends are getting married. I'm 26 and drunk. Why doesn't this aspect of my life FUNCTION!? Honestly? I haven't allowed it to. You know years ago, my best friend (again she is referenced here a lot cause she's like Yoda) told me that I always get into a relationship with one foot out of the door. This is true. I get into a relationship and I am enjoying myself. We're getting along, we may have some disagreements and then we fix things. As soon as feelings start getting deeper, I look for faults, I start arguments, I do random things (sometimes subconsciously) to let that person down. They walk away. End of story. End of relationship. Who suffers here really? I mean who will stay together with me and try to understand that this is what I've done for years and that I want and need to change, but it will take time? Who the hell is going to put up with this? Well considering I'm single, no one.

Family- Oy! I love my family, don't get me wrong but talking to them about my feelings makes me sound bipolar, manic depressive and they just don't believe in that. Therefore, I just keep to myself and talk to a few people close to me (not a lot of them left). My family is very loving and while I don't blame them (anymore), they still have a few influences in my life. For example, my biggest influence is my mother. She is too good of a person to be stuck in a marriage where the man she loves is an idiot. He may love her, but he cannot respect her and her children like they need to be. He sucks the life out of her and every day she stays with him, is one day too long. Don't get me wrong. My mother is a dutiful woman. This is what she is supposed to do, but shouldn't happiness be part of the deal? I am scared to death every day that she will worry and work herself sick.
My father is another influence in my life, but he hasn't been directly in it for years. We've only lived together 2 years of the life I can remember. Those were the best years of my life. I felt like I had a family. My father understands my semantics, but he is not here to be able to give me advice, discipline me, tell me what to do. I have a father figure in my life. It's more of a tear-me-down relationship than build-me-up. My step-dad has been in my life most of the 26 years I've been alive. He is not the most supportive person in the world. He's done a lot of damage to my self-esteem, my confidence and my ability to love and be loved. I used to blame him for a lot. I still have some grudges left that I have to work out on my own, but in time.
My sisters and brothers are amazing people. They have their heads on straight and they are making their life shine to the fullest. I envy all of them (even my 15 year old sister). They inspire me to be better and do better in life. I just wish I knew their secrets.

Marriage- The word itself freaks me out. ONE person for the rest of your life. Trusting that person not to hurt you, not to hold your feelings against you, not to lie to you, not to cheat on you. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, sharing..It makes me wanna scream. Now, nowhere here did you hear me say I don't WANT it. I do, but seriously? Will I be enough for him? Will he be enough for me? Did he choose me because he thinks I'm that special someone for him, or am I just good enough?

My findings- I've learned people want someone who is already built up, confident and strong. Men want a woman who can cook, not someone who needs to learn. They want one who is confident, not working on it. They want strength, not someone who cries at a dog food commercial (shut up lol). Women expect the same things. They don't want to have to fix a man. They don't want to have to deal with their baggage and all the drama that comes with it. I've fixed people my whole life. I've worked on their confidence, I've helped them get through problems and through helping them I thought I was growing as a person in that friendship or relationship. I wasn't. I just learned I like to take care of people. But when it comes down to it, I need someone to help me do what I helped them do. I need someone who won't put up with my crap, but love me enough to tell me instead. I want someone who will call me on my wrongs, but with constructive criticism not put-downs. I want someone who will respect me, be on time, remember dates, take control, accept me for who I am, be able to be my best friend (although Casey, my bff, will fight you for it) among many other things.

Look, I am not an easy person to get along with. I don't even know what tomorrow will bring for me and I am afraid of everything I do and say. I didn't use to be like this. This is years of hurt, lies, cheating, selfishness from significant others, and abuse in the making. This is not an overnight thing. So, my change will not be an overnight thing either.

Support me, stand next to me, tell me you can do this journey with me, hold my hand and make me feel safe...or walk away, don't try but never look back.

This is me.