Sometimes it's the little things

So, I've been going crazy with all the stuff that has been going on in my life. The break up, the getting back together, finding out he was talking to a couple of someone else's while I begged for another chance, I mean, he claimed he planned on marrying me. Although, I think this was just something to say to get me back, it worked. Feeling like I was cheated on, lied to, like my life and all my plans were literally taken from underneath my feet, my heart re-breaking into a million tiny pieces (good luck to the next one is all I have to say; he will have to cement that shit back on).

I spoke to a couple of good friends of mine last night. Actually, the irony is I spoke to the two that he hated so much and thought they posed a threat, but yet they stood up for him in some ways. The thing is, the threat was really in him. He was afraid of a lot of things. Even his own shadow when it came to love. He was so afraid I would hurt him that he ended up hurting me. I am no angel. I did have a huge part in this, but I would never do things intentionally (i.e. I did my bullshit when we were broken up. He did his when we were together.) Anyways, I came to the conclusion that I wasn't the person he fell in love with. He is looking for something else, someone else and I never came close to being good enough.

Moving on to the conversations. My friends want to see me happy. Regardless. It can be with him, or anyone else. They support me. They both asked me the same questions. "Do you love him?" and then gave me a speech on how to fix it if I do. At first their reaction to their friend being hurt is "fuck that asshole, you can do better" but when that friend is crying and broken, they want to see her happy again. And the other question was "how am I?" Of course, when you ask a brokenhearted girl "how is she", her reaction is quite simple.

Tears pouring out in clumps, her make up running, her hair stuck to the side of her wet face and snot bubbles coming out of her nose. Ladies and gents, it is NOT a pretty sight. I won't give you the details of the conversations because I'm apparently out of my mind crazy for ever thinking I could have gotten this one right. I'll just give you the basic gist of it. It takes a really strong person to love someone who is already broken. The thing is, I knew I was. I knew I had issues and that my issues will only be resolved with someone patient, caring and kind enough to deal with my high-tech bullshit. He was more of the "you hurt me so I hurt you back" type. I rarely got an "I'm sorry" and we never communicated about anything other than pointing fingers. All I ever got were "I'm sorry but.." There was only one time I believed he was truly sorry, and even that was taken away from me.

The thing I heard from both of my friends was to just live. It's not okay now, but it will be later. To not let this pain stop me from loving again, from living, from being consumed by life and all the little, beautiful things it has to offer. To guard myself against people but not so much that when someone amazing comes around and wants to give me the world, that I run. One thing I will never let happen again; I will never let anyone lie to me again. I've lied a couple of times and I regret it. Once to him; It only hurts more. Being lied to about everything? Where he's at, who he's with, who he talked to, even the little tiniest things like time..that builds on disappointment after disappointment until it explodes.

Anyways, I write this and it seems to you like I'm doing fine. Let me just make it clear that I am in no way okay. BUT maybe this is the first step in healing is being able to let it out. And since I can't let it out to the one who hurt me, I can to my blog and my poor family and friends. I've cried so much on my mother's shoulder the past weekend, it's amazing she still has one. I've been angry, I've been disappointed, I've felt betrayed. I spent a few nights drinking and drugging myself stupid with my friends. The healing process continues, I guess. I don't want to know what tomorrow will be like. I want life to surprise me.