Kick off Anti-Valentine's with 14 ?s

1. Something you're currently worried about? Not worried as much as annoyed by this stupid pinched nerve that I'm suffering from as a cosmic fuck you from karma because I did something naughty. That's a story for another time in another life.

2. Your opinion on cheating on people? Okay well. I have been on both sides of this. I have been cheated on and I have cheated on, and I have been the one they cheated with. It all depends on each situation although the act itself can be in many forms. It doesn't only take a sexual act to be considered cheating, in my opinion. Variances of cheating is still cheating. Either way, here's what my opinion is. It's bad. It probably will feel great. Your conscience, if you have one, will show you whose bitch you are. And if you are a good, decent or even semi okay in that you-don't-want-to-kill-anyone human , you will feel like shit. So don't feel like shit. If you're in a situation that isn't making you happy, bail. Don't cheat.
BUT here is my example...when I cheated, me and bf were already on the ends and the guy and I had a short term relationship while the bf and I were broken up and a few weeks of us getting back together. I justified it in my head, tried to improve my relationship, didn't work and moved on.  When I was cheated on, that was the most horrific pain I ever felt. He did it with his ex, made me think I was crazy and then told me over a text message while right upstairs in our apartment. How's that for brutal? When I was the one they cheated with, I was single. They pursued me. We pursued each other. It was magical and I forever would have wished he be mine until I learned he was a pure creep. It was one time. 

3. A date you recently went on? To a comedy club. Joey Diaz was there performing. We drank, we smoked, we laughed the whole night. We kissed, many times. We looked into each other's eyes. We just enjoyed each other's company. And I drove away.

4. 5 ways to win your heart? Do something spontaneous. Make my black heart smile. Bring me coffee. Bring me food. Make me try something new.

5. A picture of yourself? 

6. Your current relationship; or if single, discuss how single life is? Single. I get as much attention as a white crayon. I also get touched as much as a Christmas sweater. Life is great. It's just great. I'm great.

7. Somewhere you'd like to visit? Bora Bora.

8. Your favorite song? Nothing else matters by Metallica. November Rain by Guns N Roses, Hotel California by Eagles.

9. Your 5 senses right now? Hear- Grace and Frankie on Netlix Smell- Cigarette smoke Feel- Stitch licking me See- my hands on the keyboard Taste- Cookie Dough minis

10. What do you collect? Pens. Scars. Issues.

11. Why do you blog? Vent. Ideas. Dreams. Inspire. Make people laugh or smile.

12. A photo of your favorite place to eat? 13. Describe your day? Went in to work later, worked even later, came home and started blogging while I still had the motivation.

14. Who is your spirit animal? Snoop Dogg. And his supply of cannabis.

As it pertains now

My dear bloggers, It's been a while since I have written mainly because I feel like I have nothing to say. I work, I come home to eat and sleep, play with my dog and repeat. Every chance in which I get to change my reality, I take it. Sometimes I go to a girlfriend's house, have wine and gripe about my daily life. Mainly, I stay home, and enjoy visits from my friends and some family. 

 I have much to say lately but unknown to my conscious mind how to put all that into words, so until my heart can allow me to speak again, then my fingers will do their magic. Until then I just leave you with a few songs..

hello skeletons

For the past couple more like a few years, I have been silent. Silent and waiting patiently for things to get better. Crying a little, fighting a little, drinking a little, meeting and losing friends, getting my heart broken (a few times)..Years passed..I lost myself in many little pieces in many different directions. I thought maybe people could make it better. A new friendship. A new perspective. Maybe a new relationship would make my heart feel better or my life worth living. One day in summer of last year, I fell in love with a man. I poured myself into a long distance relationship and forgot, yet again, what it's like to love me, care about me, respect me, take care of me, my needs and my existence because there is not one soul who will. I traveled there and took a month long vacation, if vacation could really be the word for it. It was more like cramming a part of a life story into a month's worth of visit while you're in the mother countries with your family and the new guy while you're having a month long anxiety attack. It wasn't successful and it just took a while to crash and burn. How does one explain being in love and not being able to allow the one person who loves you love you? Oh..yeah..depression. At the time that's how it started..

Vacation left me on thin ice in relationship, family life, friendship and then my career starter to do a downward spiral. Not to mention home life wasn't and isn't necessarily in order either. So what happens to your mind frame when every aspect of your life feels like it's fallen down the rabbit hole? It goes into survival mode. It shuts off. It starts shutting off things like problem solving, information processing, patience, sleep, and people as well as many others in order for you to function as a person minimally. It starts turning on only for moments of major adulting I call work, needs, drive, repeat. Eat sometimes is part of it, but often I am too exhausted or so busy at work that I cannot function. I came back from my vacation in Croatia after a month to find that no one has done anything in my office in my job position which set me back. I am constantly trying to be the best employee because that is my responsibility, but I constantly am feeling alone in that. Anyway, long story short the job position in the company I am currently in is making my life so crazy that I have developed some really bad anxiety and have been a hermit from the everyday life. I already suffer from depression (if you're crazy and you know it- shake your meds). It has taken such possession of me and my life. I worry constantly that I am not good enough and then I think back on stuff that I have done to make me a better safety manager, make me a better coworker; hell..make me a better person. 

I've tried. And kept trying. And will keep trying to fight. In life. Work. Friends. In myself, because for the first time in life I am in a crisis. I am in need and I need some major R&R. I have to keep fighting and looking for the little things in a day to feel okay, because if I don't that will be the end of me. There are only a few people in my life that know how I feel. How I truly feel on a daily basis living with very high anxiety and very deep depression, among everything around me lookin' just a little crazy. I'm as mad as the hatter and as lost as Alice.

Life, love and everything in between

Hello my dear readers, it's been ages and I apologize. Since I wrote last, I visited the mother countries and looked for international job opportunities, as well as educated myself on the economic situations in those countries for my own personal growth. My current job could be a career path if my boss decides to join the 21st century technology driven world. That would make my life so much easier; I wouldn't have to look for another job. But as you all know, this is me and why would I have anything easy in life when it's always been ass backwards and hectic? Murphy's Law, damn you. But enough about the boring stuff. 

While I was in Europe, I found out a lot about myself through conversations with my family and my experiences there. To be honest, I didn't change much from the way I was when I was little. I am still the mouthy girl with the attitude and a smile on her face...just more mature. I love listening to stories about me as a child; it fills me with such joy to know that once upon a time, I was a happy child. Not to say I'm not a happy adult, but adulthood hasn't always been bright and shiny. I've gone through a lot in my life which has made me stronger, but left me broken. 

Also, I went to Europe to be with my boyfriend and introduce him to the family!!! I shall brag about him in a separate post; FH (Future Husband) likes his privacy and I don't blame him. He even met my dad and is still alive and in one piece, so I am assuming that dad is okay with my choice. Watching the two most important men in my life chit chat, laugh and tell jokes has mended my heart on so many levels. I could have watched them interact all day. At times, I did. Oh, and I turned 30 while I was there so I guess I cannot call my blog "rants of a single twenty-something.." No longer single and no longer twenty. I guess now it's time for a blog make-over! And possibly a new name. I need ideas..Anyone?

"I stop to smell the roses and take pictures of sunrises and sunsets.

I listen more and talk less.

I take more breaths and think before I speak.

I aim to learn something new at least once a day.

I have more patience.

I am not selfless by any means, but do practice holding back a lot of my selfish tendencies.

I've realized it's not just about me anymore. It's about an us.

Love really works miracles for a person."

Answers

1. Do you find you attract a man's attention or curiosity with or without your glasses? I get more compliments on the glasses but that's because of the whole "hot for teacher" thing. I was an elementary education major, future teacher. Once they find that out and add the glasses, I'm totally doable. 2. Preference: Heels/Flats, Sneakers/Running shoes, Flip flops/boots/sandals or barefoot? I prefer flats, sneakers and flip flops but when I am trying to look pretty I like sandals and heels. For winter, I always prefer boots over any other type of shoe. In all honestly, shoes are my thing. While I love being barefoot around the house and would prefer going everywhere barefoot, I have a shoe addiction. 3. What's your biggest pet peeve in life? Liars and ignorance. 4. What do you fear most? Besides heights I fear losing my family the most. I fear being alone and not ever finding my purpose in life, and always walking around with this wanderlust but never doing anything about it. 5. What's the most emotionally deep experience you've ever been through? Anytime I have lost a loved one, I've lost a part of me. I've lost 3 family members in death so far and it was the hardest thing I had to go through. I've also lost friends, but at this point I'm just numb to that anyway. I wish I could tell you that the war changed me, made me into the woman I am today but honestly I was young and most of those memories are blocked off in some compartment of my brain. 
6. Have you ever been in love? I do believe I was in love twice. The first time it was to my ex-fiance and everyone knows him just because he has recently come back to my life as a lifelong friend. The second time, I wish to not ever mention his name or see his face again. Not because I hate him, but because I can't.
7. How do you feel about being single? I'm really okay with it. I get my freedom. I get to see my friends and I do what I want. The only thing I do miss is having that partner in life. Someone to talk to about problems, someone to cuddle and wake up to and someone to share the good in life with.
So far these are the questions that I've gotten from you guys. If you want to ask me more, just write me, text me, facebook me..etc.