I'm a woman, hear me roar!

No, this isn't some feminist blog post where I growl at men-owned businesses, demand higher pay or stage a protest with a picket sign saying "Housewives are the new slaves"...Although.. never mind. :) That's a whole other post.

Anyways, as a woman I often feel as though I am hushed all the time. We aren't allowed to be sensitive, sincere, kind or gentle anymore. Most of the "womanly" characteristics, predominantly in 2013, have been viewed as weak. Yes, I do understand there are women who cry just as a form of control. No, I don't know what the difference between those horrid creatures and normal women are, so I cannot help you.

I've seen a lot of women hold back tears on several occasions. Some even hold back emotions. They like a guy a lot, but they don't want to seem too crazy, too pushy, too sensitive, too needy. As a side note: Guys, you don't fucking help us feel normal either. Most of you just play games to get what you want. But trust me, we're all big girls. We can all handle the truth. If you want a booty call, say it and then we have two options. Give it up or don't and wait for the next one who wants commitment. If you tell us, then the chance of us developing feelings and being hurt in the long run is slim.

I don't see a need for games. You know which ones I'm talking about.."should I text, or should I wait for him to? Will I seem too pushy if I say I want to see him again tomorrow? Does he want something serious or is this just a fling?" There is one solution for this: ASK. Speak. Open your mouth and let the words come out. You have nothing to lose, but you have your self-respect and esteem to gain. You will feel much better when you know where you stand with someone.

My point is, as women, we are affected by everything. We are emotional creatures, we are the gentler sex, we are the care-takers. Let it happen. Don't cover your tears. Don't bottle up your emotions. Don't hide that chip on your shoulder. Don't be quiet about how you feel in any given moment. Don't let someone take advantage of your tenderness. I mean, after all..what do you have to lose? Either way, they call us crazy. If we're too emotional, then we're crazy. If we're quiet, then we're not social. You can't please everyone but there is one person who depends on your happiness. YOU! Take care of you first.

I'm done

I'm done trusting you. I'm done trying with you. There is no more hope left. You have betrayed me in every aspect of my life and I don't want to build a life with someone who continuously stabs me in the back. I'd rather be alone. I kept coming back, kept attempting to love you like I did. I kept coming back thinking "This time will be different", but every time I came back, more secrets and lies poured out. And I just can't. This is the end of my line. I'm at the end of my rope. My heart has been broken by you so many times and I cannot give it to you anymore. You were supposed to keep it safe. You were supposed to mend the hurt and make sure that you put it back together. I would never do what you have done to me. I have made my mistakes and I have fixed them. You continue to make yours and think I'm going to be okay with it because I love you. It doesn't work that way. You have turned into the most vindictive and spiteful human being I have ever met and this isn't the person I want to be with. I don't need to watch my back around the ones I love the most.

I don't have to name all the fucked up shit you did. I'm hoping you know it. I'm hoping you are halfway a decent human being and you know every single lie you told, every single hurt you brought up on me purposely, every single betrayal, every single untold information. I hope it haunts you. I hope you can't sleep knowing you could have fixed all of it and chose not to. I never wanted my freedom until you became my prison. You became everything I hated about myself and I hope one day, someone "loves" you like you "loved" me.

I need someone who will respect me in EVERY way even when he is mad, hurt by me or upset with me not talk to other girls or lie to me to "pay me back" or hurt me. I need someone to cherish me, be honest with me, be proud of me, show me off, be lovey with me, take care of me, care about me, trust me, consider me in everything he does. I need to be the girl he can't get out of his head, he can't sleep or breathe without. I need to be the girl he would kill or die for. I need to be his one and ONLY.

Thank you for proving to me that I was an idiot for ever trusting a word that has come out of your mouth. You are incapable of love, you are incapable of being a decent human being, you think the world owes you something, you think you're God's gift to women, and you think you are always right. Well, let me teach you something. NO ONE IS RIGHT in love. If you truly love someone, being right will never be more important, lying will never even be an issue, and doing things on purpose to the one you "love" because the person has hurt you somehow would never occur.

I told you once, I want to keep your friendship. Maybe years later we can look back on this and laugh. Maybe I'll never be able to look at you again. Right now, I'm so indifferent. It's almost as if I don't care anymore. This cold has swept over my heart and the only thing I have left is my hatred towards you and your actions. When the one you love the most betrays you, your world falls apart. You should know. Your ex wife did it to you and you sent karma to the wrong girl. I was always the wrong girl.

And another year older

Ok, so I love birthdays.
This year..not so much! I miss my step-dad, I feel lonely, I'm single, I feel humiliated, betrayed, untrustworthy..shitty is the perfect way I feel. 30 is getting closer and I still haven't found my prince charming. I guess this is what a girl has to feel when she is going through a nearing-30 crisis. I wonder what happens at 40?

Know what I'm doing to celebrate my birthday? Getting off work, going home for a quick nap, gym for a couple of hours and then either downing a bottle of wine at the house or going out to the local watering hole alone, maybe with a few friends for a drink to drown my pity party.

So my best friend and I have been chatting through texts for the past two hours and of course, he is just as challenged in relationships as I am. While he is afraid to fall in love, I am not. I welcome it with open arms.
Apparently, I have come to the conclusion that "I'm a great girl, any guy would be lucky to have me, I have the qualities any man would want" BUT NO ONE WANTS TO HAVE! I mean c'mon! I'm honest, I'm loyal, I'm independent, I don't take bullshit, I hate liars, I don't cheat or do any "behind your back" bullshit. The most horrible thing about me? I have male friends who I hardly see or talk to, I'm everyone's friend. I'm sick of being me. I have had every SINGLE EX tell me "you're a great girl. you deserve the best. you're what every man wants," but every single of the ones that have told me that, have done the worst to me. Physically abused me, mentally abused me, cheated on me, lied to me, have been insanely jealous FOR NO REASON, hid things from me, tried to change me, couldn't accept me for me or love me for me, call me names, etc.

What happened to loving someone for THEM? To make them happy, to make them smile because their happiness is ESSENTIAL like air to yours? I guess I'm too old to believe in fairy tales. Only two men in my life lived to see me smile and one of them is my daddy.
So please guys, thank you SO much about letting me know I'm the best you've ever had but treating me the worst you've ever done. I appreciate it, but from now on, love me less.

Anyways, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

P.S. I have two friends who I added online for a game I used to play who NEVER met me and surprised me last night with gift cards for my birthday. Thank you so much to the both of you. You have somewhat restored my faith in humanity and made me cry like a little girl.

P.P.S. My coworkers are awesome. I cried again.

HAJMO BOSNO BOSNO BOSNO HAJMO HERCEGOVINO

Let me tell you about my last weekend. Well, the stuff that I can remember anyway. It was the Bosna and Herzegovina vs. Argentina soccer game in St. Louis and of course, it's against our religion not to go...so there we were on Friday (soccer game is on Monday). Friday we all decide to go out and party. I mean when you have nothing else to do but to mingle with your country-folk and all they do is drink, why not? When in Rome Bosnia, right? There are 4 popular Bosnian bars in St. Louis and that is Skala, Vivid, Code and Club Europe. These became our watering holes for the whole weekend.

Friday- Skala Bar

Saturday- Skala, attempted Code, back to Vivid

Sunday- Vivid and Europe

Monday- Soccer game and Vivid

Tuesday- let's go home!!!

The soccer game is an unbelievable experience. Not because of the game, but because of our people. We are the loudest, the most obnoxious, the most prideful country in the world anyway. Put us in a competition somewhere against others and you will quickly see all of those characteristics come out. There were over 30,300 people at the game with over 30K being Bosnians.

The day of the game we waited in front of the hotel trying to get a picture of the players. I got a picture of my favorite one and a video of all of them together. 

I can die happily now.
No, seriously. It was my dream to see BIH play and now that I have, I can just croak right now.

 For the game I decided to go all out. Face paint!!! I get to paint, act like a dork AND go root for my country??? Hell to the yes. The blue isn't as bright as I wanted it to be, but by the end of the night it was all green anyway. When we got to the game, I freaked out over "jumping seats", but learned you can apparently do that when the stadium isn't sold out. Learn something new every day. At half time we decided to go smoke because even though the stadium is outside, smoking is prohibited. 

Stupid.

We were an amazing opponent in the first half, but in the second half we just started playing like girls. I understand it was a friendly game and it "doesn't count" but mama told me to do my best always.

Grrr!

A little bitter about traveling for them to play like pansies, but I understand. Damn it.

After the game..well..the pictures tell all.

Gym is my boyfriend

The reason I love gym so much is because it's always there. It never disappoints and every day you are closer and closer to your goal. It makes you disciplined, it makes you work for what you want and it makes you own up to your bullshit. It is the best therapy in the world. It relieves your stress, your anger, your drama, amps up your happiness and it's the best sleep aid.

I have to tell myself this every day. I get very impatient because I have been going for almost 3 months and don't see a lot of results whereas my roommate is looking like a DIME! I gotta keep reminding myself that we have different goals and body structures. She keeps me motivated though. Just seeing her body change as much as it has keeps me going and pushing for mine.

Now don't get me wrong. I HATE going to the gym, but once I am there I feel reborn. I absolute hate getting in the car for the ride to the gym. I hate getting on the treadmill with the thought of walking uphill. I hate thinking about how sore I am. I hate how sore I actually am. I hate when I struggle with my weight. I hate not being strong enough to lift what I want to lift. I hate how everyone in my gym looks like they've been there since birth and I look like a beached whale (according to me and the mirrors)....I hate..I hate...but I'm there. Every day. I still go. I don't quit. I may fall down, but I get back up. I suffer my pain because I want the body that I want.



I fall. I stumble. I don't go for a week. I get depressed. I let life get to me. I let the outside affect my inside. I let other people affect how I feel about me. I make mistakes. I am not perfect. I can't is in my vocabulary.

But I don't give up.

I can't afford to give up, because the only person I will fail is myself.

I won't give up. Even if it kills me.