Hopeful or Hopeless?

Hello dear bloggers,

I recently asked a few people what they think romance is and I have yet to receive a full, honest answer from anyone. I even Googled it because everyone knows that Google is all-knowing. 

Of course, the opinions of men and women have been distant and different since the beginning of time. The few answers which I did receive generally stated the same things.

-Romance is in the men's relationship job description

-Romance is that little extra

-Romance is the way to show love

-Romance is necessary in any relationship in order for it to survive

Google says in its best dictionary terms "Romance as a noun is a feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love."

I, personally, just want to know what happened to today's society and today's generation of young men and women in love. I would love to go back to the 1950-60's and live there because chivalry wasn't dead, love was shouted from the rooftops in way of a song and couples defined their relationships as serious, not just "waiting to see what happens."

I refuse to believe romance and romantic love are dead. I still believe that true love exists. I still believe in getting butterflies when a man touches you. I still believe people can change.
 Is this something that can be done easily? No. Men and women today are emotional retards. They've been hurt, cheated on, stabbed through the heart and disappointed. Everyone has a wall with barbed wire around their hearts.

But once you find someone who is willing to deal with 100% of your baggage, who is willing to love you and accept you as you are, do everything in your power to be what that person needs from you. They may need to hear "I love you" more than once a day. They may need to feel wanted and cared for. They may need to feel taken care of.  They may need you to learn how to do things you haven't done before.
"Remember, insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result"

If you're closed off with all the females or males in your life and then you wonder "What happened" when it's over, sometimes you need to re-evaluate yourself and your behaviors and think "What can I do differently?"
Learn new things. That's what LOVE is all about.

Everyone has been hurt; stop using those things as an excuse for being an asshole or a jerk. Excuses are just sentences we use not to do the things we're really afraid of. And what is everyone really afraid of? The absolute same thing. Getting their heart broken again. This may happen, but are you willing to say YOU lost the person because YOU were afraid to love them like they needed? You were afraid to learn what they needed?

I am the number one person afraid of love. I am the one that is always caught running for the hills, hiding their feelings. Closing off. Not anymore. I know what I need and want, and I will keep searching until I find it.

Unfu%#ingbelievable

My dear bloggers,

This morning I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. This morning I woke up with only a few hours of sleep. This morning I woke up with different feelings of sadness, hurt, anger and betrayal.

I will be very grateful if I make it through the day without getting fitted for a nice orange jumpsuit.

Here is my problem. Why do people just not get me? I am not saying I am an angel or that I am some kind of prize, but I am an overall nice person. I'm caring, loving, trustworthy, I don't lie, cheat or steal. I'm honest and sometimes too much. When I'm in love, I'm like a fat kid in a candy store. I love my best friends and would go to the end of the Earth for them. My family means everything to me. I mind my business. I don't make up stories about people. I pay my taxes. I vote. 

WHAT THE HELL IS SO COMPLICATED TO UNDERSTAND?

Apparently this is how I am viewed. Whatever I say, I don't mean it how I say it. There is always an underlying meaning to my words. When I'm sweet, it must be because I am guilty of something or have done something that I should be ashamed of. When I am hurt or crying, I just need to be left alone to deal with it because I shouldn't even be sad or hurt in the first place. I don't deserve to have someone love me so much that they can't stand it because that is "unrealistic"- true love is only for fairy tales?

LIKE WHAT THE FUCK IS IT? Not sorry about letting the F-bomb out of the bag. I do it on a regular basis in real life. I figured this blog should only be the replica of the real me.

Do I have a DUMB ASS sticker on my forehead with the instructions "Please come into my life, make me love you, then fuck it up somehow so that the jist of the conversation with other people is that I fucked up things and you can be clear. Please be another fucking person that walks out of my life like everyone else has."

Does no one fight for what and who they love anymore??

There is a part of me that really wants to tell people to "go fly a metal kite in a thunderstorm" and there is another part of me that feels the need to prove itself. To prove to people that I say what I mean and I mean what I say. To prove to them that my intentions in life for anyone are ALWAYS the best intentions.

I am tired of being misunderstood. I am tired of feeling like there is something wrong with me. I am tired of feeling like the only one that is trying anymore.

I'm tired of giving 100%.

Woah, one whole year later

This exact time last year, I was getting in the car with my step dad and heading to Nashville, TN to the airport. I was getting ready to fly to Barcelona, Spain with my classmates to begin my study abroad student teaching experiences. A million thoughts were running through my head. I was nervous, I was excited, I was homesick and cried a little- I'm not gonna lie.

I sit here a year later and am a little saddened. My step-dad passed away almost a month ago. I am not in my selected career. I chose to come back to the United States when I should've, could've, would have stayed there. All of these "regrets" going through my head, but I smile when I think of this day last year. 

On this day, my step dad was alive and well. On this day, I was getting ready to embark on the biggest trip of my life. On this day, I grew up. On this day, I became a woman. On this day, I felt alive.

My first step on Spain soil and I had the biggest smile on my face. The month spent there made me grow up, made me change, made me appreciate all the good and bad in my life. It also terrified me and it made me question my life.

What I wouldn't do to go back to Spain? I would give my firstborn. Kidding..No, seriously.

Life right now

Honestly, dear bloggers, I don't really know what to tell you. The life as I know it, is gone. There is something new being created and I am not exactly sure I am going to like this Gabi. Or this life change. I feel better alone most of the time, which is totally not me. The only people I converse with on a daily basis is my boyfriend, often my mom and Casey sometimes. Poor Casey. She doesn't even know what to say to me anymore and to tell you the truth, I don't know what to tell people. 

"Pardon me while my life has fallen apart, but oh please, tell me your many problems?" I can't do that anymore. I need to get back to myself, which will take me a while forever. 

Pull me out, help me, cheer me up, buy me chocolate, but please, oh please, don't drown me in negativity. I am so tired of it.

Anyway, I was browsing through some blogs while I had some time and found this amazing ONE! This woman is my soul mate. I swear. 

For forever 27 years, I have secretly been worried about how people see me, what they're going to say about me, how much I cuss, how I cannot cook, etc. Many more problems and issues. So, I haven't really cussed on this blog. First, this blog was intended for just school use only while I was student teaching, but then it turned into my life therapy. The woman and her blog I mentioned above, inspire me to be me. Whoever that girl is; I'm still figuring her out. I'm pretty sure she's really nice and crazy. Almost positive.

Worst fears have come alive

 After a year of battling cancer, after the clean CT scan, after the cancer came back and after all of the hope and prayers, I'm sad to say my step-dad passed away March 15th at 8:30am.
The whole funeral was taken care of by Johnson-Vaughn-Phelps and it was absolutely beautiful. Since we have come here from another country, no one knew how to even begin taking care of his funeral. They lead my mother and brother through picking out everything and were sympathetic if we didn't understand something. The mass was performed by Father Josh from St. Joseph Catholic Church on March 19th and then burial was at St. Joseph Catholic Church cemetery. The visitation went well. Many friends came and visited, and I am sorry but I don't remember who all was there but thank you. Some who couldn't make it to the visitation, came to the church and thank you as well. Some just came to the burial site and thank you as well. I cannot remember how many faces wished me condolences, cried with me, cared for me, drank coffee with me or comforted me, but thank you all!

My favorite picture of my step-dad and mom..even though he was sick back then, he wanted to take a graduation picture with me.

I have no words to describe how I'm feeling at this moment. The sadness has been placed on pause in order to make sure my family is OK. My time will come. Until then I am a walking zombie. Don't ask me about life, don't ask if I'm "OK", and don't treat me like I'm going to break if you touch me. Life in the world continues even though the life inside you comes to a screeching halt. We must keep moving.


Please don't think this is morbid, but these are the last pictures I have left of him..