As it pertains now

My dear bloggers, It's been a while since I have written mainly because I feel like I have nothing to say. I work, I come home to eat and sleep, play with my dog and repeat. Every chance in which I get to change my reality, I take it. Sometimes I go to a girlfriend's house, have wine and gripe about my daily life. Mainly, I stay home, and enjoy visits from my friends and some family. 

 I have much to say lately but unknown to my conscious mind how to put all that into words, so until my heart can allow me to speak again, then my fingers will do their magic. Until then I just leave you with a few songs..

hello skeletons

For the past couple more like a few years, I have been silent. Silent and waiting patiently for things to get better. Crying a little, fighting a little, drinking a little, meeting and losing friends, getting my heart broken (a few times)..Years passed..I lost myself in many little pieces in many different directions. I thought maybe people could make it better. A new friendship. A new perspective. Maybe a new relationship would make my heart feel better or my life worth living. One day in summer of last year, I fell in love with a man. I poured myself into a long distance relationship and forgot, yet again, what it's like to love me, care about me, respect me, take care of me, my needs and my existence because there is not one soul who will. I traveled there and took a month long vacation, if vacation could really be the word for it. It was more like cramming a part of a life story into a month's worth of visit while you're in the mother countries with your family and the new guy while you're having a month long anxiety attack. It wasn't successful and it just took a while to crash and burn. How does one explain being in love and not being able to allow the one person who loves you love you? Oh..yeah..depression. At the time that's how it started..

Vacation left me on thin ice in relationship, family life, friendship and then my career starter to do a downward spiral. Not to mention home life wasn't and isn't necessarily in order either. So what happens to your mind frame when every aspect of your life feels like it's fallen down the rabbit hole? It goes into survival mode. It shuts off. It starts shutting off things like problem solving, information processing, patience, sleep, and people as well as many others in order for you to function as a person minimally. It starts turning on only for moments of major adulting I call work, needs, drive, repeat. Eat sometimes is part of it, but often I am too exhausted or so busy at work that I cannot function. I came back from my vacation in Croatia after a month to find that no one has done anything in my office in my job position which set me back. I am constantly trying to be the best employee because that is my responsibility, but I constantly am feeling alone in that. Anyway, long story short the job position in the company I am currently in is making my life so crazy that I have developed some really bad anxiety and have been a hermit from the everyday life. I already suffer from depression (if you're crazy and you know it- shake your meds). It has taken such possession of me and my life. I worry constantly that I am not good enough and then I think back on stuff that I have done to make me a better safety manager, make me a better coworker; hell..make me a better person. 

I've tried. And kept trying. And will keep trying to fight. In life. Work. Friends. In myself, because for the first time in life I am in a crisis. I am in need and I need some major R&R. I have to keep fighting and looking for the little things in a day to feel okay, because if I don't that will be the end of me. There are only a few people in my life that know how I feel. How I truly feel on a daily basis living with very high anxiety and very deep depression, among everything around me lookin' just a little crazy. I'm as mad as the hatter and as lost as Alice.