Move over, fat ass

Okay, so most of you know I have been losing weight since last year and the last time I blogged anything healthy was that I was 138or9 lbs.

Well, today I come to you weighing at a whopping 150lbs and UNHAPPY! I have gained most of my weight back and it's a little discouraging. I have been going to the gym as frequently as I can, which used to be every day and now I'm good if I can get a couple of days in. Many people are saying I am just building muscle and it weighs more than fat bla bla bla. I say I'm just back to being a fat ass who needs to go back to calorie counting.

Seriously?! This weight problem is annoying. I mean Jesus H. Christ on wheels, I have battled with it my whole life. Can a girl get a fucking break? It seems like I take one step forward and two steps backwards.
Well, it's time to fucking do something about it. From today, I am trying to eat better, cook more, eat junk less, be more active, be less bitchy (moderately less), be more happy! I am leaving for Bosnia in a month and a half and I want to have a fabulous body when I get there. Or at least, one I can be kind of proud of.

You don't understand..My people are judgmental little fucks. They are all thin and beautiful back in the mother country; high heels and motherfucking tiaras. I am NOT even exaggerating. I need to be HOT! Okay, enough of my pity party. I just need to stop whining and do it. I hate cooking with a passion. When it comes to cooking for myself, I'd rather skin a bear. It's not that I don't have a sense for it; I mean anyone can Google a recipe and copy it. It's just that I'm fucking lazy and want it fast. When my belly grumbles and lets me know "hey we're hungry", I want food then, not wait a damn half hour prep time, hour cook time and 15 minutes cleaning time. I want it NOW! 

Also, grocery shopping?! Ain't nobody got time for that!

In other news, lookie what my family did. Extremely proud of both of them for sticking by their promise and getting the tattoo with me. My older sister is a different story. Chickenshit.

20 years later

So, 20 years since I've been back to my hometown in Bosnia and I am nervous. I am travelling in May and coming back in June with my sister and my mother. My father doesn't know I'm coming and neither does my grandmother. I want it to be a nice surprise. I have many emotions running through me about going back. I just hope I can handle it. If you don't know why I am nervous, shame on you for not keeping up with World news and if you are younger than 20 years old, disregard that comment.

In 1992, war broke out in Bosnia and many of us were chased out of our homes, our families and friends were killed and we left our country in refuge for a better tomorrow. My sister and I had to leave after the war was over in 1995 and we moved to Croatia to be with our father.
Many of my memories are suppressed deep down and it will take years of therapy to recollect all of the things I forgot. Not to mention, many of us have undiagnosed PTSD and it affects us daily in our lives. Most of our people found refuge in America and it wasn't easy starting a new life. We dealt with prejudice, religious bashing, nightmares and general terrorizing from the American people. Don't get me wrong; not everyone was the same. There are some genuinely good human souls out there. I am forever thankful to live here and be safe, but not everyone feels the same about us being here. We are intruders, job-stealers, terrorists, corrupt, ugly reminders of the past.

Now, after 20 years I am going back to the place that started it all. Going back to the place where my memories lie buried, to the place that set the standards of my growing up. I had the best childhood growing up. We didn't have distractions like kids today have. We were raised to respect, work hard and to stand up for what we believed in. We had happiness; genuine, innocent friendships. I miss my family and want to see them! But..I'm scared. I'm scared that the memories will come rushing back and I will come unhinged. I'm scared that I may go and not come back the same person I've become or worse.

I hope this trip opens my eyes, brings my memories back so I can remember where I came from and instills all of my family morals further. I hope it's a growing experience instead of just revealing scary skeletons in my closet.

I hope...I'll keep you updated.

Lately, I've been feeling..

Like I'm not good enough. Like whatever good I have done in the world will never outshine the bad. Like I'm a bad sister, friend, daughter, grand-daughter. Sometimes, these feelings end up taking my life over and in my own eyes, I don't measure up. It's amazing how the people in our lives can either build us or destroy us. They can influence our self-esteem, they can influence our footprint in this world, they have the power, but only if we let them have control. I've let it happen for too long. I haven't had someone build me in a really long time.

Lately, I've been anti-social. I just want to sit on my couch, and watch my Dexter marathon on Netflix and eat something not good for me. It may have something to do with March. It may very well be because I am dealing with a butt-load of emotions since it's been a year since my step-dad died or it may be because for the first time in my life, I have no one. I have a few friends and my family, but no one to really sit and hash things out with. No one to talk to about my deepest, darkest secrets or my hopes and dreams, no one to lean on, to depend on, to feel like myself around, to just relax with. My roommate, so far, is handling all of that herself, but with her one job and school and my two jobs, the only time I see her is gym time and that time is to put work in and to sweat. We have a few talks in the hours we do see each other and I'm thrilled she is in my life. I probably would have been hanging from my ceiling if it hadn't been for her.

I've noticed that for the past two years, I have completely changed the person I am. I used to be fun, I used to be talkative, I used to be social and I was everyone's friend. So many people leaned on me and confided in me. So many people loved me and were grateful I'm their friend. So many people knew the real me. I'm not the same person I used to be. Something dark has taken over my life and it has left only a small shell of my former self. That is my fault. I let my life be controlled. I let my life pass me by. I let people influence how I felt, how I loved, who I was, my friendships, my finances and where I lived.

No more. I am letting go and starting over, but first I have to deal with my dark times. I have to get knocked down to the bottom and I'm pretty close. I have to fall down into a bottle of alcohol before I get out. I have to relive my failed relationships and learn my mistakes. I have to get rid of my baggage before I can make room for anyone in my life. I have to let go.


Thank you, Obama-care. This chickie is about to get therapy. I wonder if they have couples counseling for anyone who wants to come with me?

I would like to thank...

I was nominated by an award by one of my favorite bloggers. You can check her out here! Thank you, Em! You're ahmayzing!

So since I was nominated, I have some things I must do.

1. Display the award on my blog (check)
2. Say "thank you" to the wonderful person that nominated me (check)
3. Post 10 interesting things about myself (shit!)
4. Nominate some of my favorite blogs (yay!)
5. Link to the nominated blogs and let them know I've nominated them (I figured!)


Crap. 10 things about me? Here we go.

1. I am originally from Banja Luka, Bosnia (Europe). I moved here in 1997 as a war immigrant.
2. I speak 4 languages including English and learning Spanish and know a bit of Arabic.
3. I was a straight A student who dropped out of high school.
4. I believe in true love (haters, shut up).
5. I love Disney movies.
6. I would love to move to a big city, but I am terrified I won't make it.
7. I highly disliked my step-dad. I couldn't stand that man with every fiber of my being, but I miss him every single day I breathe.
8. My family equals to the Brady Bunch. I have two step-brothers, one half sister and one full sister. I consider ALL of them my brothers and sisters!
9. I'm a gym rat.
10. I am a tad bit a lot OCD.

My favorite blogs

1. Don't Quote The Raven
2. Fitness Blondie
3. Outfit Posts
4. Princess Burlap

Toodles! And happy Friday!

Why couldn't I have lost my passport?

So, I'm back.

No, don't get excited.
Seriously.. I'm not. I left sunny, beautiful, exhilarating Mexico 87 degree weather and came back to 4 inches of snow and ice, accidents all over the roadways. Oh, and to top it off I was stuck at mom's on Sunday and was late to work on Monday because of this white shit.

Blah. Anyway, about my heaven of a vacation...

 The moment I arrived at the hotel, I ran to the window to check out the view. This was it. Oh glory be to God, if this is Heaven I am going to church on Sunday. Just kidding. Next thing I did, of course, was go to lunch and have una cerveza (a beer or five).

Besides checking out the views, on the beach is where I spent my vacation. I mean, can you blame me? Of course, I am a girl so I did some shopping and some drinking, but mostly my buns were in the sand. 

The first sightseeing tour was Chichen Itza, our 7th World Wonder, The Mayan Ruins. Being there was fun even though it was a lot of walking. It was very educational and very inspiring. I love history as long as it's fun and our tour guide Alejandro (Alex) made it amazingly entertaining. While I was there, I bought a Mayan pendant that has my first name initial engraved in Mayan language. I am wearing the pendant now. Also, I received a birth certificate painted in Mayan language on this old piece of paper that reminds me of the Egyptian papyrus. 

The next tour we went on was to Isla Mujeres, the Island of Women. The reason it's called that is because of the many statues of women on the island. We got there by a catamaran, swam, snorkeled, ate and lounged on the beach a little. When we got there, we took a taxi tour of the island where I held a shark and took many pictures of the island. 

The snorkeling was the best part for me. My dad always used to say I should have been born a fish and trust me my fish instincts came out in Mexico.

 The next tour was Xel-Ha Park! Oh em gee! It's like a water amusement park where you can swim with dolphins, swim with manatees, snorkel, scuba dive, do underwater walks, handle macaws and see lots of reptiles. Plus there are three restaurants in the park and all the food and drinks (alcohol as well) is included in your entrance price. We didn't waste time. We immediately snorkeled for hours, ate and drank until we were happy and then went to do the activities that we wanted to do.

So again I say...Why couldn't I have lost my passport???