I'm eating my feelings

Hello dear bloggers,

I really am random lately in the aspect of love, friendship and just generality of life. I've been thinking a lot lately, mainly because I've been a roller-coaster of emotions for the past year. I've come to some conclusions about myself that I really didn't have before and I'm happy about that. Eventually these conclusions are going to help me become the woman that I want to be, not the woman everyone else wants me to be. In order to share my findings with everyone, I have to tell you where I come from.

I was born in a big city called Banja Luka in Bosnia. Such a beautiful place, and it has grown so much. I haven't seen it since war times and it won't be easy to go back, but I promised myself that I would.
I was a war child. I've seen and heard things that a child my age shouldn't have had to, but as humans we endure and we move on. (at least we're supposed to).
I'm also a woman with middle child syndrome, I'm the black sheep of the family and I come from a broken home. Middle child syndrome just means that I didn't have enough attention growing up. See, I said ENOUGH..I did have some. My mother loves me and so does my father, but at times they thought the battles that they had in the living room were unseen by their children. They weren't. Same goes for battles with my step-dad. They weren't either.
Middle child syndrome also makes me feel like I'm not good enough. I didn't feel as good enough as my siblings did, and I carry that still on through life. I've managed to get ahold of it, but it peeks out whenever I get into relationships or close friendships.
Being a black sheep isn't so bad. Sometimes it gets lonely and I would like to fit it, but then again I am me and I like myself.
Coming from a broken home, my relationships suffer. I don't trust very easily, if at all. I don't allow myself to get close to many people because of that. The people that I let into my life are very few and far in between. By writing this, I am in no position to ask for pity nor do I want to receive it. I've dealt with some of these emotions for years and they are very hard to overlook sometimes. Pitying me will just make me mad and will boot you out of my life quickly. Because I've had to endure what I've been through, it has made me stronger so I don't need anyone's pity by any means. With strength comes a price. Sometimes I'm strong and I hide behind a great wall.
Now with all this being said, my family doesn't really talk to each other. Oh we have great conversations but opening up about feelings and how we see things, the conversation is shut down in a matter of minutes. Maybe it's a European thing, maybe it's just my family thing; I don't really know but growing up, I didn't talk about how I felt. I didn't talk about my feelings. I'd just throw a fit and get over it eventually.

As a grown woman, I learned the more you keep things inside, the more they eat you alive. You become bitter, you become hateful, you become a darker, gloomier side of your former self. Sometimes people will forgive you for the things you do or say, and sometimes they will walk away. They will attempt to understand you, talk to you and comfort you, but eventually the baggage you carry, you will have to unpack yourself.

Which brings me to my baggage and my findings. Trust. Love. Relationships. Family. Marriage.

Trust- I don't trust and when I do, I do it fully. If you betray my trust, I will give you chances to fix it as long as you know that you stand on thinner ground every time you lie. Sometimes I give too many and I don't know when to walk away, but I will do it eventually.

Love- I'm a friggin' retard when it comes to love. My best friend says my love is huge. She's always told me I love too much and too hard. I guess I never really believed her. And I never really thought what I had to offer someone could possibly be enough for them.

Relationships- All my friends are getting married. I'm 26 and drunk. Why doesn't this aspect of my life FUNCTION!? Honestly? I haven't allowed it to. You know years ago, my best friend (again she is referenced here a lot cause she's like Yoda) told me that I always get into a relationship with one foot out of the door. This is true. I get into a relationship and I am enjoying myself. We're getting along, we may have some disagreements and then we fix things. As soon as feelings start getting deeper, I look for faults, I start arguments, I do random things (sometimes subconsciously) to let that person down. They walk away. End of story. End of relationship. Who suffers here really? I mean who will stay together with me and try to understand that this is what I've done for years and that I want and need to change, but it will take time? Who the hell is going to put up with this? Well considering I'm single, no one.

Family- Oy! I love my family, don't get me wrong but talking to them about my feelings makes me sound bipolar, manic depressive and they just don't believe in that. Therefore, I just keep to myself and talk to a few people close to me (not a lot of them left). My family is very loving and while I don't blame them (anymore), they still have a few influences in my life. For example, my biggest influence is my mother. She is too good of a person to be stuck in a marriage where the man she loves is an idiot. He may love her, but he cannot respect her and her children like they need to be. He sucks the life out of her and every day she stays with him, is one day too long. Don't get me wrong. My mother is a dutiful woman. This is what she is supposed to do, but shouldn't happiness be part of the deal? I am scared to death every day that she will worry and work herself sick.
My father is another influence in my life, but he hasn't been directly in it for years. We've only lived together 2 years of the life I can remember. Those were the best years of my life. I felt like I had a family. My father understands my semantics, but he is not here to be able to give me advice, discipline me, tell me what to do. I have a father figure in my life. It's more of a tear-me-down relationship than build-me-up. My step-dad has been in my life most of the 26 years I've been alive. He is not the most supportive person in the world. He's done a lot of damage to my self-esteem, my confidence and my ability to love and be loved. I used to blame him for a lot. I still have some grudges left that I have to work out on my own, but in time.
My sisters and brothers are amazing people. They have their heads on straight and they are making their life shine to the fullest. I envy all of them (even my 15 year old sister). They inspire me to be better and do better in life. I just wish I knew their secrets.

Marriage- The word itself freaks me out. ONE person for the rest of your life. Trusting that person not to hurt you, not to hold your feelings against you, not to lie to you, not to cheat on you. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, sharing..It makes me wanna scream. Now, nowhere here did you hear me say I don't WANT it. I do, but seriously? Will I be enough for him? Will he be enough for me? Did he choose me because he thinks I'm that special someone for him, or am I just good enough?

My findings- I've learned people want someone who is already built up, confident and strong. Men want a woman who can cook, not someone who needs to learn. They want one who is confident, not working on it. They want strength, not someone who cries at a dog food commercial (shut up lol). Women expect the same things. They don't want to have to fix a man. They don't want to have to deal with their baggage and all the drama that comes with it. I've fixed people my whole life. I've worked on their confidence, I've helped them get through problems and through helping them I thought I was growing as a person in that friendship or relationship. I wasn't. I just learned I like to take care of people. But when it comes down to it, I need someone to help me do what I helped them do. I need someone who won't put up with my crap, but love me enough to tell me instead. I want someone who will call me on my wrongs, but with constructive criticism not put-downs. I want someone who will respect me, be on time, remember dates, take control, accept me for who I am, be able to be my best friend (although Casey, my bff, will fight you for it) among many other things.

Look, I am not an easy person to get along with. I don't even know what tomorrow will bring for me and I am afraid of everything I do and say. I didn't use to be like this. This is years of hurt, lies, cheating, selfishness from significant others, and abuse in the making. This is not an overnight thing. So, my change will not be an overnight thing either.

Support me, stand next to me, tell me you can do this journey with me, hold my hand and make me feel safe...or walk away, don't try but never look back.

This is me.