To date or not to date?

I am stepping out of my 3's into my 4's this year. I turn the big FOUR OH in November. It's been a big year- I have been so focused on releasing all that doesn't serve the woman I am growing into. 2025 has been a really hard year so far. I've mourned a 1 year death anniversary of a close friend, another old friend's cancer battle ending, my grandmother and Niko passing, as well as some health issues and a  love life that keeps attracting unhealthy relationship patterns. The year has not been kind, but the strangest thing has happened. I've been able to face it all head on and stay standing. I am convinced that the last three years of hell with losing partners, jobs, friendships, family matters and health concerns prepared me for the moment where I lost my biggest cheerleader and didn't fall apart completely. It's really been life affirming for me that I am divinely protected. The last three years of handling life without a partner, has put me in a position to think hard about my future and where I would like to see myself in a year or five.

As a woman, when you consider your future there are many paths to think about. Do you want to be a mother and how much time is left for that? Would you like to get married? Would it matter if they have been married and had kids already? Do you want someone with small kids or without any at all? Would you be okay partnered up and never married because at this point in your age range, people are working on their first, maybe even second divorce? Once you ask all of your questions and further examine where you are on those paths, then you can figure out what you want. It takes time, courage, passion and desire in order to experience life fully and learn about your human experience. It's been many years since I had the desire and now that I do, I am not sure where to start. I am open about wanting to spend life with a partner and I have been for a few years. I have experienced the fast life, the depressed life, the angry life and now all I want is a soft life with a safe person for me.

I don't shy away from vulnerabilities anymore. I don't mind being open to life anymore, radically honest, courageous, willing to compromise, and also willing to get my heart broken. As George Adair said "everything you want is on the other side of fear." Essentially, you are dating to either marry/partner up or dating to break up. I don't like starting something "to see where it goes". Having intention is important to me when it comes to dating. It's a choice. You are choosing that person each hour, each day, each week, month, year, decade. I want someone to choose me, even when I make it hard to. I want to be someone's only choice, not an option until the next one comes along or until the one comes back. That is really hard to find in the "talking culture" nowadays. I'm either dating or not, coupling up or not, planning or not, all in or nothing at all. I don't want crumbs I'm not settling for a slice- I want the whole damn bakery.

I was told recently that this smells like desperation. I had to ponder on that statement to see if that's what this was. I decided it wasn't desperation, but a broken pattern of hoping some man chooses me yet again instead of releasing that story. It's time to find and let someone love me that actually wants to love me, build with me, share a life with me. Let me assure you if I was desperate, I would take any of the many men that would like my attention and love. Just because I don't have a main hitter doesn't mean I don't have a line-up. I am quite aware of what I look like, what I offer and what I am worth- this year has helped me see that. As I said earlier, the whole damn bakery! Toodles!