The dating game

All of us want someone. If you're married or taken in any way and reading this, you're probably shaking your head no because your life fucking sucks or you're shaking your head yes because your partner is actually fucking awesome.We all want a partner or a satisfying relationship. Some of us are lazy, some of us are awkward and some of us just don't like people but we want to find our weirdo so we want to speed past the horrible dating scene, or the awkward dates and go straight to the significant other status. You know the one; Netflix, takeout, sweatpants, vacations and great sex.

As Larry David said "A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone." Dating SUCKS! No one wants to take hours to get ready, shave their legs, worry about not eating Mexican. My idea of a romantic date involves Netflix sans pants. I also worry about sharing my bed with someone because my dog sleeps with me, and he is cuter..so..there's that. I also like my own freedom and most guys want to be up my ass. Now, don't get it fucked up. I still want you to be interested enough to keep in touch every day.

I mean, okay, let's say you do spend the couple of hours to try to loosen those tight pants you can't fit into but that make your ass look great, and curl your hair so he doesn't see your cowlick. Let's say you do that. You go on the awkward date and make small talk. You don't know who is going to pay, and you will judge him a little if he lets you pay. If he kisses you or doesn't kiss you at the door, you'll wonder what's wrong with you so this is lose/lose. You will wait for him to ask you on a second date, which is complete bull. Does he like you, does he not like you? Will he text, is he waiting for you to? Shit..

There is also the next day after the date and if you like him, your brain starts overthinking in 3..2..1... If he doesn't text you, is he still into you? Maybe he wants you to be assertive and text him? If you do, will you look desperate? Say he does text you. You're all friggin' stupid happy. You trip over the dog, walk into the walls and shit at work. You read his two letter text message (ok) and you smile. But let's face it. Texting back and forth becomes nerve wracking. You're worried about your response, you're worried about sending the wrong text. The worst thing about texting is that once you send it...well God help you.

Date number two and three or maybe more have passed. Now you're in this mess, so how do you decipher if the guy likes you or not? You start overthinking every action, lack of action or any kind of silence in between. If he sleeps with you on the first date, did he lose the respect for you? If he doesn't, is he maybe not interested and just wants to be friends? Most of the people now disappear from your life without even so much as a fuck you. They won't tell you "Hey, last night was great, but I'm not attracted to you. Want to be friends instead?" Some people just want to hook up and if you're looking for more, they won't be straightforward with you until after they collect the prize. Honesty is hard to find nowadays.

So many people are scared of commitments so they want to blur the line between friendship and relationship. While that line is blurred, there is no way to know what the rules are. I, for one, am not okay with that. Are you fucking only me or..? Ya know? Too much to worry about. Some people are too much into the sexual aspect to be loyal and with the social media making temptations and opportunities to cheat so easy to find, they won't even have to leave the bed they share with you.

After you have dated this person for a while and they feel comfortable around you, their genuine self starts coming out. Everyone now is so scared to put themselves out there at the risk of sounding too nerdy, too available, too anxious, too boring, too (insert whatever adjective you want here). And if you have dated for a while, the realization that you will either get married or break up is horrible. Both are equally terrifying concepts.

So, to summarize.. dating is basically a game of "let's see who can try to act like they care less in order to get someone to care more and then take turns." It's full of games, cheaters, liars, crazies and just annoying mofos who can't take a hint. Set yourself some rules to your own dating game and take control over this shit.  -if you like someone, don't pretend you don't -don't play the "wait to text" game..no one likes to guess and assume -don't alter what you want; have high standards and expectations -tell the ugly truth. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING HOLY, tell the truth!!!