Spirituality 3.0

I'm going to be real honest here and tell you that I have set the Bible down. It's been sitting on my coffee table last two weeks just looking at me. I have made it to Numbers. When I decided to read the Bible cover to cover, I knew it was going to take a lot of focus for several reasons. I wasn't a huge history nut when I was younger, I watched my family do dumb shit and justify it with celebratory Catholicism and was made fun of for going to church and Sunday school. So.. not a big fan of religion already and then I come to the US and saw all the money poured into churches but not homeless shelters, and I had enough. Religion just has never been my cup of tea, and I was familiar with a few of them; while I believed a little of each I just never belonged in any single one. I was a little bit Catholic, with a hint of Muslim and a pinch of Jehovah's witness, and add some Buddhism 101 on the side. 

Fast forward to now, I have searched long and hard until I reached spirituality which to me was believing in all of the religions, in all of the Gods and Goddesses, deities and saints. Everyone is right, every God is the "one" and everything you believe in that is good is great. I don't argue anyone over my views being right or wrong, and I don't push the way I believe onto someone else. Not anymore. It's just simple peace, in my head, in my heart and my soul is learning to relax daily. My nervous system has always been in a war zone, but this year it's learning to breathe, be still and become what it should have been all along- regulated, efficient, loving.

So back to religion and God. My beliefs are different than most people's. I think God is in each of us, I think Heaven and Hell are right here on Earth, and I think that many Messiah's have walked this Earth and potentially some would be considered "schizo or crazy" now in our modernized societies all over the world. I also believe in magic and things that religion, God, spirituality, science cannot explain and don't have a word for besides magic or woo-woo. You can go ahead and take me out back, hang me or stone me because I will stand by my beliefs. I feel them deeply. I feel the magic in my skin every time I hear a good song. I feel it in my hands the moment I enter a room filled with heavy energy. I feel it in my belly when someone I like looks at me in that way and compliments my existence in their life. 

So yeah, magic is everywhere. In you, in me, in them, in it. Our Creator is good all the time, magic is a big part of it. Anyway, I'm going to sign off on this short and sweet post by saying I choose to keep my childlike magic alive every day and it's a very hard job. The lack of whimsy in adulthood is disgusting and I recommend you to go outside and frolic in some grass today and see if your ass doesn't feel like magic. You can't be sad, mad, or unhappy if you're skipping. Toodles!!

Your brain

BRAAAAAINS!!! We all have them, not all of us use them, but its main function is to keep us alive, NOT happy. Because of my own struggles with my own brain, I have often read books on the wonder of our brain- how it thinks, what chemicals do what, where the secret doorways are and how to make more neurons! Because of my fascination with the brain, it always made me wonder what makes us great humans, but also what can make us go tick tick BOOM! I've been fascinated with serial killers, and the dark abyss of the world for a long time on the account of that curiosity. 

As we have all seen in Inside Out 1 and 2, our brain has chemicals which do certain things, and those little assholes can sometimes get their information wrong. When they do, they wreak havoc. We think thoughts that are not like us, we get super tired or scared for no reason, and we tend to blow up at the smallest situations because our bodies think they're at war. Fun. It's so much fun being a human being. Wow! And then to be a man or a woman. Our hormones cycle every 28ish days. As a cisgender man, your cycle is daily- how great for you all. We get to feel 34 feelings before breakfast and you get to press reset at night. Just genius. Our creator definitely has a tremendous fun time making us. Anyhoo, back to the brain.

I started researching and looking into neuroscience because I was tired of people telling me to just think positive. And the terrible diagnoses like depression, anxiety, PTSD and ADHD just felt like tainted labels which the capitalist patriarchy was charging me for. Or worse yet- comparing whatever I was going through only to claim "it wasn't that bad". I was sick of feeling like something was constantly wrong with me. With a little bit of reading, I realized my nervous system was doing its job, but its job was only to keep me alive, not happy. In the meantime, my nervous system was so dysregulated and dysfunctional, it would make me complete all 7F trauma responses in a safe situation. I constantly have to soothe and talk myself down from a ledge; it's exhausting but it's getting better. Things like plant medicine, meditation, sound healing, yoga and Reiki, work for me in the healing space, among many others things. It's what helps me get by on a daily basis. Call me your witchy godmother.

In September of 2021, I discovered Buti yoga because I was plummeting into a depressive state, and needed a way to get energy out of my body. A friend suggested it, I went to a class and fell in love. In March of 2022, I became a Buti yoga instructor. In 2023, going further on my yoga journey and developing my personal practice, I started my 500 hour yoga teacher training including meditation, breathwork and somatic therapy which I graduated from in March of 2024. My YTT broke me open. It put me face first with some very uncomfortable situations, while going through a series of unfortunate events and just wanting to belong to a community was kicking in the fawn response like crazy. When it broke me open, it also gave me the tools to put myself together and slowly but surely is what has been going on the last couple of years.

As of last month, I was attuned as a Reiki 1 Practitioner. I have used these modalities to keep myself from going insane when life decides to life. I've also use these healing modalities to regulate my nervous system, develop healthy relationships with myself and others, and sink into shadow work to heal some traumas. I realize now, happy is in my hands.

Muse

Who, where or what is your muse? 

Is it your partner, or maybe your child? Is it a parent or a sibling? Every time you think about them or spend time with them, it opens you up creatively! Is it your cat or your dog? You sit on the ground brushing them, or take them on a walk and an idea strikes? And if it isn't a person or a thing, is there a specific spot where you go that just fuels your insides and ignites the fire? Maybe you'd get in your car, and go to that spot on the lake, sit on your favorite rock and just ponder the meaning of life, while great ideas just pour out of you? Or are you one of those people that need to go through some shit in order for your muse to appear so technically it isn't a person, place or thing and it's just a situation. Maybe it's the act of having sex. Let's be real- chemically, there is a whole lot happening in your body as you are having sex or having an orgasm so why wouldn't that be a good time to jolt some genius thought?

Recently, I was discussing being inspired to write lately and thanks to a few places, things and people, I have been writing the last couple of months more and more. I even put a little notebook in my purse so when I hear someone say something yummy, interesting or hell, even jolting, I would like to be able to keep up with it so I can ponder later on the subject. Who you surround yourself with matters, and I've been really picky lately about who I let in. I mean that whole-heartedly. I am careful about my energy, selective even. I choose people who choose me. I love people who love me. I see people who see me. I don't let anyone in my house, head or bed just willy nilly anymore. My peace is important and the world feels like it's about to spontaneously combust.

Muses have been portrayed usually by women, the feminine and only single apparition. Your muse(s) could be multiples of people, things, places and situations. For example, absolutely every time I have lunch with a friend of mine, she inspires me to become a Goddess who wants to be groveled for. She inspires me to step into my feminine wiles and she encourages my sexcapades a thousand percent! It's not one thing she says or does, it's the pure essence of her energy mingling with mine and the topics we discuss. I have another close friend, that when we spend the say together she makes me want to heal the world. Seriously. She makes me feel like I have the power to heal myself and the ENTIRE world. Can you imagine a friend's presence making you feel like that? How about this- I have a human in my life who steps into my presence and I would like to tear. them. apart. Every time. The sexual, primal, submissive energy in me just says YEP...every goddamn time. 

Anyway, think about it. I'd love to hear about some of your muses. We don't have to name people, places, things or situations unless we want to. This is just for fun! Are you aware that you even have a muse? If not, I suggest you do some soul searching and find your person, place or thing- it's incredible! 

Kindness

This word has popped up a lot for me lately and it got me thinking. It's almost one of those "in" words now that are plastered on T-shirts, and office walls, but do we really participate in kindness? When was the last time you were kind? Are you only kind to certain people? How about being kind for no reason- when it didn't benefit you at all? Do you quantify kindness and think things like "I did it yesterday, I don't have to today"?

As I am a big word nerd, here is what the dictionary says about kindness --"the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate". Now, first thing I noticed was the and in the sentence which means being kind requires us to be 3 things at once. So in order for me to delve further into kindness, I now have to know what being friendly, generous and considerate means.

Definitions of each :) You're welcome!

Friendly- Behaving in a pleasant, kind way towards someone

Generous- Giving or willing to freely give more of something, as money or time, than is strictly necessary or expected

Considerate- always thinking of other people's wishes and feelings

WOW! That sounds like a lot of fucking work, doesn't it!? It is. That's why only special people do it and they do it well. They almost feel like magic or sunshine, as I like to say it. They are the ones you don't have to teach how to love you. They show up. They do. They don't ask and they don't wait to be asked. They see a need, and they fill it. Those are your people- and often we have to be in the muck, the yuck, the stink, the funk, the down and dirty to see who those people truly are and that sometimes sucks. It also stinks to hope for it from certain people and not have that need met. Sucks. But this post is about kindness, and I am going to kindly finish it. 

Be kind to someone today and ask them to pay it forward. THE WORLD NEEDS IT! YOU NEED IT! I NEED IT! WE NEED IT!!!!

First home

Look, I was never known for having small feelings. Everything I've ever felt has always felt immense and loud which means that the feelings that are already loud and achy were extra that and anything good felt amazing. This is wonderful to have until something bad happens; then it's torturous. And life be lifing a whole lot lately! I grew up not being able to express myself fully, and often being shushed or shut down when I showed emotions or expressed feelings, so when I became a teenager I often acted out in order to let the suffocated into silence energy out of me. I was also in a foreign land trying to assimilate and unspoken hormones were directing my actions. I started hanging out with all the people my mother didn't want me around. I wanted to do everything opposite of what my stepfather said. I was noticing holes in my most important pillars, and I needed a way out.

My voice mattered then, and it matters now. Of course, when I was a teenager, I wasn't aware of that so the agreement that I adopted then was that I was "too loud, too much, too emotional, too aware, too outspoken, too everything but at the same time not enough." I often hid myself and did what individual friends or groups wanted me to do. I was smoking cigarettes at 7, I tried weed and alcohol at 13, I was sexually active at 15. I tried to fit in. It worked until it didn't- my body is intuitive. Your body is intuitive- it knows what you need. It recognizes people, places and patterns of behavior so it gives you butterflies and chills when you're around someone you're attracted to but also a sense of cold sweat or pain when it's warning you about something or someone. All you have to do is be quiet and pay attention. I wish I knew that then because I would have saved myself lots of heartaches.

Fast forward to today, and I am learning daily to listen to my body. It's my first home regardless of the country it was born in or the parents it was granted to. My first and only true home that will reflect how I take care of her daily is my precious body. Recently, I received information from my doctor that my body already was privy to. At 27, I was gifted this gentle pause of degenerative disc dis-ease mainly in my cervical spine and some arthritis in my lumbar and hips. Now at 39, I have arthritis in my entire spine, degenerating discs in both lumbar and cervical plus new degeneration of my SI joints. My body was yelling this since 2025 started. She howled every time I sat in the car for longer than a few hours. She shouted every time I binged watched a season or 5 of some serial killer show. She bawled every time I didn't take care of myself that day. She is screaming now and I have to listen. 

I am terrified. I am staying off Google because I am not about to psych myself out. I am going to focus on PT, and a re-test in 3 months for some of the other things that showed on my lab work. My 5 year plan is not going to include a motorized scooter or wheelchair. Neither will my 10 to 40 year plan. FUCK THAT! Like a friend of mine says "God's going to have to catch me." 

Chronic baddies

Have you ever seen one of those signs that asks you how do you feel physically on a sliding scale 1-10 with 1 being mild pain and 10 being severe?- I would add 10 being even excruciating. Here is a breakdown of the scale- 1-3 mild pain, 4-6 moderate pain, and 7-10 being severe. Leaves much room for questioning, methinks.

I have not been at level 0 since I was in my teens. That's my truth. I have been at levels 3-8 the last 4 months. Call it getting older, call it degenerative disc disease, arthritis, stress, call it whatever makes you sleep better at night but for me it feels like "today, I am able to live or not live." At pain levels 8, people are shut down in a hospital while all I am getting is doctors telling me I'm overweight and to move. I AM MOVING- I am a fucking yoga teacher! It feels like pins and needles in my back when I walk, and it feels an elephant is sitting on my hips when I sit down, but oh when I lay? It feels wonderful, for a whole 5 minutes and then I sink in and start throbbing. It's great. Every day. 

A yoga sister of mine and I were chatting about pain sucking the life out of you and how wonderful it is to have people who you can vent to and talk to about important things such as trauma, physical, mental or spiritual! One of the many things we talked about, we were discussing how people ask questions as if the person they're asking hasn't thought of every question, solution, problem and googled naturalist medicine on how to solve it. I do appreciate people asking, but the questions get tiring. We are wasting time questioning things and not moving into action- sooner! If you know someone who is in pain, chronic, severe, excruciating pain and they are functioning?- Ask how you can help! We are handling the entire world that you are as well, but we are also physically worn out, burned out, torn down. Be kind. Offer help. Care. Hug them- it's been PROVEN to lessen pain!

Health care system as a whole is not equipped to TAKE CARE of people. It is set up as a business to keep people unhealthy- unless you do your research as well. You have to participate in your own life- get out of your own way! Our physical self is only one part of us but it's a big part in this energy field we call Earth! The medical business industry in the US is based on patching bullet wounds with Band-Aids, and that's been my experience since the very first doctor and the very first big ache! There is not a doctor that looks at you holistically to heal all parts of you- physical, mental, spiritual. So then you have to venture out and start your own research. Get into the western medicine in different states, and then turn to your woo woo friend and ask what they can do. Do whatever you need to in order to feel better because your life depends on it. So does a few people's.

Being without employment, there is a lot of work to do in order to keep my mind and body on some sort of schedule even though I just want to curl up and watch TV. I try to get out of the house once a day. Right now the only thing that keeps lessening my pain is movement- any activity to warm up my muscles and joints, plant medicine, somatic therapy, dancing, eating foods that make my body feel good and being around the people that keep my body/mind/soul safe. Also crying!!- I cry a lot lately!

Toodles!