Situationship

For the life of me, I do not understand why I just can't get this love part down. My experience is all but standard- I did not get married straight out of high school or college, I didn't have children with the first man I settled down with, I didn't choose a forever partner- I've had great loves and they weren't my forever people. However, what I did notice is that most of my partners got coupled, engaged or married with the person after me. I guess me not having luck didn't necessarily mean that I wasn't lucky for others. I am a month away from being 40 and I am just as lost today as I was at 20. In adulthood, I keep running into emotionally unavailable men of all ages who are still working out what they truly want or who they truly want and I somehow get it in my head that I can help them sort it. Or the fairy tale thinking that I am that one. A friend of mine in the UK and I were speaking about this sort of thing a couple of days ago and he mentioned the casual dating vibe the US gave him when he was working here. It sparked a lovely conversation but also made me realize that maybe it's not me- maybe I'm dating in the wrong country.😂

Done. Definitely done trying to help other people sort their own baggage on me and not with me. I need help as well! I need sorting! Seriously, where is he? I have been dating since I was 15!! Why is it that it's so much easier focusing on someone else's needs rather than your own? I have been saying all of 2025 that I wanted to be cared for, I craved to be loved and I wanted my person. This isn't some sculpted creature perfect for me that fits into that "tall, dark and handsome" category; it's someone who chooses me even when it's hard. That's what I believe love is and it's not easy for me either. When I get my feelings hurt or I feel betrayed, I act like a raccoon in a trash bag because all my fears based on history resurface and I like keeping the past in the past. It's hard to come back from that, plus rebuilding something that wasn't yours to begin with just doesn't seem like the focus anymore. I've run into grown men who would like to commit or at least that's what they say, but somehow not fully and not to me. I've had the boys as well who are just committed to the bachelor vibe calling themselves vagabonds, interested in the sex but not the relationship.

Since the retreat, I have been more open to possibilities of change because I've truly felt like I've been changing all year. The grief, the losses, the lack of TLC by people who I thought loved me most has changed me. And just like the shadows, the light has been a great part of my life this year as well. People held me while I cried and slept, witnessed me experience extreme sadness, joy and have revelations about my life journey. It's been a beautiful and destructible ride all year. I've witnessed my own death and rebirth several times through losing jobs, money, friendships, possibilities of relationships- it's been wild, y'all. Change is inevitable, and there are still a few people in my life that have stuck with me through the good, the bad and the ugly. I am eternally grateful. I am also thankful for the ones who have passed through my life in seasons teaching me what I want more of and what I don't want. Everyone teaches you something- I just had to detach myself from the outcome to see it for what it really is. I am open to change- the change within myself to grow into the woman I am meant to be, the change in expectations and fluidity of intimacy, the change in financial livelihood and an open heart to being a beginner again. 

Toodles!

Monsters

One of my favorite old pastimes was watching psychological thrillers, serial killers documentaries and local hauntings. Teaching small children, I have been slowly integrating psychology into my every day life and theirs. Watching them grow from tiny, angry psychopaths into beautiful, regulated children is an amazing reward of my job. When I was at WKU, I studied child psychology many times in different classes and it really just taught me more about myself. It's interesting when you focus outward, if you pay attention, sometime you also tend to heal your inward. However, when we focus on the good, we mustn't forget the bad, the evil, the subhuman.

I've been delving into the Monster series on Netflix. It started with Dahmer a few months back; I've watched the Ed Gein story and currently watching the Lyle and Erik Menendez story. Lizzie Borden is next. It's wild to see that monsters are not always born, that they can be created by neglect, abuse, war or a mix of all of the above. They are created by a series of unfortunate, traumatic events that can be sometimes chronic. At times, it's one thing that is the catapult to murder, but then sometimes it's continuous, ominous happenings that change your DNA and make you into someone bad, someone who uses their magic for evil.

We all have magic. We can use it for good or for evil. Money can be used for good or evil, so can weapons, and so can words. We create our reality, our lives and we put our boundaries up to feel safe. We use magic every day- whether we are manipulating an outcome or whether we are using intentional kindness and radical honesty is up to us. So if we are magic, we are medicine, we are intuitive, we are pure animals and we are still children. So I ask today, are you using your magic for good...or for evil? Are you intentionally lying and deceiving yourself, your partner, your people.. or are you using your words to create, to learn, to grow? Are you leaning more towards the psychosis of your life or the magic that you have within you that is weird, strange and wonderful?

How much of society are you making into the standard human response? Are you listening to yourself and making your kinks feel subhuman? Are you depending on social norms to tell you who you are and what you like? I, myself, am not a huge fan of the word "social norms" because who is to say what's normal? Normal is a setting on a dryer, not a human being. There are things that we all do like bleed, sexual desires and triggers and have flesh and meat suits but we are inherently all same, but different. How much of our differences really truly matter? I am full of questions lately as I am stepping into new territory by stepping into my feminine. It's awkward, it feels unsafe, I feel strange, loud and obnoxious all while I feel peaceful and like I am coming home. Weird. It's all strange. The Cheshire Cat said it best.